What you don't know

James awoke to the sunlight streaming in on his face. He blinked, remembering that he had closed the curtains around his bed the night before. So why. He rolled over and looked up into the face of Sirius, and groaned.
'WAKE UP! IT'S A HOGSMEADE DAY!' Sirius yelled. James groaned, running a hand through his hair as he sat up.
'Yeah, because we NEVER go there.' he muttered. From across the dorm, Remus chuckled appreciatively.
'Well, Sirius has a girlfriend this time,'
'Oh, yeah.'
'And Remus here does too!' Sirius interjected. James smile faltered slightly.
'So it'll just be me and Peter then?'
'Er.' Peter looked slightly uncomfortable. 'I have a detention remember?'
'Way to go!' Sirius grinned, then stopped when he saw James face.
'Ah well, I've been needing to do some homework,' James said hastily. 'And catch up on some sleep. so. have fun guys,'
He rolled over, annoying and angry with the world, and then mad at himself for not being happy that Sirius and Remus had dates. A few minutes later, he was alone in the dormitory.

***

'Arise! Hogsmeade today! Wake up! Arise my friends! Awaken!' Lily called, skipping around the dorm. 'I woke up early to eat some sugar. all ready?'
'Oh, Lily! You went upstairs before I could tell you last night, but Frank asked me to go with him!'
'Really? That's so awesome!' Lily said, smiling. 'So, Hestia, you're completely stuck with me. Bwahha.'
'Actually,' Hestia blushed, 'I'm going with someone.'
'Oh, who?'
Hestia only blushed harder. 'Er. I'll tell you later,'
'Sure thing. I .. uh, need to get some homework done,' Lily said, her hyperness receding as she realized she would be alone. 'So, you all run along and have fun.' her voice trailed off.
'No, Lily, you should go anyway!'
Lily didn't want to go by herself, but she didn't want to make her friends look bad either. She should be happy that they were going with dates. Alice was going with Frank! Lily ignored the part of her that wished she could be going to Hogsmeade with her crush. it was beyond impossible. and, she added, beyond a crush.
'Yeah, I can get a head start on the defense against the dark arts essay. You guys are so far ahead of me! But for now I'll, uh, sleep.'
Feigning tiredness, Lily plopped down on her bed and pulled the covers up. Hestia and Alice exchanged glances, but a few minutes later, they left. Lily followed them downstairs, shooing them out the portrait door and reassuring them that she needed to work on homework. As soon as they had left, she plopped down on a couchy seat in front of the fireplace, suddenly extremely depressed.
Lily was not often depressed. On the whole she was a cheerful, energetic person. Only one thing, or rather person, could bring out her sad side: James Potter.
*I really should be happy for them*, she thought, *after all, they are my best friends. I just wish I could have a date. Not just any date. Why does it have to be James? Why is it so hopeless? Why do we always argue? *
'Oh, that's right.' she said out loud. 'He hates me,'
She heard footsteps and her heart leapt. Only the first and second years were left, and most of them were outside, enjoying the beautiful, if not chilly, day. Slowly she turned around and came face-to-face with James Potter. She groaned inwardly.
'Hello,' he said.
'Hi,' Lily replied. James crossed the distance between them and sat down beside her.
'Why aren't you at Hogsmeade?' he asked.
'I could ask you the same question,' she teased, crossing her arms and smiling. James returned it and Lily felt her heart flip over. Dang it.
'Well, all my friends have suddenly acquired girlfriends, and I don't fancy the idea of walking about Hogsmeade all by my lonely self, and thus decided that my best bet was to, erm, do some,' James paused, 'homework,'
Lily smiled in spite of herself. Fancy James Potter having the same problem as her!
'Oh, I'm sure that you could have found some girl to accompany you,' she smiled.
James shrugged. 'Unfortunately, not the one I want,'
Lily felt like crying. No, she felt like simply ceasing to be. Why did James have to like someone? He never had before. He had had one or two girlfriends over the years, but why. Lily despised the idea of seeing another girl in his arms at the ball. The idea made her want to do something drastic.
Instead she said, 'oh, really? Don't be so sure.'
James gave her a wry smile. 'Well, I think that in this case I can be so sure,'
'Oh? Then please, enlighten me. I can give you some advice?'
'Such as jump of a cliff?' James asked, raising a brow.
Lily blushed. She hated being reminded of their previous arguments, perhaps because she felt terrible being mean seeing as she meant none of it. 'Well, sure, if the case really is hopeless,' she joked. James smiled slowly. 'Really though, if you won't tell me, at least tell me why you like her,' she said.
James looked into the fire, his hazel eyes obviously somewhere else. 'She really is amazing. She is absolutely beautiful, and doesn't even know it. In fact, if she knew that I was said that, she would most likely laugh and say it was a good joke, or roll her eyes,' his smile grew fond, 'and she's very smart. But more than that; she has a great sense of humor. I remember my older brother once told me that the most important thing in a girl was if they were funny. And even though I don't talk to her much, I know she is really sweet,'
James was watching the fire and Lily realized with a start that she was watching James with the same smile on her face that he had no his. She started. 'Well,' she said, heart sinking, 'she sounds just about perfect to me,'
'That's the problem,' James agreed.
'Why not tell her how you feel? And don't tell me she doesn't know you exist: everyone knows the Marauders,'
'Ah yes, everyone does. but does she consider me famous or infamous?'
'Why not ask?' Lily questioned.
'I, ah, have reason to suspect my feelings are not returned,'
'And why is that?'
James only smiled, rather sadly at the fire, not answering the question. Lily felt her stomach sinking. Well, she thought, that is one lucky gal. *
James wanted to scream. She was so blasted oblivious! This whole situation made him sick! He wanted to yell at her, tell her that he loved her. He turned his head to look at her and she quickly looked away.
She hates me, James told himself glumly.
'So, what do you think of Quidditch?'
'Is that all you talk about?' Lily asked with a smile. Despite the smile, or perhaps because of it, James glared slightly at her.
'No!' he responded sharply. Lily flinched, perhaps at his tone.
She opened her mouth, closed it, and finally opened it again, 'are you sure?'
'Yes, I'm sure! Just because you are below average intelligence doesn't mean that I am! I have absolutely no trouble keeping a conversation going, unlike you. Honestly, you give the worst advice! Not that I expected anything different; its not as though you've ever been in a relationship!'
He waited for her retort. Her green eyes did not flash in anger. Instead she looked away, stood up, and walked to the girls staircase. James felt like killing himself he had been so horrible. He waited for her to turn around and tell him that she hated him. None of that came. Lily didn't look back, she didn't stop walking, and James didn't call her back.
Why am I such a terrible person?

