Don't Call Us; We'll Call You!

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

Quotable Quotes: "Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future. Concentrate the mind on the present moment." –Buddha


Chapter eight: The Mad Peppermint Emperor Meets the Mad Semi-Drag Queen! (Sort Of…)

Tao Ren was, to say the least, quite grouchy. He had no weekly budget cash, his sister had unintentionally poisoned him, his Japanese teammate was currently suffering from caffeine withdrawl, and his American teammate was refusing to bathe after receiving a weird warning about wild and dangerous Howler Monkeys!

"I'm tellin' ya that that's what the Animal Control Officers said!" Chocolove shouted.

Ren clasped his nostrils with a nearby clothespin and yelled back, "I dode gare whad dey zaid! Dey should hab dold you to go tayg a bath!"

"No way! It's fine with me if you want some crazy monkey ripping you limb from limb, but I wanna live!"

The Chinese boy grabbed his kwan-dao and immediately swished it toward Chocolove, who nearly got his afro sliced off. He quickly merged with Mick and tried to dash away from Ren, but it was to no avail. Punches were thrown. Kicks bludgeoned bodies. Cuts were scratched. Bites clamped down. The struggle seemed to go on forever.

"Chocolobe, you stinky sod of a bitch, get id the tub!"

"Never!!"

"The only modkeys id thiz house are you and Horohoro! You're taygig a bath if I have to drag you id there and scrub you myself!"

"Please Ren, lemme go!"

"Pigs will fly out of my ass before thad happeds!"

"Hey, look! It's Santa Claus!"

Ren was distracted long enough by that for his friend to shove him into the bathroom and nail the door shut.

"Thad was a TRICK?! Why you dirty little skunk, I'll get you!!"

Ring, ring, ring!

"Heh heh! Sorry, I'd talk to you but I gotta answer the phone."

"KISAMA!!"

Chocolove simply ignored his teammate and answered, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is your friendly local Animal Control Lady speaking."

"You're just the person I needed to talk to! When is this problem gonna be solved?"

"Oh! You got the message, then?"

"Yeah, I've been doing everything you guys told me to do! Have you caught any yet?"

" 'Any?' What do you mean by that? There's only one of him."

"There's only a single monkey?!"

"Oh no, please don't say that you got a false call too."

"What do you mean?"

"A disgruntled employee tricked some of his co-workers into giving people fake warnings about howler monkeys. The company has only recently learned that he has now gone insane and is taking his rage out on our clients in your neighborhood."

"Whoa! I'm glad I found out about this! How will I know this guy if I see him?"

"No one knows his true identity, but witnesses have said his most recent alias is that of a blonde German semi-drag queen."

"WHAT?! I-I-I m-m-must've misheard you. Please tell me he does not really look like that! "

"He doesn't. It's a disguise, remember? The police only call him a semi-drag queen because he seems to have a fetish for purple lipgloss."

"AHHHHHHH!!!!!! My friends and I are gonna die!! This psycho's been living among us all of this time! YOU GOTTA SAVE ME!!!"

"No way! If he's with you than he's your problem!"

"Well, he works for you!"

"No one works for this peon. She gets paid the same no matter what kind of performance she does and after ten years of service she has begun to hate all customers."

"Why'd you help me out if you hate your job so much?!"

"…Don't question your superiors."

"Look here lady; you aren't my superior and I want somebody to come get this crazy man!"

"We control animals, not cross-dressers. You called the wrong people."

"What the-?! You called me!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"For the last time, soldier, don't question your superior's authority!"

"Huh? What do you mean by 'soldier'?"

"TEN-HUT!! Fall in you little mama's boy, or you can never defeat the evil troops of the Semi-drag queen!!"

"Ma'am, yes Ma'am!!"

Not wanting to get attacked by Faust's transvestite army (or whatever the necromancer had at his disposal) Chocolove stood at rigid attention.

"Alright you sorry bastard, you're in Telephone Boot Camp as of right now! Drop and do five-hundred one-fingered push-ups!"

"Ma'am, yes ma'am!! Unnnnffff… urrrrgggghhh...hold on…urrrrgggghhh!"

"Is that ALL you've GOT?! DOUBLE TIME, SOLDIER!!!"

"B-But I haven't even done a single push-up!"

"We're one of those recruits with an independent streak, are we? In that case you are hereby sentenced to…um…cleaning all of the ladies' bathrooms on the base using only a Q-tip."

"NNNOOO!!! Not the potty punishment!"

"Yeah! Moreover, your chief duty will be to empty the special wastebaskets where they throw away feminine products."

The poor shaman made a sound that can only be described as "Eeeeeyuuweehh" before fainting in horror.


Ten minutes later…

"Oog…what a horrifying dream," Chocolove groaned.

"Oh let me assure you that your nightmare is just beginning," a cold voice replied.

The former glanced up and saw a very angry Faust glowering at him.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S THE MAD SEMI-DRAG QUEEN!!!" he screamed.

"SILENCE!! I'm only going to say this once: I do not know where you are hiding my wife or why you want her in particular, but I want her back," Faust demanded.

"What're you talking about?! I-I don't know anything about your wife," the comedian insisted, "Besides; shouldn't you be mad at your bosses instead of me?"

The blonde man looked slightly puzzled for a moment then shook his head and yelled, "Don't play dumb! Do what you will with me but leave Eliza out of your crazy empire!"

"Lazy vampire!" Chocolove joked.

Needless to say, the lame pun not only earned the poor boy a greeting from painful surgeon's tools; it made Ren get angry enough to kick open the bathroom door and stab his nose. Chaos would have ensued long into the night if Eliza had not wandered in the cabin while looking for her husband.


Another ten minutes and several bandages later…

"Led me see if I understand thiz," Ren said, "You both got weird phodecalls aboud each other thad turned out to be lies. Neither of you recogdized these women and dey didn't give you their names. However, dey both seemed to know a lot aboud both of you. Did either of you geniuses check the Caller I.D.?"

Chocolove stared blankly while Faust simply ignored him and snuggled with Eliza. The Chinese boy rolled his eyes and proceeded to get to the bottom of the problem himself.

"Thad's strange. Hao's number has shown up three times id a row," Ren observed, "I didn't even know he had a phode."

"That can't be right. Hao called once to leave me a scary message a little earlier; but that was it," the American shaman said.

Just then a certain pyromaniac murmured, "As I thought…"

"HAO!" everyone shouted. He had seemingly popped out of nowhere and was sitting on top of a nearby cabinet.

"Relax," he told them, "I just want to explain what's going on and ask if you'd like to help take care of it."