Here's the next chapter. I almost kinda sorta forgot about it, then my friend Lindo (not her real name) sent an email and pointed a finger accusingly at me.

So…here's some more. Sorry it took so darned long.

Our brave travelers then came upon Weathertop, the watchtower on the hill, and proceeded to build a bonfire, so intelligent were they.

Unfortunately for the Seagûll, their visors were opaque, and while #6 thought he smelled fire, the others disagreed, said it was only his imagination, and duct-taped him to a tree. The others had forgotten, of course, that dead-but-not-quite people such as the Seagûll had no imagination as they had no medulla oblongata (tap your head. Inside is your medulla oblongata, hopefully), and therefore #6 must have been right about the fire. Oh, well.

The five on Weathertop roasted marshmallows and told horror stories until it was way past their bedtime, so they spanked themselves for being naughty, called Social Services, filled out child abuse forms, and resumed roasting marshmallows and telling horror stories.

"Once," began human Han, "there was a door-peddler that traveled along civilized lands."

The hobbits' eyes widened in horror and panic as they listened.

"This door-peddler," continued Han, "was the main marketer of the corporation whose name I shall not utter here. He had destroyed an entire village when he was suddenly incapacitated—"

"Incarcerated," interrupted Jandalf, who had suddenly appeared to correct people who made literary mistakes.

Human Han was so annoyed at this, he completely forgot about anything else, including the rest of the story. The hobbits were so overcome by the sudden appearance and disappearance of a strange orange wizard that they had never seen before that they hid under their marshmallows in panic.

Thus their night passed without much occurrence.

Well…almost.

~~~

Seagûll #6 realized his script had backfired. After he managed to get himself out of the duct tape, he went to the others and calmly screamed at them about what they were supposed to do.

The other Seagûll checked their scripts, screamed, had a nice bout of panic, then settled in for the ride back to Weathertop.

~~~

Luke randomly woke up at about four in the morning. Annoyed that his brain would do such a thing to him, he decided to take a little walk around the top of the watchtower, then go back to sleep.

As he was passing one of the windows…

OK. Let me reword that. As he was passing one of the wide-open spaces that were separated only by a few pillars, he saw about four blobs of red moving closer.

Or, more accurately, closer to where he and the others were.

He thought of panicking, but decided there would be plenty of time for that after he woke the others up. So he woke them all up, then let himself panic.

"Don't panic," said human Han, panicking.

The Seagûll started to climb the hill, grunting and panting because they were rather out of shape, being almost-dead-but-not-quite.

Human Han drew his sword as the hobbits panicked because they realized they didn't have any swords.

"Get some burning branches from the fire!!" shouted human Han. "The Seagûll are afraid of it!!"

"Why?! They're bright red!!!"

"I don't know!!! Just do!!"

Chewie bravely grabbed a brand and chucked it at one of the Seagûll, which happened to be unlucky #6 again. #6 fell screaming down the hill in flames while his three pals advanced, screaming unintelligibly.

Wedge, hobbit Han, and Chewie swung brands around at #7 in blind panic while human Han dueled with #3, ignoring the fact the his sword was broken off a foot away from the hilt, which impeded his success somewhat…

Luke backed up to one of the spindly pillars as Seagûll #1 approached him menacingly, screaming something that sounded like gimme gimme gimme gimme!!!

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Luke screamed, and put on the Ring.

Everything went weird again. Luke could now see under the Seagûll's mask. His face looked like a politician. Luke was horribly afraid of politicians. He panicked as the Seagûll jabbed him with a doomy-looking toothpick.

Human Han started tickling #3, who screamed in anguish and jumped off the cliff. The hobbits helped him to arson #1, who followed #3 down the cliff, screaming even louder, if that was possible.

They danced around for a little while, overwhelmed by their success and pyromania, then remembered Luke.

Luke pulled off the Ring, in great pain.

"Mr. Luke!!!!" cried Wedge.

"Quick!" said human Han. "We've got to get him out of here. He's been pricked with the Toothpick of Doom, a foul weapon straight out of More-Door!!!"

The hobbits panicked and picked Luke up, who was thrashing and mumbling something about Spam.

