To molest, or not to molest. That was the question.

Christopher sighed. In all fairness, molesting David while he was asleep could be a bit annoying. And a lot creepy. And he really wanted a cup of coffee.


David woke up alone. Which wasn't what he'd been expecting. He wasn't sure exactly what he had been expecting, but waking up alone wasn't it. If he had been expecting something, it would have been having Christopher wrapped around him tight enough to be a second skin, a third skin consisting of Christopher's drool, thanks to his overactive salivary glands, and he also fully expected Jalil to be yelling at the two of them, considering they'd completely fucked up his lab. Something like that.

David woke up alone.

Okay. He could swing with that. It wasn't like he'd been looking forward to chaos and dysfunction, right?

Oh Christ. He needed coffee.


"Christopher, what in God's name are you doing?"

"Making eggs."

April walked over to the counter and poured herself a cup of goat's milk. "I hate to break it to you, but you traditionally don't cook the eggshells with the eggs."

"I know that," Christopher pouted. Yeesh, did she think he was completely retarded? Christopher poked the eggs with the fork a few more times. "The eggshells refuse to leave the egg behind."

"Always a problem," April added solemnly. "Might I ask why you're making eggs in the first place, since you don't even like them?"

"David does."

"I see." April turned around to hide her grin. The two of them were so cute!

"Shut up. And stop smiling."

"Okay. Sure. So you and David are doing the couple thing, huh?"

"I guess. I mean, we didn't exactly talk about it, but whatever. I think it could be cool. Now that angsty-hero David is pretty much out of commission, I realize that I like not angsty-hero David."

"I knew there was a reason you two always fought so much. Besides Senna."

"Okay, April, thou shalt not mention to S-word in this household for two very good reasons. One, she was a witch. Anyone who's watched enough horror movies and is worth their salt knows that if you say a witch's name, she'll come back."

"Chris–"

"Two, she is not only my ex, but David's too. Don't mention the ex-girlfriends."

"Why are you talking in italics?"

"What?"

"Um... your eggs are burning!"

"Shit." The eggs were looking a little on the brown side. And just because Christopher didn't eat eggs didn't mean he didn't know what they were supposed to look like. Right.

"Want me to help?"

"No! If you make David's eggs for him, it defeats the purpose."

"What's the purpose?"

"You know... the purpose!"

"Christopher, you seem a little frazzled."

"I'm a lot frazzled. Shut up."

"What are you two doing?" David walked into the room, running a hand through his hair. Christopher almost collapsed into a pool of drool right then and there. Sleepy-eyed David and rumpled hair. Gah.

April stepped away from the stove and smiled sweetly. "Christopher was burning the eggs."

"They're not burnt!" Everyone looked down at the black mass in the pan. "All right, they're more like incinerated."

"Chris, you don't like eggs." It was too early in the morning for this.

"No, but you do."

David raised an eyebrow. "... you were making me eggs?"

"Attempting to."

"You realize this has all the makings of a mpreg?" April cracked.

"What?"

"Um... never mind." With that, she scurried out of the kitchen with a mad grin on her face. The boys watched her leave with raised eyebrows.

After a moment David sighed and placed a hand over his eyes. "Just come back to bed."

"And again... what?"

"Come back to bed," David repeated. "You kept me up half the night, for one, and I can't deal with this right now, for two. For three... I swear there was a three."

Christopher gave the eggs a parting stab before patting David reassuringly on the shoulder. "Take your time. It'll come back."

"Are you mocking me?"

"Possibly. Look, David, we've been over this. It's not a big deal. Don't worry so much!"

"One of us has to worry!"

"I am worried! But what am I supposed to do about it? It's only going to last until you wake up one morning and it hits you. 'Holy shit! I've been sleeping with Christopher Hitchcock! A guy! A guy I hate!' It's an ugly road." Christopher flung the pan towards the stone sink. "I'm just want to enjoy it until then, all right?"

Oh shit. "I don't hate you."

"What?"

"I don't hate you, okay?" David looked up at the ceiling and silently cursed. This was. So. Damn. Gay. "I never hated you, and I certainly don't now. C'mon. I mean, I let you drool all over me."

"That's true." Christopher perked up immediately. "Can I drool on you again?"

"I knew I shouldn't have let the author give you a drool fetish..."

"What?"

"Um... let's make out on the kitchen table!"

"Okay!"


"I wouldn't go in there."

Jalil slowly turned around and counted to ten. "And why not?"

"Christopher and David are making out on the table."

"I had to ask," Jalil sighed. "When do you think they'll be... done?"

"Well, if yesterday was any indication... I'd give them a couple of hours."

"Great!" he exploded. "Just great. They're going to have sex all over the house, I can tell."

"We'll have to check every surface before we sit down," April added cheerfully.

"... I'm locking the lab from now on."

There was a thump and a muffled curse from the kitchen, followed by a loud groan.

April sighed happily. "Isn't it great?"

"I'm going to be sick."

"Can't you be happier for them?"

"Can't they have quieter sex?"


It's a crack!fic. Enjoy, damn it!

I am SO SORRY I took this long. In my defense, for the past two weeks or so I haven't even had a computer. And I pretty much roasted my sister over open flames because of it.

More soon :)