Yay, Chapter 2!!
Oh, yeah. If you, the Reader, do not understand something, assume it is an inside joke between me and my friends. If you so wish an explanation, ask via a review, and review my story while you're at it.
Here we go again.
Frodo…I mean Luke…had packed his bag and was now ready to leave Parcel-End along with Wedge…I mean Sam…no, I mean Wedge.
And a good thing, too.
The Dark Lord had sent out his nine messengers to search for the ring. They were all Royal Guards, but they were designated the Seagûll because the Dark Lord was bored and had needed to give someone an interesting name.
So the Seagûll had spread out in the Shire and were currently searching for the Ring. They had no idea that the Ring was currently leaving the Shire, otherwise they probably would have, too.
Luke and Wedge had been instructed to meet Obi-Wan at an inn called the Panicking Pony over at the town that Obi-Wan had forgotten the name of, which was Bree by popular belief. Actually, the town had once been called Breeze, but people decided to drop the last two letters because there was never any wind there, making it a very inappropriate name.
So, to get there faster, Luke and Wedge cut through a bit of land that was owned by a nasty antisocial hobbit called Farmer Maggot. What parent would name their kid Maggot? Honestly. But anyway, the tall rows of corn hid them rather nicely from the mean farmer's view.
"Wait a minute." Luke stopped. "Did you hear something?"
Wedge cocked his head. "Uhh, you mean that apocalyptic rustling noise that's coming closer and closer, warning us of our feasibly imminent doom?"
"Yeah, that."
"Yeah, I hear it."
They panicked.
Suddenly two figures, coming out of the corn unexpectedly, crashed right into them, sending various kinds of garden produce all over the ground.
"Oh, hey, Luke. Hey, Wedgie," said Han, scrambling to pick up the dropped carrots and heads of lettuce.
"Will you stop calling me that?" complained Wedge.
"Sorry, Wedgie."
"Urrrrrrrrf, urfurfurf," Chewbacca laughed.
Luke shook his head. "Have you two been into Maggot's garden again?"
Han shrugged. "Maybe. What do you think?"
"No time," hissed Luke as the sound of angry Farmer Maggot drew closer.
"Run," suggested Wedge. They all thought that was an excellent idea.
Unfortunately, Maggot's agricultural property abruptly came to an end at the edge of a steep bank leading down to a dirt road.
They were unable to halt their momentum and tumbled down the slope, the lettuce, carrots and turnips following them closely, and all landed in a heap at the bottom.
[Oh,] remarked Chewie, looking at a not-so-far-off horse pie, [that was close.]
Han scrambled off and began re-gathering his vegetables.
Wedge munched on a carrot.
Luke found himself on the path, staring into the distant curve of the road. Suddenly the forest seemed to shrink in on him. He blinked and shook his head, reminding himself to take another pill at the next meal.
"Look, mushrooms," called Han. The three hobbits started pigging out.
Something was wrong. "We have to get off the path," Luke said quietly, then more loudly, "Off the path! Quick!"
The others shrugged and, crossing the road, settled down in the crevice of a tree trunk, out of sight, still pigging out.
"There's a disturbance in the Force," Luke whispered, starting to panic.
They all looked at him strangely, their mouths filled with cauliflower. Then they looked at each other and shrugged.
A horse could be heard cantering down the path towards them. The three stopped eating and began to feel scared.
It was a bright red horse, and riding on it was a dude decked out in an identical shade of red. He floated off the horse to scan the area more closely.
Luke felt a sudden urge to put on the Ring. He searched his pocket for it.
Oh, right. He hadn't put it in his pocket.
He checked the chain at his neck.
No Ring.
Huh?
He looked in his other pocket. He looked in all his pockets, and resisted the urge to yell, CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He had forgotten the Ring at home.
PANIC!!!!!!!!!
AGH!!!! LUKE!!!!! THIS WAS NOT IN YOUR SCRIPT!!!!!
"Sorry," he whispered. "Um, can I go back and get it?"
Well, I guess you'll just have to, now won't you? Sheesh. I try to narrate a story, and my characters just have to go and screw it all up. Now, thanks to you, Middle-earth is doomed. Oh, well, I guess that's just too bad, isn't it?
"Well, you could just make it…here…like all of a sudden…right?"
…*sigh* Fine.
Luke found the Ring in his pocket and was about to put it on when the Seagûll left.
