Swallowing Materia Can Be Hazardous To Your Health
By CloudRox1 and Firefly99
DISCLAIMER:
Firefly99: ::looking very gloomy and dabbing at her eyes with a tissue:: We have some sad news for you. It appears that someone had alerted the authorities on our ownership of MY CWOUDY-WOUDY and they came and took him back. All we have left of him is this lock of hair I got while he was sleeping... ::holds up a medium-sized spike and sobs::
::A loud bang is heard from somewhere in the distance::
Firefly99: ::snapping out of it:: Whu?
CloudRox1: ::comes in, blackened and grinning like a loony::
Firefly99: Why are YOU so happy alluva sudden? Don't you miss OUR CWOUDY-WOUDY?
CloudRox1: Nope! I've got THIS!
Firefly99: ::going pale:: Er...what??
CloudRox1: ::steps to the side revealing a rather bewildered looking...Cloud?::
Firefly99: DUUUUDE!
CloudRox1: THE CLONING MACHINE I STOLE FROM HOJO WOOOOORRRRRKKKKSSSS!!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Firefly99: Whooo-hoo! ::points to Cloud Clone #2:: Can I have that one?
CloudRox1: OK! I can always make more!
Firefly99: ::in love:: Hee hee! Cloudy, you're my boyfriend now and I want to do some fun things with you!! First of all you can take me on a date, and then we can… ::continues drivelling about her dream date with him::
Cloud Clone #2: Pardon? Je ne pas parle Anglais…
CloudRox1: oops.
Firefly99: Wellll…ehp…French accents are sexxxxxxy!! SQUEEEEEE!!! hugs him
CloudRox1: Yours is French? Mine's GERMAN!
Cloud Clone #1: Um… ::blinks:: Ich kann nicht spreche english.
CloudRox1: OK, back to the proverbial drawing board. ::stomps off towards the clone machine room::
Chapter 5
"OK. OK," Yuffie hissed. ARGH!! How the HELL am I gonna explain this!!? "Well, you see...Remember that thing about Tifa's bras and the cement mixer?" Well, perhaps she could distract him...
"Yes. Is that what you told Chaos?"
"No."
"Well, what does it have to do with this conversation?" Cloud took a sip of RedXIII's headache remedy that Yuffie had got for him. It tasted like horse pee (except three times more bitter), but he could feel his headache lifting already.
"Er…well…"
"I'm waiting."
"Fine, fine then," Yuffie whined at exactly the frequency that made Cloud's ears buzz like a badly tuned radio. Not that she knew this of course, but-
"Spill," Cloud said, leaning back into the chair and folding his arms arrogantly, a gesture that Zack used to do when he was trying to get Cloud to do his homework for him.
"Well. Right. Funny story really…I did a – a – an experiment with….materia."
"I don't like where this is heading…" Cloud forced back some more of the headache cure, and tried not to shudder. It actually was working better than he had hoped. He'd have to ask Red what he'd put in it.
"You know that welding equipment that Cid uses to repair holes in the Highwind? Well, I thought I'd try that out."
Cloud shook his head. (And the headache returns…)
"So, I got out some materia – uh, NOT YOURS though – and started…messing around with it."
"…You welded some materia together. Why?"
"Why? Um…hehehe, funny story…it seemed like a good idea at the tiiiime…or something." To be completely honest, Yuffie wasn't sure herself why she'd done it. But she didn't want to admit that to her Heaven's Cloud. He already thought she was crazy.
"Right. So, you made some kind of – some kind of über-materia –"
"Uh, über? What kinda language is that?" Yuffie said, trying hopelessly to change the subject.
"Nibel. From back before Midgarian became the official language of everywhere. But that," Cloud spat out a herb that had somehow missed the filter, "isn't the point."
"Uh? What is then? I'm sorry, I forgot what we were talking about so bye-bye – "
With SOLDIER reflexes, Cloud's hand shot out and grabbed her wrist. He made extra-special effort to squeeze the pressure point there. Back in the SOLDIER academy, he'd once done an extra-credit paper on pressure points – for Zack.
"OW! What the hell are you DOING?"
"I could ask you the same thing. You haven't told me anything."
"And I don't plan on doing that," the shinobi hissed, furiously trying to free her wrist. "Now get the frickin' hell off me so I can make a break for it!"
"We had a deal." Cloud's voice was calm, but he squeezed ever-so-slightly harder.
