Don't Call Us; We'll Call You!

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

Quotable Quotes: "We need the bitchy Erica Cane back!" –My Mother, on All My Children's infamous husband-happy diva.


Setsumi-san: Mean girls are so much more fun! =p

Mari: (smacks Setsumi-san)

Setsumi-san: OW! What was THAT for?!

Mari: You said mean girls-

Setsumi-san: I wasn't being literal!

Mari: (sticks out her tongue) Aren't we cranky?

Author's Notes: 1. The Hanagumi fought against Jun and Tamao in the manga, for those who have only seen the anime. 2. I don't own/am not affiliated with Pepsi One Cola (unless you count buying their soft drinks as owning...which I doubt you do…) or anything of the sort.


Chapter Five: "Why of course this is the Culinary Crisis Hotline!"

By noon of the next day our heroines were relaxing and eating lunch in Silva's diner...with knee deep mounds of shopping bags all around them.

"Ahhh! This is the life, huh girls?" Macchi said happily.

"I've gotta hand it to you; it was wise to make Opacho get the check for us. That kid's really good when it comes to sneaking around. Still, I don't think it's fair that he should get to take my new motor scooter on a joyride," Kanna replied.

"Hey it was either that or give out another share of the money. Besides, didn't you actually want that motorcycle?"

"Yeah, but you can't get anything much with one-thousand, one-hundred dollars these days. I'm not complaining though; that fancy little scooter can really haul ass when you crank it. I really miss my old bike."

Presently, a young Patch waitress arrived with their orders.

"That's three Patch Sodas, a plate of chicken-fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy, one with fried chicken strips, and…oh! Excuse me a moment," the girl pardoned.

She rushed back to the kitchen and returned a few seconds later with a large wheelbarrow which held a three-foot tall sundae. It consisted of pumpkin flavored ice-cream, chocolate chips, fine pecan slices, strawberry chunks, caramel fudge swirls, whipped cream, and a single cherry on top. Everyone in the diner gawked at the sugary magnum opus.

"Yum, pumpkin is Mari's favorite!" Mari exclaimed.

WHAM!! Everybody fell over in shock.

"You're having THAT for lunch?!" Macchi shouted after recovering.

"It's Mari's money; she can eat what she wants," she answered.

"Well…whatever floats your boat…" the redhead replied. She sipped her drink uneasily.

"You can't talk. You spent all of your cash on Pepsi One, cell phone covers, and an upgrade for your broom. How exactly do you upgrade a broom anyway?" her quiet friend asked.

"In addition to sweeping it can shop for groceries, do the laundry, wash the dishes, and electrocute any creep who's bothering you. Watch this," she told her getting up with the broom.

She "accidentally" bumped into a random man, screamed 'Pervert!' and zapped him with a loud bzzzzzzz.

"Let that teach you a lesson, you sicko!" she shouted.

"Uh, Macchi…" Kanna began uneasily.

"The next time you want to touch a lady like that, you'd better remember this experience!"

"Macchi…" Mari interrupted with apprehension.

"I am Matilda Matisse; mighty shaman, Princess of the Electric Broom O' Doom, and Keeper of Hao-sama's Cell Phone! Behold my glory! Nyahahahaha!!"

"Macchi!!!" her teammates yelled in unison.

"Hang on! I'm not done with my speech yet."

"Oh yes you are," a male voice growled. The carrot-topped girl looked up in horror to see its owner. He was Luchist, a very LARGE and STRONG fellow servant of Hao.


"AIIIEEEE!!!!" the trio shrieked as Luchist flung them and their bundles out into the dirty street.

"Screw you!" Kanna screamed.

"Mari never got to finish her sundae," sniffled the blonde.

Before the Hanagumi could say anything else they were surprised by a beedle, beedle, beedle noise.

"It's…" Mari said.

"…the phone," Macchi finished.

The girls froze for a minute. They weren't quite sure how to react. Who was calling them? What did they want? Technically, it wasn't their phone so it would mean someone wanted to talk to Hao-sama…right?

