Don't Call Us,We'll Call You!
A fanfic by Setsumi-san
Quotable quotes "...And don't ever take yourself so seriously that you refer to yourself in the third person. You know, the day I say, 'Dennis Miller has to look out for Dennis Miller,' I want you all to crown Dennis Miller the King of Assholia." –Dennis Miller on blatant self-promotion, I Rant, Therefore I Am.
Mari: Mari resents that quote, Setsumi-san.
Setsumi-san: Sorry, it's nothing against you. We love you because you talk in third person.
Mari: Besides, the pigtails make Mari as cute as she is powerful.
Disclaimer: I own neither Shaman King nor Pop Rocks candy. (sigh)
Warning: There are a few minor religious jokes in this chapter, so skip those parts if you don't like that. I take no responsibility for any offense you might take. Anyway, read on and crack a smile.
Chapter Three: Guess Who Your Ancestor Was, Jeanne-sama.
The Hanagumi had hit a rough spot in their plan back at their little corner of Hao-tachi's campsite. They'd tried to reach the Iron Maiden after writing dialogue for several of their false calls, but ended up leaving her a message instead. Now this would have been harmless…except Macchi had forgotten to hang up after the trio had finished.
"Way to go, bonehead!" Marion scolded.
"Ow! Mari, you didn't have to hit me," Macchi huffed.
"She's right though. I thought you said you had this thing figured out," Kanna said.
"No, I never said such a thing! I-I'm gonna tell Hao-sama this is all your fault and he'll make the Spirit of Fire roast, toast, and burn you to a crisp! " Macchi snapped back defensively.
"Settle down, we're not in trouble yet. We don't even know if Tin Can Girl checked her messages. Let me call her back and see if she answers," Kanna suggested, "She'll forget about all answering machines within a thousand miles after the scare I give her."
She bared her teeth in a wicked grin, pressed the call button, motioned for a random script to be provided…and frowned. What Macchi had written was downright silly. The oldest girl made a mental note to cut off her partner's supply of Pop Rocks just before the Holy Girl said hello.
"May I speak with the one who calls herself Lady Jeanne?" Kanna began.
"This is she. Whom shall I say is calling?" Jeanne inquired politely.
"Miss Maiden, I am Professor Itrickedyuu. I major in theology and have been trying to find the descendant of Saint Spalding for a long time," the bluenette answered.
"I see. What does this have to do with me?" Jeanne asked.
"Well, we believe you may be his direct descendant. You see, he was the patron saint of keys. Whether you had a problem with lost keys, house keys, car keys, or map keys he was your man! I only need to ask you three questions to prove my theory is true. First: Are you the one who has the power to open the legendary Gate of Babylon?" Kanna said.
"Why, yes!" she exclaimed.
The other girls of the Flower Team snickered while listening in on the conversation. Their leader silently shushed them but could not keep a smirk from curling across her face.
"I knew it! Only a human key herself could unlock such a gate! Now those who kicked me out of the university shall suffer my wrath when I t.p. their campus! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Kanna cackled.
"Madam, are you…well?" Lady Jeanne said nervously.
"I've never felt so vivacious in all my life, Cap'n!" she piped.
"'Cap'n?' Miss, I believe you need to get somewhere where you cannot harm yourself," the Iron Maiden tried to say as calmly as possible. One could practically hear her uneasy frown on the other line.
"Question two: What is the unit of measurement used to determine how bright a lightbulb is?" she continued.
"What?" Jeanne responded.
"That's right, you measure brightness in watts!" she shouted.
"I'm hanging up now," the Holy Girl firmly stated.
"Wait! If you answer this last question we can tell you about a secret weakness of Hao Asakura," the teen interjected.
There was a silent pause on the other line for a moment that was occasionally interrupted by the muffled thumps of Marco greeting the walls hello.
"You have my attention," she replied rigidly, "but if you goof around with me once more I will find you and punish you severely in the name of justice."
"Oh sure, don't worry," was her caller's reassurance, "Anyway, what were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
Another pause stretched out like an elastic waistband on a pair of old sweatpants. Lady Jeanne had always been a Bible connoisseur, but could not remember the first thing out of Eve's mouth for all it was worth.
Dear me, she thought, here I am presented with the possibility of attaining priceless information for my goal only to have my mind go blank.
"I'm wai-ting," Kanna said in a sing-song voice.
"Let me think. The first words Eve said to Adam were… they were…" she hesitated, "Ooh, that's hard..."
"Wow, I'm impressed. I didn't think you knew the answer to that last one," the bluenette remarked.
It took a few seconds for Jeanne to realize what she was implying. Then…
BWOOSHH! The Hanagumi heard the sound of her flushed face steaming up the room. Mari and Macchi were getting hernias from trying to hold their laughter in. Oh, how they wished Hao-sama could see their brilliant work now!
"Y-You vulgar woman! I don't know who you are or why you wasted my time, but I will track you down and make you pay for your crude and unholy words! Goodbye!" she sputtered before hanging up.
"YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Mari and Macchi hooted.
"Yeah, you two just whoop it up. From now on I make up what I'm going to say on these nutty calls myself," Kanna grumbled.
"Let Mari do one, let Mari do one!" Mari demanded.
"Okay," Macchi agreed, "but wait at least thirty minutes. The X-laws will get suspicious if they get three weird calls following each other so quickly.
"What are Chuck and Mari supposed to do for thirty minutes when there are no walking targets for fire practice?" the blonde complained.
She was answered with creeped-out stares.
"I'm…gonna go to the bathroom," Kanna said nervously.
"Yeah…I'll come with you and… make sure you flush," Macchi added.
The two zipped off like bolts of lightning leaving only a cloud of dust and a bewildered Marion behind.
Mari: Well, who is Mari supposed to use for practice?
Setsumi-san: Sorry, but I'm keeping this Pg-13.
Mari: (huffs and plops down on the ground irritably) (
Setsumi-san: Would you all be kind enough to review and cheer Mari-chan up?