The hobbits wondered at this.

"If we don't get him to Rivendell in time," explained human Han as they panicked along, "he'll turn into an evil block of Spam!!"

The hobbits panicked some more and ran faster.

Suddenly a horse pulled up beside them. They panicked then realized it was not red.

Human Han looked up at the rider in joy. "Leia!!!"

She was about to respond when she fell off the horse and got beamed up by Snotty because she does not belong there. The Narrator has decided to follow the book's course of action for now, much to human Han's dismay.

The rider was a male elf, and somehow managed to swing all of them up on the horse. Since the Narrator cannot at the moment think of a Star Wars character that her friends know of to replace Glorfindel, we'll just put a Rogue Squadron pilot suit on our friend and leave him there.

"Hiii!!!!" said Glorfindel cheerily.

Fortunately for him, Obi-Wan was elsewhere at the moment.

"Hiiii!!!!" replied hobbit Han, Luke, and Wedge.

"Urrrrf!!!" replied Chewie.

Human Han just sighed with disappointment.

"What's wrong?" asked Glorfindel.

"Well, you wouldn't really understand, but…you're not as pretty as Leia."

Glorfindel glared at him. "Am too!! In a machismo sort of way."

Human Han rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Machismo for an Elf, pretty boy." He imitated the Elf's voice. "I'm so machismo, I use Herbal Essences!"

Glorfindel nearly shoved the Ranger off the horse. "Quit joking around. We need to get the Halfling to Rivendell before nightfall."

Everyone giggled at this, even Luke.

"Whaaaat??" Glorfindel glared at them, not getting it.

Human Han almost fell off the horse. "Before nightfall? (much laughter) It's two o-clock AM, Morning Glory."

"QUIT THAT!!!!!!!!!" Glorfindel bawled.

~~~

Obi-Wan drummed his fingers impatiently. It was taking the Eagle King long enough, to be sure.

Finally he saw the shadowy form swoop in on him.

He jumped off the side. The Eagle King dove under him.

They flew off, rather gloriously, though no one really saw them.

~~~

The hobbits, human Han, and Glorfindel raced along in the dawn light. The horse was getting very tired, bearing the weight of approximately 3 or 4 average-sized creatures.

"OK," shouted Glorfindel, "Almost there!"

They hurriedly crossed a wide shallow stream that was enclosed by high cliff walls.

The Seagûll arrived at the other side a second later.

Glorfindel pulled up to a black panel set in the stone cliff by the path. It seemed to be an intercom.

"Inhabitants of Rivendell!!" he yelled into it. "Flush all toilets!! Repeat, flush all toilets!!!"

Human Han stared at him in incredulous accusation. "And you always said that was magic."

The Elf grinned impudently.

The clustered Seagûll were swept away by an enormous surge of water. No, it was not sewage.

"We Elves are more immortal than you might think," explained Glorfindel. "We don't ever have to go, even though we do eat. Don't ask; we don't really know how that works, either. We just keep the washrooms for visitors."

~~~

The hobbits arrived at an instant conclusion upon entering the valley; human Han was right about one thing. The buildings sure were pretty.

Han was looking for something else, though. Er…someone else.

The hobbits noticed his behavior and started giggling.

He threw a glance back at them that read shut up or I'll push you off the horse.

Chewie let out one more snort, then it was over.

Glorfindel took out a long-range radio. "Farmer in the Dell, this is Heedless Horseman, over."

A voice crackled in that was familiar to human Han. "Heedless Horseman, you have Farmer in the Dell, over."

"Intercepted our expected guests, bringing them in, over."

"Copy that, Horseman. We'll have a stall in the stable ready. Over and out."

Glorfindel put the radio back in his pocket. "Righto."

~~~

They came to a halt outside the stable grounds. Glorfindel hopped off and helped down the hobbits while human Han jumped off and stretched.

"OK, then." Glorfindel pointed down a wide hall. "You five go down there and whoever you meet first…well, whatever." He walked off with the horse.

The hobbits exchanged confused glances as human Han started down the hall, then they followed him. He looked a bit worried.

[What's wrong?] Chewie asked.

