Disclaimer: If we owned Britney Spears, the world would be a muuch happier place. But unfortunately we don't, so there are still wars, famine, poverty, awful pop songs and slutty clothes.

If we owned Barney, we would change his demented themesong. But unfortunately we don't so "I wuv u, u wuv me" gets stuck in my head everytime I stumble on it on channel 4.

If we owned Harry Potter, Voldemort would be dead, and everyone would be obsessed with their love life. But fortunately for the discerning reader...we don't.

Chapter 13. Harry the Retard and the big bazookered Valentine.

Harry was a retard. Harry had lots of valantines. It was valantines day. There where truck loads of random little creachers who stalked people to deliver their valantines cards. Harry got none. Harry cried. Harry was a retarded rejected idiot with no friends. Harry was buff. Harry cheered up and decided he was to buff and all the girls who fancied him got stunned before sending him a card. Harry then got a card, infact he got 7. from Lavander, Hermione(who felt soz for the lairy), Parvati, Padma, Pansy D, Professor sprout (eww PERV) and 1 more Harry threw a hissy fit baby tantrum when he read "JKZ" on the bottom of them all. Ha ha. A tiny fat ugly retard troll named Jordan came along. "this is insania!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she cried at Harry, who was about to receive his last of the 7 valentine cards. As Harry was a wimpy retard he got upset and refused to open it. Jordan didn't care. "OI! I quit my bloody day job at the sun to give you this valentine and all you do is run away, find then retard piss off but don't come crying to me when you're in bed alone tonight. FRIGID RETARD!" And Jordan stalked off, holding her head high (which did not have much of an effect since she was only 3ft tall) and paving through the students using her front as a battering ram. Just then Harry hears a piercing scream and ducks his head for cover. "ARG!!" cried Harry as he fell to the floor infront of his 1 true love Cho Chang. Sudennly Harry heared a loud riiiiiiipping noise and the whole corridor turned, staring at his arse. In came a overly girly garish sickly sweet voice of Britney Spears. "Oh look at that, just with my voice". Everyone ran away. Ha ha. Harry had another Hissy fit because his bag split in half causing his new, bright pink sparkly ink bottle to smash and spill everywhere but Tiny Ron cried even more when he remembered his Pink forever friends diary was in Harry's bag.

"Harry you knobhead! My pink forever friend's diary and only way of allowing my family to pay off their credit limit reach is damaged!! said Tiny Ron severely. He held up the Diary. "Oh yay! It hasn't been ruined! But what were you doing with pink ink in the first place harry?"

"uh...oh....Sodomy!"

"HUH!?!?" Cried the whole coridoor together. Harry grabbed the diary back off Ron the ginger mango. "Ron, youre a ginger Mango!" cried Harry.

But Ron's train of thought was interrupted by the lovely (NOT) britney spears who sat on Harry and said, "Oh mi god Harry! I so like have this so so cute singing valentine to give you! Listen...." "I lurv you, you lurv me, we tied Barney to a tree, we stole a gun and shot him in the head, sorry kids but Barney's dead!" Isn't that the cutest? It's from Draco Malfoy by the way? Do you know him? He could do with some plastic surgery himself"

Ginny Weasley appeared out of nowhere smirking and said to Malfoy, "I think Harry didn't like your singing valentine very much!" while Malfoy buried his face in his hands and ran off. "Malfoy finally came out of the closet then!" Blinged Tiny Ron as Harry stalked off merrily to the common room to play with the new magical diary"