Disclaimer:
I do not own the rights to Fruits Basket or anything pertaining to
the manga or anime. The characters, places, etc... are not mine, nor
do I lay any claim on them. This is not an attempt to infringe on any
rights or copyrights, as this is purely for entertainment.
Authors
Note: The first chapter of the story. I am sorry for any mistakes. If
you see one, pleas let me know. I like to be able to fix them. I can
re-read my own work a hundred times, and still miss something that
would otherwise be glaringly obvious, because I concentrate too much
on the incongruent plot and weak subject matter. Help me? :)
Title: 'Autumn'
Author: Evie Gunn
Rating: R rated for language and adult/sexual situations
Series: Fruits Basket
Pairings: Haru x Kyou
Genre: ?
Archive: If you like... just tell me where. I'm inclined to be a pessimist, so I doubt anyone would want to, but hey...
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Autumn
Chapter 1: Wandering Backward
I was lost. Cynically, I thought how typical it was for me to lose my way. It was easy to drift, wander into the forest of my thoughts so completely, that when I did find my way through the tangle of memories and contemplation, I was unsure where exactly my feet had led me. I swallowed the irrational anger that hung thick in my throat and sighed. Late evening had progressed into early night, and I could not recognize a single tree or stone along the path. Giving up, I sank to the ground and leaned my back against an unfamiliar stump.
I mused on autumn, the season of red and gold, silently thanking the heavens for the mild weather. Leaves drifted down toward the hardening ground and I shifted my position, reaching out my hand to drag a handful of the dying brush closer. Each held a completely different shade, a unique flush of red or gold suffusing the veined leaf. Oddly, it reminded me of my childhood. When I was young, I'd fallen in love with leaves for an entire season. I collected them, choosing from each pile or scattering as if I could only take one. The most unique, the most colorful, most perfect... the oddest shaped leaf. I'd carry them home and pin them to my ceiling, and then I'd lie in bed, staring at the canopy of leaves that hung above me. Eventually, they began to crumble, drifting down in pieces to cover everything. I didn't mind. By autumn's end, my ceiling was again as white as the winter sky.
The wind picked up, scattering the leaves, and the rustling of the dry, dead flora filled the air with its quiet rush. It was in the midst of the rustle that I heard another noise, the soft footsteps of someone following the path. I couldn't find it in myself to care whom it was, and though I was lost, I had already decided not to ask directions. I was content to remain so, surrounded by soft dark and the rustle of leaves. I closed my eyes and began to drift once again, back to childhood.
"Idiot." A voice ripped through the quiet, and though the voice was soft and the tone low, it shattered the peaceful air of my moment. I slipped one eye open, glancing in the general direction of the voice. I could barely make out the features of the other person in the dark, but I knew who it was. I allowed my eyes to close once again and returned to my drifting.
He stood there for a long time, probably attempting to burn a hole through my skull with his glare, but I didn't let it shatter my peace. When he finally did speak again, I could hear the anger he barely attempted to bite back.
"Get up." Kyou's demanding voice did not faze me, and I continued to relax against my stump. I would not be bated into a fight, despite the fact that he seemed to be itching for one. "Don't ignore me." His voice was nearly a hiss. I smiled at him through the dark and wondered idly what had sparked his anger.
"I'm happy where I am." I told him quietly. I could feel him bristling as if he were fused with electricity, tiny bolts zipping from him in every direction.
"I don't care. Get up, you stupid cow." His voice grew louder and he began moving close to me. I waited patiently for the feel of his fist tangling in my hair, for the pain of being yanked from comfort to stand before him. I waited for the fight.
His sigh was so quiet I almost didn't catch it. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He struggled to appear angry, but it seemed as if he was loosing the battle. I wondered absently what exactly had happened to draw him into such an easily defeated mood. It was unlike Kyou to simply give up without a fight, even metaphorically. I sat up and scooted backward until my back was pressed to the stump, and crossed my arms on my chest.
"I'm tired." I commented absently. I could think of little else to say.
"Well then get up and lets go." Kyou demanded, his agitation leaking into the words with volume. He was angry again, his mood heating at what he perceived was my stupidity or absentmindedness. I could only smile in return. "What's wrong with you, you idiot?" His voice reminded me of a growl.
"There is nothing wrong with me. I like it here." I tried to see through the darkness, straining to piece together his angry face in my mind and clear my vision with it, but I could not see very well in the dark. Kyou, on the other hand, I knew, could see quite well, despite the lack of light.