"Aw…nothing."

The door opened. Han halted in his tracks, the hobbits colliding behind him.

"Hey!!"

"What's going on?"

[Ow!!]

"Let's keep life moving, longshanks!"

"Shut up," he grated, as the new person approached them.

The two stared at each other.

The new Elf spoke first, his arms crossed. "You slimy double-crossing no good swindler. You got a lot of guts, coming here, after what you pulled."

Han raised his eyebrows.

The Elf walked up closer and jerked up his fists.

Han flinched.

The Elf started laughing and hugged him. "How ya doin', you old pirate? So good to see ya!!"

"Lando," muttered Han, "You've got to stop watching those movies."

"Sorry," said Lando, stepping back. He looked down behind Han. "I suppose that's the Ringbearer and his co-conspirators."

Luke eyed Lando dubiously.

"Actually," piped up Wedge, "we're saving Middle-earth."

Lando grinned broadly. "Right."

Luke collapsed on the floor.

Everyone panicked, except for Lando, who had no idea that Luke had been pricked with a Toothpick of Doom.

Human Han swept Luke up and ran for a medic.

~~~

It was several days later when Luke finally became aware of a vague blur of light. "Whhaaa?" he groaned. "Where 'm I? Wha' time izzit?"

He heard a sound much like the riffling of the pages of a daily planner. "Hmm, let's see. Ah. It's the twenty-first of October, ten o-clock in the morning, if you want to know."

Luke woke right away. "Obi-Wan!!"

The wizard sat beside his bed. "Who were you expecting? The Tooth Fairy?"

"Uh…no. Should I have been?"

Obi-Wan sighed at Luke's slowness. "Welcome back to the world of the mostly living."

"What do you mean, mostly?"

……"Never mind that." He put away his daily planner. "We've been waiting for you to wake up for nigh on three days now. Well…some have been waiting." He sighed wistfully. "You were actually quite close to death…"

Luke shuddered. "What would have happened then?"

"Oh, I don't know. Very likely we'd all be doomed, and there would never ever be any more chocolate."

They both grew very silent at the thought.

"But," continued Obi-Wan, brightening up, "let's not talk of such things here. Wedge is waiting for you outside, along with Han and Chewbacca."

"Which Han?"

"Uh…both, I think."

"Oh. OK, I'll be right up."

~~~

Soon after, the council was held on Lando's circular deck that had a beautiful view of the ravine and only served to distract the meeting's members from the discussion at hand.

Obi-Wan was there with Luke, along with human Han. It had been decided that it would be better if the other three hobbits would stay out of the council.

The others were not limited to but included the Dwarf Watto, son of another Dwarf originally named Gloin in LOTR but not here, the Elf-prince Isolder from Mirkwood, and another human, Anakin of Gondor, who kept stealing strange glances at Luke.

(-Comment on Prince Isolder, who is actually the prince of Hapes in Star Wars: the Narrator used him because the Narrator could not think of anyone else for the moment. Imagine him as a tall hot blonde guy, which he is supposed to be in Star Wars anyway. If you have any more questions, ask me.)

Lando started off the meeting by commenting on how nice the day was, and that the double chocolate fudge cake of DEATH that they had had after supper had been exceptionally fatal today.

Everyone nodded in approval and murmured their agreement.

"Right, then," he continued. "Everyone knows why we're here. So—"

"Um," interrupted Isolder, "actually, I don't know why I'm here."

Watto put up his hand. "Uhhhmmm, me neither."

"Yeah," commented Anakin. "Why are we here?"

At this, the rest of the party started looking very confused.

Lando sighed eloquently. "We are here to discuss the fate of the Ring."

Isolder again. "What Ring?"

"You know, the One Ring. The Ring of Power," Luke offered.

Isolder gave him a blank stare.

Obi-Wan and Lando sighed simultaneously and Obi-Wan spent the next two and a half hours telling them the story, answering questions, repeating the story, and answering more questions.

Then story-time was finally over.

Unfortunately for Obi-Wan, Isolder had spent the entire time looking at Leia, who was sitting beside Lando, so the wizard shouted the key points at him rather angrily, and Isolder got it.

