DISCLAIMER:

(There is a dramatic silence from the stage. Quiet organ music plays as a figure walks to the front of the stage wearing a red cloak. The lights turn on and we reveal that it is Vincent.)

Vincent: …

(Firefly99's voice from the wings yells, 'SIN!)

Vincent: …*scowls* I have come before you to say that – oh, what is the point.

(There is a click and the barrel of the Death Penalty pokes from out of the wings, pointed at Vincent's head)

Firefly99: CloudRox1, how the hell did you get that?

CloudRox1: You haven't heard of the joys of Steal materia then?

Firefly99: Uh…I'm just happy for you that it wasn't a mastered one with Mug.

Vincent: Might I suggest that you give the gun back before the demon growing within me loses his temper and flays you with my metal claws?

CloudRox1: (freezes) …uhhhh-ohhhhh…Ooooookkkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyy……

(She flips the gun to him. Vincent catches it and puts it back in his holster.)

Vincent: THANK you.

Firefly99: If you're done with all of this, just…pleeeease…make our special guest do the damn disclaimer.

CloudRox1: Oh yeah. (shouts)DEMON!

Vincent: …I have come before you to say that Firefly99 and CloudRox1 do not own FF7 no matter how much they wish to and are only using it for this fanfic. (pauses) Just what is this fanfic?

I have not yet read it.

(Firefly99 appears and hands him the manuscripts.)

Vincent:…(reading furiously) This is cruel, unusual and sadistic. I, Vincent, a chocobo? May you rot where I shall rot in my afterlife.

Firefly99: Umm…it's humour. You know. Funny.

Vincent: (both angry and confused) Funny?

Firefly99: Uh huh.

Vincent: I am the star of a comedy?

Firefly99: That's it.

Vincent: Must…restrain…angggggeeeeeerrrrrr…oh, someone explain the point. (Morphs into Chaos)

Chaos: RAHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

CloudRox1: (blanches) Ooooooooohhhh sh-(Chaos Chaos Sabres her unconscious)

Chaos: (in Vincent's voice) You have this on a PG rating, may I remind you that medium or strong profanity is banned.

Firefly99: Uh…OK…AYAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!(runs like hell)

Chaos: (in Vincent's voice) These people are scaring me.

(Curtains close)

CloudRox1's Voice: (from behind curtain) I was going to say 'shoot'…

^_^

Chapter 2

It can only get better from here…right?

"YUFFIE!!"

"What! I didn't do anything!" Yuffie screamed at him. "It's like, a new breed! Or something…" To be honest, she didn't know exactly how it got here, but it looked a lot like Vincent – well, like he would if he had feathers and a beak and junk.

"Well, whadd'ya call THIS, then??" Cloud gestured towards the chocobo. "Wh-what happened to its leg?" Instantly, he glared at Yuffie. "You didn't have anything to do with it, did you?"

"Heyy! No way would I injure one of Leviathan's creatures, so poor and defenceless and stuff!! Cloooud!!" Yuffie whined at him, hoping that he'd give up and go away. Hopefully with a migraine.

Cloud just gave her a cynical look.

Quoth the chocobo; "Warrakwark".

What…what has happened? To me? My…voice…

"Vinnie?" asked Yuffie, spinning around on her heel.

Refrain from calling me that frivolous name.

"Don't change the subject!"

Yuffie stared, blinking uselessly at the spot where Vincent's voice had come from. It happened to be precisely at the spot where the black chocobo was staring back, and possibly…glowering?

Nah, thought Yuffie. Chocobos can't glower. They don't have the right bits in their face or something like that.

"Yuffie? YUFFIE! Stop staring at the poor thing, I'm sure it feels bad enough already."

Yuffie turned towards Cloud, eyes wide. "But - he - but the choco - Vincent said - ARGH!!" She shook her head, took a deep breath, and tried again. "I heard Vinnie say somethin', but the-"

"Shut up."

Even when he was telling her off, Cloud's voice was just the dreamiest…GAAH! Please, hormones, not right now! I have to concentrate on hating him! Yuffie mentally screamed.

{Screw you, woman. You get ta grow up when WE say so! And, right now, it's time to PARRR-TAY!!!} responded her hormones, or at least she imagined they did. They seemed pretty nasty and uncooperative anyway - only ever giving her hopeless crushes on Cloud or serious PMT. Teenagerdom sucks.

"Look, I'm not in the mood for a big fight here. Just tell me what happened and I promise not to get too mad."