"Fine. Stay here." His flippant remark was absent of anger for once, and I knitted my brows in response, confused again at his easily diminished anger. A leaf drifted to land in my lap and I picked it up, twirling it between my fingers by the stem, and then returned my gaze to his direction. Kyou sighed again and turned to leave.
"I never noticed before." I commented quietly to Kyou's back. I looked at the leaf in my hand, barely able to discern the color, and then back up at him.
"What the hell are you talking about?" He didn't seem at all interested, but he stopped and turned around, staring back at me through the dark.
"They're all your colors." I knew he was confused.
"Idiot. Why can't you just answer the question?" His voice was biting again.
"I did answer the question." I smiled at him. Kyou scowled at me.
"Fine then, what are 'all my colors'?" He demanded, mocking me.
"Now, that's a different question entirely." I waited for his anger.
"Idiot. I'm leaving. You can either follow me to Shigure's, or stay out here and rot for all I care!" Kyou's words spent like exasperation and I chuckled.
"Autumn." I smiled, twirling the leaf again. "The colors are all yours. Red, gold, and all the shades in between." I shrugged to myself. I never noticed before, but if the gods had assigned colors to people, Kyou's would definitely be the shades of autumn. Red-gold hair, ruby eyes, gold skin. He blended in. Like nature. I suppose it's the nature of cats. I knitted my brows in thought. Perhaps the gods did assign colors, and that was what I hadn't noticed before.
"You never make any sense." Kyou sighed and slumped his shoulders. He looked almost as if his will had been washed away. "I'm tired." His voice was soft and came out almost weak.
"Will you wait with me a while?" I asked.
"What? What for?" His voice had returned to that angered volume I was used to.
"I don't feel like leaving just yet." I didn't explain any further. I leaned my head back, closing my eyes, not bothering to wait for his response.
My mind began wandering again almost instantly. I'd discovered long ago that I had a talent for disassociating myself with the present and reality, and so it was easy to lose myself in my thoughts. I easily lose track of time in that state, so I'm not sure if it was minutes or hours, or even seconds, before I heard the distinct sounds of Kyou taking a seat on the ground beside me. I looked over to find him sharing my stump, facing to my right, his back pressed to the wood. He tucked his chin to his chest and crossed his arms over his stomach. He sighed loudly, but I wasn't sure if it was in agitation or some semblance of defeat or sorrow. I rested my head against the dead trunk, my face tilted at an angle in which I could watch him. As easily readable as Kyou could be, I was thoroughly confused. His personality was somewhat enigmatic, despite the fact that he was emotionally an open book.
"Stop staring at me!" Kyou's voice broke my reverie and I jumped slightly. I hadn't noticed him turn to look at me, even though my eyes had been locked to him for quite some time.
"Sorry." I offered him my apologies.
"Are you ready to go yet? It's been nearly an hour." Kyou stood from the ground, dusting himself off angrily. I stood slowly, shaking my coat free of the few leaves that clung to the material. I nodded at him slightly and he began walking, his pace less than patient.
I wasn't as far from a familiar place as I initially thought. In less than ten minutes of walking, we arrived at Shigure's home. Kyou pointed me toward the phone once we were inside, demanding that I call Hatori to take me home. After a few insults, he left me alone in the hall and loudly made his way up the stairs. I couldn't help but frown at the immaturity of the action. Kyou could at once seem like a grown man, and an immature child. It seemed each side of him warred with the other, fighting to take precedence. His extreme emotions brought out a child-like defiance and rivalry, while another part fought to control those emotions. When he balled his fists, biting back the emotional outburst, desperately trying not to shout, it revealed a glimpse of the man he would some day be when he reigned in his insecurities and emotions. I smiled at the thought, although I had to admit I would miss the brash and easily bated Kyou.
Hatori informed me that he had something to take care off, but as soon as he was finished he would come and get me. I thanked him and slipped into the other room, taking a seat at the table. A stack of cards had been left out on the table and I reached for them, sliding them to rest in front of me. I shuffled them absently, thinking once again of autumn. I set the cards aside and ran my fingers through my hair. It was warm so close to the kotatsu, and I shrugged my jacket off, letting it fall to the floor. I picked the cards up from the table once again, turning each over, face up on the table. I tried guessing what each card would be; failing each time another card was turned. I sighed to myself and dropped the cards back onto the table and lay back on the floor. The ceiling above me was whitewashed, and it reminded me of my room, after the leaves had fallen.
