It was two days before we left. I came home from my final shift at the restaurant I worked at, in a gloomy mood. I was sad because I didn't want to leave this house, didn't want to leave the beach, and most importantly, I didn't want Freddy to leave.
The house was dark and I found Freddy sitting out on the balcony, staring at the ocean. The sun was coming down and reflected through a bottle of liquor that was standing on the railing. His blood shot eyes looked at me and he said, "You better sit down." I began to panic as he took my hand. "It's Mr. Peterson," he was an elderly man that lived next door. Mr. Peterson lived alone and the two of us kept him company. His family was sending him to a nursing home once he moved out. "Jules, he died this afternoon." I sat there dumbfounded. I had only seen him this morning and waved at him before going to work. "Are you okay?" Freddy asked. I only nodded and sat back into my seat. It was another thing that added to my miserable mood.
We must have sat there for hours in silence, just watching the sun go down. I had been the one to break the silence. "I'm gonna take a shower." and got up from my chair and headed to the bathroom. I needed to clear my mind and be alone. I stayed in that shower until the hot water ran out and turned icy cold. Why was everything going so wrong? Why did everything so good go so bad? The questions were still unanswered by the time I turned the shower off.
When I came out, Freddy was no longer out on the balcony and I called out his name. "Yea, I'm in here." I gently pushed the door to his room to find him lying on his bed in the dark. I sat next him and asked if he was alright. "Uh-huh, I'm just tired." We laid in his bed talking about Mr. Peterson and about a lot of other things. As I listened I closed my eyes for a brief second.
And woke up to realize I was not in my room instead, fell asleep in Freddy's bed. Before I could get up, Freddy turned to his side and his arm landed on top of me. I didn't want to wake him so I stayed still. His face was only centimeters away from mine. He was almost close enough to...
...Kiss.
Which is what I started to do. Softly at first. So soft that he didn't wake up. But that didn't last very long. I couldn't control myself. I couldn't help it. As I leaned in closer, my heart starts skipping beats and the chills start coming. I was terrified to think what would happen if Freddy woke up, another part of me was excited and wouldn't be able to wait if he did.
Then he woke up. Uh-oh.
His eyes fluttered open and his body jerked, startled. I knew that this was it. Whatever happened next was up to him and would show how he really felt. I got an awful pain at the bottom of my stomach when he pulled away. But then he leaned in closer, pulled my face closer to his and started to kiss me back.
If there was ever a time in my life that I was so desperate to be kissed, that was it. We kissed for what seemed like forever. Until I decided I needed more. I nervously inched my way on top of him. Afraid the moment would end in one wrong move. But we kept kissing. Finally I was right where I wanted to me. It was like being on Mount Everest and I wanted to stick a flag on top of him just to prove I claimed the territory fair and square. His hands stayed at my waist and I ran mine over his chest as I pulled his shirt off. Oh whoowee! Somebody's been working out!
I was becoming impatient and was in no mood to be teased. I left his chest and began to travel down to his waste. I unbuckled his belt and before I could pull the zipper down, everything went down hill. Oh no. No, no, no.
"Jules-don't." He had frozen and added, "Just get off me."
Fuck. I blew it; the wrong move came. All I could do was say every curse word in my head and when I ran out of them, I started to make up new ones. Cause I messed up big time. I was dying inside, just staring at Freddy's back. He sat on the side of the bed in silence for a while, then let out a big groan.
"Jules...I,"
"God, just spit it out. I don't care."
"I really don't know what I should say..."
"Hmm...how 'bout this, 'You're repulsive Jules.' Oh don't bother. You already managed to say it without a single word coming out of your mouth!" He reached over to turn the light on. Oh god, please don't. This is humiliating enough and now I'll actually have to see your face in disgust.
"How can you say that?"
"You probably think so! "
He stretched his arm out to take a piece of hair out of my face, but I pulled away. "Don't, okay."
Freddy just sighed. "I didn't mean that. Look...it's not you. Wasn't you at all. It's me."
I laughed. Laughed real hard that my eyes watered and I was gasping for air. If this was his way of blowing me off, he wasn't being very creative about it
"Oh, did you come up with that one all by yourself? Let me guess, your next line was gonna be 'I hope we can still be friends.' " He looked serious and said, "But it really is me!"
"Yeah, whatever you say. But I think we both know that its not you and it really is me. ME! " It was pissing me off that he just couldn't admit it.
Freddy ran his hands through his hair frustrated. "Look, I'm sorry. But I just can't. Not now. Not with you."
Not with you. So it was me. He just totally lied in my face. This was bullshit.
"Oh but you can do it with about fifty other girls, huh? "
"Common now Jules...this is stupid. "
"Stupid. YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH EVERY GIRL IN SIGHT! But when it comes to me, you push me off! What? Is it cause I'm not blond? My legs aren't long enough for you? Please give me something cause I'm really not getting it!"
"I wish I could tell you. But I can't. Sorry."
I would not cry. As much as it hurt, I wasn't gonna show him. I was better than that. "Well you know what? I really don't give a flying fuck, so you can save the trouble of telling me! Just...just don't talk to me!"
I walked out and went into my room, making sure I slammed the door hard enough for him to tell that I was not handling this very well.
