Not At Home to Ms Broody

A Will & Grace fanfic by Pjazz

2004

NOTE This is set sometime during season 1.

INT. GRACE'S APARTMENT.

WILL AND GRACE ARE COMPETING WITH ROB AND ELLEN IN THEIR CHARADES-TYPE CONTEST.

ROB IS UP. HE'S MIMING A CLOCKWORK ORANGE BY HOLDING HIS FIST OUT AND TURNING A PRETEND KEY.

ELLEN

Adventures in Fisting! Adventures in Fisting Part 2! No? Adventures in Fisting Uncut!

WILL

Time's up.

ROB

Ellen, it was A Clockwork Orange. By Kubrick. Where did you get all that 'Adventures in Fisting' stuff?

ELLEN

I, uh, might glimpsed the titles at the video store.

WILL

Don't they keep all the sick stuff behind the counter?

ELLEN

Yeah, but if you crane your neck...

GRACE

Our turn! Will?

WILL

Never gonna happen...

GRACE

My Best Friend's Wedding!

ELLEN

Wow. 3 seconds. Look's like you win. Again. Surprise, surprise.

WILL

We win!

GRACE

You lose!

WILL

We rule!

GRACE

You suck!

ROB

Grace...

GRACE

We're the kings!

WILL

I'm a big queen!

ELLEN

Will...

WILL

We rock!

GRACE

You...don't rock!

ROB

Will, Grace - really not loving the gloating so much.

GRACE

Awww! Mebbe it's because you're - big fat losers!

WILL

What say we do this again Thursday night?

ELLEN

Much as we love the ritual humiliation, no can do.It's my sister's little boy's birthday. Rob and I have agreed to host the party this year.

WILL

In your tiny apartment? Say, as a consolation for losing --

GRACE

Big fat losing!

WILL --why don't you hold the party at my place? There's plenty of room.

ELLEN

Will, are you sure? This is not Pollyanna we're talking here. I love my nephew dearly, but he's Devil's spawn. Green vomit, head spinning - the whole Exorcist bit.

WILL

I'd love to have kids running about the place. It's not as if it's gonna happen too often.

ROB

Certainly not with Grace as a best friend.

THEY ALL LAUGH - EXCEPT GRACE.

GRACE

Excuse me?

ELLEN

Come on, Gracey. You're hardly the maternal type.

GRACE

Ok, what just happened here? You're all basically calling me a dried up barren old maid.

WILL

Well, hardly maid.

ROB

It's nothing, Grace. Forget it.

GRACE

Ok. Totally forgotten. (BEAT) Seriously, you're implying I'm never having kids?

ELLEN

Let's face it, Grace. You're in your 30s now. No man on the horizon...

GRACE

I have men in my life. Just this morning at the deli some guy was checking out my butt.

WILL

(SINGS) Ding dong, the wedding bells are gonna chime!

ELLEN

Tick tock, Grace. The biological clock's ticking.

ROB

Tick tock tick tock tick tock.

GRACE

Will you stop tick tocking me! My biological clock is gonna keep right on ticking, as long as it takes. Even I have to stuff myself full of monkey glands at 50. When I meet the right guy my uterus is gonna spit out babies like buckshot out a 12 gauge.

WILL

What a charming mental image.

GRACE

In fact, I'll help Will host your nephew's birthday party. I'll show you. Kids instinctively respond to my maternal side.

WILL

It must be your huge child-bearing hips.

GRACE

Hey, can I help it if I'm a perfect size 4?

WILL

Not if you're actually an imperfect size 8.

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.

WILL AND GRACE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE, PLANS LAID OUT BEFORE THEM.

THEY'RE PLANNING THE BIRTHDAY PARTY - VERY SERIOUSLY.

WILL

Item one, catering.

GRACE

All organized. We're using Weinbaum's Party Catering. They did my cousin Ira's barmitzvah.

WILL

Oy vey. I guess hot dogs are off the menu.

GRACE

Item two, origami place settings in the shape of an elephant.

WILL

I still say they look like an improbably endowed fat man playing with himself.

GRACE

Item three, emergency sick bags.

WILL

Airline issue.Pack of 50. Check.

GRACE

Item four, what colour party balloons? Moschino or indigo-azure?