"You're still here." Kyou's voice was flat and unamused. I wondered if he truly despised my company, or if his harsh manner was only a mask he wore, keeping people at arms length. My silence often did that, as well as my 'black' personality; a weapon of sorts. It pushed people away before they could do the same to me. I figured it was probably the same for Kyou. Hiding all his hurt beneath anger, instead of allowing someone the opportunity to hurt him again. All people use that device to some degree.
"Hatori said it would be a while before he could come." I explained my lingering presence.
"Oh." His reply was uninterested. I rolled my head to look up at him. Kyou was standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame. He looked as if he wanted company, but was denying himself.
"Would you like to play cards?" I asked, not really wanting to play, but offering him a reason to escape being alone.
"Why would I want to play cards with you, you stupid cow? You probably can't remember how to play anyway." His words lacked the venom he'd meant them to have. I frowned at him and sat up.
"You know, Kyou... I'm not stupid, neither am I forgetful." I commented, still frowning. Kyou's expression flashed with guilt, but was quickly replaced with a cynical smirk.
"Then how do you manage to get lost so often? And for three days, no less!" Kyou's words were meant to hurt my feelings, to spark me into wanting to fight. I shrugged.
"I don't pay attention. When I get lost in thought, I forget about everything else." I shrugged at him again. "Sometimes, when I finally start paying attention again, I've already wandered too far and I don't know where I am. And since I'm usually lost in thought on the way, I never remember any landmarks." It was a simple explanation, and the truth. I didn't forget things I was familiar with, and when I paid attention, it was easy enough to get to and from a place once I've done it a few times.
"Stupid cow. You should pay more attention then. It would save me a lot of grief." Kyou's words were again mild. I wondered if the grief he meant was the aggravation of having to search for me, or something else entirely.
"Grief? You worry about me Kyou?" I asked, smirking at him in amusement. I secretly hoped it was true, even though I knew that he would never admit to giving a damn about anyone regardless.
"No, jackass! I just hate always being forced to drop everything and go look for you." As he spoke, Kyou's words lost their fire and drifted into something that sounded quite softer. I didn't respond to his comment, instead I watched him silently as he flopped down gracelessly at the table across from me.
"So, do you want to play cards?" I asked him again.
"No, can't you just shut up?" Kyou very nearly mocked me as he answered my question with one of his own.
"No." I responded. He stared at me across the table, again trying overly much to appear angry. It wasn't working. He only looked tired.
"Stupid cow." He mumbled the insult as he rested his head against his arms on the table. We sat in silence for a while; Kyou's head resting on the table and I staring at the top of his head.
"I've been wanting to apologize..." My words came without a thought. "I didn't really understand what I did until years later." I paused. "Children have a only a vague concept of betrayal." I nodded to myself, feeling I'd explained myself clearly enough. I'd felt regret for a long time, and I'd been waiting for the right time to apologize to Kyou for years. However, every other time I'd sought him out for this purpose over the years, we'd always managed to end up fighting. Kyou sighed.
"What in the hell are you talking about?" His voice was muffled, quiet and with a sleepy edge. He didn't even lift his head from the table.
"I remember, when we were kids..." I leaned over resting my elbows on the table and setting my chin in my hands, still staring at Kyou. "We used to be friends. We both hated him."
"Stupid fucking rat..." Kyou mumbled the curse into the table but didn't lift his head.
"I looked up to you, you were teaching me how to fight... and you hated him just as much as me. We both suffered because of him." I trailed off for a moment, thinking back. Even now, I could feel the anger and resentment beneath the surface. I dropped one of my hands to the table. My fingers drummed the wood, almost touching Kyou's red-gold hair. "But when I finally met him, he was much different than I thought. He was... nice to me. He..." I shook my head. I was such a child then, so... simply human. "He gave me a reason to let it all go. He was so passive, innocent seeming. He made me wonder, for the first time, if maybe the mouse didn't use the cow. He made me wonder if perhaps it was friendship, or even love, that led the cow to allow the mouse to ride on his back." I stopped for the moment.
"That's fucking stupid, Haru." Kyou's voice was acid and I watched his hand ball into a fist.
"Perhaps, but at the time, that's how I saw it. I was confused. My enemy seemed so unlike any enemy I had created in my mind, and he'd given me a reason to let all the anger and frustration and hate just drift away. I didn't want to believe the cow was 'stupid', and so I clung to that tiny little reason like a life line." I sighed and Kyou grumbled into the table. I reached my hand out and absently touched his hair. He didn't seem to notice. "And so, from that moment on, I decided to change the role of the cow, from a dimwit who was betrayed by a conniving mouse, to a friend who, out of mutual love, had given his friend a helping hand." My fingers twirled in his hair and I mused on how soft it was.
