Here it is, kids, last chapter. -beams- Sorry this took so long to get out. For those of you who don't know, I live in Louisiana, and my parents and I evacuated, so I had no computer. BUT! School is canceled until Monday, so I have time to work on it! YAY! Next will probably be Snittery pr0n for Lute, since I owe it to her, followed by another one-shot that I've been working on, followed by Angelsight. Standing Ovation is on hold until I retrieve my profiles, since the NJL forum where they were being held has died (p.s: Rachelily and B, I really only need profiles from Kay and Blunder. I know that Kay was totally made up on the spot, but I'm hoping you still have Blunder, B). Moving on!
Disclaimers: "I've got your fuckin' Newsies, bitch! Why don't you come find it? Stupid fuckin' heavy thing!" (/Blood Drips) Ahem. Sita does not own Newsies. -cheesy smile-
Warnings: Language, slash
Failing Jesus
Chapter Four: The Jury Has Reached a Verdict
"Wakey, wakey!"
I woke up abruptly when Snitch chucked a half-eaten Pop-Tart at my head.
"Ow! Snitch, you freak!"
"Quiet, you love me. It's seven-thirty! Time to get up for breakfast!"
"I've still got a half an hour! Fuck off!"
"I suddenly have a craving for funnel cake... and why is the sun up?" Skittery mumbled irritably. He struggled into a sitting position and blinked sleepily. "There should be less sun and more funnel cake."
"Cornflakes will have to do. Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!" I yawned, reluctantly rolled out of bed, and began to pull on a pair of jeans and Goonies T-shirt.
"How is it that you're so freakin' hyper?"
"I ate four packs of Kit-Kats last night. Come on, you guys!" Snitch bounced around the room, beaming at Skitts and me.
"We can't go yet," Skittery muttered, yawning. "Race is in the shower."
Suddenly, without warning, the memory of what had happened last night washed over me like a tidal wave.
Racetrack had kissed me. More importantly, I'd kissed him back.
Well. I definitely never thought my first kiss would be on retreat. Then again, I never thought it would be with a boy, either.
Okay, calm down. No need to panic. After all, he said he'd give me time to think about everything. Good. I needed that time.
God, everything had seemed so much simpler last night. Last night, my entire world had been narrowed down to, "he's kissing me. I like it. Okay." But everything had changed. All of a sudden, I found myself wondering what my parents would think, what my other friends would think, what God would think. I mean, I know I said all that shit about people making up this crap about being gay, but I'd just been talking out of my ass. It's a lot easier to say stuff like that when it doesn't apply to you.
Who was I to say what God had said and didn't say? I may not be the best Catholic in the world, but I do believe in God, and I think He's a pretty good guy. So I don't want to screw around with Him too much. I don't want to... I don't know, fail Jesus or anything.
But I mean... I'd liked it. It felt right. And not just the kissing part, either. Just talking with him, being around him, cracking moronic jokes with him, everything I did with him just seemed so completely unconstrained. I didn't feel like I had to force myself to act a certain way around him.
But still...
I hadn't even noticed that Snitch and Skittery were staring at me until the bathroom door flew open. I blinked, collapsed back into the real world, and glanced up to see the identical confused, slightly worried looks on their faces. Racetrack, oblivious to the temporary vacation that my brain had taken, sauntered out of the bathroom in a pair of baggy jeans and an "I Race Lawn Mowers" T-shirt, still scrubbing at his damp hair with a towel.
"Morning, freaks," he said cheerfully as he tossed the towel carelessly back into the bathroom. He glanced over at me and flashed me a grin, which I half-heartedly returned. Race raised an eyebrow. "You okay?"
"Yeah. Um... I'm going to breakfast. See you guys there."
"Well, do you want me to walk with you?"
"Uh... no, really, you don't have to."
I walked outside as quickly as I could, but I still saw his face fall.
And I felt like an absolute, complete, and total shithead.
-----
Breakfast passed just as awkwardly as dinner had. I could feel Racetrack staring at me from across the table, but I didn't look at him. I couldn't. I didn't exactly know what I'd see if I met his eyes, but I figured that it would probably be a combination of confusion, hurt, and anger, none of which I was particularly good at dealing with.
So I focused on my miniature box of Cornflakes and my under-cooked eggs while Snitch and Skittery exchanged glances and tried to force small talk.
