The following days had ticked by slowly. Once she'd been to court with Sturgis for a first hearing. But most of the time she had spent in her office, with way too much time to think about Harm and him flying a probably dangerous mission.

By Sunday noon Bud returned from the carrier. Harriet had asked Mac to baby-sit for AJ and Jimmy. So she was there when he returned. Mac kept herself from asking about Harm, she feared the answer she might get. In the end it was Harriet who asked.

"He'd been doing fine when I left. That had been Saturday morning."

Mac was relieved by that. At least for now. She'd better call Mattie to tell her.

Though Bud's statement eased her mind throughout the rest of day, it switched back to worse during nighttime.


Once again she did see white Navy uniforms. But no Summer Whites this time. Dress Whites all around her. She felt the soft cushion of the chair she was sitting at. Felt the warmth of the sun on her skin. When she looked up she found the sky a perfect blue. A blue so clear only a summer day could offer. But than again she could see the pain, feel it. Suddenly the picture changed. She saw a man walking over some field. Saw him starting to run, run towards a child. A child that didn't move. Then she saw some kind of explosion, she had to squeeze her eyes shut. Another change. She was sitting next to Harm. Tears were running down her cheeks and she could see them glittering in his eyes. He was crying. She remembered that day. The day when they had waited for news about one of their friends. Had waited together, had shared their pain. Bud had made it through. The picture went back to the warm summer day. This time it was different. She felt a hand softly touching her shoulder, trying to comfort her. It was the Admiral she saw when looking up. He was standing behind her chair. By his side all personal from the office was gathered. Mac searched for Harm, but didn't spot him in the crowd. She turned her eyes back down. She was only half aware of the officers who were folding the US flag into an accurate triangle. When the flag was trusted into her hand five fighter jets were performing their regular maneuver overhead in the still perfectly blue sky.

Mac woke with a start. Her heart pounding loudly. 0254 hours. Still to early even for a run. All she could do was stay and try to set her mind on other things. Absentmindedly she stroked Jingo next to her.


Monday had gone by without a word. By Tuesday she couldn't stand the unknown any longer and asked to see the Admiral.

"Sir, do you have news about the Commander?" she asked after she seated herself in front of his desk.

"Not yet Colonel. But with the Commander I'd say 'No news are good news.'"

"Sir permission to speak freely?"

"Granted." AJ was curios at what was there to come.

"Sir I'm very worried. Do you know if the Patrick Henry is directly involved in Iraq?"

"Mac, we're in a war over there and the Patrick Henry is a part of that. But honestly I don't know what they do."

"Could you check, sir?"

"I can try." He already had, but there hadn't been much coming out of it. "Mac with you so worried may I assume that you and Harm have worked things out?"

"Not yet sir, but we wanted to before he left. And I don't want it to end like this."

"The Commander's a lucky guy. He came out of hot spots before."

Mac rose. "Thank you sir, and I truly hope you're right."

"So do I." AJ whispered when Mac closed the door behind her.


When Mac came home that night she settled down on the couch, reaching for her phone. Mattie was the first she called. Still no news. She started to repeat the Admiral's words to herself like a mantra. 'No news are good news.' She desperately hoped so.

After some time she dialed a different number, a number she knew by heart.

"Hello?"

"Clay, this is Mac."

He fell silent. And Mac struggled for a start.

"Clay, would you do me a favor? For old times sake."

"That would be?"

"Could you check on the current mission of the Patrick Henry?" she dreaded his answer. He was the last one she could turn to.

"Why is that? Can't the Admiral do it? It's not my particularly area of operations."

"Clay, please." She hated to beg, but sometimes things couldn't be helped.

"What for? Why are you interested in the Patrick Henry? Harm yes, he might, but you."

Mac kept quiet, there it was why she'd feared this call. She would have to tell him, hurt him. Hurt him once more.

"No, Mac don't say that you just asked me to do what I think you did." His voice had lost some of his power but gained some pain. Pain she knew she was causing.

"Clay, let me explain."

"No. You want me to check on the guy you left me for?"

"I didn't left you for Harm. I left you because you love me and I didn't."

"Yeah, that's what you said two weeks ago. But I haven't figured it out yet. Why leave somebody when you know he loves you?"

"Because I don't want to hurt you. And that I would have done, sooner or later. I would have fooled the both of us. I'm sorry Clay."

He thought about it. Probably he couldn't help it. And deep down inside he'd known it as well. Had always known that Sarah was in love with Harm. He had hoped for a wonder, for her love to change during the months they had been together. But after all it had been him who brought both of them to meet. Back on this day when he used her for tracking her uncle and the Declaration of Independence down. He had limited his chances back then already.

"I call you when I find something."

"Thank you Clay."


She was walking down the corridor by his apartment. For a moment she stopped in her tracks and looked at his bolted door. How she wished that she could just go over there, ring his bell so he would open the door facing her with that smile of his.