"You still believe that..."Kyou's words were both a statement and a question. His voice was low, as if he were half asleep.
"No, not exactly." I replied quietly. I leaned further over the table and stroked his hair more boldly. " I think..." I frowned at the table. "I think now, it's more that I believe that the cow was being a friend, and even if the mouse was using him, it's no reason to return the ill intent."
"But you 'love' Yuki." Kyou sounded almost... bitter.
"I thought I did. For a long time. But I realized, over time, that it was just my humanity, grasping for something to compensate for what I thought was the ugliness in me. Yuki was so beautiful, and I thought I was a stupid monster." Kyou flinched at the word and I pulled my hand away, allowing it to rest on the table. "I wanted to be like him, beautiful, special. But I realized, too, that I never could. I have a third side. Not just Human, not just a cursed Sohma, but also a hideous monster that would rise to the surface. 'Black'..." I stopped there. Kyou was shaking, it was almost imperceptible. I was unsure if it was anger or another more painful emotion.
Silence reigned over us for a long time and I found myself wondering if Kyou had fallen asleep. I heard a faint thumping noise echo from down the hall and I could hear the sound of amused clapping. Shigure's voice followed the noise in a singsong parody, he was chanting happily about something, but I couldn't quite make out what it was. I was sure it had something to do with the book he was writing and I wondered if it was a serious novel, or one of his more racy romance stories. I pushed the thought aside and focused again on Kyou. My fingers were again tangled in his hair, and again, he seemed not to notice.
"I'll always hate Yuki, no matter what ridiculous excuse anyone gives me." Kyou's words were angry, but the sleepy tone took the edge off. I wondered if perhaps he truly had dozed off for a few moments.
"I know." I shrugged. I wouldn't expect him to forgive Yuki for whatever personal injustice the other had issued Kyou. I also didn't expect the cat to forgive the mouse. My fingers twisted through his hair softly, and Kyou seemed to be drifting to sleep. "I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry."
"For what?" He spat, lifting his head to stare at me. I let my hand fall to the tabletop and he glared at it accusingly. "No, wait, I don't care." He flopped his head back down on his arms, attempting to end the conversation.
"I'm sorry for abandoning you. We were only kids, and I was too busy trying to find my way out of all of that ugliness to realize that I was leaving you alone. It must have felt as if Yuki took yet another thing away from you. In all honesty, he did." I shook my head.
"You didn't abandon... I didn't care, and I still don't! Who would waste their time feeling abandoned by a stupid fuckin brat like you anyway?" Kyou lifted his head to glare defiantly at me, his back arched in anger, his fingers curled like claws, digging into the edge of the table. He stared at me, willing his spite to burn me.
"Even if you didn't care, and still don't... I do. I care, because I left you, my best friend, to chase after someone, to idolize someone who to this day doesn't even care a tiny shred for me." Kyou still glared at me. "I abandoned the first person who showed me something other than indifference or pity, the first person that showed me love in favor of a cold little star that would never come close enough for me to reach." I let my other hand drop to the table and laced my fingers together.
"What do you mean 'love'? I didn't love you! You were just some stupid brat I had to help all the time! An idiot cow that couldn't even find the bathroom!" His anger seethed at being accused of caring for someone. It hurt to hear him say those things, but I deserved it. All the years that had gone by, he'd never even said a cruel word to me about it, and I'd never apologized, never even realized what I'd done. I deserved it. I was a stupid cow.
"You can hit me if you like. I won't go 'Black'." I told him. It was a stupid thing to say, but the words fell from my lips before I could think how immature they were. Before I realized how sad they truly sounded.
Kyou stared at me for a moment, perhaps contemplating whether he should hit me or not. In the end, his shoulders slumped and he sighed. His eyes seemed sadder somehow, without that flame of anger there to reflect his fiery temper. Again, his head fell to the table. I tucked my arms to me and crossed them on the table, resting my chin on them. I was surprised that we'd not fought at all that day. It nearly worried me that Kyou hadn't struck out at me yet, and I nearly itched for a fight, if just to reassure myself that there was nothing wrong with the cat.
I stared at the top of Kyou's head for a long time before snaking my hand out again to play with his hair. I didn't even attempt to hide what I was doing as I tangled my fingers through his red-gold locks. The tips of my fingers brushed across his scalp, combing his hair with my hand. I was petting him, threading his hair between each digit and letting it fall back into place. For a long time, he didn't respond, and so I continued. I figured he was either ignoring me, enjoying it, or he'd fallen asleep and the cat in him didn't particularly despise being petted. Kyou's head rolled to the side and I noticed that his eyes were closed, his face twisted in an unreadable expression. I sighed and brushed the hair from his forehead, trailing my fingers through his hair and over his scalp. In an instant he shot up, back arched in offended despise.
