Swallowing Materia can be Hazardous to your Health
By CloudRox1 and Firefly99
DISCLAIMER:
Firefly99: What the – I OWN HIM!! MUHAHAHAHA!! *reveals Cloud, bound, gagged, and shirtless.*
CloudRox1: *walks in* Oh lordy, not again…
Cloud: Mmmmmp!! Mmm-mmm-ppmm!! *struggles futily*
Firefly99: *hugs him happily* Mmmm… Cloudy…
CloudRox1: *shrugs* whatever… *hugs Cloud too*
Key: (so as to avoid confusion)
"Speech, but you knew that."
Vincent's thoughtspeech, but you guessed that.
~ Chaos, only audible to Vincent. ~
{Products of Yuffie's overactive imagination.}
Thoughts, or occasionally extreme emphasis, but you probably already had that one figured.
% Galian Beast, only audible to Vincent. %
# Death Gigas, only audible to Vincent. #
///Hellmasker, only audible to Vincent.///
Chapter 3
Chocobos, Chaos and A Whole Lotta Revelations
"Right," snarled Yuffie. "You are gonna explain to me what's going on. You are going to explain it to me in the simplest language you can – NO gothic monologues. Got that?"
…
Yuffie took a deep breath, reclining on the bed that she was sitting on. "…Oh God. Be wordy, but only…use…words…that…I…have a hope in the seven reaches of Hell…of understand-ing. OK?" The patronising tone she used there, she realised, was gonna really put the wind up him, if he really was Vinnie.
Good!
Do not patronise me. I am not stupid. As to your question, I know no more about this than you do. All I know is that it is YOUR FAULT.
"Hmmph," Yuffie growled. "Well, just one thing."
She took one more glance at him. He made a very good-looking chocobo, to be honest. (Not that her fetishes were that strange.) But he looked like the sort of chocobo that would be on television in a documentary about how to care for them. His feathers were the glossiest, healthiest, nightmare-black feathers that Yuffie had ever laid eyes on, and his metal leg looked like it was made of much better quality metal than his human equivalent, to be honest. The only problem was his eyes. They were big. They were red. They were honestly the scariest pair of eyes since Sephiroth. And they were on a chocobo. Yuffie gulped.
"Well, y' see…" she began, "I can understand you. Cloud can't seem to. And, before you ask, he's not the type to play dumb. So, what's going on? Ex-PLAIN!"
I have already told you that I do not know anything about this.
~ Howdy, Vinnie! ~ squawked a voice in Vincent's head.
Oh Lord…It is you, is it not? Chaos…
~ Yep. Me me me. Hellmasker helped me tap in, and Galian Beast ripped a couple of tendons, but hey, I'm the mastermind here! ~
Yuffie blinked. What the heck is going on? Did he say something about Chaos? Perhaps the best scenario would be to sit down and shut up until he was finished arguing with his inner voice. Grudgingly, she did so.
Chaos. I ask you as an equal; why…her?
He means Lucrecia, right? thought Yuffie to herself. Gah. Talk about a one-track mind.
Cloudy! squealed a much more entertaining thought-voice, so she settled down to fantasise.
~ You see me as an equal? I'm touched. If you could see my eyes, they would be brimming. ~
Do not try to avoid the subject.
~ I'm not. ~
Yes, you are. Now, tell me why you are broadcasting MY thoughts…to…her.
If Yuffie had been eavesdropping, she would have thought it didn't sound like Lucrecia was the 'her' and been pretty interested. However, her mind was floating on a Cloud at the time, and so she wasn't.
~ Shan't. My secret. Nyah! ~
Chaos, tell me this; How old are you exactly?
~ Older than you, Sunny Vin! ~
Never call me that again, or I shall release all my suppressed rage by visualising pain, torture and blood – all yours.
~ God, no need to be like that… ~
How can a demon invoke the name of the Lord?
~ Oh, shut up. ~
...Yuffie?
{Yuffie, enrobed in a green – no, red, red with loads of gold trimmings and junk – kimono, lies back on the bed, leaning on the soft satin – ah, what the hell. Silk. It's my imagination, no expense spared! – pillow, letting the shoulder of the robe spill sexily down her arm. Oh yeah. And Yuffie was older...with longer legs, a slimmer waist, a much, much more gorgeous face, and WAAAAYY BIGGER BOOBS THAN TIFA!! – No, waitaminute, I'd probably become too top-heavy to move...OK. Just big boobs.
