O'Neill was feeling insecure. The wind was howling and he was afraid that damn wall
that he had finally finished would come crashing down around them. He was afraid that
the food supply would not be adequate, that it would get so cold that they couldn't thaw
enough drinking water never mind freeze to death. He was afraid that due to his inability
to manage everything, even the things beyond his control that he would fail Carter, fail
his team, fail Hammond, fail himself. It must have been that god damn bag pipe music
he had listening to. Some of it was war like and he rather liked that but the sad stuff, it
tore at his soul. He was afraid, too, that he'd never get he chance at a normal life. Well
that was a joke, here he was on a planet god knows how many light years from Earth and
he was wondering about a normal life. You know the kind, 2 kids and a wife that tolerate
you, and a dog that worships the ground you walk on. He had trouble sleeping. With all
the physical problems this planet presented and the mental torment to boot there was the
torment of having her so close and yet inaccessible. She was under his command. If he
could ignore the regs. would she? But aside from that there was Pete, maybe. Son of a
bitch, how did life get so fucking complicated? O'Neill had no right to even desire her
so he set his mind to other things. This brought him back to the howling wind and the
wall he broke his back to build.
Carter was feeling insecure. The howling wind had unnerved her. She was feeling insecure as a scientist and as a woman. She thought about her inability compensate for the impending Supernova and safely engage the gate, and consequently about her hand in the preparations for their stay here. She went over the calculations of the day length, the seasonal variation, the humidity and precipitation expectations, the temperature fluctuations and the myriad of factor that she could only guess at. If she had screwed up, she and O'Neill could be sitting in their graves right now waiting to die. She thought about the first time she and O'Neill faced that prospect and how he sent her off with all the supplies to make her way to safety while he lay dying. It brought tears to her eyes and feelings of utterly hopeless in this situation. She wondered if they we doomed to survive here on their own, would he fine her desirable. Sure there had been lots of flirting and even some major sparkage but what did he feel now. She had cast him aside for Pete. But she knew Pete was no O'Neill, couldn't hold a candle to him. In her floundering to get a life she hurt him. But was it love. Was it reciprocated? Was it the real thing? Could she salvage it or was it too late? Could he forgive or forget Pete? She had seen O'Neill carry a grudge and maybe Pete would be the unforgivable sin. And even if he forgave and forgot, they were still here. Would they both die here, so close to one another and yet so far. Held together and apart by duty and honor. She started to sob. Why couldn't she hold it together? When had she become this emotional basket case? She was an officer in the Air Force, a god damn Major – what was with the damn tears?
O'Neill, who had been tossing and turning, tried to ignore her. Not in an uncaring way but trying to give her some privacy, he thought her mind was traveling along the same path of fear and insecurities his had this night. The harded she tried to hold it in the fiercer it welled within her. And after a racking sob he turned over and drew her to him, he held her.
"Everything will be alright. We'll get out of this. You have to believe"
He was trying desperately to believe this himself.
She had heard those words before.
"You know your dad will come. He might leave my sorry ass behind but not you, never you. You know you can count on him."
He held her until the hopelessness past and the promise of rescue and their survival until then seemed like a definite possibility. The warmth of his arms and the nearness of his body gave her hope for their future even if this was their final home. She knew even if he didn't forgive her indiscretion with Pete when push came to shove she could always count on O'Neill.
The warmth of her in his arms gave him hope for the future. If only she could get past Pete and let him have a chance. But why should he expect her to give up a life in the here and now (well maybe not exactly here or now) for some hope of a future for them. Wouldn't it be sweet if when they got back Anubis and all his buddies were pushing up daisies? He could retire, throw her over his shoulder and go fishing. The very though of Carter allowing the caveman routine made him laugh.
"What's so funny?"
"Do you want to go fishing?"
"You have no idea."
"No. I mean chuck it all and go…"
"With you"
"Yeah, who'd ya think?"
"What about Anubis?"
"Christ, Carter, I've got some pretty stiff competition."
"You know what I mean."
"Don't you think they've kicked his sorry butt yet?"
"Probably waiting for you, Sir"
"You didn't answer my question."
"When this mess is over"
"What if it's never over?"
They both lay awake for hours. He kept his arm around her shoulder, both drawing strength from one another.
Carter was feeling insecure. The howling wind had unnerved her. She was feeling insecure as a scientist and as a woman. She thought about her inability compensate for the impending Supernova and safely engage the gate, and consequently about her hand in the preparations for their stay here. She went over the calculations of the day length, the seasonal variation, the humidity and precipitation expectations, the temperature fluctuations and the myriad of factor that she could only guess at. If she had screwed up, she and O'Neill could be sitting in their graves right now waiting to die. She thought about the first time she and O'Neill faced that prospect and how he sent her off with all the supplies to make her way to safety while he lay dying. It brought tears to her eyes and feelings of utterly hopeless in this situation. She wondered if they we doomed to survive here on their own, would he fine her desirable. Sure there had been lots of flirting and even some major sparkage but what did he feel now. She had cast him aside for Pete. But she knew Pete was no O'Neill, couldn't hold a candle to him. In her floundering to get a life she hurt him. But was it love. Was it reciprocated? Was it the real thing? Could she salvage it or was it too late? Could he forgive or forget Pete? She had seen O'Neill carry a grudge and maybe Pete would be the unforgivable sin. And even if he forgave and forgot, they were still here. Would they both die here, so close to one another and yet so far. Held together and apart by duty and honor. She started to sob. Why couldn't she hold it together? When had she become this emotional basket case? She was an officer in the Air Force, a god damn Major – what was with the damn tears?
O'Neill, who had been tossing and turning, tried to ignore her. Not in an uncaring way but trying to give her some privacy, he thought her mind was traveling along the same path of fear and insecurities his had this night. The harded she tried to hold it in the fiercer it welled within her. And after a racking sob he turned over and drew her to him, he held her.
"Everything will be alright. We'll get out of this. You have to believe"
He was trying desperately to believe this himself.
She had heard those words before.
"You know your dad will come. He might leave my sorry ass behind but not you, never you. You know you can count on him."
He held her until the hopelessness past and the promise of rescue and their survival until then seemed like a definite possibility. The warmth of his arms and the nearness of his body gave her hope for their future even if this was their final home. She knew even if he didn't forgive her indiscretion with Pete when push came to shove she could always count on O'Neill.
The warmth of her in his arms gave him hope for the future. If only she could get past Pete and let him have a chance. But why should he expect her to give up a life in the here and now (well maybe not exactly here or now) for some hope of a future for them. Wouldn't it be sweet if when they got back Anubis and all his buddies were pushing up daisies? He could retire, throw her over his shoulder and go fishing. The very though of Carter allowing the caveman routine made him laugh.
"What's so funny?"
"Do you want to go fishing?"
"You have no idea."
"No. I mean chuck it all and go…"
"With you"
"Yeah, who'd ya think?"
"What about Anubis?"
"Christ, Carter, I've got some pretty stiff competition."
"You know what I mean."
"Don't you think they've kicked his sorry butt yet?"
"Probably waiting for you, Sir"
"You didn't answer my question."
"When this mess is over"
"What if it's never over?"
They both lay awake for hours. He kept his arm around her shoulder, both drawing strength from one another.
