SeeD's Wacky Races
Part Two
TRY NEW SUPER-CRUNCHY GALBADI-Os! NOW WITH EVEN MORE FIBER!
"AND WE'RE BACK!" Irvine shouted perhaps a little too enthusiastically. "Sorry, folks. I get excited about these Wacky Races, as I'm sure you already know. We have an incredible three-way race for first place right now! Let's check it out! Rinoa, what have you got for us?"
"A lot, Irvine," said Rinoa. "As we turn into the third and final leg of the race, we can see that the double canyon jump is coming up! Let's see how our current leader, the Disciplinary Dynamo, handles this obstacle!"
The camera focused in on Seifer, leaning out of the back of the Dynamo, aiming his gunblade at the closely-following Dog-o-matic Wonder. Seifer took two shots, then noticed that his camera was active. "Err, um, just trying to shoot some pesky Geezars that were chasing us," he said swiftly.
"SEIFER, CORRECT," said Fujin quickly. "OTHER RACERS. NOT SHOOTING. AT."
"Hey, I didn't see nothing, ya know?" said Raijin from the driver's seat. "I've been driving this whole time."
The camera left the Disciplinary Dynamo and looked in on the current third-place team, the Supporting Casters. "These people may not have played too important of a role in the last Sorceress conflict," Rinoa told the audience, "but they still have their place, and right now, they're in third! Let's meet our lesser-known team!"
The Supporting Caster's car was very nondescript. In fact, it was nearly indistinguishable from any other normal car. Nida sat confidently in the driver's seat, while Ma Dincht sat to his right, preparing a picnic lunch for her fellow racers. The Master Fisherman from Fisherman's Horizon was busy, sitting backwards in the back seat, fishing into a large bucket full of water that sat in the trunk.
"I never really thought about it before," said Nida, "but I think maybe this is my whole purpose in life. Driving, I mean. What I'm saying is, I feel at home here, just like when I'm piloting the Garden."
"Keep it down up there!" ordered the Master Fisherman from his rear view. "I'm trying to fish! You kids nowadays just don't get it, what it means to feel that first tug on a line..." The fisherman's cork bobbed with the motion of the car, but not with any influence from a fish, of which it seemed there were none in the bucket. "Not a bite all day," he lamented.
"Sandwiches are ready!" said Ma Dincht, handing the grumpy fisherman one of three food items.
"Dadburn it," said the Master Fisherman, "not tuna AGAIN! Don't you think I get enough of that at home?"
"You'd better eat it all, or there'll be no dessert," warned the matronly woman. "Do you want yours now, Nida, darling?"
"No, thank you, Mrs. Dincht," Nida answered politely. "I think we ought to finish the race before we have lunch."
"You're such a nice boy," said Ma Dincht. "Little Zellykins could learn a few things about manners from you."
Rinoa broke in. "And we're coming up on the jump now, everyone. Let's see how our first-place car handles it..."
Seifer stood up in the backseat of the Disciplinary Dynamo. "Just like we practiced. All together, now!" All three team members released their stocked para-magic in unison, floating the chrome-plated car over the gap. The jump was not an impossible one, but certainly very dangerous. A pair of ethereal wings sprouted from the car's back, hefting it gently over the canyon.
Neither Seifer nor his posse noticed the thin fishing line swoop towards their back bumper. A silvery hook latched onto the Disciplinary team's car as the Master Fisherman helped his own racing squad over the chasm. The Supporting Casters hitched a ride on Seifer's floating magic, sailing with ease over the Dollet canyon. While the Dynamo soared for hundreds of yards after completing the run, Nida and company landed rather noisily on the roadway behind Seifer.
"Dang!" said the red-haired SeeD cadet. "They piggybacked on us!"
"MATTERS, NOT," said Fujin.
"Yeah, like, we're gonna win the race anyway, ya know?" Raijin agreed.
"Uh-oh!" said Irvine. "Looks like the Dog-o-matic Wonder is having some trouble with its jump!"
The camera panned backwards to the canyon jump, showing the hot dog-themed vehicle go sailing over the gap in a vaguely obscene manner. The sausage-shaped racer started wobbling in mid-air, then turned over upside-down and landed head-first on the road, sliding forward almost half a mile before slowing to a halt. The driver's side door was pounded a few times, then forced open.
Quistis climbed slowly out the wreckage, coughing. "Well, that could have been worse, I suppose. At least we're not dead or anything. Zell, are you okay in there? What's going on?"
"Be out in a second!" called Zell.
Quistis dusted herself off, then started tapping her foot as she waited for her fellow SeeD. "What's taking so long?"
"Done!" Zell shouted, crawling out of the remains of the Dog-o-matic Wonder. The boisterous blond SeeD had difficulty getting out of the wreck, as his arms were both holding the leftover hot dogs tightly to his chest. "Never leave a man behind," he explained. He set the hot dogs on top of the ruined vehicle. "Looks like we've got a while," Zell said, and began shoving hot dogs into his mouth, one after another.
"Okay," Quistis agreed, and attempted to eat some herself, although she had but a pittance compared to Zell, who was guarding his stash vigorously.
"We have our fourth place racer coming up on the canyon now," said Irvine to the camera, then thought about that a bit. "I guess in just a few minutes, it will probably be in third place, now, won't it?"
"You got it, Irvine," Rinoa said from her spot on the ground. "Piloting this sleek vehicle is a man, who, in my humble opinion, is the handsomest driver in the whole race-"
"Not that she's biased or anything," interrupted Irvine. "Besides, I'm not a racer."
"-as I was saying, making the jump next is the absolutely gorgeous Squallmobile!"
