AN - Sorry it has taken so long to update. What with work, holidays, getting ready for Uni, I haven't had time!! Well, chapter 3 is now here for you to enjoy.
What was she doing here?
She felt foolish, weak. She was spending far too much time thinking about this man. She looked down at the tray in her hands then at the door. She made up her mind. She had come so far now. If she turned back it would look far too suspicious to her crewmates. She pushed it open.
As she had thought, well hoped, even, he was unconscious to the world. After ten hours training, sparring with Morpheus, then a go at the jump programme, albeit an unsuccessful try, he could hardly have been anything else.
She was frustrated. She had rushed out eagerly enough to see him sparring. After seeing him fail that jump, however, she had been disappointed, upset almost. It was as if she was starting to believe in him. She was unsure if she was ready for what that would mean. Ready to share all her feelings, her insecurities, all herself with someone else.
Today had shown her that she was unable to do it. She couldn't show emotion to anyone. Her need to hide after Neo's fall, had stemmed from embarrassment in showing anyone any of her vulnerabilities.
She wished she could talk to someone, she needed to clear her head...Ghost. She would email him. He was the only one she could show her true feelings to without worry...
No she wouldn't. This was one thing she couldn't share with her brother. She had never even told him about what the Oracle had said. How could you explain that in an email? Was it even safe to email that information to a ship with the most gossipy Operator of the fleet? Anyway, her suspicions about what she was, or had at one point been, in Ghost's affections were enough to prevent her from perhaps hurting him by such a thing. Especially when it might come to nothing. She had to work it out for herself.
She set the tray down on the floor and looked at it before turning to face him, the innocent cause of her turmoil. She couldn't feel annoyed with him, lying there still fully clothed, exhausted with the novelty of everything, and the strain of doing anything. He was so new, so open and honest in his aspect that it unnerved her. Crossing her arms across her chest she suppressed a sigh, worried that even that small sound might disturb him.
She wished she knew how he felt. That it might somehow make it easier for her to know what to do. She knew he trusted her, liked her even. He would come to her and ask her about things on the ship, because he knew she would answer and wouldn't laugh, and she didn't have the same charismatic zeal and authority that sometimes made Morpheus seem inaccessible. She was the one he had seemed to link to, yet she felt he was somewhat in awe of her, too full of fear and respect for their friendship to develop on even terms. Was her attitude towards him perhaps encouraging that?
Bringing him dinner...
It was like what a mother would do for her child, off sick from school for a day. But instead of the plain piece of white bread and glass of flat coke, all Trinity could bring to him was the unappetising goop and a cup of bitter, metallic water.
Her main worry was that tasks like this, the care she showed Neo, could almost seem maternal to his newly reborn thoughts and senses. She did not want that.
This train of thought led to more confusion as to her own feelings. She physically cared for Neo like some of the ten-year-old prodigies they unplugged and he was a man of, about five, seven years her senior. Love required respect, and she didn't see respect in realising the child-like traits of the man.
She breathed in and the air caught in her throat, as she could almost taste his scent. She dismissed the previous thoughts. She could and did feel something for him, something as she a woman and he a man. Attraction.
Caring for someone, after all was a main part of loving them. And Neo's helplessness was a wonderful unique part of him. "Girls were made to look after boys". She remembered the line from a childhood story, with a slight smile.
She could look after Neo, and that would allow her to love him. Her independence could not be harmed by him, as it would by someone much more sure of himself. Because he was so unsure, perhaps he would comprehend how unsure and scared she was, when she decided to tell him how she felt.
But not now. This understanding was too new, too untested. It might be something that wouldn't last the night, that would crumble under the alert rationality of morning after a night's rest. This was the wrong time to let him know, to commit herself to anything.
Silently cursing her cowardice, she left and let him sleep.