At that moment, an Adonis enters the room – Cloud, with that gorgeous wild hair flowing like spun gold – wait, does spun gold even flow? And if it's spiky hair, then... Oh, whatever. It looks mindnumbingly sexy. He is dressed in... um...black spandex and a bow tie. No, wait. That's bad even for Cloud, and kinda unsexy. How about...his usual outfit, but in black. And plenty more of those cute strappy things around his waist, arms and neck. Drool.
"For you, my sweet one. It is nothing to your beauteous...um...beauty..." Dream-Cloud says, producing a flower out of his... umm, not many pockets in that outfit...how about – producing a flower out of God Knows Where!! and presenting it to her.
Yuffie takes the flower, which is a rose – no, that's overdone. How about a daffodil? – and sniffs it – do daffodils even HAVE a scent? Well, they do now. - It smells beautiful. She smiles up at his too-handsome-for-a-mortal-man face.
"Look, I can't think of any more mushy crap right now. Why don't you think of something?"
"Hey," says Dream-Cloud, laughing with his gorgeous deep throaty laugh, "I'm just a dream, remember? I only can think of things you've already come up with."
Yuffie pauses, and then begins to undo the silken – yay for silk! - obi on her kimono.
"I can think of this thing..." she says in her grown-up-Yuffie voice. Which, may I add, is sweet as Aeris', sultry as Tifa's, but SOMEHOW STILL MANAGES TO SOUND LIKE HER OWN!!
"Me too!" Dream-Cloud sits down with her on the four-poster, silken-sheeted bed and puts his big, muscular arm around her slender shoulders.
"Wow, Cloud. You really...do...love me?"
"Yeah. I love you, Yuffie."
Wait a minute. Cloud'd never actually say that out loud, even if he meant it. Change that last bit to;
"Wow, Cloud. You really...do...love me?"
"Less talkin', more action!"
And then, Dream-Cloud - }
Yuffie! I have been calling for the last twenty-three minutes. Are you still alive?
"Oh, Cloudy – HEY!!! What the – ARGH!! You woke me at the absolute super-crucial point!! I feel so unclean for having to think up all that romantic slush and NOT EVEN GETTING TO SEE THE – ahh – CLIMAX!!!"
...Your mind is...uncannily disturbed if you meant what I believe you meant.
"Heyyy. Don't blame that on me. Blame it on the HORMONES!"
{Suuure. Blame it on US. Wait a sec. Hey, Ginger, where did you put the vodka? What, the WHOLE BOTTLE??! Even the ones on my DOORSTEP??! OH my &$*%$*%$ GOD!! Oh, um...Well, Goofy Yuffie, it's your own lookout if your mind's a twisted, pornographic mess. – No!! NOT the Playchemical magazines!! It had a special article with the Capillary Cells!! You ^%$*^!!}
Yuffie decided she should forget about giving her hormones a personality, because it was becoming too disturbing; even for her. And THAT was saying something.
"OK. I am seriously disturbed by my own mind. Criticism accepted. So...What were we talking about again?"
...I called you, because I have a lead on why you can understand me. You understand; I argued with Chaos for some time, and I was able to arrive at a conclusion.
"Hmm." Yuffie groaned. This wasn't as fun as her fantasy. She'd have to carry that on in her spare time later on. "So...spill."
Simply explained, he was incredibly reluctant to give any information, and so I assume this is mostly of his doing.
"Uh-huh, and 'mostly'?"
You were the one who force-fed me that thing. And, naturally, because transforming does not happen spontaneously, I assume that your foodstuff, or whatever it happened to be, was the catalyst that triggered my transformation.
"Guh?"
Basically put, it…was…all – your – fault.
"H – HEY! That's slander, that! Slander! I could get you SUED!!"
Hmm. I believe the police and all lawyers are out to find and arrest us terrorists. Besides, is it even legal to take up a case against a chocobo communicating by telepathy?
Yuffie rolled her eyes.
"What-ever. So, Chaos has something to do with this, and we don't have a CLUE
what it is. Right?"
~ Hah, hah! Talk about stating the obvious. Yep. It's me, me, me, OK? ~
Vincent was the only one who could hear this, so he decided that it was his duty to speak for him.
He says it was all, quote, 'him, him, him'. Unquote.
"Huh. Whatever. So, it's all 'him, him, him', then?" giggled Yuffie. She was enjoying annoying him.
~ You do realise how stupid that sounded, right Vinnie? ~
Quiet yourself.
~ No. Lalalalalalalalalalala! ~
Vincent gouged his talon into the carpeting with stress.