Then again…Macchi hadn't been informed by her leader if he'd given anyone his number. If he did…someone may have traced their prank calls. Was this the Hanagumi's doom? Would Hao feed them to the Spirit of Fire when he found out that they had been messing around? Only two words were right to describe this situation: Oh shit.

Matilda Matisse gulped and took it out of her pocket. She wouldn't let herself jump to conclusions. Things had been settled with Iron Maiden Jeanne and this would get settled too.

"Hello?" she answered in a calm tone.

"Culinary Crisis Hotline? I need your help," a young woman responded from the other end. Macchi let out a mental sigh and gave the thumbs-up sign to her friends.

"I think you have the wrong num-" Macchi started before a little lightbulb popped above her head. She recognized that voice. It was the Tao girl whom the team had fought once!

"Hello, operator?" Jun asked.

"Um…yes! Why of course this is the Culinary Crisis Hotline! How can we be of assistance?"

"I'm trying to bake some cookies for the first time but what I have for dough is something…uh…I'm not really sure how to describe this…"

"Alright, take your time."

"Well…the dough is…tough."

For once it was Macchi's turn to be surprised.

"Did you say 'tough?' What do you mean?" she asked.

"Yes. The dough's stiff as a board. When I touch it it feels like cloth. Specifically, the texture is like a pillowcase or a hospital gown."

"Whoa…what kind of cookies are you trying to make here?"

"It's my own personal recipe. These are going to be sugar cookies with a little bit of peanuts and cinnamon on top."

"Aha! There's your problem! Any decent baker knows that cinnamon belongs with at least three other spices in all cookies."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, it's practically the golden rule of spiceology."

"Excuse me, but what on Earth is spiceology?"

"It's a very exclusive and complicated art of cooking that only the greatest chefs know. Truthfully, I shouldn't be yakking about it. I've said too much already."

"Oh, then let's move on to-"

"I mean, I could have my friggin' Chef PhD ripped apart because I leaked this little secret! They could be watching me right now! If they send an assassin to take me out you are so going with me, missy."

"Ri-ight. I'm hanging up now."

"LIKE HELL YOU ARE!! WE'RE FINISHING WHAT WE STARTED! GO TO YOUR NEAREST SPICE RACK AND GET THREE MORE SEASONINGS!!"

"Okay, okay! Tell me what to use!"

"So you really wanna know?"

"Uh-huh."

"Do you really, really wanna know?"

"Yes I do."

"Do you really, really, REALLY wanna-"

"Just TELL me!!"

"There's no need to shout, ma'am."

"Urgh. Listen, I have seven seasonings before me. What do you recommend?"

"Since you're going to have four flavors in all you'll need two sweet ones and two zesty ones. You already have cinnamon, so pick out another like that."

"Oh dear, there's no ginger left. That was the last relatively sweet thing I had aside from the powdered lemonade mix."

"Don't worry. That's a perfectly acceptable substitute!"

"Are you sure?"

"Who's asking whom for advice here? Not many people know about these little secrets. I just got in even deeper doodoo with my superiors after spilling that; so I hope you're happy!"

"Alright, let me ask you one last question: Would lemon pepper and paprika be good for the zesty flavors?"

"They sure would! You're getting smarter already. I'm sorry I yelled at you; I guess my superiors weren't going to send a hitman for me after all."

While Jun accepted her apology Macchi urgently motioned to Mari. The blonde was confused for a moment, but after Macchi mouthed fire on my signal she understood and aimed her doll's gun skyward.

"…Anyway, thank you for your help," Jun finished.

"It's no problem. Good luck with your cookies," Macchi replied.

Before Jun could say goodbye she heard a loud BANG on the other line.

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!! THEY'RE TRYING TO KNOCK ME OFF!!!" the redhead screamed. She heard the dao-shi shriek in terror and hang up.

"Well? Who was it?" Mari asked.

"Let's just say there's a very nervous baker and her poisonous cookies somewhere close by," Macchi giggled.


Setsumi-san: The moral of this chapter is: People would rather eat a metal bat than anything of Tao Jun's.

Mari: …and always take your ice cream with you!

Setsumi-san: Reviews make my world go round. See the pretty little review button? You know how to click it, don't you? (points)