Obi-Wan sat back in his deck chair and wearily rubbed his temples. "Right, that's done. Now, Luke, if you will?"

Luke stood and put the Ring down on the top of the stone pedestal that sat in the middle of the group.

Watto and Anakin moved their coffee cups, and then everyone could see it.

"Ooh," said Isolder. "What's that?"

Another two hours passed, in which young Isolder learned a different sort of history lesson by the means of an enraged wizard.

Then story-time was actually finally over.

"So," repeated Lando once everyone was sitting again, "what do we do with the Ring?"

They all sat in silence, staring at the little bit of smoke rising from Obi-Wan's head.

Then Watto the Dwarf snorted. "It's just a Ring, we have these all the time in the junkyards. I'll destroy it!!" And with this, he proceeded to pour his bottom-of-the-pot coffee over the Ring.

The coffee left the Ring unscathed, but ate away at the stone pedestal until the Ring was sitting on a little molten lump of granite.

Lando covered his eyes and shook his head.

Luke was rolling in agony, trying to get the flaming door out of his head.

Obi-Wan raised his voice over the ruckus. "There is no way to destroy it, except for casting it back into Mount Doom."

"And that's in More-Door, right?" cut in Anakin. "So someone's going on a suicide mission?"

"No," said Obi-Wan, "I'll not be going on a suicide mission. Of course," he looked pointedly at Anakin, "whether or not it will be a suicide mission depends entirely on the ingenuity of the one on the mission."

"Oooh, burrrrrn," Lando said appreciatively.

Anakin's face reddened, and he blurted, "Can we please get back on the subject at hand?"

Everyone except for Obi-Wan and Luke got the sudden urge to stand up and argue. So they did, shouting things regarding who would take the Ring to More-Door.

Luke saw the Ring. The Ring saw Luke. Well, figuratively speaking, of course…anyway, Luke knew the Ring was causing the dispute, so he stood up and said loudly, "I will take the Ring to More-Door."

No one heard him over the noise of their own voices.

He shouted now. "I WILL TAKE THE RING TO MORE-DOOR!!!"

They quieted and turned around to stare at him.

"Though," he added softly, "I do not know the way."

Everyone looked at each other. They had not been expecting this, for a mere hobbit to offer to be the Ringbearer. Then they shrugged. Who were they kidding? None of them really wanted to face the Ringbearer's perils, anyway. But, reasoned some, they might as well look brave.

Isolder decided to be the first to look brave. "Aw, I guess I'll go with you."

Watto was not about to be left out. "And me!!"

Han did not just look brave, he was feeling brave. "And I, as well." (Can you picture him saying that? Heeheehee!!)

Anakin stood up somewhat reluctantly. "Count me in."

Wedge suddenly scrambled over the railing of the deck, to everyone's surprise, and ran over to Luke's side. "You're not going anywhere without me, Mr. Luke!!"

"I thought this was supposed to be a secret meeting," remarked Obi-Wan.

Hobbit Han and Chewie ran out from a doorway where they had been eavesdropping. "We're coming too!!"

The group of nine clustered together.

Lando took out his camera and coined the phrase "Kodak moment". Click!!

They were off.

[Great,] said Chewie enthusiastically. [So, where're we going?]

~~~

A WEEK LATER…

~~~

"Owwww," complained Luke as he picked another thorn from his foot.

Everyone else ignored him and kept walking.

"Hey, guys, wait up!"

Kept walking.

"Waiiiit!!"

Kept walking.

"STOP!!!"

Wedge turned around and helped him up.

Luke muttered under his breath.

"Hey, Mr. Luke, what do they call a quarter-pound cheeseburger in Elvish?" Wedge said, trying to cheer his master up.

Isolder (who, if you'll remember, was an Elf) didn't get it. "Why does everyone keep asking that?"

Watto snickered. "Outmian. Wermo stoopa."

"WHAT?" said Isolder, turning on him. He wanted to trip Watto for speaking in Huttese, but…tripping Watto usually proved to be rather difficult, especially because he was in mid-air all the time.

"I didn't say nothing," Watto snarled.