Yuffie, there is no way to force a demon to reveal a secret that he does not will.
"Hmm..." thought Yuffie, chewing her fingernail with deep ponderence. "Um. How about I can reveal one of my own? In the strictest confidence, 'course."
Yes, that may work. I believe that demons are rather large gossip fiends.
~ HEY! I'm right here, you know! ~
Yuffie grimaced. This was turning into one hell of a mixed blessing... "So, is he for it?"
~...uh...oh...Alright, but only if her secret's juicy enough. ~
He says that it is alright. However, your secret must be – ahem – 'juicy', as you say.
Yuffie groaned. "OK, Vinnie. Since Cha' (she pronounced it, 'kay') is hearing through your ears, you're gonna have to listen up."
~ Cool! I have a nickname! I feel loved... ~
...Yes, we are both ready.
~ Truth time. Where, what and who with? ~
He says, 'where, what and who with', said Vincent, wishing he was human and able to blush.
Yuffie cringed.
What the HELL am I supposed to say!? Um...How about Ye Old 'I-fancy-so-and-so' Truth or Dare Standby? Nah, too overdone, too obvious by half, and NO WAY am I saying a thing about my innermost feelings for Cloud to a demonic pervert! I need detail! Um, there was that thing with Tifa's bras and the cement mixer... no, nonono. Too risky. Or would that be too risqué? Heh, I made a pun! Yay for me! – but no time to think about that. Quick. Need a story. Storystorystooory...there's that one I got away with in that game of Truth or Dare, with Aeris – NO! NO WAY am I saying THAT one again!!
HELP!
~ Is she just gonna sit there, or am I gonna hear a cringy story already?? ~
He wishes for you to hurry.
"OK," Yuffie whimpered. "I fancy Cloud."
Damn it! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!! I thought I was gonna do the one with Tifa's bras!!
~.....no duh. I knew THAT. You wanna know mine, I wanna know something I don't already. ~
He says that he already knows.
"Dih!! I mean – ! Buh –! HOW??!"
~ The whole deal with the waking-up-from-a-catatonic-state-saying-"Oh Cloudy" had something to do with it. ~
I am not even going to repeat that last statement.
"What? What did he say??"
...
"OK. You want juicy? I'll GIVE you juicy." Yuffie took such a deep breath she nearly fainted. "Um...well...when I was...uh, like, y'know, nine..."
~ This had better be good enough to make up for that last disappointment. Oh, and Vinnie, don't think you're gonna get away with censoring me. ~
...
"Welllllll, it was, like, y'know, just near the end of the Wutai War. So, y'know, the town was loaded with cute samurai. Ya know where this is headed?"
~ OK, now I'm interested. ~
"Well, I had this crush on a specific one. He, uh, his name was Yoshinori something-or-other. Well, OK, I was nine, but that don't mean I couldn't end up with a twenty-two-year-old warrior. Besides, my sexual fantasies at that time were more of the Disney-style-censored kinda thing."
~ OK, losing interest fast with all the babbling. Tell her to get going! ~
He says he is losing interest.
"Ok, OK. So he is gorgeous. Never lost a single fight in his life. This is, obviously, obvious, seeing as if samurai lose a fight they have to commit suicide, but – y'know, whatever. And here I am, maaaaajor crush on him. Am I boring you?"
~ Nooooo.... ~
He is saying 'no' in a sarcastic manner.
"Ok, it gets juicy soon, 'k? Promise. Well, I was absolutely desperate to win his adoration, and plus I had some pretty neat skills, even back then. Able to impress any guy, even a trained killer. So, basically, the next major Shinra v. Wutai battle there was, I entered the fray, following Yoshinori something-or-other onto the field."
~ OK, no SO bored, but it BETTER get...uh...better. And juicier. If you wanna hear mine. ~
He wishes you to make your story more interesting, but he is enjoying it.
~ STOP CENSORING ME!!! That does it. I'm clawing a tendon. ~
I was not censoring you, Chaos. I was merely rephrasing what you said.
~ Whatever. And I'm still gonna claw your brain. But I hope you like deep pink, 'cos I've redecorated in here. ~
...
"Interesting, huh? Well, I, of course, started to tag along behind him, waving my shuriken at things, yelling out random bravado, y'know the drill. And he..." Yuffie cringed as she relived the memory, "he stroked my head, told me I was a 'sweet little girl, but shouldn't you go home and not get involved in the big scary fighting? Because you might get hurt, and we don't want that to happen, do we? And, if you really want to fight," here her face became contorted with shame and agony, "why don't you set a game up with your dollies?' "
~....~
Chaos is speechless. This is a definite first.