WILL

Moschino or indigo-azure? Don't you mean red or blue?

GRACE

Will, I'm a designer. There is no red or blue.

WILL

Red balloons.

GRACE

Moshino it is. Item five, Ritalin. Do we dose their food or their lemonade?

WILL

Do we have to use personality altering drugs at all? It seems, I don't know - insane.

GRACE

Will, I love kids as much as the next person. But I'm damned if a bunch of hyper active brats are going to run riot and ruin my party. I want them docile, preferrably comatose.
WILL

It just seems...

GRACE

Get over it. Item six, entertainment. Clown or magician?

WILL

How about instead I sit in a chair in the centre of the room, the kids all sit cross-legged around me, listening enthralled as I read extracts from 'Wind in the Willows'.

GRACE

Sounds great.

WILL

Really?

GRACE

Sure - in Victorian London!

WILL

What's wrong with reading? Kenneth Graham's 'Wind in the Willows' is a classic children's novel.

GRACE

Will, my big gay doozer head friend, this is the X-Box generation. They don't read. They're not interested in dumb old Mr Toad.

WILL

Oh so a hedgehog called Sonic who spins on his spiny little ass is fine, but a talking toad is beyond them?

GRACE

Exactly.

WILL

C'mon, Grace, can't you picture the scene? The children in a tight circle facing me in my smoking jacket, reading ---

GRACE

Since when d'you own a smoking jacket?

WILL

I could rent one.

GRACE

Oh please, Noel Coward, get real. Clown or magician?

WILL

(SULKS) Don't care.

GRACE

(SIGHS) Remind me to include you a dose of Ritalin.

INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.

GRACE AND KAREN.

GRACE IS ON THE PHONE.

GRACE

Yes, I'd like to order 100 moschino balloons. (BEAT) Moschino. Yes, it's a word. (BEAT) It is too a word. (BEAT) Listen, can I speak to someone more senior, someone more...intelligent. (BEAT) You're the president of the company? And you don't know what moschino means? (BEAT) No, I didn't make the word up. (SIGHS) Do you have any red balloons? 100. (BEAT) I did say so in the first place! (HANGS UP) Ignoramous!

KAREN

Throwing a party, hon? Having a little shindig? A chance to kick out the jams, let your hair down and party hardie?

GRACE

IT's a kids birthday party, Karen, not a 60s head shop. What are you doing over there?

KAREN

I'm counting my happy pills, hon. Sometimes just counting them gives me a happy. I've blue pills, white pills, yellow pills - even moschino pills. Oh, I just made a funny! Have to write that down in my little moschino book.

JACK ENTERS. VERY HYPER.

JACK

Omigodomigodomigodomigod. O-MI-GOD!!!

KAREN

What is it, honey? Did the Pope come out of the closet?

JACK

I was in Ralph Lauren's checking out the new Polo collection. - By the way, cashmere to die for - When who should walk in the door? James Van der Beek!

KAREN

The hottie from 'The Creek'!

JACK

Exacti-mundi-mundo! The Beek from the Creek. The Bee from the Cee. The hottie with the lottie.

KAREN

What'd you do, hon? Did you hop on board and ride him like a wild stallion?

JACK

Not quite.

KAREN

Did you grab him by the scruff of the neck, mount him bare back and kick your heels in his sides till he yelped like a girl?

JACK

Karen...

KAREN

Did you ride him at full gallop until you were both drenched in sweat and popped like warm champagne?

JACK

Jesus, Karen. Will you let me finish?

KAREN

No, you let me finish. Oh! Oh! Oh! OHHHHHHH! All done. Your turn.

JACK

I didn't want to appear an easy sell. So I played it cool. I threw myself at his feet and yelled 'Take me, James Van der Beek! I'm yours!'

GRACE

Oh that was playing it cool alright.

KAREN

What happened next? Did he ride you like a wild stall---

GRACE

Please, Karen. Stop. I beg you.

JACK

Security picked me up and threw me out on the street. But I was this close to doing James van der Beek.

GRACE

How was that close? You made a fool of yourself and got slung out.

KAREN

Oh please, Grace. It was closer to sex than you've managed in a month.

GRACE

I've had my moments. There was Jeff, from Forest Hills.