Yuffie breathed in and out a few times, like her father always told her to do when she got too mad to insult anyone. "O..kay. I…kindafedVinnieamateria-welded-together-thingy and – stop glaring at me like that! – there is, for some reason, a huge, big, black, mean, choco-freakin'-bo in this room. And WHAT did I TELL you about the GLAR-ING?"

"…"

"So, I've got, like, nil theories on how this happened."

"…You expect me to believe that." Cloud said flatly. "Your lies are getting worse and worse. At least make them believable. I'm not stupid."

At this point, Yuffie was torn between saying three things.

1) "OH yeah!? You're NOT stupid? Sure did a good job of foolin' me…

2) "But I'm telling the TRUUUTH!!"

3) "Um…Cloudy, this may be bad timing, but…I love you. In fact, since you found me in the forest, I have thought of nothing else but you. Just lookin' at you; your spiky yet silky hair, your gorgeous, penetrating blue eyes, your slim, sexy form, your soft, smooth voice, makes me feel sort of tingly inside…Cloud, I believe we are meant to be…"

Unfortunately, she never actually got to say any of these, because, at that very moment;

Yuffie? What did you do to me? What have I done, oh Lord God? Why did I deserve such treatment? Have I not already tried to repent? Surely my sins are not extreme enough to justify a … transformation of this sort…

"THERE IT WAS AGAIN!! Didja hear it? Didja? Didja? Huh? Huh…? You didn't hear it, didja? Oh…Well, at least say you believe me, right? You hear voices in YOUR head! You know what I'm goin' through…"

"…I'm not even going to justify that with an answer."

"H- HEY! I plead insanity!"

"I agree. Now, go have a nice lie down, and then you can tell me all about it, hmm?"

"What? During the lie down? With ya sharing the bed?" Yuffie said, before her brain could catch up. GAH! What the HELL did I say…that…for! Now he KNOWS!! All about my…feelings!! Eeep!

"What?"

"Notta thing."

Cloud looked sceptically at her.

"Are you OK to find your way to bed, or will you hear a voice telling you to go sleep in a bush tonight?"

Yuffie went pale. "Err. I guess that…heh heh…depends on what the voice is thinking." She realised how stupid this sounded, and added on, "Perhaps it's, like, a faerie hovering over me and giving me superpowers!" This, she realised, sounded even worse.

"Yuffie, seriously, I think you need some rest. Have you been taking Hypers again?"

Yuffie sighed. This wasn't what he was supposed to say. He was meant to say something more along the lines of:

"Yuffie, are you sure you're alright? Do you think it's Jenova trying to drive you mad? How about I take care of you until she stops?"

Or, even better:

"Yuffie, seriously, you look really out of it tonight. Maybe a little…hmm…mouth-to-mouth session would get you feelin' better than ever."

Ohhhh, YEAH. Boo-yaka!!

"Yuffie? YUFFIE! HELLO! Is there anyone home?" Cloud snapped his fingers in front of Yuffie's zoned-out face.

She jerked out of her dream world (reluctantly) and wiped the strand of drool off her chin.

"Gee-yah? Wha-ha-uooh?"

"Right. Bed. Rest. You. NOW."

"Fine, fine, just, uh…" She glanced at the chocobo. Vincent's voice had come from it, and it looked somewhat like him, and it had responded when she'd called his name…Oohhh, Leviathan crap. "Um, can I take the 'bo with me?"

"Why?"

Yuffie gave him a smile that she hoped was Secretive and Mysterious, with a good side order of Sexy. "The voices in my head told me to."

Will Cloud and Yuffie get together? Will Vincent and Yuffie get together – unexpectedly? Is the person who Yuffie ends up with the only thing that interests anyone? Find out in the next exciting instalment of: Swallowing Materia can be Hazardous to your Health!!

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A.N: Sorry it took so long to upload!! We had a MAJOR case of Writer's Block! It is becoming an epidemic! Please, if you have not had immunisation, refrain from approaching anyone infected.

            - This author's note was sponsored by The Fanfiction Author's Physical and Mental Heath Association. -

Thanks to all our reviewers for being so patient! Oh yeah, and may we just stress that all OOCness is entirely deliberate and should be considered an attempt to break away from confines of characterisation. Free your mind, man.

Please review! We know it makes no sense, but it's only being written for fun. Plus, there might be a few hidden surprises coming along! And perhaps a spot of CloudxYuffie, if the feeling grabs us…*biiig Clouffie shippers*

So, c'mon! Click the happy button! Even if you hate this fic. It's our only way of knowing if anyone's reading this thing!