Disclaimer: Joss, WB, UPN et al. own Buffy. George Lucas, LucasArts,
LucasFilm etc. own Star Wars and everything else. Raven made Jedi
Knight II.
Title: Keeping True To Ones Self
Author: Paradigm Shifter
Rating: PG-13.
Feedback: Yes please!
Recommended Listening: 'Bloodflowers' The Cure.
Continuity: Xander the Jedi, Sunnydale Jedi, any others that get bunged in the middle, 'To Learn of the Past' and any other side-pieces. And the 'Dark Forces' computer game. This part alludes to a lot of stuff that will happen in earlier stories: they haven't been written yet. Bear with me, please.
Thanks go to Hatten for giving this a read over. :-)
Xander crawled through one of the ducts that allowed internal access to the engines of the Moldy Crow. Jan was following behind him, practically breathing down his neck as he cursed and swore about the state of repair it was in.
"Sithspit! Look at this inverter! What were you thinking letting it get in this condition? And look at this! Shot, completely shot! You'd better get that stabiliser fixed or it's gonna come back to haunt you..."
The look on Jan's face was not pretty. "Hey, flyboy! What I was thinking was 'I have no money, what do I fix first?' And not 'I have a bottomless pit of cash, why don't I buy a Victory class Star Destroyer from Palpatine?'
Xander turned to look at her – no small feat in the cramped confines of the crawlway – and pulled a face. "I'm not moaning at you, directly, Jan. And I'm sorry I gave you that idea... but it's... ah, hell..." Xander's slipping back into 'earth' curses was a sign he was stressed beyond all belief. "Look, it's not you, it's not me, it's not Kyle, and it's not the Crow. It was a bucket of muck held together with rust and good wishes when I owned her: why should that change now?" He finished with a quirky grin on his face that made Jan smile despite herself.
Jan's smile dropped suddenly. "So... what is the cause, then?"
Xander sighed. "Eesh. I don't know... it's this whole Sith accursed situation. Leia – I mean, the Princess – is not ready for this yet. She's still too innocent, too naïve. It's all one persons fault. I intend to make sure that nothing like this can ever happen again."
"You can't carry the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders. You might be one of the best agents the Rebellion has, but you're not capable of saving everyone. Focus on what you're good at..." Jan's attempt to support Xander was cut off with a snort.
"Look, no offence, or anything, but you don't know enough to make that decision. I don't know why I even brought it up. Stupid of me."
"No, it wasn't. If you need help, don't be afraid to call for aid. Both me and Kyle will be ready and willing." Jan's eyes burned with the passion that all of the true Rebels had at one time or another. It was the fire to see a wrong righted; a desire to put the galaxy back on the track where it had been safe.
"We haven't got long before the Tantive IV drops out of hyperspace. The Crow needs to fly as soon as we do. Make sure you're ready... if we're all caught together, trust me, it will not be a good day for the Rebellion."
"The Crow's ready."
"Right. Then... thank you, Jan. Maybe I just needed to hear something from someone else. From outside, looking in."
"You've got your perspective back?"
Xander nodded to himself, his eyes distant as he lay in the crawlway listening to the hum of the engines, the hiss of coolant escaping from a pressure valve. "Yeah. Thanks again Jan. Tell Kyle to take care. I'll want to see him - and his beard - again." He winked, and Jan chuckled at the jab.
"You shouldn't make comments when he isn't here to defend himself."
"True... but I'm sure he'll talk about me soon enough."
Jan nodded, and soon Xander was left alone, thinking about things only he knew.
Princess Leia found Jan in the hangar, fixing a sticky actuator in one of the Crow's landing struts. "Crowded in here, isn't it?"
Jan jumped at the unexpected voice. "Oh... Princess Organa, I didn't see you there." She looked around the hangar of the Corvette, barely big enough for three fighters, the Crow and Xander's captured TIE were packed in tighter than was safe, but somehow it had been done. "Yeah, I guess it is pretty crowded. Uh... Your Highness."
Leia waved away the title with a smile. "Could you just tell me where Xander... I mean, Agent Harris is, please?"
"Sure." Jan hopped down from the box she had been standing on, and pointed into the belly of the Crow, up the boarding ramp. "He's hiding in crawlways in the engines. I don't know exactly what it is he's brooding about, but it's serious." Jan frowned, and asked uncertainly, "Is he... mentally stable?"
Leia bit down a harsh reprimand. "He has a lot on his mind."