KAREN

Please. He was a total loser. He even wore shorts to work.

GRACE

Karen, he was a professional tennis player. Of course he wore shorts to work.

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.

JACK ENTERS, EXCITED.

JACK

You'll never guess what!

WILL

You're a married man with 2 children living in Yonkers. This whole gay thing has been a sham.

JACK

Oh hardy har har. I was in the theatre rehersing 'Just Jac-que.'

WILL

'Just Jac-que?'

JACK

I changed it from 'Just Jack'. I'm thinking global now. The french market is very big for gay men.

WILL

Ah yes. The entent cordiale. Vive la difference, Monsieur Fruit.Plus the Eiffel Tower. I mean how phallic is that?

JACK

Who should walk in the theatre? The Spice Girls!

WILL

Ginger, Scarey, Posh, Sporty and the one no one can remember?

JACK

The one and onlies. They were rehersing for their tour. But here's the best part. They were heading uptown. So was I. They were taking a limo. So was I.

WILL

Jack, a Checker cab doesn't count as a limo.

JACK

So we shared. Then Geri - Ginger spice - needed to pee. I suggested your place.

WILL

Ah yes, Will Truman's apartment. That well known New York pissoir.

JACK

They're on their way up right now!

DOOR OPENS. SPICE GIRLS ENTER.

JACK

Girls, welcome to my humble abode.

WILL

Your humble abode?

WILL

This is Will. He's a civilian, not in the biz like us.

POSH

Nice flat. You've got some really nice objects d'art.

WILL

Thank you, er, Posh.

POSH

Call me Victoria.

SCAREY

Here, Mel. Take a butchers at this picture. It's a bloke with no kecks on. You can see his willy.

GERI

Where's the bog?

WILL

Bog? You mean the Everglades? Well, you take the Interstate--

GERI

The loo.

WILL

Lou Grant? Lou Gehring? Lou Ferrigno?

GERI

The toilet, silly. I need to widdle.

WILL

On the right.

GERI EXITS

WILL

Bog. Widdle. What charming English expressions. I must remember them next time I lunch at Buck palace.

DOOR OPENS. GRACE AND KAREN ENTER.

GRACE

Will, am I dreaming? The Spice girls appear to be in your apartment.

KAREN

Oh honey, I hallucinate stuff like this all the time. Usually there's white elephants and flying dwarves. Later Jackie Onassis appears in blood-stained Chanel and and whips me with dollar bills.

POSH SPICE AND KAREN STARE AT EACH OTHER.

BOTH ARE IN IDENTICAL PENCIL SKIRTS AND FENDI BLOUSES, FERAGAMO SLINGBACKS AND ALICE BANDS HOLD THEIR HAIR BACK.

KAREN

You know, honey, I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I like you.

GERI ENTERS

GERI

Ta, Will. I was bursting. Nice touch the seat being down.

JACK

That was me! That was me!

SCAREY

(TO GRACE) Wow! I think you're the best I've seen.

GRACE

Excuse me?

SCAREY

The hair. The make up. If you got implants you'd be the best drag act ever.

SPICE GIRLS EXIT

GRACE

Whoa! What just happened here?

WILL

Scarey spice appears to think you're a man dressed as a woman.

JACK

Grace is a man? You know, I always thought there was something odd about him.

INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.

GRACE AND KAREN AND JACK

PHONE RINGS.

GRACE

Aren't you going to answer that?

KAREN

Answer what, honey?

GRACE PICKS UP PHONE

GRACE

Grace Adler Design. Grace Adler speaking. (BEAT) What? You're cancelling? But where am I going to find another magician? Well I'm sorry, but that's very unprofessional. (HANGS UP)

That was the party magician. He's in hospital. Apparently the doves he keeps stuffed down his pants turned feral. They pecked his pecker.

JACK

Ouch!

GRACE

So I've got no entertainment booked.

JACK

Omigod! I just had an amazing idea. I'll ring my good friends the Spice Girls. They can sing at the party.

GRACE

Jack, that'd be great! That'd really show Rob and Ellen what a great mother I'd make.

JACK

No problemo. Leave it to Jack.

KAREN

Honey, I don't know why you're bothering. When Stan's kids have a birthday I order a crate of Stolly and Rosario does her Gloria Estefan impression.

