Not At Home to Ms Broody
A Will & Grace fanfic by Pjazz
2004
NOTE This is set sometime during season 1.
INT. GRACE'S APARTMENT.
WILL AND GRACE ARE COMPETING WITH ROB AND ELLEN IN THEIR CHARADES-TYPE CONTEST.
ROB IS UP. HE'S MIMING A CLOCKWORK ORANGE BY HOLDING HIS FIST OUT AND TURNING A PRETEND KEY.
ELLEN
Adventures in Fisting! Adventures in Fisting Part 2! No? Adventures in Fisting Uncut!
WILL
Time's up.
ROB
Ellen, it was A Clockwork Orange. By Kubrick. Where did you get all that 'Adventures in Fisting' stuff?
ELLEN
I, uh, might glimpsed the titles at the video store.
WILL
Don't they keep all the sick stuff behind the counter?
ELLEN
Yeah, but if you crane your neck...
GRACE
Our turn! Will?
WILL
Never gonna happen...
GRACE
My Best Friend's Wedding!
ELLEN
Wow. 3 seconds. Look's like you win. Again. Surprise, surprise.
WILL
We win!
GRACE
You lose!
WILL
We rule!
GRACE
You suck!
ROB
Grace...
GRACE
We're the kings!
WILL
I'm a big queen!
ELLEN
Will...
WILL
We rock!
GRACE
You...don't rock!
ROB
Will, Grace - really not loving the gloating so much.
GRACE
Awww! Mebbe it's because you're - big fat losers!
WILL
What say we do this again Thursday night?
ELLEN
Much as we love the ritual humiliation, no can do.It's my sister's little boy's birthday. Rob and I have agreed to host the party this year.
WILL
In your tiny apartment? Say, as a consolation for losing --
GRACE
Big fat losing!
WILL --why don't you hold the party at my place? There's plenty of room.
ELLEN
Will, are you sure? This is not Pollyanna we're talking here. I love my nephew dearly, but he's Devil's spawn. Green vomit, head spinning - the whole Exorcist bit.
WILL
I'd love to have kids running about the place. It's not as if it's gonna happen too often.
ROB
Certainly not with Grace as a best friend.
THEY ALL LAUGH - EXCEPT GRACE.
GRACE
Excuse me?
ELLEN
Come on, Gracey. You're hardly the maternal type.
GRACE
Ok, what just happened here? You're all basically calling me a dried up barren old maid.
WILL
Well, hardly maid.
ROB
It's nothing, Grace. Forget it.
GRACE
Ok. Totally forgotten. (BEAT) Seriously, you're implying I'm never having kids?
ELLEN
Let's face it, Grace. You're in your 30s now. No man on the horizon...
GRACE
I have men in my life. Just this morning at the deli some guy was checking out my butt.
WILL
(SINGS) Ding dong, the wedding bells are gonna chime!
ELLEN
Tick tock, Grace. The biological clock's ticking.
ROB
Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
GRACE
Will you stop tick tocking me! My biological clock is gonna keep right on ticking, as long as it takes. Even I have to stuff myself full of monkey glands at 50. When I meet the right guy my uterus is gonna spit out babies like buckshot out a 12 gauge.
WILL
What a charming mental image.
GRACE
In fact, I'll help Will host your nephew's birthday party. I'll show you. Kids instinctively respond to my maternal side.
WILL
It must be your huge child-bearing hips.
GRACE
Hey, can I help it if I'm a perfect size 4?
WILL
Not if you're actually an imperfect size 8.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL AND GRACE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE, PLANS LAID OUT BEFORE THEM.
THEY'RE PLANNING THE BIRTHDAY PARTY - VERY SERIOUSLY.
WILL
Item one, catering.
GRACE
All organized. We're using Weinbaum's Party Catering. They did my cousin Ira's barmitzvah.
WILL
Oy vey. I guess hot dogs are off the menu.
GRACE
Item two, origami place settings in the shape of an elephant.
WILL
I still say they look like an improbably endowed fat man playing with himself.
GRACE
Item three, emergency sick bags.
WILL
Airline issue.Pack of 50. Check.
GRACE
Item four, what colour party balloons? Moschino or indigo-azure?
