Chapter Four: Needing, Wanting, Hurting
As Susan began to come round Mark was still by her side, still watching over her. Although she was in pain she felt safe, just like she did every time he'd given her a hug when she was having a lousy day.
When Mark saw Susan open her eyes, he lifted his hand to her face and gently pushed a stray hair away from her face.
Susan managed a subdued "Thank-you" before she winced in pain.
"Ouch, my ribs, have I broken any?" Susan asked
"No, you're just bruised, and fairly lucky I'd say. No broken bones." Mark replied
"I, I didn't even see the car. Mark, I..." Susan trailed off as words failed her
"Hey shhhh, I don't want you to worry about anything. You need to take it easy." Mark whispered
Susan settled down in the bed. They'd moved her from a gurney onto a bed while she was sleeping. She was more comfortable there. Susan had never realised just how horrible gurneys were.
"Haleh has called Carter, he's going to bring you some stuff." Mark said with a hint of regret in his voice that he hoped he had hidden.
"Oh ok." Susan said as she tried to force a smile.
Half an hour later Carter came into the room. He walked straight over to Susan and took her hand, just like Mark had done.
Mark made his excuses and left, after all he did still have a shift to work.
As he wandered the corridors, Mark felt a wave of loneliness sweep over him. No matter how many people were around him, no-one seemed to hold his attention, mainly because they didn't seem that interested in him, or what he seemed to say to them.
Before he had been a figure to respect, someone everybody counted on, and although he was an attending, there were so many other great attendings as well. He just seemed to get lost amongst the crowd.
The hours flew by for Mark, like a eagle caught in an up stream, the only problem being the eagle was free.
Sure Mark could do what he liked, but he was trapped by his own mental torment.
When his shift ended Mark went to see Susan. Carter was still there, holding her hand and talking away. She looked pretty happy to him, like she didn't need any interruptions. Just as Mark was about to turn away and go home he heard a faint voice call his name. Mark looked in through the glass, he could see Susan moving her fingers, beckoning him in.
As he entered the room he was warmly greeted by both Susan and Carter.
"Hey you." Mark said
"Hey. I thought you'd gone home and left without coming to see me." Susan replied
"Yeah, if you'd done that she would have been really pissed." Carter called
"As if I'd do that. Glad to see you're doing ok. You should be able to go home tomorrow. Just take it easy. I'd better go now, leave you two to be by yourself." Mark answered
As Mark left all he could think about doing was going back into that room and planting a soft kiss on Susan's lips just to show how much he wants her. But once again he was making his way home, not quite knowing where Susan stood in his life.
As Mark opened the door to his apartment, he picked up his mail from the floor. Whilst sifting through the pile of bills and junk he came across a hand written envelope. It was Susan's handwriting.
Mark sat on the couch and opened the letter. It was dated three days previous.
"Why has it taken so long to get here?" Mark thought
The letter read:
Dear Mark,
These past few weeks have been real hell. I'm not sure about my feelings for you right now, as I'm hurting so much. I so want to go back to being friends, y'know, best friends, always there for each other, no matter what.
Now I have all these negative thoughts about you, and I hate myself for it. But you haven't even come to apologise and I don't know why. Maybe it's because you think what you said was valid, or maybe you just don't want me in your life. I don't know-things just seem so screwed up at the moment, I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going.
I think I need some space, get away from Chicago for a while, but again, I dunno. I can't seem to decide on anything right now.
I'm hoping that when you get this letter you'll realise just how much you mean to me, and how much I need you in my life. Not just needing you, wanting you. I'm hurting like you wouldn't believe.
Please call me or something.
Miss You, Susan, x
As Mark read the letter a tear fell down his face, he needed Susan more than ever, and knowing she needed him gave his life some form of meaning.
He had to see her, maybe this was fate, maybe this was the time he had to show her how much she meant to him, and that maybe, by doing this it would make her decision that little bit easier.
Mark quickly showered, got changed and headed back to the hospital. When he got there he found Susan alone in her room. When she saw him she smiled that gorgeous smile that Mark just loved, that smile he just couldn't resist.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Susan asked
"I got your letter today, the one you wrote three days ago. You said needed me, and I figured that right now you need me more than you did when you wrote that letter, so here I am." Mark answered.
"What letter?" Susan enquired
"The one you wrote a few days ago. And I figured no better time than this to tell you how I really feel, especially after last night." Mark replied
"Last night? What happened last night? Oh Mark I don't remember, what's happened to me?" Susan asked
"Last night I came to apologise for all those horrible things I said. I told you I love you, but you just wanted to be friends, so we agreed on that. Then about a half hour later you came over, one thing led to another and we slept together. You probably don't remember because of the stress" Mark said
"But I remember that argument, I just don't remember you telling me you love me, or us sleeping together. I mean I know we must have made up at some point, I just don't know when. Please don't tell me this is some sick joke." Susan pleaded
"No, Susan, I wouldn't do that to you. I love you. I knew I had to tell you last night. But right now I know that you'll be staying with Carter. Do you remember anything? Do you still have feelings for me?" Mark asked
"Mark can you leave please? I'm so confused, I need some space. Can you give me that?" Susan asked
"Sure, I just hope the space helps you get your memory back. I want you to remember last night because it was so wonderful. For a short while it felt like you were mine." Mark whispered as he slowly left the room, a tear burning its way down his face.
