Chapter Eight: Let's just hope

As Susan lay in her hospital bed for the last few hours of her stay at County, she heard footsteps coming along the corridor. She was hoping that in a few seconds Mark would pop his head around the door and smile at her.

But instead it was Carter who walked in. Susan wasn't disappointed to see him, but she had rather that it had been Mark.

However, Carter was looking far from his usual self. He looked like he had been crying. He greeted her with a simple 'Hey'

"Hey Carter. What's up?" Susan asked

"Susan, I have to talk to you. Something's happened." Carter replied

Susan's face fell, she instinctively knew it was about Mark.

"Carter, what's wrong?" Susan asked desperately

"It's Mark. He's downstairs." Carter said

"In the ER?!" Susan asked

"Yeah. I went round to his apartment to chat. I was feeling down about things, and I knew he'd understand. When I got there, I could see he was in, but when I knocked on the door he didn't answer. I got worried when after ten minutes I didn't get a response. So I kicked the door in, and that's when I found him." Carter trailed off

"Found him how?" Susan begged

"He was barely conscious. I shook him to try and get him to come round, and when I did I noticed an empty bottle of whisky, and an empty packet of 16 aspirin. He took an overdose Susan, he tried to kill himself. When we got here I found this in his pocket. I think you should read it." Carter said as he handed the note to Susan

As she read it, she began to cry, the tears burning her cheeks. She had done this to him. It was all because of her that he was lying unconscious in the ER. During that moment, she realised she had never been in love with someone as intensely as she was in love with Mark.

She turned to Carter, trying to stem the flow of tears.

"There's something I have to do." Susan said quietly

"I think I know." Carter replied sadly, but knowing that Mark needed her more than he did.

"It's not that I didn't love you John. I did, but it wasn't strong enough to stop me thinking of him. He's the one I want to be with, it's always been that way. I'm sorry, I enjoyed being with you, I really did, but I think we worked better as friends." Susan tried reassuring Carter.

"I know, and it's ok, I understand. You're going to be a hard person to get over Susan Lewis. But I'm not angry at you for anything, I don't blame you for anything, I can't stand in the way of love. It would be selfish of me to make you stay, not that I think I could. You need to go and see him. If there's an ounce left of fight in him, it will carry him through if he hears your voice." Carter replied

Instead of waiting to be discharged Susan signed herself out AMA. It wasn't like she was supposed to be in there much longer anyway. She followed Carter downstairs into the ER. He stopped her at the doors of trauma one. He knew she had seen hundreds of overdose cases, but this one was different. This was Mark.

"You know he's going to have an ET tube in, until they can establish if he can breath on his own. And he's sedated, got charcoal stains around his mouth. Basically he doesn't look good." Carter was honest with Susan, lying had already caused too much pain.

"I know what to expect" Susan answered

Susan tentatively walked through the doors of trauma one. As soon as she saw Mark she began to cry. She pulled up a stool, sat beside him and took his hand.

"Why did you do this Mark? This was the stupidest, most selfish thing you could have done. I didn't have you down as a selfish person. You won't just ruin your life by doing this, it will affect so many people, especially if you don't pull through. Rachel, Jenn, Carter, everyone who worked on you, and me. So you'd better pull through, or you're going to have a lot of people pissed at you." Susan said, partly angry, partly joking, and partly choking back the tears.

But she couldn't do it. The tears began to flow again. Like red hot rivers flowing down the contours of her face. As soon as she wiped them away, a new one raced down her cheek.

This time she leant in closer to Mark, but instead of shouting at him angrily she brushed her hand softly over his face and whispered,

"Mark, I need you to come through this. When I was upstairs in my bed earlier, I was thinking about you, and I realised that I'd spent most of my time thinking about you. It's always been you, for years you've been the only person I've wanted to wake up next to. The only person who's arms I've wanted to have embrace me, and who's kiss I've wanted to feel on my lips. And now, because I was so stupid, made you wait and worry, I might never have that chance." Susan sobbed

As she cried harder and leant her head on Mark's chest and hand touched her on the shoulder. She looked up to see Carter, his eyes pricked with tears.

"I don't want to lose him John." Susan cried

"I know. When I found him, any selfish anger I had just disappeared, and I realised. You two didn't sleep together just for the hell of it. You made love because you love each other. You've both been my friends for years, you helped me when I was down, bailed me out when I made mistakes. And now I'm going to be here for you both, as a friend. We can help him get through this Susan." Carter said trying to reassure Susan.

"I hope so. I just don't want him to die thinking I don't care." Susan answered.

"He'll know now, remember, he can still hear."

Just as Carter finished speaking Mark's hand twitched. Susan looked at Carter.

"Do you think he's waking up?" She asked

"Let's just hope." Carter replied.