WILL
Moschino or indigo-azure? Don't you mean red or blue?
GRACE
Will, I'm a designer. There is no red or blue.
WILL
Red balloons.
GRACE
Moshino it is. Item five, Ritalin. Do we dose their food or their lemonade?
WILL
Do we have to use personality altering drugs at all? It seems, I don't know - insane.
GRACE
Will, I love kids as much as the next person. But I'm damned if a bunch of hyper active brats are going to run riot and ruin my party. I want them docile, preferrably comatose.
WILL
It just seems...
GRACE
Get over it. Item six, entertainment. Clown or magician?
WILL
How about instead I sit in a chair in the centre of the room, the kids all sit cross-legged around me, listening enthralled as I read extracts from 'Wind in the Willows'.
GRACE
Sounds great.
WILL
Really?
GRACE
Sure - in Victorian London!
WILL
What's wrong with reading? Kenneth Graham's 'Wind in the Willows' is a classic children's novel.
GRACE
Will, my big gay doozer head friend, this is the X-Box generation. They don't read. They're not interested in dumb old Mr Toad.
WILL
Oh so a hedgehog called Sonic who spins on his spiny little ass is fine, but a talking toad is beyond them?
GRACE
Exactly.
WILL
C'mon, Grace, can't you picture the scene? The children in a tight circle facing me in my smoking jacket, reading ---
GRACE
Since when d'you own a smoking jacket?
WILL
I could rent one.
GRACE
Oh please, Noel Coward, get real. Clown or magician?
WILL
(SULKS) Don't care.
GRACE
(SIGHS) Remind me to include you a dose of Ritalin.
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.
GRACE AND KAREN.
GRACE IS ON THE PHONE.
GRACE
Yes, I'd like to order 100 moschino balloons. (BEAT) Moschino. Yes, it's a word. (BEAT) It is too a word. (BEAT) Listen, can I speak to someone more senior, someone more...intelligent. (BEAT) You're the president of the company? And you don't know what moschino means? (BEAT) No, I didn't make the word up. (SIGHS) Do you have any red balloons? 100. (BEAT) I did say so in the first place! (HANGS UP) Ignoramous!
KAREN
Throwing a party, hon? Having a little shindig? A chance to kick out the jams, let your hair down and party hardie?
GRACE
IT's a kids birthday party, Karen, not a 60s head shop. What are you doing over there?
KAREN
I'm counting my happy pills, hon. Sometimes just counting them gives me a happy. I've blue pills, white pills, yellow pills - even moschino pills. Oh, I just made a funny! Have to write that down in my little moschino book.
JACK ENTERS. VERY HYPER.
JACK
Omigodomigodomigodomigod. O-MI-GOD!!!
KAREN
What is it, honey? Did the Pope come out of the closet?
JACK
I was in Ralph Lauren's checking out the new Polo collection. - By the way, cashmere to die for - When who should walk in the door? James Van der Beek!
KAREN
The hottie from 'The Creek'!
JACK
Exacti-mundi-mundo! The Beek from the Creek. The Bee from the Cee. The hottie with the lottie.
KAREN
What'd you do, hon? Did you hop on board and ride him like a wild stallion?
JACK
Not quite.
KAREN
Did you grab him by the scruff of the neck, mount him bare back and kick your heels in his sides till he yelped like a girl?
JACK
Karen...
KAREN
Did you ride him at full gallop until you were both drenched in sweat and popped like warm champagne?
JACK
Jesus, Karen. Will you let me finish?
KAREN
No, you let me finish. Oh! Oh! Oh! OHHHHHHH! All done. Your turn.
JACK
I didn't want to appear an easy sell. So I played it cool. I threw myself at his feet and yelled 'Take me, James Van der Beek! I'm yours!'
GRACE
Oh that was playing it cool alright.
KAREN
What happened next? Did he ride you like a wild stall---
GRACE
Please, Karen. Stop. I beg you.
JACK
Security picked me up and threw me out on the street. But I was this close to doing James van der Beek.
GRACE
How was that close? You made a fool of yourself and got slung out.
KAREN
Oh please, Grace. It was closer to sex than you've managed in a month.
GRACE
I've had my moments. There was Jeff, from Forest Hills.
