Chapter Eleven - The Witch Among Thorns Part 2
Stan had been travelling for three days until he found a tree in the middle of a large
thorn bush. And in the tree, there perched a bird singing beautifully.
"Beautifully! BEAUTIFULLY!!" sang the bird.
And then it began a song the was even lovelier...
"Even lovelier! EVEN LOVELIER!!"
But OH! JESUS CHRIST!! What was that horrible smell? You know that smell where
you get your socks and you're sick in them, and then you put them on and play football
for three weeks, and then you're sick in them again and then you stand in a dung heap
for a year. Well that smell smelt worse than THAT!!
But what Stan didn't know, was that this...was exactly...what a WITCH smelt like! In
fact he didn't even realise that there was a witch nearby, until he walked right into her.
"Oy! Gerroff! Watch where ya goin' ya useless piece of filth!" said the witch.
"Oh! I'm sorry, nice old lady." said Stan politely. Although he did wonder why a nice
old lady had orange eyes, a long goat's beard, blocks of wood in her mouth where her
teeth should have been and smelled like no one had cleaned out the lav for a year.
"Ya see that bird?" said the witch.
"Yes. Nice old lady."
"Well do me a favour and kill it would ya!"
Oh no! Stan couldn't kill another living thing. He wouldn't even wash spiders down
the plughole.
"I'm sorry, nice old lady, but I just can't do it." he said.
So the witch punched him. "You better do it or the worse it'll be for you! I'm bloody
hungry so it's either the bird or you that goes in my cooking pot!"
Stan was terrified by the old woman's threats but he still didn't want to kill the little
bird that was singing so gorgeously!
"SO GORGEOUSLY! SOOOOO GORGEOUSLYYYY!!!"
So Stan shot the branch in between the bird's legs so it would lose it's balance but not
get hurt. And the bird fluttered down and landed on a patch of soft moss in the middle
of the ominous thorn bush.
"HA!" laughed the witch "Thanks titch!" and she immediately began crawling under
the thorns, licking her warty lips expectantly.
"Hi little birdy wirdy! Lovely birdy wirdy! Come and get munched up by the lovely
old
witch! Hah ha that's me!"
Stan watched in horror as the witch got closer and closer to the bird. Then suddenly he
came up with a plan! He picked up his magic fiddle and began to play.
No sooner than when the first note had been played, the witch's legs shot up into the
air! And she began to dance a merry little jig in the middle of the treacherous thorn
bush.
"AHHH! OWWW! What the hell is going on?!" she shouted.
But Stan played on. By now the thorns were scratching and scraping the witch all
over. Her wooden dentures flew out and flew back in again upside down and bits of
her beard were already being ripped off!
"OWW! OWW! PLEASE HAVE MERCY! OWWWW that was serious!!!" howled
the witch.
But Stan still played on.
"PLEASE! PLEASE STOP! AND I'LL GIVE YOU A HUGE PURSE FULL OF
GOLD!!!"
That stopped him!
"ALL RIGHT!!" cried Stan happily "This must be my lucky day!"
Meanwhile
Hilarity, Trin and Jareth were trying to access the pirates secret headquarters which
was is situated in the back room of a manky old pub called the Rat and Parrot. They
were having little success at this as they did not know the secret password and
whenever they asked the guard on the door he insisted that it was a secret!
"Please let us in." said Hilarity "It's very important."
"Sorry miss. No password no entry." said the guard.
"Is it 'Ahoy there'?" the alien asked.
"No."
"Jolly Roger?"
"No."
"Shiver me timbers." Jareth suggested.
"No."
"Scurvy Dog?" said Trin.
"NO! Now bugger off and stop wasting my time!" said the guard.
"But we desperately need to see your leader!" said Jareth.
"Well that's your problem!" said the guard and shut the tiny hatch in the door that he
was poking his head out of.
"Well that was well though out, wasn't it!" said Jareth dripping with sarcasm.
"Well, I didn't see you having any better ideas!" said Hilarity angrily.
"Actually I do have a better idea." said the Goblin King "One of us insults that guard
to his face until he's ready to commit murder then when he comes out to beat that
person up the other two will rush past him and into the secret headquarters."
"You know. That's not half bad!" said Hilarity. She always relied on her friend when it
came to cheating and being downright sneaky. "Just one little problem though. Who's
going to insult him?"
"I vote for Trin!" said Jareth quickly.
"I vote for Trin too." said Hilarity.
"So do I." said a random drunk at the bar. He had nothing to do with the story but was
getting quite interested in what was going on.
"That's not fair!" cried Trin.
"How many times have we heard that one before?!" said Jareth sarcastically.
"Look I know I'm not the most reliable person in the world and I can't do magic or
parallel park a space ship or drink ten tequilas in a row and still stay conscious like
you guys." said Trin and took a deep breath "But I'm still a Zean being and I have
rights."
"Fine!" said Hilarity taking pity on her cousin. "We'll cut cards for it. Lowest card
goes. Ace counts as one."
She took out an old pack and began shuffling them in a very skilled and flamboyant
way. Hilarity used to as a black jack dealer at an adult theme park until she was fired
for counting cards.
Jareth went first. King of spades. Fitting.
Then came Hilarity. Three of diamonds.
Then is was Trin's turn. Things were getting close.... Two of clubs.