"Chess ko (careful), Watto," tsked Jandalf, who had suddenly appeared again to clear up literary errors. "You use another double negative and I'll turn you into a politician."

Watto cringed.

Jandalf disappeared in a cloud of orange smoke.

Everyone sneezed as the powdered Tang entered their nostrils.

"Phew." Human Han shook his head. "Next stop, Lothlórien."

Isolder lit up at this and started walking faster.

Han cleared his throat.

Isolder disappeared around a bend in the path.

"HEY, PRETTY BOY!!!!" shouted Han.

Isolder appeared again, his face beet-red. "WHAT???!!!???!!?"

"That's the wrong path." Han pointed to the left fork, instead of the right one that Isolder was headed down.

The Elf rejoined the group in a huff.

~~~

A few days later, some nicer trees started to appear on the landscape. Everyone appreciated this, even Anakin and Watto. Isolder was looking more bouncy than ever, and Luke (surprisingly) was whining less often.

"Now," said human Han in a low voice to the others, "when we enter these woods, we all must use British quotation marks, by preference of the Lady."

"What do you mean, British quotation marks?" asked Luke, confused.

'You must use ones like this,' he explained.

"But that's just weird," griped Luke. "What's the point?"

"Don't question the Lady of the Woods," warned Isolder.

[OK,] quipped Chewie, [then what do I do? I don't use quotation marks, period.]

Han thought about this. "Well, just keep on doing what you're doing, and she'll let us know if she wants it different."

They all agreed on this.

Soon after, they had entered the Wood.

'OK, everyone,' human Han whispered encouragingly. 'Just keep your eyes peeled. They always show up for visitors sooner or later.'

Watto was grumbling again. "I don't see why we have to visit these dumb Elves anyway. We should have gone to Dwarves."

They were immediately surrounded by Elves who pointed long sharp-looking spears and arrows at them.

The lead Elf spoke in a loud commanding voice. 'Does the Dwarf not know of the custom of these Woods? Double quotation marks are not permitted under any circumstance.'

Human Han rolled his eyes in annoyance. 'I educated him on the fact already, but evidently he paid no attention.' I hate getting off on the wrong foot, he thought.

'Well, sorry,' Watto muttered.

'Blindfold them,' the lead Elf said to the rest. 'The Lady shall decide what to do with them.'

Luke found a cloth bound around his eyes. He almost panicked, but was starting to learn self-control (finally).

The path they took was winding and very confusing. Luke didn't even try to remember their movements. It was like trying to remember the erratic flight of a blind barn swallow that has been in a washing machine on spin cycle and is on caffeine. That's the impression Luke got, anyway. Which posed an interesting question: were these people Elves…or caffeinated blind barn swallows? Visually, one couldn't be too sure…but he decided to assume they were Elves for the moment.

After a length of time, they were called to a halt and the blindfolds were swept off.

Chewie suddenly howled in pain and yelled, [WHAT SORT OF IDIOT WOULD TIE MY HEADFUR INTO THE KNOT???!!!??!!?!?!?!?]

One of the Elves cringed and decided not to answer, because even though Chewbacca was very short, he looked formidable enough.

Hobbit Han helped Chewie get his fur out of the tangled blindfold with the help of a discreet pair of Swiss army knife scissors.

'There,' said hobbit Han. 'Now you just have a bad haircut. Again.'

Chewie glared at him, remembering the embarrassing visit to the stylist's in grade 2.

Then, as everyone randomly remembered something, they all gasped.

'OH NOOOOOOOO!!!!' cried human Han. 'WE'RE DOING THIS IN THE WRONG ORDER!!!!!!' He threw himself to the ground in despair.

Obi-Wan tried to calm him down. 'Sit up and drink this.'

Han obeyed and gulped down a new drink that was calming, called iced tea. 'We were supposed to go into Moria first.'

Obi-Wan looked sort of sheepish. 'Yeah…I know.'

Everyone looked at him suspiciously.

The wizard shrugged. 'Well…I had a word with the Narrator, and she agreed to let me live a little longer and go through Lothlórien.'

They looked astonished.

'How could you mess up the story?' Luke shouted at me.