KAREN
Please. He was a total loser. He even wore shorts to work.
GRACE
Karen, he was a professional tennis player. Of course he wore shorts to work.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
JACK ENTERS, EXCITED.
JACK
You'll never guess what!
WILL
You're a married man with 2 children living in Yonkers. This whole gay thing has been a sham.
JACK
Oh hardy har har. I was in the theatre rehersing 'Just Jac-que.'
WILL
'Just Jac-que?'
JACK
I changed it from 'Just Jack'. I'm thinking global now. The french market is very big for gay men.
WILL
Ah yes. The entent cordiale. Vive la difference, Monsieur Fruit.Plus the Eiffel Tower. I mean how phallic is that?
JACK
Who should walk in the theatre? The Spice Girls!
WILL
Ginger, Scarey, Posh, Sporty and the one no one can remember?
JACK
The one and onlies. They were rehersing for their tour. But here's the best part. They were heading uptown. So was I. They were taking a limo. So was I.
WILL
Jack, a Checker cab doesn't count as a limo.
JACK
So we shared. Then Geri - Ginger spice - needed to pee. I suggested your place.
WILL
Ah yes, Will Truman's apartment. That well known New York pissoir.
JACK
They're on their way up right now!
DOOR OPENS. SPICE GIRLS ENTER.
JACK
Girls, welcome to my humble abode.
WILL
Your humble abode?
WILL
This is Will. He's a civilian, not in the biz like us.
POSH
Nice flat. You've got some really nice objects d'art.
WILL
Thank you, er, Posh.
POSH
Call me Victoria.
SCAREY
Here, Mel. Take a butchers at this picture. It's a bloke with no kecks on. You can see his willy.
GERI
Where's the bog?
WILL
Bog? You mean the Everglades? Well, you take the Interstate--
GERI
The loo.
WILL
Lou Grant? Lou Gehring? Lou Ferrigno?
GERI
The toilet, silly. I need to widdle.
WILL
On the right.
GERI EXITS
WILL
Bog. Widdle. What charming English expressions. I must remember them next time I lunch at Buck palace.
DOOR OPENS. GRACE AND KAREN ENTER.
GRACE
Will, am I dreaming? The Spice girls appear to be in your apartment.
KAREN
Oh honey, I hallucinate stuff like this all the time. Usually there's white elephants and flying dwarves. Later Jackie Onassis appears in blood-stained Chanel and and whips me with dollar bills.
POSH SPICE AND KAREN STARE AT EACH OTHER.
BOTH ARE IN IDENTICAL PENCIL SKIRTS AND FENDI BLOUSES, FERAGAMO SLINGBACKS AND ALICE BANDS HOLD THEIR HAIR BACK.
KAREN
You know, honey, I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I like you.
GERI ENTERS
GERI
Ta, Will. I was bursting. Nice touch the seat being down.
JACK
That was me! That was me!
SCAREY
(TO GRACE) Wow! I think you're the best I've seen.
GRACE
Excuse me?
SCAREY
The hair. The make up. If you got implants you'd be the best drag act ever.
SPICE GIRLS EXIT
GRACE
Whoa! What just happened here?
WILL
Scarey spice appears to think you're a man dressed as a woman.
JACK
Grace is a man? You know, I always thought there was something odd about him.
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.
GRACE AND KAREN AND JACK
PHONE RINGS.
GRACE
Aren't you going to answer that?
KAREN
Answer what, honey?
GRACE PICKS UP PHONE
GRACE
Grace Adler Design. Grace Adler speaking. (BEAT) What? You're cancelling? But where am I going to find another magician? Well I'm sorry, but that's very unprofessional. (HANGS UP)
That was the party magician. He's in hospital. Apparently the doves he keeps stuffed down his pants turned feral. They pecked his pecker.
JACK
Ouch!
GRACE
So I've got no entertainment booked.
JACK
Omigod! I just had an amazing idea. I'll ring my good friends the Spice Girls. They can sing at the party.
GRACE
Jack, that'd be great! That'd really show Rob and Ellen what a great mother I'd make.
JACK
No problemo. Leave it to Jack.
KAREN
Honey, I don't know why you're bothering. When Stan's kids have a birthday I order a crate of Stolly and Rosario does her Gloria Estefan impression.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL, GRACE, ROB AND ELLEN.
THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING.
ELLEN
Grace, any sign of the Spice Girls? Little Alfie says if they're not here soon he'll pee his pants. It's not an idle threat. Believe me.
GRACE
Any minute, Ellen. I'm sure Jack's got it all under control.
WILL
You really think Jack's gonna deliver? This is Jack, Grace. Mr Unreliable.
GRACE
Will, if Jack lets me down he's going straight from gay man to transvestite - without anaesthetic.
DOOR OPENS. KAREN ENTERS.
GRACE Karen? What are you doing here? You hate kids parties. You hate kids.
KAREN
I know, hon. But I had to support my dearest, closest friend.
GRACE
Why, Karen, that's so sweet of---- Wait a second. You heard I was handing out Ritalin, didn't you? You're here to score the kids stash.
KAREN
Why, Grace, I'm hurt. Oh the hell with it. That's right. I'm here for the connection. Waiting for the Man, my ass.
DOOR OPENS. JACK ENTERS. ALONE.
GRACE
Jack, where are the Spice Girls?
JACK
Slight problemo. They're not coming.
WILL
Oh the surprise. The shock.
JACK
Sporty spice had another tattoo. It turned septic. And the others went shopping.
GRACE
Those British bitches! That's the last time I pretend to like their records.
ROB
Don't mean to worry you, but now all the kids say they're gonna pee their pants if the Spice Girls aren't here soon.
GRACE
Will, you know what this means?
WILL
Dozen kids peeing their pants? I think so. I'll get the mops.
GRACE
No. I can't even organise a childrens party. What kind of terrible mother would I make? Perhaps it's just as well I don't have kids.
JACK
Grace, we are not at home to Ms Broody. I've got an idea. Why don't we pretend to be the Spice Girls?
WILL
What?
JACK
I'll be Sporty. Will, you're Scarey. Grace, Ginger - naturally. And Karen, Posh.We'll mime to the CD.
GRACE
Jack, that is the most terribe---
ELLEN
Alfie! Look at the mess you made!
GRACE
--lly good idea. Let's get changed.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
LATER.
THE SHOW'S OVER. WILL, GRACE, JACK AND KAREN FINISH MIMING THE LAST SONG. THE KIDS CHEER.
ELLEN
Right. Who wants jelly?
KIDS
Me!
GRACE (WEARING BASQUE TOP ETC.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
WILL
(BLACKED UP) I'll second that.
KAREN
(DRESSED AS NORMAL) Did someone say who wants Ritalin? Me! Me!
JACK
(IN SPORTS BRA) Well, I thought that went well. Admittedly the choreography wasn't quite up to my usual standards. But that's working with amateurs for you.
GRACE
Went well? Jack, my basque top fell down during 'When 2 become 1'. I exposed myself to everyone. It was so humiliating.
WILL
Especially when little Alfie yelled - 'Hey, no boobies. She's a man.'
GRACE
First Scarey spice, now Little Alfie. I am so getting cosmetic surgery.
WILL
But look at their happy faces, Grace. You did it. The party was a success. You'd make a terrific mom.
GRACE
You really think so? Oh Will. Thank you.
THEY HUG
KAREN
Hold it right there, kids. I'm Federal agent Bigrack, FBI. This is a bust. Hand over all your drugs - now! (HOISTS BREASTS) These are loaded weapons. And I'm not afraid to use 'em.
INT. PARTY.
WILL IS SEATED ON A STOOL READING FROM 'WIND IN THE WILLOWS'. HE'S WEARING A VELVET SMOKING JACKET. THE KIDS ARE SAT CROSS-LEGGED LISTENING TO HIM READ.
WILL
"The Mole had been working very hard all the morning, spring cleaning his little home. First with brooms, then dusters, then on ladders and steps and chairs, with a brush and a pail of whitewash, till he had dust in his throat and eyes, and splashes of whitewash all over his black fur, and an aching back with weary arms..."
CAMERA PANS OVER THE UPTURNED FACES OF THE ENTHRALLED KIDS UNTIL IT REACHES GRACE, KAREN AND JACK, WHO ARE SLUMPED AGAINST EACH OTHER, FAST ASLEEP.
