Kidnapper's Etiquette
"So now what Oh Great Ninja Master?" The long haired boy asked sarcastically as he kneeled beside his dog.
Turning to look his way again, Naruto sounded through his ever present horn, "Nani?"
Sighing heavily, the pony-tailed boy pointed, "He means, what do you want with us now that we're your 'hostages'?"
"UUUHHHHHMMM…"
Shaking her head, the pink-haired girl bickered, "Don't use the horn just for that."
Naruto didn't hear the girl's demand though, as he was too busy staring off into space, trying to think over the first question. 'What do I do now? I didn't think that far ahead.' His eyes squinted and his brow furrowed as his immature mind sought some answer.
"Well?"
"SHUT IT DOGBOY!" Naruto cried as his expression turned firm. "OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH YOU."
"Oh? Well what's that?"
"IT'S… UH…. TH-THE… THE SAME THING ANYONE DOES WHEN THEY TAKE HOSTAGES!"
"Which is?"
"EH… ER… UH…. DON'T YOU EVEN KNOW THAT?!" Naruto shouted while sweat dropping, 'I wish I knew it.'
"No! I don't."
Leaning against the bars of the jungle gym, the chubby boy asked, "What does a hostage taker do?"
The thick-browed boy hanging beside him shrugged admitting, "I dunno."
"Baka." Came the word of the blonde girl, who stated matter-of-factly, "When someone takes a hostage they ask for a ransom."
"RANSOM?"
"What's ransom?" The pony-tailed boy asked as he plopped down in the seat beside Ebisu.
The pink-haired girl expanded for her friend, "Ransom is when you ask for something in return of someone you've kidnapped." Naruto nodded along in understanding, imaging the girl like an instructor with a diagram on a board behind her. "You see, first you write a note to the parents, that way they know you have their kids. You also say what you want them to give you to get their kid back. Then while the parents are crying and worrying about their kid, the kidnapper acts all tough and evil, threatening his hostages while their in a hole and spraying them with a hose and stuff." This sent the collective image through the children's minds of a chibi fanged Naruto spraying a hose down on them in a hole in the ground. "Then the kidnapper sends another note telling the parents where to drop off the ransom money so they can get their kid back. What the kidnapper doesn't know though is that the police are ready for him and they've set up an ambush to get the money." Chibi Naruto dances happily toward the dropped money while police offers hide behind a nearby anime bush. "So when he goes to collect the money, they jump him." The chibi police suddenly jump frightened chibi Naruto. "Then there's a big gunfight with lots of shooting and blood." Chibi Naruto fires off an anime glock randomly at surrounding police. "And in the end, the lead detective kills the kidnapper and saves the kids." The trench-coated fedora wearing chibi detective stands over chibi Naruto's corpse with the chibi children dancing around nearby. Turning a hard nose up the chibi detective states in the pink-haired girl's harshest voice, "That's what scum like you gets."
Shaking himself from his own racing imagination Naruto cries out, "I DON'T WANNA GET KILLED!"
The blonde girl reasons, "Then you shouldn't have taken us hostage. Now you're doomed."
The pony-tailed boy nodded in agreement, "Sure sounds that way."
"Yep." The dog handling boy concurred.
Behind him though, thick brows spoke up, "But I don't wanna be put in a hole and sprayed with a hose."
Off to the side, Hinata timidly asked toward the girl's in the sandbox, "I-is, Naruto really going to die?"
Peering toward the shy girl, who stood twiddling her small finger, the other two girls agreed in unison, "Uh huh."
"STOP SAYING THAT!!!" Naruto yelled. "I AM NOT GOING TO DIE!"
From the swing set, Neji spoke up, "Sure sounds like you're going to."
"True." Tenten added before Neji gave her swing a push.
"Poor Naruto." Hinata murmured, mostly to herself.
"I AM NOT!" The blonde boy seemed infuriated as his small face reddened. "I AM A NINJA. AND THERE'S NO WAY A COP COULD KILL A NINJA. THAT MEANS I'M NOT GONNA DIE. SO THERE!"
However, the long-haired boy rebutted, "You can't even get off a wall without hurting yourself."
"I SAID SHUT UP!" With that her walked passed the boy and headed over to the sand box which was situated in the center of the playground. Taking a seat on the box's edge, the inhabiting girl's eyed him curiously. With a lordly posture he commanded to them, "FIRST I MUST WRITE A NOTE FOR YOUR PARENTS. GET ME SOME PAPER AND SOMETHING TO DRAW WITH."