"I'm a thief! I have no moral code of honour- OOHAAAGH! Right, right, you win."
"So. Explain what happened in words of three syllables or less."
"So, you know the materia? Well-ll-ll, I…fedittoVincent to see what would happen-"
"You…did…what…" Cloud said, in the dead tone of someone who is certain that they're the only sane one in a particular group.
"Yeah. Didn't I tell you that? You weren't listening, weren't you?"
He hadn't. But he had to appear the Kind, Considerate and Noble Leader. So he opened his mouth.
"I was listening," he began, but at Yuffie's look, decided to be more honest. "It was just at that point I genuinely believed you were insane." She glared even more. Sadistically happy that he had the power to annoy her for once, he carried on with an evil grin. "Actually, correct that last statement. The jury's still out on your sanity, at this current time."
Now she was pissed off, Cloud noted with barely-masked glee. Finally he managed to force his grin off his face, and reverted to his usual moody leader expression. He had to admit it was more comfortable anyway. He was sure his smile muscles had atrophied or something.
"Well, thanks a lot!!" hissed the ninja. "I start being honest, and THIS is the response I GET??"
Cloud drained the last of the headache remedy. The dregs were hundreds of times more bitter than the rest of the drink had been. He tried not to make a face.
"Well, I still think you're hallucinating or something. There's no way that any materia on the planet could transform someone into a chocobo. A frog, maybe, but definitely not," he said, making a grand gesture with his hands, "a chocobo."
"Why're you waving your hands around? Anyway, I'm tellin' the truth for once. But yeah, Transform materia does ring a few bells…ummmm…"
Cloud gave a heavy sigh as Yuffie's eyes rolled to the ceiling, trying to think.
"Riiight…um-um-um…Transform materia..? Errm…uh…ummm…"
"Oh, Lord…"
Cloud's headache was starting back in full force. He had to fix this once and for all. Or, at the very least, work out what the HELL was actually going on so he could do something about it.
"Look," he said, holding his head. "Just tell me what materia you used. Then, we can get some advice from someone smarter than us-"
"NO!" Yuffie shrieked.
There was a silence as Cloud gazed at her with those unrelenting, piercingly blue eyes. Yuffie felt an incredible urge to curl up into a little ball in the corner, alternately crying with fear and begging Cloud for a date.
"You're the Mr. Leader Guy, right?" she finally said, weakly.
"...That's not it. I can tell. Why do you REALLY not want me to say anything to anyone else?"
"No. That's it. It's YOUR job to sort out this mess."
"Riight. Just like it was MY fault that this whole mess started-"
"You SHUT UP, BLONDIE!!"
"THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!!!"
"SHUT YOUR NOISEHOLE, MAKO MUTANT!!"
"WHY DON'T YOU, MISS ROB-AND-RUN?"
"CACTUS HAIR!!"
"FEATHERS-FOR-BRAINS!"
"YOU CAN TALK, MR. I'M-SO-COOL-'CAUSE-I-CAN-HANDLE-A-GIANT-MEATCLEAVER!!"
"AT LEAST I DON'T FIGHT WITH SPIKED FRISBEES, YOU KLEPTOMANIAC!!"
"POINTY-HAIRED DOLT!"
"HYPERACTIVE BRAT!"
"SOLDIER WANNABE!"
"NINJA WANNABE!"
"HUMAN PETRI DISH!"
A long, deafening silence rang out.
Cloud took a deep breath. He hadn't shouted that loudly in seven years. Normally, he had to speak really softly so that people would listen, even when he was angry. He swallowed. Yuffie's nose was practically touching his.
Kinky, thought Yuffie.
This chapter was meant to be longer, but we decided to end it there instead. We'd also like to apologise to A. Nonymous III Esq. for stealing her AE format for the slanging match.
Firelfy99: I'd also like to apologise for making Cloud so moody in this and the last chapter.
CloudRox1: ::blackened, staring at the long line of Clouds:: OK, let's see. We've got Chinese, Japanese, French, German, Swedish, Portugese, Turkish, Swahili, Latin, Oppish, Cockney Dialect, Dutch, Double Dutch, Greek, Italian and Al Bhed, but STILL NO ENGLISH! ARRGH! ::thumps head on a random desk::
Al Bhed Cloud: ::sarcastic:: Cunno du pudran oui…
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