THE END
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A Will & Grace fanfic by Pjazz
2004
NOTE This is set sometime during season 1.
INT. GRACE'S APARTMENT.
WILL AND GRACE ARE COMPETING WITH ROB AND ELLEN IN THEIR CHARADES-TYPE CONTEST.
ROB IS UP. HE'S MIMING A CLOCKWORK ORANGE BY HOLDING HIS FIST OUT AND TURNING A PRETEND KEY.
ELLEN
Adventures in Fisting! Adventures in Fisting Part 2! No? Adventures in Fisting Uncut!
WILL
Time's up.
ROB
Ellen, it was A Clockwork Orange. By Kubrick. Where did you get all that 'Adventures in Fisting' stuff?
ELLEN
I, uh, might glimpsed the titles at the video store.
WILL
Don't they keep all the sick stuff behind the counter?
ELLEN
Yeah, but if you crane your neck...
GRACE
Our turn! Will?
WILL
Never gonna happen...
GRACE
My Best Friend's Wedding!
ELLEN
Wow. 3 seconds. Look's like you win. Again. Surprise, surprise.
WILL
We win!
GRACE
You lose!
WILL
We rule!
GRACE
You suck!
ROB
Grace...
GRACE
We're the kings!
WILL
I'm a big queen!
ELLEN
Will...
WILL
We rock!
GRACE
You...don't rock!
ROB
Will, Grace - really not loving the gloating so much.
GRACE
Awww! Mebbe it's because you're - big fat losers!
WILL
What say we do this again Thursday night?
ELLEN
Much as we love the ritual humiliation, no can do.It's my sister's little boy's birthday. Rob and I have agreed to host the party this year.
WILL
In your tiny apartment? Say, as a consolation for losing --
GRACE
Big fat losing!
WILL --why don't you hold the party at my place? There's plenty of room.
ELLEN
Will, are you sure? This is not Pollyanna we're talking here. I love my nephew dearly, but he's Devil's spawn. Green vomit, head spinning - the whole Exorcist bit.
WILL
I'd love to have kids running about the place. It's not as if it's gonna happen too often.
ROB
Certainly not with Grace as a best friend.
THEY ALL LAUGH - EXCEPT GRACE.
GRACE
Excuse me?
ELLEN
Come on, Gracey. You're hardly the maternal type.
GRACE
Ok, what just happened here? You're all basically calling me a dried up barren old maid.
WILL
Well, hardly maid.
ROB
It's nothing, Grace. Forget it.
GRACE
Ok. Totally forgotten. (BEAT) Seriously, you're implying I'm never having kids?
ELLEN
Let's face it, Grace. You're in your 30s now. No man on the horizon...
GRACE
I have men in my life. Just this morning at the deli some guy was checking out my butt.
WILL
(SINGS) Ding dong, the wedding bells are gonna chime!
ELLEN
Tick tock, Grace. The biological clock's ticking.
ROB
Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
GRACE
Will you stop tick tocking me! My biological clock is gonna keep right on ticking, as long as it takes. Even I have to stuff myself full of monkey glands at 50. When I meet the right guy my uterus is gonna spit out babies like buckshot out a 12 gauge.
WILL
What a charming mental image.
GRACE
In fact, I'll help Will host your nephew's birthday party. I'll show you. Kids instinctively respond to my maternal side.
WILL
It must be your huge child-bearing hips.
GRACE
Hey, can I help it if I'm a perfect size 4?
WILL
Not if you're actually an imperfect size 8.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL AND GRACE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE, PLANS LAID OUT BEFORE THEM.
THEY'RE PLANNING THE BIRTHDAY PARTY - VERY SERIOUSLY.
WILL
Item one, catering.
GRACE
All organized. We're using Weinbaum's Party Catering. They did my cousin Ira's barmitzvah.
WILL
Oy vey. I guess hot dogs are off the menu.
GRACE
Item two, origami place settings in the shape of an elephant.
WILL
I still say they look like an improbably endowed fat man playing with himself.
GRACE
Item three, emergency sick bags.
WILL
Airline issue.Pack of 50. Check.
GRACE
Item four, what colour party balloons? Moschino or indigo-azure?
WILL
Moschino or indigo-azure? Don't you mean red or blue?
