Chapter
Six
"Hi
Ray how do you feel?" Peter asked mid afternoon on
Saturday.
Ray looked up at him, and shrugged.
"Kay,"
he muttered, Ray had slowly begun talking to them
about
a day and a half ago, he had seen Lydia once since then, and
she
had told Nick that she got more out of him everyday.
"You
get to go home, Nick says your fever is gone partner,
so
let's get you dressed and ready to go home, okay?" Peter
said
touched
his friend's back and hand.
"Kay,"
Ray said. Peter nodded and slowly helped his friend
sit
up, Maggie walked in carrying a suit case.
"We
brought you clothes, I'll be outside waiting for the
papers,
just relax okay,"
"Kay,"
Ray whispered, it was all he had been saying lately,
not
much more, obviously he still had reservations about
certain
things.
"Okay,
think you can sit up the rest of the way for me, good
boy,
now slowly turn with me. No hold onto my shoulders, I'm going
to
put my hands on your waist and pull, stand up slowly okay."
"Kay,"
he whispered again. Peter slowly pulled Ray towards
him,
off the bed, as his feet gently hit the floor, they stood for
a
moment,
Ray's hands on Peter's shoulders, tightly gripping them,
Peter's
arms around Ray's waist holding him up, as his wobbly legs
attempted
to hold him up.
"Atta
boy, how do you feel?" Peter asked.
"Kay,
can...can you help me....get dressed?" Peter nodded, Ray
had
been having problems with shaking ever since he woke up, he
couldn't
even write his own name yet. The guys had been helping him
do
things, he'd been walking the past two days, but his legs had
been
so shaky they had stopped very soon.
"Sure
thing pal, let's get your gown off," he whispered.
Taking
the gown off, Ray stood clad in only his Ghostbuster boxers,
Peter
smiles at him, and grabbed a shirt.
"Brought
your favorite sweatshirt, here," Peter said gently
helping
Ray put it on, Ray quickly latched back onto Peter. Tears
suddenly
filled Ray's eyes.
"Ray,
buddy what's wrong?" Peter asked, Ray stepped forward
and
nearly collapsed into Peter's arms, bringing both men to the
floor
slowly, Ray curled into Peter's arms, still thinner and shaky
Ray
began to sob into Peter's arms.
"Shh,
shh, it's okay, I'm here, Uncle Petey's here now, it's
okay,
talk to Peter, come on Ray. It's safe partner," whispered
Peter
into Ray's ears. His friend buried his head into his shoulder
and
sobbed his heart out, his breathing becoming raged.
"Take
deep slow breaths Ray, shh," Peter ran his hand
through
Ray's hair and down the back of his neck.
"Scared...I...panic
attacks....I never had them before Peter,
why,"
Ray moaned quietly.
"Shh,
Ray listen to me, you have had a horrible terrible
experience,
you're going to be afraid, you're going to be scared,
it's
okay Ray. It's normal to have these problems, these nightmares
you
have nearly every night are normal, the panic attack your having
is
normal, the terror you feel in your heart is perfectly normal.
We
love
you Raymond, we love and adore you with our hearts, and all
our
souls,
we're going to get you through this, I know you're afraid and
that
you feel afraid to go home, not knowing what awaits you there,
but
I'll tell you now, you'll be safer there than anywhere else."
"I
don't feel normal, I don't...feel like Ray," whimpered Ray.
"I
know buddy, I know, I understand you don't feel like
yourself,
Ray you may never feel like yourself again. It could take
awhile,
but your still Ray somewhere in there. Do you hear me,
Raymond
Francis Stanz, we know you are in there, you're still our
buddy,
nothing will change, I hope you understand that Raymond,"
Peter
whispered, he touched Ray's face as he pulled him away gently
and
looked into his eyes.
"I
love you Ray, you're the best baby brother a kid could
ever
ask for," he whispered. Ray nodded, breathing slowing
down.
"Peter,
please don't...don't leave me, I don't wanna stop
being
a Ghostbuster, I wanna be....I wanna be Ray again,"
he
whispered.
