Matte, Koibito!
My love for Hiei grew stronger every day. I loved him so much and he didn't even know. I didn't want him to leave and I knew he would if I told him. Still... my heart longed to be free of its secret.
Hiei sat beside me on the dock. We met out on the dock near my home about once a week. His only objective was to use me as a connection to Kurama; he had no interest in even being allies, much less friends, and even less lovers. He just saw me as a way to achieve his goals and he admitted to it too. So why did I feel this way about him?
How I wished I could satisfy my desire to answer that question but I found no answer, so I continued to ponder it. Hiei seemed to be lost in thought himself so what was wrong with slipping into deep deliberating thought? However, Hiei and I were opposites in action and once I fell into deep thought, he was coming out of it.
"So, do you think you can persuade Kurama to join me?" Hiei suddenly asked, shattering the serene silence.
"He isn't Yoko Kurama anymore," I laid down and looked up at the sky. "He isn't a thief anymore. I don't think he'll come with you."
"Those pitiful humans must be happy with themselves," Hiei muttered bitterly. "They managed to take one of the greatest demon thieves of all and turn him into one of them."
"I do not appreciate your tone of superiority Hiei," I said. "Humans are capable of much more than you are."
"You're wrong. No pathetic human could ever even be capable of what I am, much less more than I'm capable of," Hiei replied.
"Humans are capable of the same vile acts as you- hatred, violence, murder, thievery... and we are capable of good things- far better things than you could ever hope for. We are capable of love, for one."
"You speak as if you're one of them," he looked down at me with a puzzled glance.
"I am a human, Hiei. You of all people should know that," I answered as I sat up. "I am capable of far more than you, as well... from violence to friendship... from murder to love."
"You're a broken record, woman," Hiei murmured.
"The name is Alicia," I insisted. "Why aren't you capable of love, Hiei?"
"Pathetic humans and their stupid questions...," Hiei growled. "You really want to know? I am not capable of love because nobody ever showed me love. Even my own mother hated me. How could I learn to love if no one loved me?"
"He's serious...," I thought. "Hiei," I asked softly, "do you want to be loved?"
He knew better than to try the silent routine with me. Hiei was smart enough to know I was not satisfied with a reply of bitter silence. "I don't know," Hiei answered. "Maybe I want to be loved and maybe I don't. How can I know?"
My courage grew and my heart's desire to tell him my secret grew as well. I decided to tell him while the moment still seemed right. "Hiei, what would you say if I said I loved you?"
He looked up at me, wide-eyed. Then he blinked twice and, before I realized it, he had vanished. My one shot at happiness went with him.
I got up and headed back to my house. My heart torn in two, I had nothing better to do than to go inside and lay in bed- lay in bed and cry.
As I laid there sobbing I kept repeating the same two questions, crying even harder when the answers didn't come to me. Why did I love him? Why did it hurt so much when he left? He was just a man, after all. I never cried over losing a man before- with the exception of when we lost Kuronue but that was different. When I lost Kuronue, I lost a father-figure; when I lost any other man, I lost a boyfriend. A boyfriend was nothing to cry over.
It hurt so much. Why did it hurt? He was just a man- nothing to cry over. Why did it hurt?
The phone rang and I rose from my bed. I dried my tears and picked up the receiver. "Hello?"
"Hi Alicia," Kurama said. "Are you okay? You sound like you've been crying."
"Oh, hi Kurama. I'm fine. So what's up?" I asked.
"I'm going downtown with some of my friends from school tomorrow. I called to see if you wanted to come with us," he replied.
"Yeah sounds li-- On second thought Kurama, I can't. I have somewhere to be tomorrow."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. Hey Kurama," I said. "Do you remember where the portal is?"
"The portal? To the Makai? Yes but why do you ask?"
"Because that's where I need to go tomorrow. So where is the portal?"
"It's right in the back of your closet, Alicia," he chuckled. "Takes a good few knocks head to forget something that close, doesn't it?"
"More like a dozen," I replied. "God, I'm such a ditz for forgetting that."
"Take it easy on yourself Alicia. It's just a portal which we haven't used in fifteen years. It's not like it's a priceless jewel you just put down in front of you two seconds ago," Kurama said.
"I have a right to be angry with myself, Kurama," I said, picking up a necklace Kurama had given to me when we were still thieves. "I did lose a priceless jewel today."
"You didn't lose the necklace did you?" he asked nervously.
"No. I was using a metaphor. I really lost a guy."
"So is that what you were crying about?" Kurama queried with concern.
"Yes but don't worry about it. I'll call you when I get back, okay? I'm heading out to the Makai now," I said to him. "Goodbye, Kurama."
I threw open the door to my closet and searched the floor for the portal. I found the loose floorboards, pulled them up, and jumped in. Next I knew I was in the Makai.
"Matte, Koibito," I whispered to the air. "I can't let you go, Hiei. I don't know why but I can't let you go."
Hiei's chi was very distinct and easy to sense. It took me a mere matter of seconds to track down his energy signal and pinpoint his location. Then, I was off. Roaming the redoubtable and varying landscapes of the Makai in search of my love... it didn't really sound like something I'd do and yet here I was doing it.