Sighing softly she diverted her attention to the reason she was there. Mattie had asked her to come over when she'd last called. She knew that the girl was worried about Harm, maybe just as much as she. With several quick steps she closed the distance to the women's apartment. She knocked trice before the door opened.

"Hi Mac." Mattie greeted shyly and let the woman step into the room.

"Hallo Mattie. Where's Jen?" Mac looked around the room but couldn't spot the young PO.

"She went to see some new movie. Want something to drink?" The girl was feeling nervous. She'd never been alone with Mac before, she didn't know her that well. Only from what Harm had told her, and that wasn't much. But she needed somebody to talk, and with her regular calls and from what Jen had let slip about Harm and Mac's relationship, Mattie figured that Mac was the best person for that.

"Thank you." Mac wasn't feeling any better either.

When Mattie returned with a bottle of water and two glasses, silence lingered in the room for some minutes. Both females having settled onto the couch, thinking about how to get this started.

"Are you alright?" Mac finally asked though she probably knew the answer.

"Are you?" Mattie's eyes had now focused on the older woman.

"He's fine. I'm sure of that." She tried to reassure the girl just as much as she tried to comfort herself.

"How do you know? He didn't call all week." Anger was once again evident in the girl's voice.

"They are pretty occupied. I'm sure he's going to call when he can spare the time." She hoped so much he would. Then she would at least know that he was doing fine.

"You don't need to defend him. You know him better than I do. And even I know that he's not going to do that. He has totally forgotten about me."

Mac was shocked on the outburst of the girl. She knew that maybe pieces of what Mattie had said were true, but still, she knew that Harm loved her deeply. He cared for this girl like she was his own, maybe not his daughter, but a beloved little sister for sure. But what she knew for sure as well was that, when there was flying involved he seemed to put everything else into the back of his mind.

"He's not forgetting you." She reached out to put her hand onto the girl's arm. "And he'll come back."

"Yeah, this time. But it wouldn't change anything. He's always out of town and I'm staying with Jen. It's like she'd become my ward." Tears of anger were mixing with those of hurt. These last weeks she'd felt more and more like she was pushed away again. And if Harm did that he wasn't any better than her father. She thought he was. At the beginning she had felt like being in a family again, with a father to admire and a sister she could always talk to. But with the time gone by Harm had made only occasional appearances in her life. Sure, he was caring about her well being, but in the end it was always Jen who she could turn to. And she wasn't going to do all this once more. She was capable of living on her own and she would do so again if need be, though somewhere inside she hoped that she was misjudging Harm, that he was caring about her, that he wanted her in his life.

Mac didn't know what to answer on that. That was so typically Harm. He was there when need be, was there to help. But when the tension of the moment wears off and things settled into the all day routine, he was backing away. He always did. He'd been doing it when Sergei was with him, he'd been doing it in Paraguay. It wasn't any different this time. He'd been there for Mattie when she'd needed help. He'd found a solution. And then he was stepping back, leaving her with Jen. For him that seemed to be the best. He still had his freedom. But had he ever asked what Mattie wanted? That was him, he wasn't committing, neither to Mattie nor to her.

"You know, I want him to come back." Mattie whispered suddenly.

"So do I."

They were looking at each other, trying to force a small smile they weren't feeling.

Mac admired the girl for her strength, she'd gone through a lot and she was still standing. Maybe, when all of this was past, they could try to get friends. She was sure they would get along well.

Mattie looked at the woman opposite her, the woman that loved him, but was deeply hurt. One could see as much in her eyes right now. So maybe one day, when Harm and she had worked it all out, they could try to get friends. She'd liked to have Mac for a friend.

"You alright?" Mac asked like she'd done quite a while ago.

"Might get better. You?"

"We'll see. I'll make it through." She always had.


It had been a week since her talk to Mattie and two since the day she had called Clayton Webb. He had responded right that night. But it hadn't helped to sat her mind at peace. Though they weren't currently flying over Iraq they could do so on short notice. Right now they were only guarding the seas around the Arabian Peninsula.

Mac had spent her days at the office forcing herself to concentrate on work. While at night the nightmare kept reappearing. She had gone to court. Had once won her defense against Sturgis but had lost another against the pair of Bud and Tiner. Every now and then she found herself underestimating Tiner. She still saw her CO's yeoman in him. Not the lawyer he now was.

Returning home Mac immediately switched her TV on. ZNN. She watched out for news. Although the killing of American soldiers had reached a dramatically high amount during the last months the government still insisted on letting their soldiers be stationed in Iraq. Each time she heard about another American killed her heart skipped a beat. But each time so far it had been another attack on some vehicle, no planes involved. Besides knowing this deaths would cause pain and sorrow in the USA she was always glad about it being somebody else.

The news turned to foreign policies. She closed her eyes, trying to relax. Ban the pictures she'd just seen and which would most certainly invade her nightmares. She heard a soft knock. She opened her eyes, looked at the TV showing a picture of German chancellor Schroeder shaking hands with some high officials from UN. There it was again. A knock. Who would be visiting this late?