Peter pulled him close again and kissed the younger man's
cheek
gently.
"I
know buddy, and you'll be Ray forever, we'll never leave
you
buddy."
"Help
me get my pants on Peter," Peter chuckled and smiled.
"You
and me Ray, I've watched you grow from that innocent
college
boy to a strong young man, stick with me Ray, and you'll
never
be lost again," he whispered. Ray smiled and nodded,
hugging
Peter
again.
Peter
helped Ray down into the wheelchair, Egon smiled and
patted
Ray on the shoulder.
"Hey
Ray, how do you feel today," Egon asked, he and Winston
had
brought the Ecto, all of them thinking that if Ray was around
his
family and friends he would feel better.
"Okay,
better," he whispered.
"Good,
let's get you home buddy," Peter said. Maggie smiled
and
stepped beside Ray, and gently held his hand as Peter pushed
this
wheel chair, a nurse came over and smiled at Ray.
"Good
luck Raymond, you come back and visit but not as a
patient,"
she said. Ray smiled.
"Thanks
Carla," he whispered. Lydia came over and smiled at
him.
"Now,
Ray, I'll call you, I expect to see you once every
week,
but you can call me if you need to talk more or want to skip
one
okay," Lydia said kissing his cheek.
"Sure
thing Lydia, thanks," Ray said, trying to smile.
"Take
your time Ray, things will come in time."
"I
know, thanks for all your help Lydia," Ray said
smiling
softly.
"You
are more than welcome my friend. See you next week."
Chapter
Seven
Maggie
smiled as she sat down beside Peter, Raymond was
upstairs
sleeping, Winston was reading a book watching over him, and
Egon
was taking a shower.
"Sweetheart?"
She asked gently. Peter looked up at his
loving
mother, his mind telling him just how lucky he was to have a
woman
like him in his life.
"Are
you okay?" She asked.
"Mom,
do...do you still believe in God?" He asked. Maggie
looked
at him, slightly taken by surprise.
"I
never stopped Peter. I'm sorry you did honey. I
understand
you've had many problems with your father, but don't turn
that
on God. He didn't make you father the way he is, your father
made
himself that way. God doesn't leave like your father."
"This
whole incident has made me really question things mom.
I
haven't done that since grandpa died. We never really talk
about
faith,
the four of us. I know Winston believes in God, but I don't
know
about the rest of us."
"Raymond
does honey, he always has, he has his doubts, like
anyone,
but he believes in God with all of his heart."
"How
do you know that?"
"Remember
the night we found out about Ray's childhood?"
1978
Maggie
was surprised at the light coming from the small
kitchen.
Ray sat at the kitchen table, a cup of tea in front of
him.
"Raymond?"
She felt guilty when the younger man jumped
slightly.
"Sorry,
I didn't mean to startle you," he shrugged. She
could
suddenly see what Peter and Egon meant by shy and quiet.
However,
she knew that years from now her son and Egon could easily
change
that.
"Would
you like to talk about it? I know that sometimes it's
probably
harder to talk to Peter and Egon, especially since they're
not
the best when it comes to talking about emotions and such."
"I
was ten, almost eleven. I was supposed to be going to my
very
first sleep over. Dad didn't really want me going, but I argued
and
finally got my way. We were in a hurry, I don't know one minute
I
was being told to be good, the next I woke up in the hospital
with
Aunt
Lois telling me that my folks were dead. Two weeks later I was
living
with foster parents. I learned quickly learned that next to
their
real children, you aren't near as important. You're nothing
more
than a stranger living in their house and living off their
money.
I was smart, but no one ever bothered telling me that, well
one
person told me, but he was the only one. When I got to high
school,
only one person ever told me he was so proud, I was alone
on
graduation
day, no party, no friends nothing. I was an out cast in a
small
town where everyone knew what everyone else did. I got all
these
scholarships, even a little money from someone special, to
help
me out, but I've always been alone, until now," looking
up
Maggie
saw he was crying, so was she.