Well, sorry. I try to be nice and everyone wants the poor wizard to die. I suppose I could just kill him now, if you want, and save you guys the trouble of going through the mines and Khazad-dûm.

Obi-Wan blinked. 'What? I'd get killed, just like that? You are a bleeding ungrateful Narrator, you know that? I give you all my Frequent Flyer miles, and what do I get?'

Hey, buddy, I'd watch it if I were you. You're about half a dimension closer to doom. And, didn't they teach you in wizard school never to strike a deal with Narrators? We're typically quite unstable, and generally listen to the unanimous hearings of our characters.

'Pleasepleasepleaseplease keep me alive!!! Just a little while more, until I have to go?'

Welllll……OK. You'd better thank Varda that you're one of my favorite characters.

'I still think we should kill him now and save the trouble of going through Moria,' grumbled Isolder.

Shut up, Isolder. My decisions as Narrator are absolute.

'But I thought you said you were unstable.'

Yup, and what I just said proves it.

'Huh?'

Oh, never mind. Elves these days, I gotta tell you.

'So what now?' complained Luke, impatient to get going.

'So now the Misty Mountains are beyond these woods,' Obi-Wan put in.

Isolder's eyes widened. 'Did you clear that with the Lady? You're supposed to clear any topography changes with her, you know.

'Yes, I know, and I did.'

The lead Elf whose name the Narrator cannot remember at the moment (maybe Haldir, maybe not) gestured at a very large tree. 'Up the stairs and to the right, taking into account that there is no other way,' he directed.

Most of the company suddenly started feeling rather nervous (Obi-Wan didn't because he was a wizard and stuff). Some of them had heard stuff about the Lady of the Woods…and not all of it was flowers and pink bunnies.

Since Obi-Wan wasn't really supposed to be there (but since we all love him he gets to stay for a little while longer), he tailed along at the back of the group.

They reached the top…and gazed in awe.

Coming slowly towards them was a beautiful Elf.

'Natalie Portman!!!' they gasped.

She looked mildly annoyed. 'Padmé.'

'Sorry,' they murmured, except for Anakin, who kept staring.

She shot him a glare and he blushed furiously. (Well, could it really get more obvious?)

'Hey,' complained the Elf-lord, 'you haven't mentioned me yet.'

Oh. Sorry. At Lady Padmé's side was Lord Qui-Gon.

Obi-Wan was shocked. 'Master?!?!?!?!?"

Qui-Gon was shocked. 'My young apprentice?!?!?!?!?!?'

'What's going on?' demanded Padmé.

'Er…just a little reunion, sweetheart,' said Qui-Gon.

Anakin turned even redder, and this time he wasn't blushing. 'WHAAAATT?? HOW DARE YOU, YOU OLD—'

'COOL IT!' barked Obi-Wan. 'You're too late, Anakin. She's a grandmother already.'

Anakin's jaw dropped. 'But…but…'

Human Han decided to shove him off the edge. Luckily for Anakin, there was a conveniently placed rosebush to break his fall.

*THUMP* *CRUNCH*

'OOOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWW!!!! YOWCH!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, HAN!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOW!!!!!'

Everyone applauded, being grateful.

'Well done,' said Padmé in a nicer tone of voice. 'For that, you can fall in love with my granddaughter.'

Han grinned, then remembered something. 'Uh…I already have, m'Lady.'

'Oh.' Padmé thought for a minute. 'Well, then, with her father's approval, you can marry her.'

Han grinned, then remembered something else. As if Lando would let him marry her. Oh, well. He could always try, right?

Then Lady Padmé decided to get on with the part where she talks to people in their heads. After that was done, they all went to bed, except for Obi-Wan, who was having a nice little chat with his old Master about various stuff, and catching up on things.

'You've grown,' Qui-Gon said appreciatively. 'A beard, I mean.'

Obi-Wan made a face. 'I don't really like it. It itches sometimes.'

'Oh, don't worry, Obi-Wan, you'll get used to that.'

And so their conversation went, until Obi-Wan commented on Darth Vader's new inclination to being evil.

'Always knew that boy was up to no good,' remarked Qui-Gon, and then the sun rose and they realized they had missed almost any chance of sleep.

'Crap,' said Obi-Wan, and flung himself on the ground. He was in REM sleep in no time.

'Wish I could learn that one,' Qui-Gon yawned wistfully, and went to see what was for breakfast.

