Don't Call Us; We'll Call You!
A fanfic by Setsumi-san
Exceptional Excerpts: "…Time isn't real."-D.J. from the book Wayside School Is Falling Down
Author's Note: I just noticed a critical error in After the Beep: The story's timeline is completely out-of-order. The fic and this sidestory take place, for the most part, when everyone is in Patch Village; but the way I wrote the chapters in After the Beep totally jumbles everything up. I'm going to try to do my best to fix all that through this story, though. Don't worry; there won't be any major plot changes. Again, I am so sorry!
Mari: (happily munches on her candy while huggling her Nichrom plushie and occasionally blasting the Marco dolls) Mari feels loved! Thanks to all the nice reviewers for their comments and gifts.
Setsumi-san: Hey, do you mind sharing some of that candy?
Mari: Yes.
Setsumi-san: =( Oh well…enjoy Ren's chapter.
Chapter Four: In Which Ren's Legendary Slut-Pants Are Confiscated
Lyserg sighed with relief as he came out of the bathroom. Today had been most hectic. Amongst all of his inner conflicts, Marco's speeches, and Lady Jeanne suddenly feeling ill (Meene had explained that she was looking rather red in the face and needed to cool herself off for a while) he'd barely gotten a moment's peace!
Oh well, at least things can't get any crazier, he thought.
CRASH!!! Just then a herd of elephants, which was being led by a certain caffeine-happy Ainu, charged through a nearby wall and nearly trampled the poor dowser.
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go, my precious pachyderms! Be free! Never again shall any circus ringmaster force you into a frilly little costume for the amusement of human beings! FREE THE ANIMALS!!! III LLLOOOVVVEEE CCCOOOFFFEEE!!!" Horohoro manically screamed as he rode into the wild blue yonder.
When all of the dust settled, the clamor stopped, and the scent of Eau de Serengeti wafted away Morphin anxiously floated up to her dazed master and gave him a look that asked what just happened.
"I think it's best," he murmured, "if I not get involved with this one…"
Meanwhile, our three heroes could not get anyone to answer their latest call and Mari was getting frustrated.
"This thing is biased," she sulked, "It won't let Mari talk."
"Yes it will. Try calling someone else," Macchi advised. She browsed the number log for a moment before coming upon Tao Ren's number.
"Here Mari, try tongari head. You can scare him and avenge your boyfriend," Macchi teased. Mari glared and snatched the phone from her.
"Nichrom is NOT Mari's boyfriend," she insisted. However, she could not hide the faint tulip pink blushline from streaking across her face while she pressed the button.
On yet another side of town, Tao Ren sat inside his team's cabin mentally somewhere between boredom and unease. His sister was in the kitchenette making him dinner…or at least trying to. One couldn't expect much from someone who thought bacon should be baked; but Jun wanted to prove that she didn't need servants to do everything for her. Thusly Ren and everyone else in her path were subjected to each new culinary disaster she made. What could the poor boy do? He didn't want to hurt his sister's feelings.
"Ren," she called, "about your noodles…do you think I should boil them for one hour or two?"
Oh God, Ren thought with a shudder. He was saved by the ringing of the cabin's telephone.
"Yes, what?" he rudely answered.
"Tao Ren?" a female voice replied.
"This is he."
"You're in a lot of trouble with the laws of Patch Village."
"Hn! Just what have I done?"
"While you've been here you've slipped beneath the town's dress code. The eleven official priests have reports of you sporting poofy hip-hugging slut-pants."
"First of all, there are only ten priests judging the Shaman Fight. Secondly, they aren't 'slut-pants.' They're part of my battle outfit sewn in a Chinese style. I haven't broken the dress code."
"You're speaking to the eleventh priest; the Great Spirit picked an alternate for emergencies. Furthermore, whether Chinese or not, those are risqué slut-pants and they will be confiscated."
"I told you not to call them slut-pants!"
"Slut-pants."
"Stop that!"
"Slut-pants."
"Kisama!"
"Hee hee! S-l-u-t P-a-n-t-s!"
"It's not funny, you bitch! I'm going to be Shaman King and the Shaman King isn't going to let a stupid thing like a dress code be a nuisance to him!"
"You'll be disqualified from the Shaman Fights if you don't give them up."
"This is the only battle costume I have! Do you expect me to fight my opponents half naked?!"
"Ew, you mean you don't wear underwear?"
"UNDERWEAR DOESN'T COUNT!!"
"So…you wouldn't wear underwear. That's sick."
"Of course I would wear it! I'm just saying that underwear doesn't count as normal clothing."
"If you wear it, it's clothing. No wonder you're so screwed up. What other twisted fashion crimes are you guilty of?"
"None! Look, can we settle this any other way?"
"Well…there is a fine you could pay."
"That's good. Money is no object with me. How much do you need?"
"Three-thousand three-hundred dollars will do."
"What the hell-?! Just for a dress code?! No, I won't pay it! Besides, that's my entire weekly budget!"
"Okay, but remember: tighty-whities."
"Alright, alright, alright. Where do I send the check?"
"Uh…just tape it to the front of your door. Someone will come by and pick it up later."
"That sounds awfully suspi-"
"Bye!"
The phone clicked as Mari abruptly cut Ren off and smirked at her teammates.
"The Hanagumi is going to be filthy rich tonight," she told them.
Mari: Mari is going to spend all of her money on doll accessories and ice cream!
Setsumi-san: Can anybody stop this trio?! What will they do with their newly acquired money?! Does Ren really wear underpants?! Find out next time!