"That's right," Squall affirmed from the driver's seat of his black convertible. In fact, the car seemed to have been modeled after Squall's signature wardrobe. The camera took a long, lingering sweep of the black car's exterior, including the two leather straps that criss-crossed the hood and the ruffled white "faux" fur that poked out the top of the backseat. "Don't blame me," Squall said as the camera centered back on him. "I didn't design the car."
"That was me!" a cheery voice proudly stated from Squall's right. Selphie was tapping her hands rhythmically on the dashboard in time with a song playing over the radio. "I figured if we're going to have a race car, why not make it all pretty?"
"And her clothes just wouldn't do," Squall added sarcastically. "'Oh, Squall'," he mimicked, "'your color scheme is SO, like, cool! Yellow is totally yesterday!'"
"Oh, shut up!" Selphie told him, punching him lightly in the shoulder. "He really likes it," she told the audience confidentially. "He just doesn't want anyone else to know."
Squall grunted, upshifting as he turned around the final corner before the jump. As the Squallmobile got closer to the edge, he popped open a concealing panel on the dashboard. "Now, MY additions to the car, those are cool." He punched a blue-colored button in the secret compartment. A piston-powered spring hefted the Squallmobile airborne, and the sleek vehicle soared over the Dollet Canyon. "We've got cool features galore on this baby," Squall bragged. "Good looks or not, it's what's under the hood that counts."
"Are you coming on to me?" Selphie asked, cocking her head at her commander.
Squall looked a bit flustered. "What? No, I-uurraagh!"
"Rac-ing, Rac-ing," Selphie sang from the passenger's seat, unconcerned by Squall's discomfort.
Squall shook his head mildly, keeping his eyes on the road. "I still don't know how I ended up with her as my teammate."
The camera follwoed the Squallmobile for a couple more seconds, then switched back to the near side of the jump. The Sorceress Special levitated over the canyon, then kept on levitating after it had crossed the gap. "Well," Irvine said, "I guess Sorceress Edea is using her innate magical abilities to keep her car in the air. That's one way to save wear and tear on your tires! But where is the Go, Go, Galbadia? Our intrepid friends Wedge and Biggs have yet to make their canyon jump!"
The camera waited, focused in on the same spot for a few moments as Irvine studied the situation from his control room high above the racing ground. Irvine was silent for a while, then said, "Okay, well, I see we have a heated finish coming up, so let's check out the action as our racers head into the final stretch!"
Seifer made no pretense about shooting at the other cars this time, firing several bullets from his gunblade at the second and third-place racers. Nida was trying to move the Supporting Casters out of the line of fire, while Selphie was throwing all kinds of offensive para-magic back at the Disciplinary Dynamo.
From his vehicle, Squall pushed another button on his special control panel, sending a bunch of popcorn scattering from the back of the Squallmobile. "Oops," Squall said. "Pressed the wrong button." He punched another one, which caused a large cream pie to be launched from the front of his car. The pie sailed upward, finally landing on Raijin's face. The Disciplinary Dynamo spun out of control, with the unanticipated side effect of crashing into the Squallmobile. Both cars skittered to a stop on the left side of the road.
"You've done it now, puberty-boy!" Seifer accused from his car. "Because of you, we're both going to lose."
Squall kept silent for a few moments. "...shove it."
Irvine broke into the scene. "And the Supporting Casters have won it all! We have a winner, folks! Whatever racer recovers first will be our runner-up today, and the other one will...no, wait! It looks like there's a dark horse coming up to steal second!" The Sorceress Supreme, still floating, crossed the finish line next, then took its place on the winners' circle.
"No way am I giving up third!" Seifer leapt out of the Disciplinary Dynamo and, using his strength Junction, heaved the car over his head and carried it across the finish line.
"And there are today's top three!" Irvine said with excitement as he dominated the screen once again. "And-what's that?" He listened to the feed from his earphone. "It seems that the Go, Go, Galbadia has finally caught up to the canyon jump, so let's take a look at how Biggs and Wedge handle the hurdle!"
The Go, Go, Galbadia chugged forward, seemingly going ever slower as it approached the small ramp. When it got about halfway up, it sputtered to a stop, then began rolling back downhill. Biggs bounded out of the car and began kicking the side of the car. "Not AGAIN!" he shouted. "You stupid, worthless, unreliable..."
"Sir, please stop kicking the car, sir!" Wedge said, hopping out of the passenger's seat.
"I hate everything made in Galbadia!" Biggs yelled. "Nothing but crap, all of it! Why can't our government make one, single piece of equipment that actually does what it's supposed to?!"
Wedge gulped. "Sir, we are on TV, sir!"
Biggs turned around, seeing the red light on the camera. "Um, what I meant to say is, um, I love Galb-"
The scene shifted. "Here are today's winners!" Irvine said proudly. "In first: the Supporting Casters!" Nida, Ma Dincht, and the Master Fisherman waved from the center podium. "In second: the Sorceress Supreme!" Edea looked smug as she and Cid held up their second place trophy. "And in third: the Disciplinary Dynamo!" Seifer and the posse appeared very self-satisfied even though the win had been taken away from them.
"That's it for now, boys and girls!" Irvine said. "But get ready! Soon enough you'll be able to see another one of SeeD's Wacky Races!"
There we are! Drop me a review and let me know what you think! Or, you could check out (and hopefully, review) some of my other works like "My Friend Zell," "The ALL-NEW Final Fantasy 8 Adventures," and "A Christmas Shave." A little early for Xmas, but it'll help ease you into that holiday spirit! See ya next time!