"What was that?" Wedge asked, once it was safe.
"I dunno," Han exclaimed, "but he sure had bad breath. I mean, whoo, boy! What had he been eating, garlic pizza? Holy nerf, that was some evil smell!"
"Hrrrrrrnnnnn," Chewbacca agreed.
Luke rolled his eyes, but silently agreed. He had smelled it too, and he had been the farthest away. Actually, come to think of it, maybe the breath was what made them evil…
But anyway.
Luke sighed. "He was after the Ring."
Han rolled his eyes. "You mean that decoder one you got in the Froot Loops box when you were seven? Honestly, I thought you were past that stage!"
"No, not that one! I trashed it years ago!" (he secretly still kept it in his pocket, next to the little plastic soldier) "I'm talking about a different Ring. The One Ring."
They stared at him blankly.
He explained as much as had sunk in the previous night.
They shrugged and decided to get on with life, and come with him on his quest. Besides, who ever went on quests? It sounded very exciting to a bunch of hobbits who had never been out of the Shire, but instead spent all afternoon discussing the varieties of wild strawberries in the comfort of their living room.
"Ooo," said Han, finding a bush. "Wild strawberries."
Chewbacca, Luke, and Wedge tackled him and started pigging out.
Meanwhile Obi-Wan was walking toward a really big tower that was all black and pretty and had various balconies and pointless little hook-like decorations all over it.
The Head Wizard Guy came out to meet him.
"Hello," said Obi-Wan.
"Hiiii!!!" said the Head Wizard Guy, who happened to be Darth Vader the White. Goodness knows why he's called Darth Vader the White. I mean, Saruman is Saruman the White, but, honestly…oh well. All for the sake of the plot, though, I guess.
Obi-Wan resisted the urge to kill his leader. "Does everybody have to do that?"
"What, say "hiiii"? It's a mandatory part of life, I suppose. I was just heading out for a nice little pointless walk around Isengard. Would you like to come along?"
"Certainly. I have something that I wish to discuss with you."
Vader paused for a moment as they began walking. "The Ring?" he guessed at random.
"Yes, actually. It's been found."
"By whom?" Vader was getting noticeably more excited.
"A young hobbit named…oh, why does it matter?" Obi-Wan cut himself off. "Anyway, he's on his way to destroy it. A most determined young hobbit, I must say," he said, crossing his fingers behind his back. "Completely unafraid and uncomplaining."
Vader watched him curiously. "What're you doing?"
Obi-Wan uncrossed his fingers. "Nothing."
"OK. So, a brave young hobbit is off to destroy the Ring." Vader chuckled (I can't imagine him chuckling…can you?). "Shouldn't the task be assigned to someone more responsible, more reliable?"
Obi-Wan considered. "Naahhh. I'll be assisting him as much as possible, at any rate."
"I see."
They ended up inside the tower after a nice little bit of small talk concerning shrubbery in the shape of squirrels, of which there were several on the lawn.
"OK." Vader turned to Obi-Wan. "I just got a revised version of my script the second before you showed up, so…uh…just a second." He scanned over his script quickly. "Huh? Oh, well. Prepare to die if you don't turn evil." He scratched his helmet. "Did I say that right?"
Sure.
"OK."
Obi-Wan blinked, rather surprised, as the three or four doors in the room (I never kept count) slammed shut. "But…I'm not supposed to turn evil, am I?"
Someone knocked at one of the doors. Vader went to get it.
"Hello?"
It was a mail dude. "Hey, man. I've got something here for an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Is that you, dude?"
Vader pointed to the wizard standing bewildered in the middle of the room.
"Oh, OK." The mail dude walked over and handed Obi-Wan his package.
"Um…thanks." Obi-Wan turned it over, looking for a return address.
The mail dude held out a clipboard. "Sign here, dude."
Obi-Wan signed with a pen he suddenly had, then began ripping open the package as the mail dude left.
"Ooh, it's my new script!!!" Obi-Wan quickly read through the scene.
Vader watched anxiously. "Well? Do you turn evil?"
"Uh…no."
"SHEET!!!!!" Vader pointed at Obi-Wan, who cringed and then slammed into the wall.
The wizard fight scene had begun. Well, actually, it was sort of one-sided.
SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!
Vader finally noticed that Obi-Wan was long unconscious and stopped slamming him against the wall. He dragged him over to the turbolift and sent him up to the top of Orthanc.