Mass wasn't much better. Despite Snitch's best efforts to cheer me up ("look!" he yelled as he swatted at a lovebug with his retreat program. "It's bug baseball!"), I trudged towards the tiny, open-air chapel with my eyes trained on the floor. Race walked a few feet to the right of me, his hands shoved in his pockets. He was making an effort to look anywhere except at me, but I could feel him watching me every now and then.
I stared straight at the priest for the entire hour that I was in the chapel. It was like I had blinders on either side of my head. I didn't want to look at Racetrack, because I didn't want to deal with all of the crap that was swishing around my brain. But, I didn't want to look at Skittery and Snitch either, because I knew that they'd both flash me their patented "tell me what the hell is going on now, bitch" looks. So, I stared straight ahead.
I made up some bullshit excuse about being overheated to get outside right before the Our Father.
I was planning on hiding out in the snack room during the hour break that we had in between mass and lunch, but Skittery found me in the bathroom. And when I say, "found me," I mean he dragged me out of the snack room by my sleeve, pushed me into the bathroom, and then locked the door.
"You and Race. What the hell is going on?"
I stared at him for a few seconds, then sighed and rested my head against one of the stall doors.
"You know, in retrospect, this is your fault," I muttered.
"How can any of this be my fault when I don't know what's going on?!"
"If you and Snitch hadn't been fucking last night-"
"Hey, we didn't fuck! We just... gave each other blowjobs..."
"... fine. If you and Snitch hadn't been blowing each other last night, I wouldn't have had to go outside, and Race wouldn't have been there, and he wouldn't have kissed me, and I wouldn't-"
"RACE KISSED YOU?!"
"Let's scream it a little louder, why don't we?"
"RACE KISSED YOU?!"
"You stupid fuck, shut up!"
Skittery stared at me, wide-eyed. I think he tried to say something for a few seconds, but all that came out were a few random, squeaky noises, and those didn't really count.
Finally, he managed actual words.
"But... you're straight!"
I sighed. "I thought I was."
"Well... did you, you know, like it?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Blink, my friend, when you make out with boys and like it, I think that classifies you as a true, blue homo."
"You are so not helping."
Skittery shrugged. "Sorry. But if you liked it, why are you avoiding him? He's really upset."
I plopped down onto the cold, blue, tile floor and sighed again, trying to ignore the beginnings of an insane headache. "I know, Skitts. But, like... I just don't know if I can do this."
"Do what?"
"Be gay."
Skittery laughed and shook his head. "Blink, I know from personal experience that you don't exactly have a say in the matter. If you're gay, you're gay, and there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. You think I woke up one day and decided, 'hm, I'm gonna like boys instead of girls! Yeah, that'll make my life much easier!'"
"Yeah, but you found Snitch."
He gave me a discerning grin. "And how do you know that Race won't end up being to you what Snitch is to me?"
I didn't really have anything to say to that.
Skittery watched me for a few seconds, then nodded to himself. "Just think about it for a while, Blink. Don't think about what your parents and teachers and friends will say. Think about what will make you happy. Follow your feelings, not your head. Ooh, like that line in 'The Schmuel Song!'"
"The what?"
"'The Schmuel Song' from Last Five Years. 'Maybe it's just that you're afraid to go out onto a limb-avitch. Maybe your heart's completely swayed, but your head can't follow through.'"
"... 'limb-avitch?'"
"Shut up, it had to rhyme with Klimavitch. But think about it, Blink."
I nodded. "I will, Skitts."
"Good."
He shot me one last grin before unlocking the door and heading outside, leaving me on the cold floor of the bathroom with nothing but thoughts that I wish I didn't have.
-----
At lunch, we grabbed all the chicken nuggets that our plates could hold and claimed the only outdoor table. The large table sat underneath an awning directly next to the woods, plus it had a great view of the lake. And, to top it all off, the weather was a little bit cooler, so there weren't as many lovebugs. Very nice. Very peaceful.
I sat next to Race and did my best to just talk to him like nothing had happened. Yeah, that worked. Not. Everything I said involved "um" and "yeah" and "erm" and "you know." I definitely wasn't the most eloquent person at the table.