"What the fuck are you doing? Don't touch me!" He shouted, nearly knocking the table over in his quick rise. I fell backwards in surprise, landing on my back. Kyou looked down on me, his face red, whether stained with a blush or simply anger, I wasn't sure. His breath was somewhat ragged and his eyes nearly blazed, but only for a short instant. It was as much of a shock to seem him simply slip back into that tiredness so quickly. I was expecting him to beat me half to death or bolt from the room. Instead, he just stood there, anger and energy draining from him right before my eyes. I sat back up at the table again, brows furrowed in confusion.
I heard a car pull into the driveway and realized quite a bit of time had gone by. Hatori had arrived to pick me up and I stood slowly, lifting my coat from the floor. As I slipped it on, a leaf fell to the floor. I stared at it for a moment before bending to pick it up. I twirled the reddish colored leaf by the stem and smiled to myself. It was very close to the color of those blazing eyes that stared so intently at me.
"I fell in love with leaves once. I had a rather beautiful assortment tacked to my ceiling for an entire season." I commented. I wasn't exactly talking to Kyou.
"So." His reply was short and annoyed.
"The red ones always were my favorites." I told him as he slipped back to the floor to rest at the kotatsu. He shrugged as he laid his head again on his arms, resting himself on the table. Musing over the new realization, I wondered if it had been coincidence, or if somewhere in my mind, I had made that connection between the colors even back then, and that was the reason I'd fallen in love with the dead flora in the first place. Had it reminded me of Kyou, even when my child's fickle heart had all but forgotten him? I shrugged. It didn't matter. I realized, right now, autumn reminded me of Kyou, simple as that. I laid the leaf on the table near Kyou's hand and bid him goodnight. Kyou mumbled into the table in reply and I headed toward the door.
The entire ride home, both Hatori and I were silent. It was only when we arrived back at Sohma House that Hatori spoke. He asked me if my 'Black' side had surfaced while I was at Shigure's, if I and Kyou had fought. I shook my head in response and he frowned, seemingly slightly confused. A moment later he suggested that perhaps Kyou and I had gotten along, and I nodded, confirming the assumption. Hatori uttered a noncommittal noise, as if thoughtful, and bowed his head to me, wishing me goodnight. I nodded to him, returning the sentiment.
I took a seat on the edge of the porch, crouching on the lowest step. I thought back to my discussion with Kyou. Years of wandering, losing myself and my way, and tonight, it had brought me back to the very beginning. I thought to myself how I'd only told Kyou half of the story. My present half. There was still another piece. The angry piece. Another half that had wanted to destroy the 'rat', defeat him, win against him, regardless of the way in which that battle was won. Another half that hated Yuki for the very same reason I'd ever bothered to idolize him, the half that never really believed any of the pretty little lies that made the mouse seem so perfect. 'Black' Haru hated Yuki, he was resentful and angry, and harbored the pain of what the rat had done to the cow. 'Black' Haru never betrayed Kyou. I wondered when that half of me would surface, and if that half would ever get the chance, or even want to, explain the other side to Kyou. I wished for a moment that I could be two people at once, and listen in on that discussion.
I laughed softly to myself and reached down to a small pile of leaves. I pushed them about with my fingers, searching for that one that stood out. I found a particularly large leaf, it's color a stain that bled from pale gold to deep crimson at the opposite end. I nodded to myself, stood from my seat and climbed the steps to enter the house. The walk to my room was short, and I shrugged off my coat along the way. Tossing my jacket over the back of my chair, I closed my bedroom door behind me and looked up at my ceiling. The pins were still there. For years, I'd never bothered to take them out of the ceiling. I crossed my room to where my futon lay and looked up once again. I pulled a pin from the ceiling and pressed the leaf to the white washed 'sky' above me, shoving the tack through the center. As I lay down to sleep, I stared up at the leaf tacked above me and wondered if I'd fallen in love with leaves again.
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A/N: I doubt many will read this, and even fewer people will like it... however. For those who, by chance, do... if you feel the desire to comment, please... let me know how I can make this worth reading. I do not mean to waste anyone's time, so should I bother continuing this at all?
2: edited 'that' mistake. Flora/fauna. I knew it didn't seem right, and I should have known better than to ask my roommate Jenn to be a thesaurus. laughs So, thanks SelahSpinshadow
