*Well after a long time I've finally gotten around to finishing this chapter... ^^; I had major writer's block and then the chapter was going too long so I divided it up. Anyways this is more of an introspective point in the story, more so than any of the others. Hope you enjoy it, because I had an interesting time writing it. lol. ^_^

Silence

Chapter 4

Memories they come and go as they please. Some stay forever and others vanish as soon as one grasps to reach them. Illusive and taunting. I wish there were no such things as memories. That people could go on and relive... not on dwell and sigh in wistfulness.

But on the other hand one may have nothing but memories to sustain them. Memories of loved ones now gone and past. They keep them living till that day when they may meet again. Somewhere over the shadow kingdom there must lie one of light. Of course there must be, for there is darkness there must be light.

Sadness and rejoice.

Suffering and Euphoria.

They all go hand in hand.

We all come across and experience these, because in the end we are able to say that we have been through all this and we are better people for it. I have not turned away and run. Though sometimes I wish I have had. Though isn't it true that sometimes it's better to run away and hide? Wait for another day, for there is such a thing as odds too great? I believe that. But I then if I do and run everytime I am scared and unsure then I am being a coward. And a coward dies many deaths.

There is much to be wished for. Much to be had. Sometimes we are ungrateful of the things we have, and when they are taken away, all that remains is the constant thought and wishes of what was once there to be returned. It offered comfort when it was there and there was a sense of normalcy with its presence.

But there was never peace with him there, and there was never peace without him. His presence gave me comfort, his absence heartache. Others thought of him as a nuisance, tearing at the loose bindings of what remained of our family. They thought that revenge for him would be to destroy what was left.

That was not true. He only sought to try and cling to the remnants, as did I, and it is in that where we found each other. But... it wasn't possible. Mother hated him, cursing the day of his birth, crying through tears that he only wanted to hurt us. That he only brought misfortune and suffering.

Even when he had saved my life when I was young and lead astray, there was fault found in him. Sometimes I think to myself wouldn't it had been better if I had been attacked by that man? But then blame would fall on him for not saving me.

Save me from myself

And all that torments me lives on. Though I try to silence it, put a quell to it in my heart. I manage too... and I have managed too. Partially. There is nothing. Nothing but what I feel. the purest of emotions, but I am constantly reminded that these emotions should not exist. Not at the magnitude that they do, at least. But I can't.

So.

So I could not run away today. Not leave the one that I care for the most because I was frightened. That would not be an act of love. It would be escaping a situation that I do not care to deal with. It would be abandoning him. And I love him. I can't deny that anymore. Despite what others may say to convince me otherwise.

I was told that I would be thrown into hell for this love. But they make a mistake in telling me this. For I would go to hell for eternity willing because of one moments touch and kiss. A moment of warmth that would be following by my being struck down and feeling pain forever. But the ghost of the moment would help sustain me. The memory of the kiss upon my lips and the touch of his hand against my skin.

Call me a sinner and tell me that I am damned to hell. That I deserve to never feel happiness again or look upon the moon. We had meant to only salvage our family but had found nothing but each other.

And before us lay a river that had once been pristine white, laced with iridescent blue. Now it is polluted with fifth from words long ago utters but still lingered in the air. As one peers into the black depth, reflected back are memories best forgotten. The water consists of bitter tears. There is not joy in this place. Only despair. I find myself in a place where I do not want to be.

And I only want to be with him in the end.

God is truly sadistic. Finding pleasure in putting others through pain. But he said he loves us and that he cares. Imagine that the one I care for the most is the one most forbidden. But if I hadn't this love then I would kill myself and defy God. Willingly, as I said, and go to hell.

I remember when I was young I used to always be scared and depend on others. In turn others had to pay the price for my foolishness. Yes I admit that I acted foolish and still do. Though, now that I am older and have come to face what I have, I know think of myself being more aware. With this awareness I think that I am slowly beginning to make choices... better than I have done in the past. No matter how much they may hurt others, it is for a much greater cause. The cause of my love.

Will I lie and say that much of what I have done was not in selfishness? The selfishness of the love, that I wanted for myself and none other. I will not. But can I say that within myself... that I do not feel shame? A sense of wrong in what I am doing? Within myself, I feel that everything is a cruel joke. That I should love the one who is not allowed. That he should love me. That people look down upon us for our love, which should not be. I know it should not be, there is no point in telling me that, for I already know.

But.

It's like standing on the shore and commanding the tides to stop rushing forth, because you wish it so. No. My heart knows only of the love and the mind speaks of what has been impressed upon it. But I look past everything as best I can, reaching out for the only sure thing that I have. And that is him, Setsuna, and the love that we have for one another.

Wrong or right. There is not wrong or right. There is only what I believe to be the truth. And I will seek the truth. I will see it soon. Because there is nothing left for us, except the road that leads us away from our past, where we can go to our Eden and build ourselves a new life. Away from God. Away from heaven and hell. That which will exist will be what lays before us. And then there will be something.