As Susan began to come round Mark was still by her side, still watching over her. Although she was in pain she felt safe, just like she did every time he'd given her a hug when she was having a lousy day.
When Mark saw Susan open her eyes, he lifted his hand to her face and gently pushed a stray hair away from her face.
Susan managed a subdued "Thank-you" before she winced in pain.
"Ouch, my ribs, have I broken any?" Susan asked
"No, you're just bruised, and fairly lucky I'd say. No broken bones." Mark replied
"I, I didn't even see the car. Mark, I..." Susan trailed off as words failed her
"Hey shhhh, I don't want you to worry about anything. You need to take it easy." Mark whispered
Susan settled down in the bed. They'd moved her from a gurney onto a bed while she was sleeping. She was more comfortable there. Susan had never realised just how horrible gurneys were.
"Haleh has called Carter, he's going to bring you some stuff." Mark said with a hint of regret in his voice that he hoped he had hidden.
"Oh ok." Susan said as she tried to force a smile.
Half an hour later Carter came into the room. He walked straight over to Susan and took her hand, just like Mark had done.
Mark made his excuses and left, after all he did still have a shift to work.
As he wandered the corridors, Mark felt a wave of loneliness sweep over him. No matter how many people were around him, no-one seemed to hold his attention, mainly because they didn't seem that interested in him, or what he seemed to say to them.
Before he had been a figure to respect, someone everybody counted on, and although he was an attending, there were so many other great attendings as well. He just seemed to get lost amongst the crowd.
The hours flew by for Mark, like a eagle caught in an up stream, the only problem being the eagle was free.
Sure Mark could do what he liked, but he was trapped by his own mental torment.
When his shift ended Mark went to see Susan. Carter was still there, holding her hand and talking away. She looked pretty happy to him, like she didn't need any interruptions. Just as Mark was about to turn away and go home he heard a faint voice call his name. Mark looked in through the glass, he could see Susan moving her fingers, beckoning him in.
As he entered the room he was warmly greeted by both Susan and Carter.
"Hey you." Mark said
"Hey. I thought you'd gone home and left without coming to see me." Susan replied
"Yeah, if you'd done that she would have been really pissed." Carter called
"As if I'd do that. Glad to see you're doing ok. You should be able to go home tomorrow. Just take it easy. I'd better go now, leave you two to be by yourself." Mark answered
As Mark left all he could think about doing was going back into that room and planting a soft kiss on Susan's lips just to show how much he wants her. But once again he was making his way home, not quite knowing where Susan stood in his life.
As Mark opened the door to his apartment, he picked up his mail from the floor. Whilst sifting through the pile of bills and junk he came across a hand written envelope. It was Susan's handwriting.
Mark sat on the couch and opened the letter. It was dated three days previous.
"Why has it taken so long to get here?" Mark thought
The letter read:
Dear Mark,
These past few weeks have been real hell. I'm not sure about my feelings for you right now, as I'm hurting so much. I so want to go back to being friends, y'know, best friends, always there for each other, no matter what.
Now I have all these negative thoughts about you, and I hate myself for it. But you haven't even come to apologise and I don't know why. Maybe it's because you think what you said was valid, or maybe you just don't want me in your life. I don't know-things just seem so screwed up at the moment, I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going.
I think I need some space, get away from Chicago for a while, but again, I dunno. I can't seem to decide on anything right now.
I'm hoping that when you get this letter you'll realise just how much you mean to me, and how much I need you in my life. Not just needing you, wanting you. I'm hurting like you wouldn't believe.
Please call me or something.
Miss You, Susan, x
As Mark read the letter a tear fell down his face, he needed Susan more than ever, and knowing she needed him gave his life some form of meaning.
He had to see her, maybe this was fate, maybe this was the time he had to show her how much she meant to him, and that maybe, by doing this it would make her decision that little bit easier.
Mark quickly showered, got changed and headed back to the hospital. When he got there he found Susan alone in her room. When she saw him she smiled that gorgeous smile that Mark just loved, that smile he just couldn't resist.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Susan asked
"I got your letter today, the one you wrote three days ago. You said needed me, and I figured that right now you need me more than you did when you wrote that letter, so here I am." Mark answered.
"What letter?" Susan enquired
"The one you wrote a few days ago. And I figured no better time than this to tell you how I really feel, especially after last night." Mark replied
"Last night? What happened last night? Oh Mark I don't remember, what's happened to me?" Susan asked
"Last night I came to apologise for all those horrible things I said. I told you I love you, but you just wanted to be friends, so we agreed on that. Then about a half hour later you came over, one thing led to another and we slept together. You probably don't remember because of the stress" Mark said
"But I remember that argument, I just don't remember you telling me you love me, or us sleeping together. I mean I know we must have made up at some point, I just don't know when. Please don't tell me this is some sick joke." Susan pleaded
"No, Susan, I wouldn't do that to you. I love you. I knew I had to tell you last night. But right now I know that you'll be staying with Carter. Do you remember anything? Do you still have feelings for me?" Mark asked
"Mark can you leave please? I'm so confused, I need some space. Can you give me that?" Susan asked
"Sure, I just hope the space helps you get your memory back. I want you to remember last night because it was so wonderful. For a short while it felt like you were mine." Mark whispered as he slowly left the room, a tear burning its way down his face.