GRACE
Will, I'm a designer. There is no red or blue.
WILL
Red balloons.
GRACE
Moshino it is. Item five, Ritalin. Do we dose their food or their lemonade?
WILL
Do we have to use personality altering drugs at all? It seems, I don't know - insane.
GRACE
Will, I love kids as much as the next person. But I'm damned if a bunch of hyper active brats are going to run riot and ruin my party. I want them docile, preferrably comatose.
WILL
It just seems...
GRACE
Get over it. Item six, entertainment. Clown or magician?
WILL
How about instead I sit in a chair in the centre of the room, the kids all sit cross-legged around me, listening enthralled as I read extracts from 'Wind in the Willows'.
GRACE
Sounds great.
WILL
Really?
GRACE
Sure - in Victorian London!
WILL
What's wrong with reading? Kenneth Graham's 'Wind in the Willows' is a classic children's novel.
GRACE
Will, my big gay doozer head friend, this is the X-Box generation. They don't read. They're not interested in dumb old Mr Toad.
WILL
Oh so a hedgehog called Sonic who spins on his spiny little ass is fine, but a talking toad is beyond them?
GRACE
Exactly.
WILL
C'mon, Grace, can't you picture the scene? The children in a tight circle facing me in my smoking jacket, reading ---
GRACE
Since when d'you own a smoking jacket?
WILL
I could rent one.
GRACE
Oh please, Noel Coward, get real. Clown or magician?
WILL
(SULKS) Don't care.
GRACE
(SIGHS) Remind me to include you a dose of Ritalin.
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.
GRACE AND KAREN.
GRACE IS ON THE PHONE.
GRACE
Yes, I'd like to order 100 moschino balloons. (BEAT) Moschino. Yes, it's a word. (BEAT) It is too a word. (BEAT) Listen, can I speak to someone more senior, someone more...intelligent. (BEAT) You're the president of the company? And you don't know what moschino means? (BEAT) No, I didn't make the word up. (SIGHS) Do you have any red balloons? 100. (BEAT) I did say so in the first place! (HANGS UP) Ignoramous!
KAREN
Throwing a party, hon? Having a little shindig? A chance to kick out the jams, let your hair down and party hardie?
GRACE
IT's a kids birthday party, Karen, not a 60s head shop. What are you doing over there?
KAREN
I'm counting my happy pills, hon. Sometimes just counting them gives me a happy. I've blue pills, white pills, yellow pills - even moschino pills. Oh, I just made a funny! Have to write that down in my little moschino book.
JACK ENTERS. VERY HYPER.
JACK
Omigodomigodomigodomigod. O-MI-GOD!!!
KAREN
What is it, honey? Did the Pope come out of the closet?
JACK
I was in Ralph Lauren's checking out the new Polo collection. - By the way, cashmere to die for - When who should walk in the door? James Van der Beek!
KAREN
The hottie from 'The Creek'!
JACK
Exacti-mundi-mundo! The Beek from the Creek. The Bee from the Cee. The hottie with the lottie.
KAREN
What'd you do, hon? Did you hop on board and ride him like a wild stallion?
JACK
Not quite.
KAREN
Did you grab him by the scruff of the neck, mount him bare back and kick your heels in his sides till he yelped like a girl?
JACK
Karen...
KAREN
Did you ride him at full gallop until you were both drenched in sweat and popped like warm champagne?
JACK
Jesus, Karen. Will you let me finish?
KAREN
No, you let me finish. Oh! Oh! Oh! OHHHHHHH! All done. Your turn.
JACK
I didn't want to appear an easy sell. So I played it cool. I threw myself at his feet and yelled 'Take me, James Van der Beek! I'm yours!'
GRACE
Oh that was playing it cool alright.
KAREN
What happened next? Did he ride you like a wild stall---
GRACE
Please, Karen. Stop. I beg you.
JACK
Security picked me up and threw me out on the street. But I was this close to doing James van der Beek.
GRACE
How was that close? You made a fool of yourself and got slung out.
KAREN
Oh please, Grace. It was closer to sex than you've managed in a month.
GRACE
I've had my moments. There was Jeff, from Forest Hills.
KAREN
Please. He was a total loser. He even wore shorts to work.