Neither girl seemed to enjoy the treatment though, as the blonde coldly replied, "We don't have any."
Her pink-haired friend then tried once more, "And for the last time, cut it out with the horn. We're standing right in front of you."
Turning his head toward Sakura, he offered with a gentlemanly manner, "GOMEN."
Quickly she grabbed the tin horn from his hand and gave the persistent whelp a whack to the head, exclaiming angrily, "Baka!"
"Itaii!"
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After a few moments and a good deal of bickering the children had gathered around the sand box with their half-pint kidnapper. None of them really took him seriously, but at least his ridiculous attempts were funny. Strolling back from on of the nearby picnic tables, the pony tailed boy carried a piece of gray construction paper and a red crayon over to his waiting peers. After all, Naruto was still demanding to write a note. Taking his seat the retriever held out the paper and utensil to the blonde boy, who stared back at them oddly. Sighing as he waited for the kid to take what was offered, the pony-tailed youth explained, "You said you want them." As Naruto didn't take them, the boy added, "To write the note."
After a moment's hesitation, Naruto grabbed the items, chiding, "I know that!" The other boy just rolled his eyes as Naruto positioned the paper in his lap and readied the crayon to write. There was just one thing stopping him. As he stared down at the blank page, fiddling the crayon in his fingers and chewing his lip nervously, the other children stared on expectantly.
After couple minutes of boring silence, the boy who now had his puppy in his lap complained, "Are you gonna write it or what?"
Peering over at the other boy, Naruto bit back, "Yeah, I'm just… thinking of what to write. Okay?"
Another moment passed before Neji guessed, "You don't know how to write, do ya?"
Defensively, Naruto spit back, "Of course, I do."
Quickly the scruffy boy reiterated, "Oh, then why haven't you written anything yet?"
"I… I just haven't thought what to write yet."
Leaning in his dog barked along with him, as the boy added, "Either way you're stupid!"
"Am not, Dog Freak!"
"Are too!"
"Quiet!" The pink-haired girl cried as she grabbed the paper and crayon away from Naruto. Moving back to her seat, she positioned the paper on the wood of the box, offering, "I'll write it, okay?"
With a huff, Naruto crossed his arms, eliciting a concluding, "Fine."
"So what do you want me to write?"
Clearing his purposefully, the blonde boy began his dictation, "DEAR PARENTS…"
The sudden call through the horn made the pink-haired girl jump a little, though she quickly turned and grabbed the tin cone from the young fool, turning it back on him, "I SAID CUT IT OUT WITH THE HORN!!"
Shrinking back, he consented, "Gomen, gomen." The straightening up as his unofficial secretary got back into position, he spoke, "Dear Parents, I have…"
Offhandedly the thick-browed boy commented to the boys next to him, "He didn't have to think about it this time." His chubby playmate nodded along while the dog boy gave a laugh.
Naruto just passed them a glare as he spoke on, "I have taken your children hostage. If you want them back…"
"Wait, wait, wait." The pink-haired girl requested as she began to speak along with her writing, "Ta-ken yo-ur chil-dr-en hos-ta-ge. If you want them back…"
"Bring a year's supply of Ramen to the playground. Signed, Naruto."
While the writing commenced, the chubby boy spoke up, "Ramen's good, but I like octopus dumplings better."
"Eh?" Looking to the big-boned youth, Naruto shrugged, agreeing, "Okay, octopus dumplings too."
This pretty much opened the floodgates, as the Pony-tailed boy requested, "Yeah, and some deep fried chicken."
Thick brows added in, "Jumbo Shrimp!"
"Beef bowl!"
"Fried noodles!"
"Spring rolls!"
"Tempura!"
Then the blonde girl turned the wave with, "I want chocolate." The other children quickly agreed with the need for junk food.
"Brownies!"
"Donuts!"
Ice cream!"
Naruto was looking back and forth between the demanding children quickly realizing that he was losing control. With a groan he suddenly shouted, "Hey, wait a minute!"
"They like rotting meat." That got everyone's attention as they looked to a young boy in a black turtle neck with the muffler pulled up over the bottom half of his mouth.
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"And choc-ol-ate fud-ge coo-kies." The pink haired girl muttered as she listed the last of the children's edible demands. Looking around the pit she spoke, "Alright, that's it. What now?" Everyone gave a glance toward Naruto who was sitting huffily with his arms crossed in childish indignation.