*

Okay, so maybe I'm not above feeling. That hurt, you dolt. First I have to sit through listening to you go on and on about how wonderful your little crush is, then you decide now would be the perfect time to rage a little bit on me.
Of course I've never been in a relationship.
Nobody would ever want to be in one with me. You've made that perfectly clear.
Lily allowed her thoughts to yell at James though her mouth didn't. There was a time when she would have been proud at her ability to stay silent, but now, she simply felt horrible. The worst part was that her silence brought no change. He really didn't care.
She wanted to call him heartless, but she knew that wasn't true. Ah, yes, Lily knew. She had found out last year what he had done for his friend, and Lily knew he wasn't just cruel.
He just hated her.
And why not? What was there not to hate about her? Lily normally didn't rag on her appearance, but now she couldn't help it. I'm fat, I've got pimples, my hair is bushy and course, and I'm fat.
She slumped down on her bed. For once, she didn't cry. She didn't feel like crying. Instead, she felt more along the lines of fading away. She never wanted to see James again. She wished that she didn't know what he had done for Remus. Now she couldn't possibly hate him.
She put her head in her arms, and tried to fall asleep.

***

James was pacing the common room when Alice and Frank entered, hand in hand. Feeling his stomach drop, James ran over to them.
'Alice? This is going to sound weird, but I think that something is wrong with Lily,'
Alice and Fred exchanged amused glances. 'Why do you think that?' Alice asked, not bothering to hide the humor in his words.
'Well, I, er, well I don't know why, I really don't. We were having a perfectly normal conversation, like she, uh, like we didn't hate each other, and then, wham, I was yelling at her, and. instead of yelling back, she just left,'
Alice dropped Frank's hand. 'Oh?'
'She went to her dormitory.'
Alice started for the stairs, and turned around, glancing at James. 'Well, why did you go and yell?'
James decided to answer honestly. 'Because she hates me, and I thought she would yell sooner or later.'
.And because she's just too. Lily. I'm like the boyfriend who dumps his girlfriend because he's afraid she'll dump him.
Alice gave him a look that reminded him of Lily toned down, and disappeared up the stairs.

*

Lily heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and groaned. She was under the covers with a flashlight and a book, reading and attempting to forget about her life. It wasn't working. In the past few hours, she had read twenty pages. Lily was normally a very fast reader.
The footsteps came over to her bed, and she felt a pressure at the foot of it as someone sat down.
'Hey, Lily,'
It was Alice.
'How was your date with Frank?' Lily asked, summoning all the cheerfulness that she could into that question. Alice ignored it.
'Why didn't you yell back?'
'What?' Lily was stunned. Alice knew, therefore James told her, therefore maybe he felt . sorry?
'James said you two were talking normally, and that all of a sudden he exploded and you hadn't yelled back. He was. kinda of. upset,'
Alice sounded puzzled. That was when Lily lost it. Nothing made sense anymore. She started to sob. Alice reached forward to hug her, but Lily was curled up. Alice waited a minute, then, quietly, 'I'll be back later, if you need me,'
She left.
Lily knew why, but she was too confused to care. Nothing made sense anymore. She wanted so desperately to hate James, but she couldn't.
She decided right then to make a pact with herself. She would never be rude to James again. She was sick of lying, sick of pretending.
Sick of love.