~ Shut up! I am SO going to rip your brain. ~
I take that back, Chaos. But are you enjoying the story?
~ Well.....It's certainly funny! ~
He says it is funny.
"I'll give you funny! - Uh, yeah. So, of course, I was really mad at this, and I chopped one of his fingers off. His left, middle finger, I think. It was fun. But anyway, I ran into the fight, desperate to prove that I wasn't just a little kidlet. Well, anyway, I came across this Shinra SOLDIER, and he said that he couldn't kill a kid no matter what the General said, and told me to go home and play with my dollies."
~ what, again? Geez, this is starting to get old... ~
He says this story is starting to get old.
"HEY! Well, this is the good bit. I decided I would go home and play with dollies – my voodoo dollies."
~ OK, voodoo? You seriously expect me to believe this kid can do voodoo? Give me a break. Just because I'm only three thousand, one hundred and twenty-six doesn't mean I'm naïve. ~
He doubts that you could do voodoo. He says that he is three thousand, one hundred and twenty-six, and despite his comparative youth, he is not naïve.
"Huh? Well, anyway, I made these little wooden dolls out of wood. I gave them little papery hair made out of paper, and inked on eyes with an ink pen. I also wrote the names on the back of who they were supposed to be; 'Unnamed SOLDIER', 'Yoshinori Something-or-other' and 'Dad', just because of my entire life up 'till then. This was because they weren't that well made, right, and I wanted the gods to recognise them. It's called annotation. I learned that word during a little stint of reading the dictionary so I could beat Tifa at Scrabble."
~ Getting boring again. Stop yappering. ~
He says the story is getting boring again and he wishes you to be less loquacious.
"Iiii'm not even gonna pretend I knew what that last word meant, but...boring? Well, anyway, instead of using pins like most voodoo-ists, I decided to stick them all on the top floor of the Royal Pagoda and set fire to them. You can see the problem with this already, huh Cha'?"
~ Oooh! Ooh!! Audience participation!!! OK....OK....uh, you can't get up to the top, right? Whad'd I win? ~
He says that he likes audience participation. He says that the problem is that it is difficult to ascend to the top floor. He also wishes to enquire if there is a prize, and, if he gets one, what it is.
~ Yeah! There's always at LEAST a lollipop. AT LEAST. ~
He says that he will feel cheated if you award him less than a lollipop.
"Well, sorry Cha', no prizes for ya this time, because the problem is this; Wutaian buildings are made out of paper and wood. Both of which are compleeeeetely flammable."
~ ...You don't deserve an audience like me to participate with you. ~
He says that he believes himself greater than you, and that you are undeserving of call and response participation with him.
~ Uh, yeah. Something like that. ~
He confirms my accuracy.
"Well, so I throw around a lot of petrol just to light it GOOD, and then set a match to it. Bam. The voodoo dolls, and the entire city, goes up in flames in a cloud of slightly greasy smoke. But, d'ya wanna hear the most cringe-worthy bit?"
~ GET ON WITH IT, WOMAN!!!! ~
He tells you to 'commence, sexually mature female'.
"Ooookay. I'm takin' that as a yes. So, because I'm the High Lord's daughter, despite the fact I was at the scene of the crime – I don't get blamed!! But, can you guess who did?"
~ No more Audience participation. You don't deserve it. ~
He states the negative.
"Uh, that means no, right? Just checking..."
Yes. It means no.
"It was Yoshinori something-or-other!! You see, I chopped off a finger, and they guessed that he lost it causing the fire. But, the absolute worst bit was that without a stronghold, Wutai was completely destroyed by the Shinra. So I guess that's my fault that Wutai lost the war. But I'm NOT gonna let that cramp my style!! And, and, I've never told anyone this before, see? Because I'd lose the little honour I have!! So, don't tell anyone. Especially Spiky-brains."
///Could you repeat that please?///
Spiky-brains.
///Right. Thank you. OK Chaos, it should be online by nightfall.///
What should be online?
///This story. Hi, by the way. Hellmasker here. I'm the only demon who can write. So I took notes.///
Must you all unite to conquer my soul? Let me be, foul spawn of sin!!
% No. %
# No. #
///No.///
~ No. But did that analogy just remind you of a video game we played once? ~
If u WaNnt To sEE ClOuD AliV U SneD Us fIfTeEN PiKTuReS oFf CluD ShErtLez.