With an annoyed *hrmph* he replied, "Now I'll send the letter and they'll send the food." This made sent a series of cheers among the kids which had Naruto standing up to receive his praise. "Aha, hand it over. Let's get food!" The kids gave another cheer.
The glee was quickly eclipsed though, by the simple question of, "How will they know whose kids you've got?"
Cutting off Naruto's burst of joy, the blonde boy was left asking, "Huh?"
It was the pony-tailed boy who had spoken, and now repeated, "You never said whose kids you have. So they won't know which parents are supposed to bring the food dummy." Having been the only one to think of that little detail, the other children took a moment to think it over before quickly agreeing.
"Yeah, that's true."
"We need a list or something."
"He is a dummy."
Growling Naruto spit out, "Fine, we'll make a list." Pointing at the pony-tailed boy, Naruto demanded, "So who are ya?"
However, it was the Pink-haired girl who suddenly sat and in a rush of sunshiny good nature, speaking in her sweetest voice, "I'm Haruno Sakura, a cute sophisticated young woman of beauty and brilliance. Nice to meet you all." Dressed in a pair of red overalls and a white t-shirt she smiled warmly at the other children.
Naruto though only blinked back, corrected her, "I was asking his name, not yours."
"Shut up!" And that easily the cuteness façade shattered, and the blonde boy cringed back in fear of her glare.
After a moment of watching the immature display the pony-tailed youth sighed, breathing out, "How annoying." As the others glanced his way, he finally answered, "My name's Nara Shikamaru." He was dressed in a pair of baggy black shorts and a loose gray baseball jersey. Tilting his head up, he finalized, "That's it."
Naruto shrugged and moved on to the next person, "And you?"
Wearing a short-sleeved white button up and simple navy blue shorts, the white-eyed boy answered, "Hyuuga Neji."
Beside him, his friend added briefly, "Tenten."
Then it was the blonde girl's turn. In a purple floral dress she stood to announce, "I'm Yamanaka Ino, a cuter and more sophisticated young woman."
"Hey!" Sakura bickered.
Shrugging back, Ino just replied, "I'm only trying to be honest." At that Sakura turned her back on her friend in aggravation. Not too deterred by the display though, Ino suddenly hopped onto her friend's back tackling her forward, leaving the girls to land sprawled out and giggling on to the lap of the next in line.
Ignoring the silly girls, Naruto looked to the thick-browed boy that landed half on top of, inquiring, "What's your name?" The kid in brown, short pants and a dark green tank top was deeply red faced and flustered. He apparently didn't hear the question as he looked down at the girls atop him, who also looked up waiting for his answer. He swallowed back a nervous gulp as he tried brain slipped away. One quick whap by Naruto's horn and it quickly got back into position. Looking up he found Naruto standing there, horn in hand, as he demanded, "Name, thick brows?"
The girls sat up from his lap and the boy hastily stood to answer, "Rock Lee, sir." Standing tall and straight, he seemed almost military, if not for the crimson tint to his young face.
"Great." Naruto spoke uninspired, and moved on to the next boy, "And you, fatty?"
The chubby boy moved his confused attention from Lee when he realized who Naruto was referring to. Suddenly glowering at him, the boy replied vehemently, "Akimichi Chouji, and I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!"
With a laugh, the dog boy commented, "Yeah right! You got some flabby bones then!"
"Shut it, Kiba!" Chouji cried as he wailed a punch to the boy's shoulder that had his puppy barking angrily.
"Ow! Watch it, Fatty!"
"I said don't call me fat!"
"I'll call you what I want! Fatty! Fatty! Fatty!" The knock of a tin horn met the scruffy boy's head, drawing his attention to Naruto, while Kiba reached up to rub the sore spot. "What's the big idea, runt?!"
Kiba leaned in sneering at Naruto while the puppy angrily barked and snapped at him. Naruto just sneered back, commanding, "I'm the kidnapper here, you're the hostages. I'm the one whose suppose to get mean, not you."
Growling angrily, Kiba spewed in outrage, "I'll be mean at whoever I want. So shut up before I beat you up to!"
Readying his horn for another swing, Naruto insisted, I'd love to see you try, Dog Freak!"
Prepared to lunge, the boy hissed, "The name's Inuzuka Kiba, not Dog Freak!"