Bollocks!
Stan had been travelling for three days until he found a tree in the middle of a large
thorn bush. And in the tree, there perched a bird singing beautifully.
"Beautifully! BEAUTIFULLY!!" sang the bird.
And then it began a song the was even lovelier...
"Even lovelier! EVEN LOVELIER!!"
But OH! JESUS CHRIST!! What was that horrible smell? You know that smell where
you get your socks and you're sick in them, and then you put them on and play football
for three weeks, and then you're sick in them again and then you stand in a dung heap
for a year. Well that smell smelt worse than THAT!!
But what Stan didn't know, was that this...was exactly...what a WITCH smelt like! In
fact he didn't even realise that there was a witch nearby, until he walked right into her.
"Oy! Gerroff! Watch where ya goin' ya useless piece of filth!" said the witch.
"Oh! I'm sorry, nice old lady." said Stan politely. Although he did wonder why a nice
old lady had orange eyes, a long goat's beard, blocks of wood in her mouth where her
teeth should have been and smelled like no one had cleaned out the lav for a year.
"Ya see that bird?" said the witch.
"Yes. Nice old lady."
"Well do me a favour and kill it would ya!"
Oh no! Stan couldn't kill another living thing. He wouldn't even wash spiders down
the plughole.
"I'm sorry, nice old lady, but I just can't do it." he said.
So the witch punched him. "You better do it or the worse it'll be for you! I'm bloody
hungry so it's either the bird or you that goes in my cooking pot!"
Stan was terrified by the old woman's threats but he still didn't want to kill the little
bird that was singing so gorgeously!
"SO GORGEOUSLY! SOOOOO GORGEOUSLYYYY!!!"
So Stan shot the branch in between the bird's legs so it would lose it's balance but not
get hurt. And the bird fluttered down and landed on a patch of soft moss in the middle
of the ominous thorn bush.
"HA!" laughed the witch "Thanks titch!" and she immediately began crawling under
the thorns, licking her warty lips expectantly.
"Hi little birdy wirdy! Lovely birdy wirdy! Come and get munched up by the lovely
old
witch! Hah ha that's me!"
Stan watched in horror as the witch got closer and closer to the bird. Then suddenly he
came up with a plan! He picked up his magic fiddle and began to play.
No sooner than when the first note had been played, the witch's legs shot up into the
air! And she began to dance a merry little jig in the middle of the treacherous thorn
bush.
"AHHH! OWWW! What the hell is going on?!" she shouted.
But Stan played on. By now the thorns were scratching and scraping the witch all
over. Her wooden dentures flew out and flew back in again upside down and bits of
her beard were already being ripped off!
"OWW! OWW! PLEASE HAVE MERCY! OWWWW that was serious!!!" howled
the witch.
But Stan still played on.
"PLEASE! PLEASE STOP! AND I'LL GIVE YOU A HUGE PURSE FULL OF
GOLD!!!"
That stopped him!
"ALL RIGHT!!" cried Stan happily "This must be my lucky day!"
Meanwhile
Hilarity, Trin and Jareth were trying to access the pirates secret headquarters which
was is situated in the back room of a manky old pub called the Rat and Parrot. They
were having little success at this as they did not know the secret password and
whenever they asked the guard on the door he insisted that it was a secret!
"Please let us in." said Hilarity "It's very important."
"Sorry miss. No password no entry." said the guard.
"Is it 'Ahoy there'?" the alien asked.
"No."
"Jolly Roger?"
"No."
"Shiver me timbers." Jareth suggested.
"No."
"Scurvy Dog?" said Trin.
"NO! Now bugger off and stop wasting my time!" said the guard.
"But we desperately need to see your leader!" said Jareth.
"Well that's your problem!" said the guard and shut the tiny hatch in the door that he
was poking his head out of.
"Well that was well though out, wasn't it!" said Jareth dripping with sarcasm.
"Well, I didn't see you having any better ideas!" said Hilarity angrily.
"Actually I do have a better idea." said the Goblin King "One of us insults that guard
to his face until he's ready to commit murder then when he comes out to beat that
person up the other two will rush past him and into the secret headquarters."
"You know. That's not half bad!" said Hilarity. She always relied on her friend when it
came to cheating and being downright sneaky. "Just one little problem though. Who's
going to insult him?"
"I vote for Trin!" said Jareth quickly.
"I vote for Trin too." said Hilarity.
"So do I." said a random drunk at the bar. He had nothing to do with the story but was
getting quite interested in what was going on.
"That's not fair!" cried Trin.
"How many times have we heard that one before?!" said Jareth sarcastically.
"Look I know I'm not the most reliable person in the world and I can't do magic or
parallel park a space ship or drink ten tequilas in a row and still stay conscious like
you guys." said Trin and took a deep breath "But I'm still a Zean being and I have
rights."
"Fine!" said Hilarity taking pity on her cousin. "We'll cut cards for it. Lowest card
goes. Ace counts as one."
She took out an old pack and began shuffling them in a very skilled and flamboyant
way. Hilarity used to as a black jack dealer at an adult theme park until she was fired
for counting cards.
Jareth went first. King of spades. Fitting.
Then came Hilarity. Three of diamonds.
Then is was Trin's turn. Things were getting close.... Two of clubs.
Bollocks!
