And more!!!!

…[My bonnie lies over the ocean, my bonnie lies over—]

"Shut up!" cried hobbit Han, trying to sleep.

[Well, sorry, Mr. Cranky. I can't help it if I'm the only one in a good mood.]

Hobbit Han glared at him and tried to curl up under his bag of lembas.

Obi-Wan sighed and patiently kept rowing.

A few meters ahead, Luke and Wedge played chess while human Han tried to invent a rowing machine out of some marbles and office stationary.

"GAH!!!" he screamed as three marbles rolled out of the boat into the river. "ALL I WANT IS TO MAKE A FEW STUPID BEARINGS!!!"

Wedge quietly took out his roller blades and, removing the bearings, gave them to Han.

"Thank you."

Wedge nodded and chucked his useless rollerblades into the river.

"Checkmate," Luke crowed.

"Aw, nuts," scowled Wedge, and tossed the whole board, kings and all, into the river.

[Quit that,] Chewie yelled from across the river. [You're destroying the ecosystem!!!]

"BITE ME!!!!" screamed Wedge.

"Not a good thing to say, Wedgie," hobbit Han muttered under his breath.

Chewie dove into the river and swam over to Wedge's boat.

Wedge screamed in panic as Chewie grabbed his arm. "AAAAAHHHHH, NOOOO!!!!! HAIRY PIRAHNAS!!!!!!!!"