Finally, after many arguments over edible growing things found in the woods, Luke, Wedge, Han, and Chewbacca made it to Bree(ze).
Luke pounded on the door. "Let us in!!" he whined. "It's cold and dark and rainy out here!! I wanna go iiiiiinnnn!!!!!"
The gatekeeper irritably opened a little panel at his eye level. Seeing nothing, he wondered if it was ghosts or hobbits, and decided to check by looking through the panel at a hobbit's eye level.
Sure enough, it was hobbits, though one of them was remarkably furry.
"I don't like whiners," the gatekeeper whined. "Why did you have to come here? What if I don't wanna let you in?"
"Then he'll outwhine you," shouted Han. "Go on, kid."
Luke shrugged and took a deep breath. "WWAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! I JUST WANNA GO HOOOOME!!! IT SUCKS HERE!!!!!! WHY DID WE HAVE TO COME WITH STUPID LEMBAS BREAD???!!!??! I DON'T CARE IF THAT ISN'T PART OF THE STORY YET!!! WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
The gatekeeper hastily unlatched the gate. "All right, all right," he complained. "Why did you have to be so loud?"
"Good idea," Wedge whispered to Han.
"Thanks, Wedgie."
"Stop it," Wedge whined, Luke having rubbed off on him a little. Han gave him a shove.
They wandered the streets for a few hours, then decided to look for the Panicking Pony. This proved to be another difficulty, since hobbits were not used to looking for signs so far above their heads. Eventually, though, they caught on and found the Panicking Pony's front door, a few meters away from the gate.
Inside was a rather high desk. Luke cleared his throat. "HEY PERSON!!!!"
The person he was referring to looked around, surprised, then thought maybe it was a hobbit and looked down. Sure enough, there stood four hobbits, though one was remarkably furry.
"We want a room," said Han, making sure to take over so Luke didn't ruin the situation by whining. "Anything hobbit-sized?"
The receptionist or whatever he was grinned. "Sure. On the 152763rd floor."
They groaned.
Han butted in again. "Anything on the, say, second floor?"
"Yup, but it's human-sized."
"We'll manage," said Han, and put a bunch of carrots on the counter. "On the name Overkill." He looked pointedly at Luke, who understood, and was actually instructed to go as Mr. Overkill by Obi-Wan, even though the Narrator hadn't put that in yet, but…whatever.
The receptionist looked at the carrots, sniffed at them, nodded, and placed a key on the counter, and wondered, Is that name some sort of cruel joke?
Han pocketed the key. "OK, guys, we got ourselves a room. Now, let's get some ale!!"
"Yeah!!!!" the others cried enthusiastically.
Han found a table, and he, Luke, and Wedge sat at it, Chewie off somewhere.
Chewie returned shortly with a huge mug full of frothy liquor.
"What's that?" Wedge asked in awe.
[This, my friend, is a pint,] Chewie explained dreamily.
Han and Wedge scrambled up eagerly.
"Oh, I want one of those!!"
"Wait for me!!"
Luke watched them race off, then toyed with the Ring that hung on the chain about his neck.
Sometime during the course of the evening, he glanced over and saw Wedge talking with someone.
"Oh, yeah, we came along with Luke Skywalker over there…" He babbled on.
Luke panicked and put on the Ring.
Everything went weird all of a sudden.
Oh, so you want more of a description? Fine. It was darker, yet he could still see all right. It was windy and cold, even though he was still in the inn.
Wherever each one was, all nine of the Seagûll turned and started galloping toward Bree(ze).
Luke saw a big black door, far away and yet too close. The door was flaming. He couldn't make out what it was whispering, so he yelled, "WHAAAAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!"
The door somehow rolled its nonexistent eyes and repeated loudly, "I SAAIIID, IF YOU WERE LISTENING, YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD WHAT I SAID, BUT IT'S TOO LATE NOW, ISN'T IT? I JUST TRY AND TRY, BUT NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO FLAMING BLACK DOORS ANYMORE!!! WHAT'S WITH THAT? I MEAN,—"
Luke cut off the door's spiel by pulling off the Ring and found himself hiding under a table. He scrambled out and brushed himself off. No one seemed to notice him, which was probably good…
Uh-oh. The black-cloaked figure he had seen sitting alone in a corner earlier now grabbed his arm and pulled him up the narrow set of stairs. The waiter-person had said people called this guy Strider, or something. A Ranger, supposedly.