"More than the rest of us? The rest of the Rebellion?"
Leia nodded, completely serious, and very sad. "Yes." She vanished into the Crow, leaving Jan alone.
"Xander?" Leia's voice broke through Xander's musings, and he sat up – then promptly lay down again as he brained himself on a cross-strut.
"Ow! Sithspawn!"
"Xander?" Leia's voice sounded again.
"I'm here, Princess!" Xander called, before sliding out of the tube and landing in a crouch a few yards away from where Leia was standing.
She fluttered her eyelids at him innocently. "Hit your head?"
Xander glared at her, but it was softened with a smile. He was still rubbing his head as he said, "What do you think?"
"I think you need to get away for a while. Get a bearing on where you are now, who you are and where to go from here."
"And that's your prescription for me, is it, Princess?"
Leia rolled her eyes. "You don't have to be so formal, and yes, it is."
Xander sighed, and suddenly looked like a defeated old man. "Look, no joking, what do you want? Or did you come down here purely for the good of my health?"
Leia smiled cheekily. "Well, actually, yes, I did. But I have a few things I want to ask, too."
Xander nodded, and the two started walking out of the Crow and through the Tantive IV's corridors. "What are they, then?"
"Well, I thought since you were so reticent with facts – and your identity – that you may want to do this in private."
"Oh?"
"Yes. The Ambassadorial quarters are just down here," Leia nodded as he paused, "yes, that door." Leia pointed to a large double door, and Xander stepped through it and into a luxuriously appointed stateroom. She flopped down on a large couch, while Xander stared at the cycling pictures that were being displayed on the wall by a holoprojector.
He was sober as he spoke. "It's been a... long time since I saw the Trifalls. Too long. How is Alderaan?"
Leia looked annoyed that he had avoided letting her ask questions, but answered anyway. "Alderaan is good... fine. The forests are the same, as is everything else." She looked sad for a moment. "In truth, it's been too long since I saw them myself. My duties for the Rebellion have kept me away for far too long..."
"How is Bail?"
"My father is well. I was made Alderaan's Senate Representative when he decided that he was no longer willing to spend his life away from the planet he loved. But we didn't come here to talk about my father. Or my planet. Why are you not acknowledging who you are?"
Xander sagged. "I... did some... terrible things, Leia. For some time, I could have been considered worse than Darth Vader himself. While I walked away from that of my own free will... after I left Alderaan, I got reminded that the Dark Side is only than one step away. I toe too close to the terminator line to not have the temptation of that at anytime. I was frightened. I was terrified that I would go down that path again. I nearly did. So I cut myself off from the Force."
Leia didn't say anything for a long time, and Xander looked nervous. "I understand that you probably don't want me here, now. I betrayed a trust. I betrayed the galaxy I fought to protect. I... everyone is tempted at some point in their lives. For a Jedi, it is a constant struggle to not lose themselves in the Force. The Dark Side is insidious... it gets in everywhere, through the smallest cracks. It got through my armour. And trust me, Yoda was frightened that it would happen – it did. He should never have trained me."
"No." Leia's voice was firm and hard. "Don't even think that, let alone say it! You have done a lot of good! You saved my family!"
"I killed Leia! Not in the self defence! Not for the good of others! I attacked anyone who stood in my way! Just because they were there at the time!"
Leia stood, and grasped Xander's shoulders in a grip that – while not vice like – was more than enough to stop him dead. The sincerity in her voice overwhelmed him. "I understand that you were tempted. I'm sure the circumstances were far from ideal... I can't see you doing anything like that otherwise. But I do know that you – for every moment I have known you – have been an honourable man: a good man. Putting others before yourself – even to your own detriment. You have been like a brother to me. A brother I've never had, and never expect to have!"
Leia completely missed the flickering show of surprise, amusement, disbelief and gratefulness at her words. Surprise that she was showing her Force talents so soon, amusement at her unwitting announcement that she didn't have a brother – when she did, disbelief that she would think that highly of him, and gratefulness that she held him in such high regard.
Leia continued without stopping, "You might doubt yourself, but those who depend on you cannot afford to. They believe you are a good man – and I believe you are a good man."
Xander looked at the Princess of Alderaan. Emotion made his throat tighten; words were hard to get out. Only through long years of practice were tears avoided. "Princess... Leia. I... I don't know. I don't know what to say. But I can see where your oratory lessons came in useful."
Leia smiled. "Then say nothing. It makes you seem much wiser than people who are speaking." She stood on tip toe, and gave him a peck on the cheek before leaving him alone – again – with his thoughts.