Luke sighed and detached Chewie from Wedge's arm before he could bite. Chewie trailed off and paddled back to his own boat.

~~~

After a few days, they noticed they were passing into the Misty Mountains. Obi-Wan began to look sort of depressed, but hid it rather well, except for the odd sniffle.

Isolder looked down into the water, driven by intuition. "Hey, guys, guess what!!!"

"Chicken butt," snarled Watto, and resumed napping.

"Noooo, there's some kinda tentacle down there. It looks funny. Oh, wait…I saw a head!!"

Human Han snapped to attention. "What? Tentacles? Heads? At the bottom of the river?"

"DIANOGA!!!!" screamed Luke in panic. (reference: the thingie that almost ate Luke in the trash compactor)

Everyone started panicking and paddling like there was a dianoga on the riverbed. Well, actually, there was, but that's beside the point.

Massive dripping tentacles rose out of the water, reaching for the little boats, or to be more specific, their occupants.

One grotesque tentacle wrapped around Luke's arm and lifted him out of the boat. Luke yelled and tried kicking it to death, but it didn't really work too well.

Human Han drew his sword Elendil and hacked the appendage off, letting Luke drop back into the boat.

Obi-Wan whacked nearby tentacles with his staff.

Isolder and Watto whacked nearby tentacles with their paddles.

Anakin paddled frantically and outpaced everyone.

The Fellowship passed through a huge cavern entrance, the river leading inside.

The dianoga, maddened at its recent defeat, tore away at the cliffs. A cascade of boulders and loose gravel tumbled down behind the company. They were TRAPPED. (scary music: dun, dun, dunnn…)

"Oh, no," groaned Luke, feeling like he was going to panic.

Human Han cleaned Elendil and put it back into its sheath.

"Well," said Obi-Wan, "that was interesting."

Everyone murmured agreement while he put the funky crystal into the top of his staff, lighting up the cavern.

Then the whole Fellowship gasped in wonder. The river they were boating on inexplicably began to flow up a long set of stairs that lay before them.

Confused, they decided to try it anyway. It worked. They didn't even have to paddle; the current carried them up the stairs and down a long stone hall.

They came to a fork in the river where it parted three ways. Obi-Wan directed them to tie up the boats to the side while he pondered the way.

Luke looked back and saw something. He wasn't sure what it was, but he thought it was a creature of some sort.

He tugged at Obi-Wan's sleeve. "Hey. I saw something following us."

Obi-Wan answered without turning. "Yes, it's the creature Gollum, from whom your uncle took the Ring."

Luke blinked. "Gollum?"

"It's the sound he makes when he coughs or whatever. His real name was Yoda, and he was a creature not unlike you before the Ring took him."

"You mean he used to be whiny?" asked hobbit Han.

"No, Han. He used to be something not unlike a hobbit." Obi-Wan looked like he was losing his long-lasting patience.

Luke frowned. "Well…then he'll want the Ring back, right?"

"Right."

"Oh, good. I can get him to take it to More-Door for me."

"NO, YOU LITTLE IDIOT!!!!"

Luke cringed. "Why not?"

"He will take the Ring for himself, and run far, far away! MIDDLE-EARTH WILL BE DOOMED, AND THE ENTIRE MISSION RENDERED POINTLESS!!!!!" he screeched.

Luke cringed again. "Sorry."

"It's OK." Obi-Wan decided to brush it off, now that Luke knew what a fatal mistake he had almost made. Then he thought of something. "Wait."

"What—"

"Sssshh. I…Ha! I know the way."

"You remembered?"

"No, the air just smells fresher this way."

Obi-Wan instructed everyone to unlatch their boats and come down the left passage. Strangely enough, the river stopped flowing down the other two passages and put all its water into the left passage.

They stared as they passed by.

"Wow. That's weird," said Isolder.

"Shut up and keep the boat steady," snarled Watto.

Luke looked up at human Han, who had his eyes tightly shut. "What're you doing?"

Han refused to open his eyes and grudgingly admitted, "…I'm afraid of the dark."

Luke chortled. "Then why do you have your eyes shut? It's a heck of a lot darker that way. Besides, there's Obi-Wan's lightbulb on his staff."

"It's not a lightbulb," shouted Obi-Wan from his boat. "It's a crystal…or something."

Han slowly opened his eyes. "Oh. It's not that bad."

Wedge grinned impudently. "Just you wait till you have to walk down the Paths of the Dead."

Han's eyes widened and he started sucking his thumb, issuing quiet whimpers.

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Idiot hobbit. Now look what you did."

Wedge shrugged. "I thought he'd read the books already."

Anakin still cringed in the last boat. He was wondering why the heck did they have to go through Moria, especially when he was all by himself. You see, he was the sort that had to be with someone most of the time, especially when going through dark and mysterious caverns with a river flowing inexplicably.

Human Han started biting his fingernails.

"Oh, stop that, you big baby," shouted Obi-Wan. "Do I have to come over there and stick on cherry tomatoes?"

Han made a face and stopped biting. "Yechhhhh."

Wedge looked astonished. "How can anyone not like cherry tomatoes?"

Over in the other boat, Chewie shrugged. He liked cherry tomatoes.

"Whoa!!!!" Isolder shouted frantically.

Everyone looked at him strangely.

"What is it?" asked hobbit Han.

Isolder blinked, somewhat bewildered. "I thought we went over a waterfall."

Obi-Wan chuckled. "Elves and their long-sight. The waterfall isn't for another four meters, Isolder."

They all looked forward apprehensively as what Obi-Wan just said sank in.

"YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…"

SPLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luke finally became aware of a vague blur of light. "Whhaaa?" he groaned. "Where 'm I? Wha' time izzit?"