"Ray,
do the boys know any of this?" Ray shook his head no.
"For
the first few years, I cursed God, I hated him. Then I
began
to pray for help, I was losing myself too quickly, loosing who
I
was. I don't really understand religion, and I don't really have
one,
but I know better than to not believe in something I can't see.
I
know he's there, I just...sometimes I wish I had died too,"
he
whispered.
"I'll
never be your mother, but I'd really like to help heal
that
large hole?" Ray looked at her, swiping at his eyes, a
useless
attempt
as the tears came faster. Maggie was up and holding him as
he
sobbed in her arms.
"Its
okay honey," she whispered running a hand through
his
hair.
"He
never told us, explains why he's so taken to you
though,"
Whispered Peter.
"This
isn't your fault son, so don't play like it is. You
three
always talk about Ray having a horrible guilt, but you all
have
it. You love each other, of course you are going to hurt, don't
let
your anger develop into hate son. We saw what hate can lead
to."
"We've
got it good don't we mom."
"Yes,
you boys have it very good."
Egon
sat in the chair, a physics book in his lap, but he
wasn't
reading it, he was watching over his best friend. Egon's mind
was
still whirling, he admitted he had yet to get much sleep,
nightmares
plaguing everyone's sleep lately. He knew Austin was
dead,
but did that mean it was the last they'd see of him.
"'Gon?"
Ray's sleepy voice snapped Egon from his present
thoughts.
"I'm
right here Raymond."
"How....you
doing?" He asked weakly.
"I
should be asking you that question," stated Egon.
"Depends
on what you're talkin' bout." Ray muttered, it was
obvious
he was still very weak, but he was getting better.
"Ray,
I'm fine," insisted Egon.
"Liar,
I'm not Peter, but I know you just as well. It wasn't
your
fault Egon, I wasn't even with it half the time. I always knew
you
were there, you kept me alive Egon."
"Ray..."
"No,
you were careful, for once we all were. Nothing you
could
have done, would have changed what happened, or how. I never
thanked
you for everything you did."
"I
was afraid Ray, I'm not very good with emotions, but I
knew
what I was feeling every time you slept or lost consciousness,
I
was afraid that I'd be the one to break it to the guys you were
dead.
That I'd have to break Peter's heart. That I would never be
able
to talk to you again, have someone who always understands me,
the
younger brother I always needed. I'm supposed to be levelheaded
Ray,
the calm one. I'm the one who can usually keep my head in
any
situation."
"Egon,
you and I both know that you can't always be perfect.
I
understand Egon, believe me I'm supposed to be enthusiastic,
but
there
are times when all I think is shit, we're gonna die."
"Ray..."
"Egon,
let it go, I know it's hard, I understand that, me
most
of all, because I'm still dealing with everything going on, but
if
you don't let this go, and deal with what has happened, you'll
drive
yourself insane. It's hard, and it was a terrible experience,
I
can't begin to imagine how it felt to watch me go through that,
but
it's time to just let it go." Egon looked at Raymond and
smiled.
"Sometimes
we take you for granted, I realized that, you are
always
so bright and smart, none of us realize you probably have
your
bad days just as well as us. You're always the first one to
offer
sympathy, and love, last one to anger, and always there to
help.
Sometimes we don't really see how smart you are, or how
talented
you are. I'm sorry Raymond, for not seeing the man you
are,"
Egon whispered.
"It's
okay Eggy, I understand, you guys see me always so
excited
so happy, that's what I want you to see, I make sure you
don't
see anything less. We're a team Egon, we form together a
whole.
Your our brains, we expect you to do our thinking for us, we
expect
you to come up with these ingenious ideas and use them to
defeat
whoever it is, we expect you to be the rock at all times, to
show
no emotion, because that's what we're used to. Winston is our
back
bone, he supports us, we need that from him, the comforting
hand
on our shoulder, the easy tone, the wisdom he gives us every
time
we ask. To love us just the way we are, but to be fun to be
around
too. Peter is the soul, we expect him to be there emotionally
for
us, when we're really hurting we expect to talk to him, to know
how
much he cares, we expect him to be the tough one too. How many
times
do we look at Peter waiting for him to react in some way
badly.