Review? :-)
Title: Keeping True To Ones Self
Author: Paradigm Shifter
Rating: PG-13.
Feedback: Yes please!
Recommended Listening: 'Bloodflowers' The Cure.
Continuity: Xander the Jedi, Sunnydale Jedi, any others that get bunged in the middle, 'To Learn of the Past' and any other side-pieces. And the 'Dark Forces' computer game. This part alludes to a lot of stuff that will happen in earlier stories: they haven't been written yet. Bear with me, please.
Thanks go to Hatten for giving this a read over. :-)
Xander crawled through one of the ducts that allowed internal access to the engines of the Moldy Crow. Jan was following behind him, practically breathing down his neck as he cursed and swore about the state of repair it was in.
"Sithspit! Look at this inverter! What were you thinking letting it get in this condition? And look at this! Shot, completely shot! You'd better get that stabiliser fixed or it's gonna come back to haunt you..."
The look on Jan's face was not pretty. "Hey, flyboy! What I was thinking was 'I have no money, what do I fix first?' And not 'I have a bottomless pit of cash, why don't I buy a Victory class Star Destroyer from Palpatine?'
Xander turned to look at her – no small feat in the cramped confines of the crawlway – and pulled a face. "I'm not moaning at you, directly, Jan. And I'm sorry I gave you that idea... but it's... ah, hell..." Xander's slipping back into 'earth' curses was a sign he was stressed beyond all belief. "Look, it's not you, it's not me, it's not Kyle, and it's not the Crow. It was a bucket of muck held together with rust and good wishes when I owned her: why should that change now?" He finished with a quirky grin on his face that made Jan smile despite herself.
Jan's smile dropped suddenly. "So... what is the cause, then?"
Xander sighed. "Eesh. I don't know... it's this whole Sith accursed situation. Leia – I mean, the Princess – is not ready for this yet. She's still too innocent, too naïve. It's all one persons fault. I intend to make sure that nothing like this can ever happen again."
"You can't carry the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders. You might be one of the best agents the Rebellion has, but you're not capable of saving everyone. Focus on what you're good at..." Jan's attempt to support Xander was cut off with a snort.
"Look, no offence, or anything, but you don't know enough to make that decision. I don't know why I even brought it up. Stupid of me."
"No, it wasn't. If you need help, don't be afraid to call for aid. Both me and Kyle will be ready and willing." Jan's eyes burned with the passion that all of the true Rebels had at one time or another. It was the fire to see a wrong righted; a desire to put the galaxy back on the track where it had been safe.
"We haven't got long before the Tantive IV drops out of hyperspace. The Crow needs to fly as soon as we do. Make sure you're ready... if we're all caught together, trust me, it will not be a good day for the Rebellion."
"The Crow's ready."
"Right. Then... thank you, Jan. Maybe I just needed to hear something from someone else. From outside, looking in."
"You've got your perspective back?"
Xander nodded to himself, his eyes distant as he lay in the crawlway listening to the hum of the engines, the hiss of coolant escaping from a pressure valve. "Yeah. Thanks again Jan. Tell Kyle to take care. I'll want to see him - and his beard - again." He winked, and Jan chuckled at the jab.
"You shouldn't make comments when he isn't here to defend himself."
"True... but I'm sure he'll talk about me soon enough."
Jan nodded, and soon Xander was left alone, thinking about things only he knew.
Princess Leia found Jan in the hangar, fixing a sticky actuator in one of the Crow's landing struts. "Crowded in here, isn't it?"
Jan jumped at the unexpected voice. "Oh... Princess Organa, I didn't see you there." She looked around the hangar of the Corvette, barely big enough for three fighters, the Crow and Xander's captured TIE were packed in tighter than was safe, but somehow it had been done. "Yeah, I guess it is pretty crowded. Uh... Your Highness."
Leia waved away the title with a smile. "Could you just tell me where Xander... I mean, Agent Harris is, please?"
"Sure." Jan hopped down from the box she had been standing on, and pointed into the belly of the Crow, up the boarding ramp. "He's hiding in crawlways in the engines. I don't know exactly what it is he's brooding about, but it's serious." Jan frowned, and asked uncertainly, "Is he... mentally stable?"
Leia bit down a harsh reprimand. "He has a lot on his mind."
"More than the rest of us? The rest of the Rebellion?"
Leia nodded, completely serious, and very sad. "Yes." She vanished into the Crow, leaving Jan alone.