Oh, well. Whatever he was, he wasn't being that friendly. Time to panic.
Luke was dragged into a different room than his own and shoved down on the floor while the cloaked guy went around the room, snuffing candles with his fingers.
"Oh, OW!!!!" The stranger nursed his index finger and thumb after not quite achieving this with the last candle.
Luke watched him curiously, still feeling a tad panicked.
The stranger sucked on his finger for a moment, then shrugged and threw back his hood.
Luke gaped. "Han?! How'd you get so…tall?"
The stranger stared at him. "How'd you know my name?"
After a moment of confusion, Luke determined that the Ranger was not his hobbit friend Han, but rather a human version that somehow looked exactly the same and had the same name, as well. It just got stranger and stranger as he looked at the Ranger. Stranger…Ranger…hmm. The Narrator made a rhyme.
Wedge, hobbit Han, and Chewie charged in the door and stopped in total surprise. Hobbit Han fainted. Human Han had to go and open the window for a moment. Chewie was in absolute bewilderment. Wedge groaned. Two Hans, now. Great.
A little while later, everyone was back to their normal conscious self, and the two Hans couldn't stop staring at each other.
Human Han thought for a while, then pointed at hobbit Han. "You aren't called Han, are you?"
"Uh, yeah. I'm Han," responded hobbit Han.
Human Han thought again. "Have we met?"
"I don't think so…wait a minute…uh, nope."
The taller Han sighed and shrugged. "I guess we'll just have to live with it."
"Uh…I guess."
Everyone stood in silence for a moment.
Wedge remembered what they were there for. "Oh, yeah. Unhand that hobbit, longshanks!!"
Han the human gave them an amused glance, then looked briefly out the window. "Well, I'd guess we haven't got long before they arrive."
"Who?" Luke wondered.
"Why, the Seagûll, of course. They'll be rather annoyed when they discover you've got the Ring and are trying to destroy it." Han paused. "That is what you're trying to do, isn't it?"
Luke nodded dumbly.
Yoda suddenly poofed out of nowhere. "No! Do or do not! There is no try!"
"Shut up," they all yelled.
Yoda disappeared in a cloud of smoke with a loud bang that startled them.
"Right," said human Han. "Let's get moving."
The gatekeeper peered irritably out of the peephole. No one had come to visit today except for those annoying hobbits. He hated hobbits. Hobbits were a virus.
Suddenly four bright red horses came up on the path and started banging on the gate. His eyes widened as the entire gate toppled over on top of him.
Splat. The four horses rode into Bree(ze), carrying four red riders.
The Seagûll dismounted with a bit of trouble (#6 got his foot caught in his stirrup) and floated into the Panicking Pony. They asked the receptionist rather nicely where four hobbits were, got their answer and floated upstairs.
Now, Seagûll were not very good with numbers. The hobbits' room had been 152763. The Seagûll went to room 153762, and knocked on the door, which was a very pretty-like nice door from the company More-Door. Thus they could not resist knocking on it.
The door sllllllowwwwly opened. The Seagûll held their breath.
IT WAS THE CLEAVAGE DEMON!!!!! PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they screamed in absolute horror, and floated away as fast as they could.
The Cleavage Demon shrugged and closed the door carefully (which happened to be a very nice door, if I do say so myself).
The Seagûll killed the receptionist, then looked up the hobbits and found the receptionist had been right, after all. Oh, well, a bit late for that now. They floated back up, to room 152763.
Resisting the compelling urge to knock on another beautiful door, they broke it down with profuse apologies and drew their swords.
Each of the four man-sized beds had a small hobbit-sized lump under the blankets.
STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB!
After finally determining that they were not stabbing hobbits, the Seagûll threw off the covers.
A fat teddy bear was under each cover.
The Seagûll all screamed unintelligibly and decided their GPS system had led them astray. They trashed their GPS thingies and floated moodily out of the inn and back onto their horses (#6, who had gotten caught in his stirrup previously and was still not having a good day, missed his horse entirely and smashed into a wall).
Luke, Wedge, hobbit Han, Chewie, and human Han all sighed in relief, being in a different room.
Human Han looked thoughtful, then announced, "Tomorrow we're going to Rivendell."