GRACE
Karen, he was a professional tennis player. Of course he wore shorts to work.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
JACK ENTERS, EXCITED.
JACK
You'll never guess what!
WILL
You're a married man with 2 children living in Yonkers. This whole gay thing has been a sham.
JACK
Oh hardy har har. I was in the theatre rehersing 'Just Jac-que.'
WILL
'Just Jac-que?'
JACK
I changed it from 'Just Jack'. I'm thinking global now. The french market is very big for gay men.
WILL
Ah yes. The entent cordiale. Vive la difference, Monsieur Fruit.Plus the Eiffel Tower. I mean how phallic is that?
JACK
Who should walk in the theatre? The Spice Girls!
WILL
Ginger, Scarey, Posh, Sporty and the one no one can remember?
JACK
The one and onlies. They were rehersing for their tour. But here's the best part. They were heading uptown. So was I. They were taking a limo. So was I.
WILL
Jack, a Checker cab doesn't count as a limo.
JACK
So we shared. Then Geri - Ginger spice - needed to pee. I suggested your place.
WILL
Ah yes, Will Truman's apartment. That well known New York pissoir.
JACK
They're on their way up right now!
DOOR OPENS. SPICE GIRLS ENTER.
JACK
Girls, welcome to my humble abode.
WILL
Your humble abode?
WILL
This is Will. He's a civilian, not in the biz like us.
POSH
Nice flat. You've got some really nice objects d'art.
WILL
Thank you, er, Posh.
POSH
Call me Victoria.
SCAREY
Here, Mel. Take a butchers at this picture. It's a bloke with no kecks on. You can see his willy.
GERI
Where's the bog?
WILL
Bog? You mean the Everglades? Well, you take the Interstate--
GERI
The loo.
WILL
Lou Grant? Lou Gehring? Lou Ferrigno?
GERI
The toilet, silly. I need to widdle.
WILL
On the right.
GERI EXITS
WILL
Bog. Widdle. What charming English expressions. I must remember them next time I lunch at Buck palace.
DOOR OPENS. GRACE AND KAREN ENTER.
GRACE
Will, am I dreaming? The Spice girls appear to be in your apartment.
KAREN
Oh honey, I hallucinate stuff like this all the time. Usually there's white elephants and flying dwarves. Later Jackie Onassis appears in blood-stained Chanel and and whips me with dollar bills.
POSH SPICE AND KAREN STARE AT EACH OTHER.
BOTH ARE IN IDENTICAL PENCIL SKIRTS AND FENDI BLOUSES, FERAGAMO SLINGBACKS AND ALICE BANDS HOLD THEIR HAIR BACK.
KAREN
You know, honey, I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I like you.
GERI ENTERS
GERI
Ta, Will. I was bursting. Nice touch the seat being down.
JACK
That was me! That was me!
SCAREY
(TO GRACE) Wow! I think you're the best I've seen.
GRACE
Excuse me?
SCAREY
The hair. The make up. If you got implants you'd be the best drag act ever.
SPICE GIRLS EXIT
GRACE
Whoa! What just happened here?
WILL
Scarey spice appears to think you're a man dressed as a woman.
JACK
Grace is a man? You know, I always thought there was something odd about him.
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.
GRACE AND KAREN AND JACK
PHONE RINGS.
GRACE
Aren't you going to answer that?
KAREN
Answer what, honey?
GRACE PICKS UP PHONE
GRACE
Grace Adler Design. Grace Adler speaking. (BEAT) What? You're cancelling? But where am I going to find another magician? Well I'm sorry, but that's very unprofessional. (HANGS UP)
That was the party magician. He's in hospital. Apparently the doves he keeps stuffed down his pants turned feral. They pecked his pecker.
JACK
Ouch!
GRACE
So I've got no entertainment booked.
JACK
Omigod! I just had an amazing idea. I'll ring my good friends the Spice Girls. They can sing at the party.
GRACE
Jack, that'd be great! That'd really show Rob and Ellen what a great mother I'd make.
JACK
No problemo. Leave it to Jack.
KAREN
Honey, I don't know why you're bothering. When Stan's kids have a birthday I order a crate of Stolly and Rosario does her Gloria Estefan impression.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL, GRACE, ROB AND ELLEN.
THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING.
ELLEN
Grace, any sign of the Spice Girls? Little Alfie says if they're not here soon he'll pee his pants. It's not an idle threat. Believe me.
GRACE
Any minute, Ellen. I'm sure Jack's got it all under control.
WILL
You really think Jack's gonna deliver? This is Jack, Grace. Mr Unreliable.
GRACE
Will, if Jack lets me down he's going straight from gay man to transvestite - without anaesthetic.
DOOR OPENS. KAREN ENTERS.
GRACE Karen? What are you doing here? You hate kids parties. You hate kids.
KAREN
I know, hon. But I had to support my dearest, closest friend.
GRACE
Why, Karen, that's so sweet of---- Wait a second. You heard I was handing out Ritalin, didn't you? You're here to score the kids stash.
KAREN
Why, Grace, I'm hurt. Oh the hell with it. That's right. I'm here for the connection. Waiting for the Man, my ass.
DOOR OPENS. JACK ENTERS. ALONE.
GRACE
Jack, where are the Spice Girls?
JACK
Slight problemo. They're not coming.
WILL
Oh the surprise. The shock.
JACK
Sporty spice had another tattoo. It turned septic. And the others went shopping.
GRACE
Those British bitches! That's the last time I pretend to like their records.
ROB
Don't mean to worry you, but now all the kids say they're gonna pee their pants if the Spice Girls aren't here soon.
GRACE
Will, you know what this means?
WILL
Dozen kids peeing their pants? I think so. I'll get the mops.
GRACE
No. I can't even organise a childrens party. What kind of terrible mother would I make? Perhaps it's just as well I don't have kids.
JACK
Grace, we are not at home to Ms Broody. I've got an idea. Why don't we pretend to be the Spice Girls?
WILL
What?
JACK
I'll be Sporty. Will, you're Scarey. Grace, Ginger - naturally. And Karen, Posh.We'll mime to the CD.
GRACE
Jack, that is the most terribe---
ELLEN
Alfie! Look at the mess you made!
GRACE
--lly good idea. Let's get changed.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
LATER.
THE SHOW'S OVER. WILL, GRACE, JACK AND KAREN FINISH MIMING THE LAST SONG. THE KIDS CHEER.
ELLEN
Right. Who wants jelly?
KIDS
Me!
GRACE (WEARING BASQUE TOP ETC.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
WILL
(BLACKED UP) I'll second that.
KAREN
(DRESSED AS NORMAL) Did someone say who wants Ritalin? Me! Me!
JACK
(IN SPORTS BRA) Well, I thought that went well. Admittedly the choreography wasn't quite up to my usual standards. But that's working with amateurs for you.
GRACE
Went well? Jack, my basque top fell down during 'When 2 become 1'. I exposed myself to everyone. It was so humiliating.
WILL
Especially when little Alfie yelled - 'Hey, no boobies. She's a man.'
GRACE
First Scarey spice, now Little Alfie. I am so getting cosmetic surgery.
WILL
But look at their happy faces, Grace. You did it. The party was a success. You'd make a terrific mom.
GRACE
You really think so? Oh Will. Thank you.
THEY HUG
KAREN
Hold it right there, kids. I'm Federal agent Bigrack, FBI. This is a bust. Hand over all your drugs - now! (HOISTS BREASTS) These are loaded weapons. And I'm not afraid to use 'em.
INT. PARTY.
WILL IS SEATED ON A STOOL READING FROM 'WIND IN THE WILLOWS'. HE'S WEARING A VELVET SMOKING JACKET. THE KIDS ARE SAT CROSS-LEGGED LISTENING TO HIM READ.
WILL
"The Mole had been working very hard all the morning, spring cleaning his little home. First with brooms, then dusters, then on ladders and steps and chairs, with a brush and a pail of whitewash, till he had dust in his throat and eyes, and splashes of whitewash all over his black fur, and an aching back with weary arms..."
CAMERA PANS OVER THE UPTURNED FACES OF THE ENTHRALLED KIDS UNTIL IT REACHES GRACE, KAREN AND JACK, WHO ARE SLUMPED AGAINST EACH OTHER, FAST ASLEEP.
THE END
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