Race just smiled, nodded, and poked at his chicken nuggets. Most people wouldn't even have noticed that there was anything wrong, but I knew better. His smiles never reached his eyes, and he barely made any smart-aleck remarks when the topic turned to Mrs. Olivarde's teaching methods, or lack thereof.
All in all, lunch sucked.
And, to top it all off, it started to rain. Hard,
Well, in actuality, the rain was kind of nice. It drummed a peaceful pattern on top of the awning, the whole Center just felt cleaner, and the scenery seemed even more gorgeous with the rain streaming down around it.
"It's raaaaaining, it's pooooouring, the old man is snooooring," Skittery sang merrily. "He went to- GO AWAY!" he screeched suddenly at a lovebug that had appeared in front of his face. "Ahem. He went to beeed and bumped his-"
"Will you shut your penis holder?!" Snitch yelled over the rain. They cracked up; Racetrack and I forced small laughs. God, what bullshit. Why couldn't everything just go back to the way it was before all this crap?
"I'm gonna go get us some umbrellas before they're all gone," Skittery said, hopping to his feet. He pulled open the glass doors and walked back inside towards Mrs. Miller, who was handing out blue and white striped umbrellas. I sighed and immersed myself in making shapes out of my ketchup blobs so I wouldn't make an even bigger fool of myself by trying to make everything with Race okay again.
Skittery headed back outside a minute or so later with two of the large umbrellas.
"Sorry, I could only get two."
"Skitts, you had to have been able to-"
"I could only get two," he repeated, obviously fighting a smile. "Well, guess you guys will have to share. Come on, Snitch."
"But, Skitts, they still have umbr-"
"Let's go, Snitch!"
And they disappeared into the rain.
That bastard.
I glared in his general direction until Racetrack quietly cleared his throat. He gave me a small smile and pushed the umbrella open.
"You ready?"
"Yeah."
I took the umbrella, since I was taller, and we trudged out into the rain. Occasionally, we bumped arms or legs, but when we did, neither of us said anything about it.
Then, we got to the path that led to the conference room. Or, the small pond that had accumulated over it, anyway.
"Dammit," Race muttered. "We'll have to go the long way." I shrugged and nodded as we started towards the "scenic route," as Mrs. Olivarde called it, which wound around the woods, dipped into them occasionally, and took about fifteen minutes to walk through on a good day. We were looking at more like a half an hour.
God dammit.
I was on a hair-trigger; every nerve ending in my skin felt like it was standing up, reacting to the annoyingly prickly tension that had popped up between us. He didn't say anything, though. Not about the weather or about the retreat itself or anything at all, really. Definitely nothing about the night before.
So, I relaxed after about ten minutes.
"Blink, I really need to talk to you."
Dammit.
He continued to walk as he spoke, but he was focused on me. "I know you know what I want to talk about."
"Yeah, I do."
"Last night... was that a mistake?"
I sighed and stared at the ground. "I don't know, Race."
"Don't give me that bullshit. You do know, you just don't want to tell me." The bitterness in his voice shocked me. "Look, I said I'd give you time to think about it. You obviously thought about it, and you've obviously come to a decision." I opened my mouth to protest, but he cut me off. "Whether or not you realize it, you do know how you feel. I can tell." He stopped walking and stared steadily at me as the wind whipped around us. "If last night was a total mistake and you're straight, then fine. I can deal with that. If you never want to speak to me again, that'll take a little more time for me to get used to, but I can deal with that, too. But I can't deal with this constant state of not knowing what the hell is going on. So just tell me what the fuck you want to do."
I stayed completely silent for a second or two, then started trying to explain myself, which ended up being a repeat of lunch. I finally let out a groan, and leaned against a tree as I dropped the umbrella. I noticed that the wind carried it somewhere over the lake, but I didn't care. I didn't care that we were both getting drenched, either. Right then, I really didn't care about anything.
"Racetrack, last night was-"
"A mistake."
"No."
"A nightmare."
"No."
"The worst day of your life."
"Will you let me fucking talk?!" I spat. He shut up and settled for just standing there as the rain plastered his unruly hair to his head. "Race, last night was... I don't know what it was. But I have never felt like that before. Not with anyone."
He blinked. "Was this a good feeling or a bad feeling?"
"Good. Very, very good."