Or Me, Peter claims I'm the heart of the team, I'm the youth,
I
keep you guys going through tough times with my optimism,"
Egon
remained
silent.
"That's
not who we are Egon, well I mean, it is, but it
isn't
either. Think about it Egon, you're not someone who never
feels.
In fact you probably feel more than us most of the time.
When
something
happens to one of us you feel responsible, because you're
the
brains of the operation. Winston isn't always comforting,
sometimes
he makes us face hard cold facts, that we don't want to
face.
Peter isn't hot tempered all the time, in fact we all know
he's
the nicest guy we know, and that he would stop the world for
a
friend.
We can't be what everyone expects us to be all the time
Egon,
because if we were, there wouldn't be anything to love
anymore.
We love Peter because of who he is and who he isn't. We
love
that ego of his because we know there's more to him than just
a
swollen
head. I love you Egon because there is more to you than just
brains,
there's a heart of gold, that's why you've become the only
family
I've ever had. I couldn't live without you guys, and I
wouldn't
want to."
"Thank
you Raymond, I needed that more than you may ever
know,"
Ray smiled up at his friend.
"Believe
me Egon, I know you need it, because I need it too."
Chapter
Eight
"You
should be sleeping, you need your rest," came Maggie's
soft
voice. Ray smiled from where he sat at the kitchen table. It
was
nearing midnight, Maggie had been unable to sleep and had
decided
to get a cup of tea.
"I
know," he muttered as she sat down across from him in
the
kitchen.
"So
what's got you wound up?" She asked gently.
"If
I didn't know any better Mrs. Venkman, I'd you you're
more
of an angel than a mother," Ray stated smiling.
"I'm
both...obviously you must be feeling better," Maggie
stated
chuckling.
"I'm
amazingly tired and a little weak, but I'm alive, and
shall
remain that way, for at least a few more years," he
said
smiling.
"How
about something to eat?"
"That
would be great," Ray stated as she got up.
"So,
why couldn't you sleep?"
"Images,
I can't get some of the scarier things out of my
mind.
I guess I still don't fully understand why someone could
become
so angry and frustrated that they'd want to do such a
horrible
thing. Peter says I always see the good things in people,
Lydia
says sometimes it's understandable to be afraid at this point,
to
be worried about what happens next."
"Don't
trouble yourself with trying Ray, Men like Austin
have
no good in them."
"Why,
that's what I don't really understand, maybe I should
by
now, but everyone has some good in them...don't they?"
"Ray
that's what they love, your innocence. No, Ray some
people
are just mad."
"But
how? Why?"
"I
don't know Ray, I don't think they even know. Now
lets..."
"Mrs....Maggie,
are the guys angry with me?" The questions
stopped
her dead in her tracks.
"Where
on earth did you get such an idea?"
"Well,
Peter, I think they're hiding something, Winston
isn't
talking much, and Egon was avoiding me up until like
yesterday."
"No
Ray, come here sweetheart," Ray buried his head in her
shoulder,
she sighed and rocked him gently in her arms.
"Egon
Franklin Spengler!" the tone caused Egon to wince,
Peter
tried not to laugh. As Janine and Maggie stood there
"Yes
Janine?"
"Should
I leave," Peter joked looking up.
"Oh
no young man, Winston don't move, we're calling a staff
meeting
now," Maggie stated.
"Staff!?
You aren't even on staff," Peter stated, not
knowing
why he would ever say such a thing to his mother.
"Peter
Charles you will close your mouth before I do it for
you.
I had a little talk Ray last night. Haven't you told him about
Austin
yet!" Maggie said annoyed.
"No
ma'am, I didn't feel the need to upset the kid."
"The
kid' now thinks you're hiding something. He isn't
stupid
Peter. He thinks you're hiding something from him, and he
thinks
all these problems are going to drive you away from him."