"Xander?" Leia's voice broke through Xander's musings, and he sat up – then promptly lay down again as he brained himself on a cross-strut.
"Ow! Sithspawn!"
"Xander?" Leia's voice sounded again.
"I'm here, Princess!" Xander called, before sliding out of the tube and landing in a crouch a few yards away from where Leia was standing.
She fluttered her eyelids at him innocently. "Hit your head?"
Xander glared at her, but it was softened with a smile. He was still rubbing his head as he said, "What do you think?"
"I think you need to get away for a while. Get a bearing on where you are now, who you are and where to go from here."
"And that's your prescription for me, is it, Princess?"
Leia rolled her eyes. "You don't have to be so formal, and yes, it is."
Xander sighed, and suddenly looked like a defeated old man. "Look, no joking, what do you want? Or did you come down here purely for the good of my health?"
Leia smiled cheekily. "Well, actually, yes, I did. But I have a few things I want to ask, too."
Xander nodded, and the two started walking out of the Crow and through the Tantive IV's corridors. "What are they, then?"
"Well, I thought since you were so reticent with facts – and your identity – that you may want to do this in private."
"Oh?"
"Yes. The Ambassadorial quarters are just down here," Leia nodded as he paused, "yes, that door." Leia pointed to a large double door, and Xander stepped through it and into a luxuriously appointed stateroom. She flopped down on a large couch, while Xander stared at the cycling pictures that were being displayed on the wall by a holoprojector.
He was sober as he spoke. "It's been a... long time since I saw the Trifalls. Too long. How is Alderaan?"
Leia looked annoyed that he had avoided letting her ask questions, but answered anyway. "Alderaan is good... fine. The forests are the same, as is everything else." She looked sad for a moment. "In truth, it's been too long since I saw them myself. My duties for the Rebellion have kept me away for far too long..."
"How is Bail?"
"My father is well. I was made Alderaan's Senate Representative when he decided that he was no longer willing to spend his life away from the planet he loved. But we didn't come here to talk about my father. Or my planet. Why are you not acknowledging who you are?"
Xander sagged. "I... did some... terrible things, Leia. For some time, I could have been considered worse than Darth Vader himself. While I walked away from that of my own free will... after I left Alderaan, I got reminded that the Dark Side is only than one step away. I toe too close to the terminator line to not have the temptation of that at anytime. I was frightened. I was terrified that I would go down that path again. I nearly did. So I cut myself off from the Force."
Leia didn't say anything for a long time, and Xander looked nervous. "I understand that you probably don't want me here, now. I betrayed a trust. I betrayed the galaxy I fought to protect. I... everyone is tempted at some point in their lives. For a Jedi, it is a constant struggle to not lose themselves in the Force. The Dark Side is insidious... it gets in everywhere, through the smallest cracks. It got through my armour. And trust me, Yoda was frightened that it would happen – it did. He should never have trained me."
"No." Leia's voice was firm and hard. "Don't even think that, let alone say it! You have done a lot of good! You saved my family!"
"I killed Leia! Not in the self defence! Not for the good of others! I attacked anyone who stood in my way! Just because they were there at the time!"
Leia stood, and grasped Xander's shoulders in a grip that – while not vice like – was more than enough to stop him dead. The sincerity in her voice overwhelmed him. "I understand that you were tempted. I'm sure the circumstances were far from ideal... I can't see you doing anything like that otherwise. But I do know that you – for every moment I have known you – have been an honourable man: a good man. Putting others before yourself – even to your own detriment. You have been like a brother to me. A brother I've never had, and never expect to have!"
Leia completely missed the flickering show of surprise, amusement, disbelief and gratefulness at her words. Surprise that she was showing her Force talents so soon, amusement at her unwitting announcement that she didn't have a brother – when she did, disbelief that she would think that highly of him, and gratefulness that she held him in such high regard.
Leia continued without stopping, "You might doubt yourself, but those who depend on you cannot afford to. They believe you are a good man – and I believe you are a good man."
Xander looked at the Princess of Alderaan. Emotion made his throat tighten; words were hard to get out. Only through long years of practice were tears avoided. "Princess... Leia. I... I don't know. I don't know what to say. But I can see where your oratory lessons came in useful."
Leia smiled. "Then say nothing. It makes you seem much wiser than people who are speaking." She stood on tip toe, and gave him a peck on the cheek before leaving him alone – again – with his thoughts.
Review? :-)