Race actually looked surprised for a second. Then, his whole face just seemed to melt with relief.
"If you liked it, then what's the problem?"
"That's just it! I don't know!"
But then, Skittery's stupid, weird-rhyming lyric came flying out of the abyss.
"Maybe it's just that you're afraid to go out onto a limb-avitch. Maybe your heart's completely swayed, but your head can't follow through."
And, suddenly, I did know.
"I'm... I'm scared, Race. I'm really fucking scared."
He frowned and cocked his head to the side. "Scared of what?"
I gestured haphazardly, spraying raindrops everywhere as I moved. "I'm scared of changing so drastically. I'm scared because I know that if I take this one last step, I can't go back. Ever. It's like jumping off of the high dive and hoping that nobody drained the pool. I'm scared of..." I paused briefly, then swallowed and went on. "I'm scared of falling for another guy."
Racetrack didn't say anything. He just looked at me. So, I watched the rain stream down his face and waited.
Then, he smiled. "I used to be scared, too."
I blinked. Definitely hadn't been expecting that.
"Sophomore year, I felt like there was something wrong with me. So, I didn't tell anyone. Then, Skitts ended up in my Psychology class, and we got to be friends, and he told me that Snitch was his boyfriend... and I felt pretty much okay from then on out. I mean, I was still paranoid and shit, but once you find out you're in the same boat as your friends, everything seems a little bit better."
I just stared at him for a minute or two, trying to think up a response. Unfortunately, all I could do was stare at him, helplessly.
He chewed on his lip thoughtfully, then tossed a rain-soaked lock of hair out of his eyes. Finally, he continued. "I really don't know what I'm trying to get at here. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if this is something that you're ready to accept, something that you're ready to deal with... I'm here. And so are Snitch and Skitts."
I felt myself smiling. "I know. And I think... I think I'm ready. At least, I hope I'm ready. I'm gonna try, at the very least."
He smiled back and stepped into me. "I was hoping you'd say that." A sudden flash of lightning lit up his eyes, briefly turning them gold, and I suddenly became very, very aware of how close he was to me.
I swallowed quickly as he moved closer, and I leaned back against the tree. Slowly, he reached up and brushed his thumb across my cheek, my lips, and I felt that now-familiar twist in my stomach.
"Race," I whispered through the rain, "I've never-"
"I know. It's all right."
"I don't know how-"
"That's okay." He smiled slightly as he leaned in, and I felt his lips hover over mine. "I do."
And then, he was kissing me.
I froze momentarily. But then his hand slid from my face to my neck to my back, and I slowly relaxed into him. He smiled; I could feel it against my lips. But the smile disappeared a split second later when he started to nip gently at my bottom lip. Without even realizing what I was doing, I placed my hand on the back of his neck and buried my fingers in his hair.
Race inhaled sharply. Then, his tongue darted forward, snaking its way into my mouth. I finally gave up and let out the moan that had been threatening to escape. His hand slipped under my soaked shirt, and I shivered as his cold fingers danced across my skin.
I'd suddenly forgotten the staples of the English language, so I don't think I said any actual words after that point. Lots of choked gasps and a few involuntary moans, but no words. Then again, even if I'd had the ability to speak, I wouldn't have been able to think of anything to say. I don't think the right words to explain such a dizzying, out-of-control, breathless moment even existed.
We broke apart a minute or two later.
"Shit," I breathed as Racetrack slowly traced the outside of my ear with his tongue. "Shit," I repeated, digging my fingernails into the tree trunk as he kissed and licked and nibbled his way down my neck. I could hear him panting, feel the heat from his breath puff against my neck.
Then, he brushed his fingers against the crotch of my jeans, and I nearly cracked my head on the tree.
At that point, I was so caught up in the moment that I would have fucked him right there, no questions asked. And I actually half-wished that it would happen.
But he stopped.
He stopped, pulled back slightly, and shook his head. It looked like it took a lot for him to do it, but he stopped anyway.
"You're just starting to get used to being gay," he muttered after a short pause. "I'm not pushing you into something that you're not ready for."
I watched him watch me, then answered him with a smile and a nod.
He smiled back and kissed me again, gently. "Come on. We're gonna get sick if we don't get back."
"Yeah. Let's go."