"That's
ridiculous," stated Egon.
"When
is the last time you really spoke to him, about normal
things?"
"He
still..."
"Weak,
that makes no difference, this is Ray. He's not
fragile
anymore, he hasn't been for years, he's strong."
"I
agree on this, he's stronger than we give him credit
for,"
Egon spoke.
"Ray
needs to know he's still Ray Stanz, he needs to know
that
no matter what he's still and always will be a Ghostbuster.
That
you guys are still friends and brother. He's scared, and he's
not
one to complain," spoke Maggie.
"We'd
never dump him," stated Peter.
"I
know that, and you guys know that, but maybe it's time to
reiterate
that to Raymond," stated Maggie.
"She's
right guys, no matter how we look at it, Ray's gone
through
at lot and we shouldn't and can't expect him to just bounce
right
back from this, Ray needs us," Winston spoke.
"Maybe
we should go talk to him now," said Egon.
"I
think that's a wonderful idea gentlemen," Janine
said
smiling.
"Ray,
we'd like to talk to you for a minute, if we could,"
Winston
asked gently coming towards the youngest buster. Ray looked
up
and saw Peter leaning in the doorway, Egon just behind him.
"Sure,"
Ray whispered. Peter realized how much better
Raymond
was looking, the color returning to his cheeks. Peter seated
himself
by Raymond's head, Egon at the foot of the bed, and Winston
standing
on his other side.
"About
what?" Ray asked, slightly worried. Peter smiled
and
sighed.
"Austin,
what he did to you, and Egon. The drugs, and how we
feel
about it, how you feel about it, how it's going to affect
the
Ghostbusters
in general," Peter spoke, an arm around the younger
man's
shoulders.
"Oh,
um...all right," Ray replied nervously.
"Ray,
what Austin did to you, it wasn't your fault, it
wasn't
Egon's fault. It was his fault and his goon's fault. You
understand
that don't you? Ray?" Peter gazed at the tense younger
man,
he hadn't realized things had gotten this bad.
"Yeah,
I never blamed you guys," murmured Ray.
"Ray,
we haven't really talked about this much, and maybe
it's
time we did. How do you feel about this entire situation
Ray?"
Winston
asked.
"I
don't know, tired...weak," Ray said.
"Raymond,
emotionally, how do you feel?"
"Playing
psychology again Eggy, I thought that was Peter's
job,"
Ray said smiling.
"Ray,
why don't you tell us how you feel about all of this,"
Peter
spoke.
"I
don't know...scared, I'm still scared. What...what if the
drugs
leave after affects. What if...what if I can't do the job
anymore?
I sat in the chair, always waiting, wishing for another
dose,
only wishing I could relive those past twelve years I had with
you
guys. All these thoughts running through my mind. What if you
blamed
me, what if you never found us? What were they doing to Egon?
What
had they done to you? What if you were dead, or Egon was dead
the
next time I was brought back downstairs. At one point I felt so
alone
that I wanted to die. I felt nothing keeping me alive. What
now,
what will happen if I can't handle my job anymore? I'm a
Ghostbuster,
it's who I've become, but I'm so scared that I may not
be
able to handle being alone anymore. I'm so afraid I'll be like
this
forever, a drug addict. Always craving one more hit, and you
won't
want me...ever again," the final words came out as a whimper
as
he
tried to curl into a ball, but Peter grabbed him gently before
he
could
seclude himself further.
"Listen
to me Ray, we're a family, and we'll always be a
family.
You must understand that by now," Peter said looking at
the
younger
man.
"I
can't stop busting, it would be worse than...than this,"
whimpered
Ray.
"Ray,
are you listening to Dr. Venkman? You will not stop
busting
until the rest of us do. Nothing on the face of this
planet...
correction,
plane of existence can take you from us, except death.
Since
you're still alive you're still going to bust."
