Chapter Twenty One – Riding the waves

A/N - WARNING this chapter contains disgusting scenes. Sorry it's been so long but I've been on holiday and haven't had access to my computer in a while.

The next few weeks would always be remembered by our heroes but never mentioned again out of sheer trauma and embarrassment. Therefore it is hard for historians of this story to find out exactly what happened or in what order. But we think it went a bit like this…

Thomas and his two recently bailed out friends approached the ship with caution as it didn't look all that safe. Boris had been following them all the while like a lost puppy and they eventually let him on board but with a lot of protest.

The little red-haired alien sighed to himself. It was not going to be n easy ride.

Then came the whole captain problem. They all knew very well that the Ole Sea Dog was totally barmy and probably shouldn't be trusted on the ocean. They were proved to be correct all too soon.

"Um…Forgive my rudeness. But aren't ships supposed to have crews?" asked Hilarity when she noticed that the ship was devoid of all life except for herself, her companions and that grizzled old man she was faced with.

"Crews?" said the Ole Sea Dog.

"Yeah. You know crews. Men with eye patches and peg legs and stuff…" the girl replied biting back her annoyance.

"Arrgh! Ye have a woman's legs. I bet ye never 'ad to cut one off 'cause it was lodged in the digestive system of a giant clam!" cried the Ole Sea Dog.

"No! And in case you haven't noticed I AM A WOMAN!!!" Hilarity shouted.

"So, you're basically telling us that you don't have a crew." said Jareth trying to rationalise the situation (and failing)

"Arrgh…no." said Sea Dog sheepishly.

"Can you even sail this thing?"

"Course I can sail! This baby's seen all seventeen wonders o'the pirate world!" the Sea Dog protested. "So don' waltz in 'ere with ye tight trousers and ye Tina Turner haircut an' tells me I can't sail!"

!!!Three weeks later!!!

Thomas stood on deck leaning over the side feeling seriously ill. It was rough seas again. But it had been rough seas every day for the past week. It just wasn't very good for his system. His species was not supposed to move around so much, it was very disorientating. Why couldn't they just take the space ship? Even using magic was better than this! He was sick again. Bugger.
Hilarity had always taken care of his motion sickness. She was probably the only one who did. They always took the stairs to her flat instead of that infernal elevator. And she would always drive slowly, even if it made them late. A small gesture but a deeply appreciated one.

"Well, what have we here…" said a smug voice from behind him.

"B'ger off!" he stuttered through retching.

"Only trying to help!" said Jareth innocently. Thomas had never liked him much. He had a cruel sense of humour when Hilarity wasn't around and he was usually the butt of the joke.

"I'll be fine!" Thomas muttered.

"Here. Try this." Said Jareth and handed him a small bottle of green liquid.

"What is it?"

"Ocean Motion Potion. It's very good for sea sickness."

Thomas considered it. It was probably a trick but at this point he didn't care. He grabbed the bottle and drank its entire contents before being sick again over the side even more violently that before.

"Oh dear!" chuckled Jareth evilly "That must've been my bottle of wasabi sauce. Terribly sorry, Tom."

"You!!!..." shouted Thomas angrily but was cut off as the boat lurched again sending his stomach into even more turmoil.

!!!Three Months Later!!!

"Are you sure this is the way?" said Hilarity.

"Oh! Aye!" said the Sea Dog happily "Don't ye just love the sea air?"

"Not really. We haven seen land for three months. We're running out of water!"

"There be plenty o' water, lassy! What goes in must come out, know what I mean?"

"That's disgusting!!"

"Oh come on! I been doin' it since I were a nipper an' I turned out all right!"

"Well that certainly explains a few things." Said Hilarity and pulled a face "You cant drink your own water, it's very unhygienic and it makes me sick to my stomach!"

"Arrgh! Ye haves a woman's stomach. I bet ye never had it used as a home for a family o'tape worms!"

"SHUT UP!!!"

Two months later and there was still no land in sight. Worse still, the rum supply was running out!

"You can't sail, can you?" said Jareth to Sea Dog eventually.

"Arrgh……..no." the old pirate confessed "I usually just sail around in circles until everyone gets dizzy then go home. But…"

"But what?"

"I forgot which way's home."

!!!One Week Later!!!

The three travellers sat below deck staring dejectedly at a line of empty bottles.

"Well, that's the last of the rum!" said Hilarity miserably. "We're really doomed now. Can't you zap in a bottle of Evian, Jareth."

"Ah!"

"Whaddya mean, ah!"

"Ah! As in ah I can't use magic while crossing water."

"Oh Christ! I thought that was vampires. What do we do now?"

"We could drink our own urine, I suppose."

!!!Five Minutes Later!!!

"A toast! To the most horrible thing I've ever done!" said Jareth.

"Cheers!" said the others reluctantly.

"Shouldn't we wait for Sea Dog?" asked Thomas hopefully.

"No, he's been doing it for weeks now." Said Hilarity "Says he likes it."

"Well, here goes!" said Jareth.

The three bottles were raised slowly…

"LAND HO!!!" came an echoing roar above them.

Three bottles crashed back down to the table as fast as lightening.

"Thank the bloody Lord!" cried Hilarity breathlessly.