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.

WILL, GRACE, ROB AND ELLEN.

THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING.

ELLEN

Grace, any sign of the Spice Girls? Little Alfie says if they're not here soon he'll pee his pants. It's not an idle threat. Believe me.

GRACE

Any minute, Ellen. I'm sure Jack's got it all under control.

WILL

You really think Jack's gonna deliver? This is Jack, Grace. Mr Unreliable.

GRACE

Will, if Jack lets me down he's going straight from gay man to transvestite - without anaesthetic.

DOOR OPENS. KAREN ENTERS.

GRACE Karen? What are you doing here? You hate kids parties. You hate kids.

KAREN

I know, hon. But I had to support my dearest, closest friend.

GRACE

Why, Karen, that's so sweet of---- Wait a second. You heard I was handing out Ritalin, didn't you? You're here to score the kids stash.

KAREN

Why, Grace, I'm hurt. Oh the hell with it. That's right. I'm here for the connection. Waiting for the Man, my ass.

DOOR OPENS. JACK ENTERS. ALONE.

GRACE

Jack, where are the Spice Girls?

JACK

Slight problemo. They're not coming.

WILL

Oh the surprise. The shock.

JACK

Sporty spice had another tattoo. It turned septic. And the others went shopping.

GRACE

Those British bitches! That's the last time I pretend to like their records.

ROB

Don't mean to worry you, but now all the kids say they're gonna pee their pants if the Spice Girls aren't here soon.

GRACE

Will, you know what this means?

WILL

Dozen kids peeing their pants? I think so. I'll get the mops.

GRACE

No. I can't even organise a childrens party. What kind of terrible mother would I make? Perhaps it's just as well I don't have kids.

JACK

Grace, we are not at home to Ms Broody. I've got an idea. Why don't we pretend to be the Spice Girls?

WILL

What?

JACK

I'll be Sporty. Will, you're Scarey. Grace, Ginger - naturally. And Karen, Posh.We'll mime to the CD.

GRACE

Jack, that is the most terribe---

ELLEN

Alfie! Look at the mess you made!

GRACE

--lly good idea. Let's get changed.

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.

LATER.

THE SHOW'S OVER. WILL, GRACE, JACK AND KAREN FINISH MIMING THE LAST SONG. THE KIDS CHEER.

ELLEN

Right. Who wants jelly?

KIDS

Me!

GRACE (WEARING BASQUE TOP ETC.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

WILL

(BLACKED UP) I'll second that.

KAREN

(DRESSED AS NORMAL) Did someone say who wants Ritalin? Me! Me!

JACK

(IN SPORTS BRA) Well, I thought that went well. Admittedly the choreography wasn't quite up to my usual standards. But that's working with amateurs for you.

GRACE

Went well? Jack, my basque top fell down during 'When 2 become 1'. I exposed myself to everyone. It was so humiliating.

WILL

Especially when little Alfie yelled - 'Hey, no boobies. She's a man.'

GRACE

First Scarey spice, now Little Alfie. I am so getting cosmetic surgery.

WILL

But look at their happy faces, Grace. You did it. The party was a success. You'd make a terrific mom.

GRACE

You really think so? Oh Will. Thank you.

THEY HUG

KAREN

Hold it right there, kids. I'm Federal agent Bigrack, FBI. This is a bust. Hand over all your drugs - now! (HOISTS BREASTS) These are loaded weapons. And I'm not afraid to use 'em.

INT. PARTY.

WILL IS SEATED ON A STOOL READING FROM 'WIND IN THE WILLOWS'. HE'S WEARING A VELVET SMOKING JACKET. THE KIDS ARE SAT CROSS-LEGGED LISTENING TO HIM READ.

WILL

"The Mole had been working very hard all the morning, spring cleaning his little home. First with brooms, then dusters, then on ladders and steps and chairs, with a brush and a pail of whitewash, till he had dust in his throat and eyes, and splashes of whitewash all over his black fur, and an aching back with weary arms..."

CAMERA PANS OVER THE UPTURNED FACES OF THE ENTHRALLED KIDS UNTIL IT REACHES GRACE, KAREN AND JACK, WHO ARE SLUMPED AGAINST EACH OTHER, FAST ASLEEP.

THE END

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