"You
are the same Ray, you've always been this Ray, the only
difference
is now you're really hurting. Nothing can change who you
are,
not even Austin. You are and always will be Raymond Francis
Stanz;
Ghostbuster extraordinaire, and the heart to a team. You will
always
be our Ray," Egon spoke.
"We're
scared to m'man, we know drugs are dangerous, and
we're
afraid what they may do to you. But none of that can stop
you're
Ghostbusting days unless you let it. You can be in control of
this
Ray. I know it seems like you can right now, but it's going to
get
better everyday," Explained Ray.
"You
have nothing to fear anymore either Ray. Austin is
dead,
he died in prision a week ago. We didn't tell you because we
didn't
want to worry or upset you."
"How?"
"Murdered,"
Egon stated blankly, Peter smiled as Ray's eyes
began
to droop.
"Get
some rest Ray, we'll be here when you wake up," Peter
spoke
as he helped Ray lie down.
"'kay,
gonne be kay," whispered Ray. Peter nodded
straightening
the blankets.
"I
know buddy, we know. Rest Tex, you're not alone
anymore."
Epilogue
"He's
coming right at you Ray!" Screamed Peter, smiling. Ray
hurried
towards where Egon stood, near the trap, covered in slime,
but
wearing the largest smile they had seen in a long time.
"Watch
your self Ray!" Hollered Egon.
"Get
it Egon, the trap now!" yelled Ray, as he passed by,
Winston
and Peter's streams pulled away as the spirit lowered into
the
trap. Peter smiled and clapped Ray's slimy back.
Two
weeks Ray had been back in commission, and had just
recently
started working again on the busts. He was doing great, he
had
had a few problems the past few times, and Peter didn't doubt
this
was an easy bust. It had been the spirit of Austin, they had
just
caught him, condemning him to a afterlife in the
containment
unit.
"Nice
job Ray," Peter said as they walked into the firehouse
nearly
an hour later, Ray tried to smile, but Peter could see
something
was wrong.
"Thanks,
I'm gonna go take a shower," Ray whispered
running
upstairs.
"Maybe
someone should go talk to him," Janine said.
"It's
my turn," Whispered Winston as he followed the younger
man.
He
spotted Ray sitting near the bathroom, holding his head
in
his hands as he breathing rapid.
"You
okay buddy?"
"I...I'm
having a panic attack," Ray gasped.
"Take
deep breaths Ray, just try and calm down," Ray nodded
and
began to breath a little better.
"Ray,
we live, we experience, and we go one. The last part
is
what we have some control over. Don't let this completely change
who
you are, or what you're good at."
"I
wish I could feel sorry for him," whispered Ray.
"Why,
he doesn't deserve to be felt sorry for."
"I
know, that's why I don't."
"That
doesn't make you a bad person Raymond, it makes you a
human."
"I
don't feel very human right now."
"Well
that's because you're covered in blue slime, that
smells
really strange," Winston said smiling.
"Thanks
Winston," Winston smiled and helped Ray up to his
feet.
"You're
safe Ray, really you are," Winston spoke.
"I
know, it just may take a couple days to remember that."
Peter
smiled as he sat down beside Ray, the younger man
smiling
excitedly with the remote in his hand. Winston walked over
bringing
the pop corn, Egon with light beers.
"This
is a great movie, you guys will love it!" Ray
said
smiling.
"What's
it called again?" Asked Egon as he reached for the
box,
Winston sitting beside Ray. Egon chuckled and seated himself
between
the thin area of room between the couch arm, and Winston.
All
four squeezed onto the couch.
"Back
to the Future, staring Michael J. Fox," Ray
said
smiling.
"Sounds
good to me," Peter said smiling as he opened his
beer.
"To
love," Winston said holding up his can.
"To
teamwork," Peter responded placing his up as
well.
"Friendship,"
Egon said. Ray smiled and rose his.
"To
family," they smiled.
"Cheers,"
clinking their cans together they took a sip and
watched
the movie start as Michael J. Fox blew the amplifier up. Ray
looked
at his three best friends, his family and smiled as he sat
back
against Peter's shoulder and sighed.
