LJFan: Hahahaaaaaaa! Hello! I'm bored so I decided to write the next chapter early. Hahaaaa!

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"I have a terrible announcement to make." Dumbledore said. He had woken up while Angel and Harry were in Shagland. "Dean Thomas was shot and killed last night. So was Professor Snape. The only mystery now is to whom will his paper bags go to..."

McGonagall kicked him under the table.

"OOOOOOOOOOOW! That hurt. I mean, the only mystery is who is the killer."

"Actually, it's not a mystery, because I'm the killer." Angel said, on a whim. Then she realised what she had said, and floated around, waving her arms and legs all over the place. "Uh, this is a dream... you are dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaming..."

It worked. The students in the hall's eyes widened, and they exchanged knowing looks with Angel, who settled back in her seat. "That was a close one... I just hope I'm that smart next time!" She said to herself.

Dumbledore shook his head and grinned. "Wow, some vivid dream! Anyway, my other announcement is that I'm sick of the people's names. Ron's new name is Dugong. Harry's new name is Carpet. Angel's last name is still Herpes, but her first name has been changed to Beyoncè. All the other student's names have been changed to Diedre, because I personally feel that Diedre is a great name, don't you?"

No one else thought Diedre was a remotely great name.

Angel, oh sorry, Beyoncè had decided to tell no one about her murders. She thought they would not believe her about the dreams, think she was committing them of her own free will, and give her the death sentence by lethal injection. Or maybe Avada Kedavra? No, then the person Avada Kedavra- ing her would get life in Azkaban. Ah, the funniest thing happened on the radio the other day. They were trying to get people to say Azkaban but no one could say it and they were saying stuff like "Prisoner of Afghanistan" "Prisoner of Askelam" and "Prisoner of Azkelalala."

Anywho, back to the story. Beyoncè trudged along the corridors... she didn't realise where she was going... She tripped over. MAJOR PLOT DEVELOPMENT! She hit her head, and passed out...

She was walking along the same corridor, but she could see herself where she was lying on the tiles, passed out. The author was sick of typing Alt 138 whenever she had to type Beyoncè, so she changed her name. Again. Her name changed to Alicia. Cos I like that name, alright?

ANYWHO, Alicia Herpes walked down the corridors, looking for someone to kill... She turned a corner, saw someone, and hid behind one of those Chinese screens people undress behind. As soon as she could see her target, she leapt out onto him, grabbing his neck like a monkey. He squealed and tried to shake her off, running backwards into walls, that kind of thing, but she held on, feeling skin tear beneath her fingers. Blood spurted out of his neck, and she finally let go, wiping her hands on his robes. He danced around, and for a second Alicia thought he was doing the Cha Cha Slide... but then realised he was doing the steps from that song, 5, 6, 7, 8. You know? Mah boot scooting baby is drivin' me crazy my obsession for the western, my dance floor date... forgive me if I get the words wrong, that song was such a long time ago.

A camera fell out of is pocket as he hit the ground, and Alicia picked it up and ripped off the name tag saying "Property of Colin Creevy" Then, someone had written in Liquid Paper just below the tag... "Who is a poof"

Alicia blanched. How dare someone say such a degrading thing! I mean, Colin did kind of swing the other way, but there was no reason to write it on his camera. (Haha now I'm not up shit creek with the people who don't like the P word!)

She lifted the camera to her eyes and took three pictures of his dead body, then laid them out on his chest. She put the camera in front of his head like a makeshift gravestone, and left the scene of the crime.

She stalked the hallways, doing so much stalking of the corridors in this fic that she actually turned into an alfalfa stalk. She stared at the author. "I DEMAND compensation."

Alicia turned back into a human, and everyone in the world was in love with her, except for chicks and ugly guys. Dugong and Carpet's names were changed back to Ron and Harry. Happy? Good.

She took a battle-axe from its place on the wall, and stalked the corridors some more, watching out for the burritos that lay scattered on the floor like horse poopies. She pushed her wings out and flew out of the window, landing in North Tower, where Professor Sinistra's bedchambers were. She found the professor sitting on a bed covered with green sheets, her head in her hands, crying. (Did you know I never knew Sinistra and Snape were an item? How ignorant am I?) She turned her head at the sound of Alicia touching down on the floor.

"Wha...?" Was all she murmured before the axe came crashing down, all but cleaving her head in two. She carved a small bunny on the door, waving her hand at it. It smiled at her and started dancing like a hula girl.

"If you like pina coladas..." the rabbit sang quietly. Alicia danced along with the rabbit for a while, then flew out of the window, finding Ron and Luna underneath a tree, shagging. Then she realised they were dead.

"Must be those three strains of a deadly virus in her hair." Alicia said knowingly, and poked them. They fell over. "Good thing I gave Luna that Anthrax-riddled shampoo..."

She flew up to where her passed-out body lay, and floated back into it. She got up from the hard, cold stone floor, and continued on her way to her dormitories.

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DEAD COUNT

Neville Longbottom

Draco Malfoy

Hermione Granger

Dean Thomas

Severus Snape

Josephine Sinistra

Ron Weasley

Luna Lovegood

Harry looked up from his list and saw Alicia standing over him. "What are you doing?" She asked curiously.

"Writing a list of the people killed."

"Why?"

"So I can find out a connection, you know, find out who did it."

"Well, they've all been mentioned in your books."

"Yeah, but that leaves the – what? I have books?"

"Uh – no! Carry on."

"Yeah. I'm trying to find out who's next."

Alicia grabbed his shoulders and moved her head around. "It might be you."

"WHAT?"

"Uh... you are dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeaming..."

"Ok."

And she danced the Macarena all the way to her dormitory.