Beckett looked around the bleak landscape. "Cheerful looking, isn't it?"
Beside him, McKay snorted. "Feels like Antarctica. Actually," he added, "I think Antarctica was cheerier looking."

Beckett chuckled, snuggling farther into his parka. "Aye, probably." He watched as Sheppard and Ford randomly threw wads of snow at each other, turning their walk into a casual snowball fight. "They seem to be enjoying themselves."

"Sheppard liked Antarctica, remember?" McKay remarked scathingly. "He's already whacked."

Beckett chuckled again, and looked around again. Truth be told, aside from the bleakness, the doctor was sort of enjoying the hike to the nearest village. The planet was quiet, no alarms, no talking, just the slight whisper of a breeze that picked up random piles of snow, making miniature waves in the grey sky.

"I really hope Sheppard knows where he's going," McKay grumbled. "I'm not entirely fond of the idea of dying of hypothermia."

Beckett rolled his eyes. "Rodney, you're dressed warmer than an eskimo, and we're not going to -"

Suddenly, he stoppped and stared ahead of him.

Walking towards him, barely visible against the snow, was Perna.

No, he reminded himself firmly, this is just an apparition of Pearna. It's not real.

She certainly looked real, her face pleading.

"Carson, come to me, please..."

Beckett shook his head, heart pounding. "No, you're not real, you're not..."

"Carson, please..."

Beckett shook his head slightly again, transfixed by the image in front of him. Hesitantly, he took a step forward. "You're just a - a "

A firm hand wrapped itself around Carson's arm, stopping him in midstep.

"Carson, don't listen."

McKay's voice half-shook Carson from his reverie.

"Rodney," he whispered, still staring at the apparition, which was growing far too close for comfort. "Rodney, what do I do?"

"Carson..."

There was a moment of silence, then-"Shut your eyes."

"I - I can't."

Another moment of silence, then Carson found himself suddenly being spun around, until he was facing McKay.

"Carson, listen to me, and listen well," McKay said sternly. "This - ghost - is not Perna. Perna is gone. You have to move on, or else there's no way you're going to win this fight."

"I - I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because - Because -" The next words burst out of Carson's mouth like a dam unblocked. "Because I let her die! I sat there and watched her die, and it was ALL MY FAULT!"

He was yelling, he knew it, but he didn't care. "I'm the one that came up with the breakthrough in the formula, I'm the one that let them do all that human testing! I could have fought them at any time, just walked away, but I didn't!"

"Why not?"

The question, spoken so softly, so calmly, shocked Beckett into momentary silence.

"What?" he finally croaked.

"Why not?" McKay repeated. "Why didn't you walk away?"
"I - I - I wanted to find a way to defeat the Wraith," Beckett said finally, hanging his head. "And then - then it was too late. Then I wanted to try and save those people, but I - I - couldn't..."

Staring at the suddenly too-white snow, Beckett heard McKay sigh. "Carson, look at me."

Reluctantly, slowly, Beckett raised his head.

"There is nothing in this world, or any other world, for that matter, that I could say to make you feel better. I'm not going to tell you it wasn't your fault, because everyone involved has to take some blame. Even Perna - "

Beckett opened his mouth to argue, but was silenced by a look from McKay.

"Yes, even Perna. We all made mistakes, and we're all going to have to learn to live with them. But if you let yourself live in your mistakes, you're going to miss out on a lot of great opportunities."

Beckett shook his head. "I let them die." He insisted.

"No, you didn't. You made mistakes, yeah, but you didn't let them die." There was a pause. "Let her go, Carson."

Beckett swallowed hard, then nodded. The move seemed to drain all the strength out of his body, and Beckett sank to the ground, dimly aware of McKay's arms wrapping around him, lowering him gently.

Beckett leaned into McKay, burying his face in the other man's parka. He could feel the tears freezing to his cheeks as he sobbed. McKay didn't speak, just wrapped his arms around Beckett tighter.

Finally, Beckett ran out of tears, instead sitting quiet, huddled in the snow. McKay hadn't moved the entire time Beckett had been crying. Now, he said quietly, "I know it's hard, but - it will get better. I'll be here, and I'll help you through."

Beckett looked up. "Thanks," he whispered.

McKay hesitated a moment, looking slightly apprehensive, then leaned forward, giving a surprised Beckett a quick kiss on the forehead. "Don't mention it." Then he looked forward. "I think we'd better get moving again, before somebody gets hurt."
Beckett looked over. Sure enough, the casual snowball fight had turned into an all out snowball war - and it looked like Sheppard was losing.

Beckett chuckled and got to his feet, swiping at the last of his tears. "Yeah, we'd better get going. I want this bloody bug out of my neck."

McKay grinned, then jogged ahead, shouting something about suffering maturity levels to the Major.

Beckett knew it was mainly just a way to give him a moment to himself, and he appreciated McKay's concern. Especially since he really suddenly needed that time.

Slowly, hesitantly, Beckett raised his hand, lightly touching the spot on his forehead where McKay had kissed him. It was strange, totally out of character for the usually caustic Rodney - but somehow, it seemed right. Beckett sighed, watching as Sheppard and Ford both ganged up on the physicist, pelting him with snow. Rodney looked altogether too cute, as he ducked the assault.

Cute?

Oh...

Oh dear....