~~~

Soon after breakfast the group was ready to go. The Elves gave them provisions, cool capes with leaf broaches, and boats, while Lord Qui-Gon lay snoring on the ground.

'Wait a minute,' interjected human Han, carefully stepping over Lord Qui-Gon. 'We can't go through the Misty Mountains in boats.'

'Now we can,' said Obi-Wan. 'I had another talk with the Narrator, and we can go through the mountains and Moria on the river, provided I die a dramatic death somewhere around Khazad-dûm.'

'Sweet,' cried Han, not seeming to care about the part where Obi-Wan dies. 'This'll be a heck of a lot easier, just floating through!'

'Actually, we'll be rowing upstream,' said Obi-Wan.

'WHAT??!!??'

'Just kidding,' said the wizard, grinning. 'Oh, you should have seen the look on your face just now!!!'

Han stormed off into some bushes to sulk.

Wedge heaved a pack of lembas into one of the cockleshell boats. It sank.

'Oh, crap,' he said, looking down at the bubbles rising from the water, and then shouted, 'OH, CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' as the lembas expanded and a huge doughy mound rose out of the water.

Hobbit Han smacked his forehead in disbelief.

Lady Padmé sighed and uttered some strange-sounding words.

The soggy island disappeared. Wedge looked like he wanted to, as well.

'So,' said Watto, marveling on the sudden expansion, 'that's how one can feed a grown man for…however long they said.'

'Excellent observation, Watto,' muttered human Han, still in a crappy mood.

'Well, sorry, your Highness.'

'You'd better be, you shrunken hovering elephant.'

'Ohhhh, you take that back!'

'Will not!'

'Will so!'

'WILL NOT!!'

'WILL SO!!!!!'

'WILL NOT!!!!!!'

'CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' screamed Obi-Wan.

Silence reigned. Even the birds listened to a ticked-off wizard, or they could end up smoldering in their tree, and they knew it…somehow.

Things eventually went back into gear, however, and before long the party was off, going down the river in their little boats, out of Lothlórien.

Luke, Wedge, and human Han went in the first boat. Hobbit Han, Chewie, and Obi-Wan were in the second, Isolder and Watto in the third, and poor Anakin got the last boat all to himself (for obvious reasons).

Chewie started singing in Shyriiwook. [Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…]

"What's he saying, Mr. Luke?" whispered Wedge to Luke.

"…I have no idea."

[…merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.]

"I hope you're not expecting an Oscar, Chewie," commented hobbit Han.

[What? Are you saying my singing is bad?]

"Let's put it this way. Luke and Wedgie don't even know you're singing."

[Oh.] Chewie seemed to ponder this. [Have they never heard me sing before?]

"Well, maybe they have and they just don't know it."

Chewie looked satisfied at this and sat back.

Luke and Wedge were beginning to look extremely confused. Lindo and Chelsegorn suddenly popped up out of the river on an inflatable dinghy and began chanting, "Eloquent, eloooooooquent, 'ello, QUINT!" Obviously, this did not help the situation.

Everyone almost tumbled out of their boats in surprise at their appearance, and almost tumbled out again when the strange pair vanished into thin air.

All four hobbits panicked.

"Another strange appearance!!!" shouted hobbit Han, feeling he had to declare it somehow.

"And disappearance," added Wedge.

"Shut up, Wedgie."

~~~

Meanwhile, in Isengard…

Darth Vader the White (???) was trying to decide on what he should call this new species that he so cleverly excavated. Should they be Storm-hai, or Uruk-troopers? Hmmmmm…

Tough choice.

Thanks loads to my reviewers.

Read Lord of the Clings.

Read The Three Little Pigs in Star Warsese.

I wrote the above two stories, except they're in my other author's account here. Whoopsie doodle. I'll put them under my favorite stories in this account for easier accessibility.