[Is it anything like Riven?] asked Chewie, who adored PC and console games. He had an Xbox, Gamecube, Playstation 2, and a Pentium 4 desktop at home with the latest in technology, all of which he missed dearly.
"No, it's not like Riven," answered human Han, who somehow also understood Shyriiwook (the Wookiee language that this certain hobbit spoke for some odd reason). "It's a ravine with lots of pretty trees and buildings and elves and—" He broke off, blushing furiously.
"Ohhhhh," said the hobbits slyly, getting it. "Pretty elves."
"Shut up," muttered human Han.
"What's her name?" blurted Wedge, forgetting that discretion is the better part of valor.
Human Han glared at him, then sighed wistfully. "Leia."
They all giggled, then shut up as human Han gave them a glare of DEATH.
Wedge looked like he was going to say something again when Luke kicked him. He thought better of it and shut up.
OK. Could I have your attention here for a minute? I'm just going to put a change in effect. Hobbit Han will be Han A, since he arrived in the story first, and human Han will be Han B.
Actually, forget it. I'll just leave it like it was before.
OK, that's it. Thanks for your time. We're going to move back to the story now. Ready?
*poof*
Well, that was painless. You can all go home now.
Just kidding.
Anyway, the next morning presented the fact that the Seagûll were nowhere in sight of the Panicking Pony. So Luke, Wedge, hobbit Han, human Han, and Chewie decided to continue the trip to More-Door, via Rivendell.
[I prefer to think of it as more of an adventure than a trip, a wholesome experience for the mind,] commented Chewie, who now wanted to play Myst and Riven and Exile all over again.
"Yeah, whatever," said hobbit Han, who wanted to drink ale.
After a while of walking, they came into a country that looked very flat. The hobbits immediately became bored, because they were used to lots of nice rolling hills and trees. But this…well, it was about as exciting as being trapped in a library entirely consisting of maudlin, insipid romance novels. Yechhh.
"Where are we?" Luke whined. "It's so flat and boring and stupid here. Why did we have to go this way? I don't like it here. Why can't we—"
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled human Han, very annoyed. "I don't really like it here either, but it was either this or the long way around, with Orcs. This land's called Saskatchewan."
"Why does it have such a funny name if it's so boring?" wondered Wedge.
"I don't see why it has to have a name at all," complained Luke. "Why would someone even bother to come here and name it…Sarzkitchewywarn, if it's so boring and flat? What's it good for? Why is it even part of Middle-earth?"
"It's not," interrupted human Han, hoping to keep Luke quiet. "It's part of an obscure country called Canada that somehow extends into Middle-earth. We skipped customs because that would take too long." Americans, he thought, not remembering that Harrison Ford is from Chicago. That's what someone told the Narrator, anyway.
"So we're illegal immigrants?" said Wedge, not really sure if he liked that idea.
"Oh, don't worry, Wedgie," broke in hobbit Han. "What kind of a police force would patrol here? It's not like anyone would be stupid enough to travel across this place."
They all laughed…then realized they were laughing at themselves.
"Why does that always seem to happen to me?" sputtered Luke.
Hobbit Han jokingly shoved him. "It's 'cause you're such an easy target, Pluke."
Everyone laughed again while Luke pouted.
Obi-Wan woke up somewhere windy and thought that he must not be at Bree for that reason. Crap, I'm supposed to meet them at Bree. Those two hobbits… um…oh, yes. Luke and Wedge. Right.
He gradually wondered why he was thinking so slowly, then realized he had been thrown on top of a tower.
A really big and tall tower. What was its name again? Oh, yeah. Orthanc, in Isengard.
He got up dizzily and looked around. Nice panoramic view, at any rate.
What was he doing there?
The fight. Or rather, his thrashing. He winced in painful memory. Kind of embarrassing, for a wizard.
"HEY, MOTH," he yelled to a passing moth. It flew up to him inquisitively.
"Tell the Eagle King to come," said Obi-Wan. "Remind him he owes me for that latte last month."
The moth somehow nodded and flew off.
End of Chapter 2! Tune in next time to read about more bizarre happenings in the land of Middle-earth!
Oh, yeah. I'll give you an explanation about the Cleavage Demon. She was a character that appeared in the anime movie series Magic Knights, which I watched in Japanese with English subtitles. Very Fun! And her costume is as the nickname we gave her suggests. Sorry…I forget her real name.