He grabbed me by the hand, and we ran along the path together, laughing in the rain. We were soaked through and through, and I should have been freezing. But, I barely even felt the rain, and somehow, I felt warm, all the way down to the tips of my toes.
-----
The rest of retreat passed without a hitch. We finished up with a little activity that involved taking a stack of large, purple, construction paper hearts. Mrs. Olivarde explained that she would read from a paper, and we would give a heart or a piece of a heart to someone that the sentence described. For instance, we had to give the heart to someone who inspired us on retreat or someone that we wanted to know better.
When she finally read, "give your heart to someone who helped you discover something about yourself," I didn't even have to think about it. I just turned and immediately gave my heart to Racetrack. And he gave me his, too.
We ended retreat by standing in a huge circle with our arms around each other and singing our class song: "In My Life," by the Beatles. It's an amazing song. It's even more amazing when sung by a couple of hundred boys who are just happy being with their friends, who don't care if they're off-key or if they don't know all the words.
Then, we packed our shit onto the buses and settled in for the trip home.
"What is that?" Snitch asked suddenly as we settled into our customary back seats.
I raised an eyebrow and dropped my binder onto my lap. "What's what?"
He leaned over the back of his seat and pointed to my neck. "You've got this big, red... that's a HICKEY. Blink has a HICKEY on his NECK! That was so not there at lunch!"
My face burned red, and I sank down into my seat. "Oh, God, Snitch, please don't do this..."
Snitch cackled as Skittery rolled his eyes and gnawed on a Gummi Bear. "So, where'd you get the hickey, Blinkers?"
"None of your business."
"Funny, I didn't know that there were any girls at this retreat, Mr. Hardcore Hetero!"
"Snitch, if you don't-"
"Who was it?!"
With an exasperated sigh, Racetrack pressed the pause button on his CD player, grabbed me, and kissed me full on the mouth.
"There. It was me, see? We made out in the woods. Now will you shut up?"
Silence.
Then, Snitch beamed. "I knew it was you. I just wanted to hear you say it."
"... you are such a douche."
"I am not a-"
Skittery jammed a lollipop in his mouth to shut him up.
"... those are my Starburst lollipops."
"Um... no, they aren't."
"Uh, yeah, they definitely are. I thought you ate them all!"
"... I lied?"
"Bitch!"'
Racetrack rolled his eyes and went back to his CD player. Snitch started screeching about how the bus was on the wrong side of the road. And I tried to steal my lollipops back from Skittery. Everything normal, everything as usual.
Except Racetrack's hand rested lightly over mine, and his thumb gently brushed back and forth against the back of my hand as we all pretended to bicker and ate each other's food.
I settled back into my seat with my reclaimed bag of lollipops, a sensation of lazy satisfaction sweeping through my body. I felt completely and totally at ease, so I relaxed, leaning slightly against Race.
I wasn't stupid; I knew that this serenity wouldn't last. When I hit home, I'd have to deal with my parents and my friends and a shitload of people that just wouldn't understand.
But I'd worry about that when I got there. At the moment, all I had to think about were my lollipops and my best friends and the boy whose fingers were laced with mine.
And, really, that's all I wanted to think about.
END CHAPTER THREE
END FIC
Woohoo! This mofo is DONE. I hope you all enjoyed reading it, because I definitely liked writing it. -beams- As I said before, this fic is dedicated to Ellegan (AKA Ellen and Megan) and Michelle because they rock and they actually did this dumb shit. Okay, I did it, too. Ahaha. Anyway. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, guys, and be sure to check out my other stuff! Don't have time to do real shout-outs, since my mother is screeching at me to get off the computer. BUT, thanks to:
Omni
Saturday
Braids
Artemis
Colleeny-bean
Ellegan (NEW YORK WOOOOO)
Aura
Mondizzle
Jess
Sapphikins
Twitchers
Dreamer
Leigh (ACK OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T GOTTEN LEIGH FANART IN SO LONG -worships!-)
LaMarshall (I cant believe you read this! -dies laughing-)
Two-Bits
Sistah Shorts
Ele
Berri (x2)
Buttons
You guys rock my socks. I'll be sure to update other stuff soon. But, now, as I shall do whenever I finish a multi-chapter fic, I leave you with a quote!
"Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein
Thanks for the support, guys!
--- Love, Sita ---