As he was about to tackle Naruto a surprisingly firm though willowy voice called out, "You should apologize!" The children all turned toward the frail raven-haired girl standing a few feet from the sandbox who made the demand, and who was instantly self-conscious of their attention. A slight blush rose to her pale cheeks, and she bowed her head to look at her diddling fingers as she tried to speak, "I… I mean…" Her lip quivered a bit and she swallowed back a bit of nerve to finish the sentence, "You hurt his feelings." The other children just looked confused, especially Kiba, until he looked around at the others and found his friend Chouji, slight tears stinging his eyes. Now feeling a bit guilty, Kiba screwed up his mouth and turned his head.
Like it was an annoying chore, Kiba bit off the words, "Sorry, Chouji."
Sniffling a bit, Chouji gave a nod, letting slip a weary, "S'okay." Kiba turned back with a lop-sided grin that his friend returned and Kiba lazily resumed his seat.
Naruto watched the exchange then looked back to the timid peacemaker, asking curiously, "What's your name?"
Blushing harder as he met her eyes, she went tongue-tied as someone was actually inquiring about her. "M-me? I… I'm H-hin-inata. Hyuuga Hinata." Apparently exasperated, she drew in a breath afterwards, continuing to look toward the ground as if awaiting judgement.
Sakura was the first to speak up as she was reading the list, "Hyuuga?"
The other children looked to Neji, as Naruto asked, "Isn't that your name too?"
Neji just nodded, offering simply, "She's my cousin."
"Oh." Naruto sounde as the children nodded in understanding. Then the blonde boy looked back to Hinata stating politely, "Nice to meet you." He smiled fully to her and she hesitantly returned a shy grin. After a moment, Naruto noticed the quiet boy in the turtle neck sitting beside him. Remembering he hadn't gone yet, Naruto turned to him, asking, "And what's your name?"
The boy looked back up at Naruto, a bit confused he asked, "Who?"
"You." Naruto replied pointing at the boy.
Staring down at his body, the kid asked, "Which one are you talking to?" That got a few odd looks.
"I'm talking to you, baka!" Naruto stated as he pressed his finger right against the kids forehead.
"Me?"
"Yes you! Who else is here?"
The boy opened his mouth about to say something, yet quickly changed his mind to say, " My name's Aburame Shino."
Naruto breathed out in relief, "Phew. Finally."
"That's the list." Sakura assured as she folded up the paper. "Now what?"
Taking a strong pose, Naruto replied, "Now I'll deliver it."
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With great stealth and ingenious skill he moved between the shadows, hiding his form and confusing passersby. Well, he thought he was anyway, as people passed odd looks to the blonde boy creeping down the sidewalk, hiding behind trash cans and telephone poles. He continued the act all the way down the block until he reached his objective. Unfortunately two enemy sentries were standing guard, ready to take him down and end his mission and perhaps his life. Cautiously he moved in and took a hidden position near them on the opposing side of his metallic box of a target. Pressing himself to the surface, Naruto kept his breathing under control as he listened in on his opponents.
"But I swear, if Kouji-san keeps raising the price of his rice, I'm taking my business elsewhere."
"Oh I know what you mean." The other middle-aged woman agreed. "It's so ridiculous. Does he really think people will pay that much?"
"Yeah, guess it's true about him going senile."
"True, these old men just get crazier and crazier. And my husband is starting to get that way too. You know he tried to build the new balcony from our bedroom."
As the one woman gave a sigh, her chatting partner insisted, "Really, what happened?"
"He threw his back out right after tearing half the shingles off the roof.
Giggling, her friend replied, "Oh dear, hope he's alright."
"He's well enough to be whining to me about his back all day." The women shared a chuckle and the wife spoke on, "I swear, these men nowadays are… so…" Her words dropped away as she watched an egg roll from under the mailbox and crack against a nearby hydrant in a puff of white smoke. While the women stared curiously at the smoke, the sound of an aluminum door caught their attention from behind. Spinning back they found Naruto who had hopped over the top of the mailbox to drop his ransom note into the slot.
Smirking confidently at the women, he declared, "Ha! It's too late now! I've won!" Hopping off the mailbox he took off running back toward the park.
Watching him with a bit of confusion the injured man's wife commented, "Cute boy."
Her friend nodded in agreement but added, "Seems a bit unbalanced though."
~Geez, it took me a bit of time to get around to typing this up. Hope it's worth it. Also, for you Sasuke fans, hope you show up for the next update when he does. Also fun and games abound, so please R&R. Thanks.~
