Don't Call Us,We'll Call You!

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

Quotable quotes: Linus: It's fair weather today, Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown: So where are all my friends? – From Charles M. Schulz's "Peanuts."


Setsumi-san: Poor Chuck…

Mari: Yes, he needs to be sewn back up in some places.

Setsumi-san: I meant Charlie Brown. He was always down on his luck and had a lot of reasons to be a worrywart.

Mari: Will Marco feel like that in this chapter?

Setsumi-san: Thanks to you three, yes.

Mari: Yatta!

Setsumi-san: You know the drill: Read and review!


Chapter Two: The Pandemonium Begins! Marco Boils His Glasses!

Grinning like a maniac, Macchi pushed the call button on the cell phone and eagerly prepared to annoy Marco.

"Oh boy," she giggled, "I can't wait to drive this guy nutty as a fruitcake!"

"Actually, that's already been accomplished," Mari spoke up, "You only have to look at the tin can girl's cult to see that she's completely brainwashed them by telling them that murder is justice. Mari shudders to think what she'd become if she had such a crazy leader instead of Hao-sama."

All three girls shivered in agreement for a moment when Macchi made a shushing motion and signaled for the others to come listen to her conversation…


Meanwhile, back on the X-laws' ship, Lyserg Diethyl was being lectured by Marco (again) and suffering in silence. Deep down the green-haired boy understood that he was not yet ready for an angel of his own, but did the blonde man absolutely have to scold him about it for an average of two hours and thirty minutes each day?

"Listen to me, Lyserg Diethyl," Marco angrily barked, "Jeanne-sama's word is law! Until you can give up Morphin, I don't want you pressing our savior for an angel! You do not deserve to have her merciful patience! I don't see how she puts up with your bold behavior, and-"

Rrriiinnnggg! Rrriiinnnggg! Rrriiinnnggg! He was cut off by his own cell phone. He gave Lyserg one last look that could have frozen water in July before answering it.

"Hello, Seeker of God's Word. How may the X-laws help you?" was his greeting.

"Um…" came an unrecognizable female voice from the other end. There was a long pause while Marco raised an eyebrow in confusion. He could have sworn he heard giggling on the other line.

"Who is this?" he said crossly.

"Uh, this is Lauren!"

"Lauren?" whispered another voice from the caller's end.

"Who doesn't know somebody named Lauren?" replied the first voice.

"Madam, why are you calling me?" he snapped.

"Oh, yes! I'm calling about…your glasses!"

"My glasses?" he echoed, his tone changing from irritated to attentive.

"Tee hee…Yes, um, I'm filling in for your normal optometrist. I just called to tell you that we've found a severe defect with the model you wear. You should get rid of your own pair immediately!"

"Oh, I see. What was the defect?" he asked.

"The defect? Yeah…the defect…umm…"

"Defect, ma'am. It's a noun meaning a lack of something necessary for completeness according to the third edition of Webster's New World Dictionary," Marco continued, his irritated tone returning.

"…You don't use The American Heritage Dictionary?"

"Hmph! Only sinners like Asakura Hao use American Heritage!" snorted the Iron Maiden's guardian.

"WHAT! Er, I mean, heh heh…how very true. coughasswipecough Anyway, if you don't get rid of them soon you'll go completely colorblind! Yeah that's it…you'll only be able to see in black and white like a dog!"

"Well, I'm glad I was informed of this. I'll go throw them away right now," he said.

"Wait; don't just toss 'em in a garbage can! You have to dispose of these properly by melting them down!"

"What!" he exclaimed in disbelief. Lyserg blinked in curiosity.

"Yeah, now let's hear some water boiling!"

"I don't believe that you're a real doctor, you crazy woman! Goodbye!" he shouted.


Back on the Hanagumi's end, Macchi looked panicked. She gave the other girls a look that said: What do I do? Shrugs and sighs were her answers.

Desperate, she shouted, "Wait! Um, uh, unless you do as I say…I'll tell your darling tin can girl about all those child support checks you forgot to pay!"

"What are you talking about?" Marco said in a bewildered voice.

She paused, tossed the phone to Kanna, and hissed, "Here, take it!"

The bluenette clapped a hand over the receiver and whispered back, "Me? What do I say?"

"That's for you to decide; but just remember that you're the mother of his lovechildren," Macchi answered.

"NAAANNNIII!" she screamed.

"My thoughts EXACTLY!Marco roared from the other end.

"Um…I meant…NAAANNNIII! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME! DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE MET ON THAT HANGLIDING TRIP!" Kanna hollered.

There was a tense pause and the sound of Lyserg's voice asking if he could "pretty please" go to the bathroom before Marco replied, "I can't say that I do…"

"That figures," Kanna snorted, "your breath reeked of margaritas the whole weekend. I bet you didn't even mean it when you declared your eternal love to me!"

"I declared my eternal love to someone!" he sputtered.

"Marco-san declared his eternal love to someone!" Lyserg echoed in the background.

"Of course you did! I've been trying to find you for years and tell you about the siamese triplets you fathered during that weekend! How dare you haul your hung-over ass out of there without one reason why you left!" she screeched.

"Oh…my gosh…Well, uh, what can I do?" he said in an unusually apologetic tone.

"It's too late for forgiveness, you deadbeat! If you can't see about your children, I won't let you see period! Boil your glasses!" Kanna shouted.

"I'm blind as a bat without those things! Can't I make it up to you some other way?" he asked.

"Hmm…you could pay all your missed child support checks, the kids' medical expenses, and my rent for the next five years…which would come to a total of five million dollars…" she continued.

"I'll boil my glasses," he quickly replied, "LYSERG DIETHYL, FETCH OUR LARGEST POT!"

"But I still have to go to the bathroom!" the poor boy reminded him.

"You are a member of the X-laws, boy, and the X-laws hold it in!" he barked.

A second later, the Hanagumi heard the distinctive blub blub of boiling water and a farsighted Marco walking into walls; cursing. Kanna hung up and all three girls fell over chortling.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" they guffawed.

"Bwahahahahaa! I wish I could've seen the look on that guy's face!" Macchi laughed.

"Tee hee hee! The last time Mari laughed this much was when she and Chuck shot about a hundred balloons a street vendor was selling!" Mari giggled.

"Ahhahaha! Yeah, that was just priceless! Whew!" Kanna huffed.

"Who do we call next?" Mari asked.

"Let's go back to our tents first and then head straight for their leader, Jeanne," Kanna suggested.

"Good idea. I'll write some scripts in advance before we call the Iron Maiden while we get something to drink," Macchi piped up.

The world had no idea that it was about to be cower in fear under an invasion of three deadly, mischievous, beautiful shamans. What chaos would befall those in Patch Village? Would anyone be safe?

BUM, BUM, BUMMM!

Mari sweatdropped and asked, "When did we get ominous background music installed?"

The others shrugged and kept walking.


Setsumi-san: No offense was, has been, or ever will be meant to the disabled.

Mari: (holds Chuck to Setsumi-san's head) Mari assures the readers that if the author ever made you all mad, Mari would give her a good dose of pain.

Setsumi-san: P-Please take that away from my head, Mari.