He heard a sound much like the riffling of the pages of a daily planner. "Hmm, let's see. Ah. It's the twenty-first of October, ten o-clock in the morning, if you want to know."

Luke woke right away. "Obi-Wan!!"

The wizard sat beside him, soaking wet. "Hmmm. Thought we were in Rivendell again, didn't you?"

Luke realized they were in Moria. "Aw, crap. And you're still not the Tooth Fairy."

"And it's not really the twenty-first of October, nor is it ten in the morning. Actually, I have no idea what time it is, because my watch shorted out."

Luke tried to get some water out of his ear. "But I thought we weren't supposed to have digital watches in Lord of the Rings. Or even plain watches."

Obi-Wan shrugged and tossed his useless watch into the water. "Well, now I don't have a watch, so I hope you're satisfied. Oh, and nor do we have boats anymore."

"Whaaaat? Why not?"

"The waterfall took care of that. Either they're smashed into little tiny bits at the bottom, like I wish Anakin had been, or they're swept away, like Anakin was."

"Anakin was swept away?" interrupted human Han. "When?"

"WILL YOU QUIT ASKING USELESS QUESTIONS???!!!?? WHEN WE WENT OVER THE WATERFALL, OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"No thanks to you," yelled a somewhat distant voice.

"Anakin?" shouted Han, trying to peer into the dark. "Where are you?"

Anakin came paddling up the river in an inflatable dinghy. "Look what I found!!"

He beached it on the rock ledge they were sitting on, and Obi-Wan closely inspected it.

"Not bad," he said, "but it's only a six-seater. Who is absolutely useless to the mission?"

Everyone looked at each other.

Obi-Wan chuckled. "I was just kidding. We'll work it out, somehow."

Wedge looked at him apprehensively. "You're not going to turn anyone into a politician, are you?"

"No, because the average politician is a weighty middle-aged man. I'm going to have to turn human Han and Anakin into hobbits, that's all."

Both Hans blanched. "But…you can't do that!!!" wailed one.

"We'll be indistinguishable!!!" cried the other.

Obi-Wan shrugged. "Well, look at it this way. Hobbit Han might just benefit from this. When the time comes for me to turn one back to a human, we all might just not know which one was a human in the first place. Then hobbit Han would have a 50% chance, statistically, of getting taller."

Hobbit Han considered this. "Well, that would be nice, but I'd feel pretty weird when I went back to the Shire."

Human Han nodded vigorously. "And we couldn't very well trade places. No offence, but he's no king."

Hobbit Han shrugged. "None taken."

"And," human Han continued, "I don't really want to be a hobbit when I marry Leia. It'd be rather embarrassing for me to all of a sudden be a head shorter than her, instead of a head taller."

Obi-Wan looked exasperated. "Well, then, what do you want me to turn you into? A squirrel?"

The Hans exchanged looks. Human Han thought about this. "Well…I suppose it wouldn't be too bad."

"Very well then." Obi-Wan considered for a moment. "What rhymes with squirrel?"

"Hurl," said Watto.

"Pearl," said hobbit Han.

"Curl," said Isolder.

"KIBBLES!!!!" said Wedge, filling in for Taffy. If you don't know who Taffy is, read Lord of the Clings: the Tale of the Queen of Saran Wrap, also by me. READ IT NOW!!!! If you don't, you will most likely be horribly confused later on in this spoof.

Obi-Wan kicked Wedge. "All right…let's see…ah. Kibbles Make Me Hurl, You Can't Curl a Pearl, Turn this Human Into a Squirrel."

*poof*

Han the Squirrel looked up from his new position. "Wow. This feels weird."

Anakin started laughing.

"Quick," Obi-Wan whispered to the others. "What rhymes with sloth?"

Grinning, they whispered, "Cloth."

"Moth."

"Hoth."

"KIBBLES!!!!" yelled Wedge.

"Huh?" said Anakin, not knowing what was going on.

Obi-Wan hurriedly kicked Wedge and tried to think of a rhyme before Anakin figured out what was going on. "Uh…um…Kibbles in Cloth, A Frozen Moth on Hoth, Turn this Human Into a Sloth!!"

*poof*

"What?!!" cried Anakin, who was now a sloth.

Everyone fell over laughing while he tried to make his way to Obi-Wan. He slowly reached out for the wizard's staff.

Obi-Wan snatched it away. "No more mischief for you, buddy," he remarked. "Maybe I should just leave you like this."

"Nooo, please!!!" cried Anakin. "Turn me back, please!!!"

"As soon as we get out of Moria."

"But…" he sputtered, "but you'll be dead by then!! I'll be a sloth forever!!!"

Obi-Wan grinned malevolently. "Hmmm. Oh, well, too bad then."

"NONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! TURN ME BACK!!!!!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAASSEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"

"Later," promised Obi-Wan.

Anakin went off to sulk in a corner.

Meanwhile, Han was trying out his new squirrelly acrobatic skills. "Wheeeee!!!! Wahooooooooooo!!!!! Oh, lookit this!!"

"Show-off," grumbled Anakin.

"Aw, you're just jealous because you can't do a back flip…like this!! And this!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

"SHUT UP!!!" Anakin barked.

Han the Squirrel rolled to a stop and sighed. "I suddenly have this really big craving for acorns. Weird."

Obi-Wan looked at a random pile of kibble that was sitting nearby. He waved his staff around a bit, and the kibbles turned into acorns.

"Yummy!!" Han scurried over and began eating.

Obi-Wan then went over to another random pile of kibbles and turned them into leaves.

Anakin crawled over and set a sloth record for fastest eating.

"OK," Obi-Wan said. "Enough goofing around. We have to get going."

Hobbit Han let Han the Squirrel climb up his arm.

Isolder steadied the inflatable raft. "Hey, guys, look. It comes with a parachute."

"Why the heck?" wondered Wedge.

Anakin slothed over and fell into the boat. Isolder almost sat on him.

"Hey, watch it, blondie!"

"Shut up or you'll be swimming to More-Door!"

"QUIT IT!!!" yelled Obi-Wan. "Just get in the stupid raft already."

They piled in…and proved a little too heavy.

"OK, then," Obi-Wan said, "come here, Isolder."

The Elf hesitated. "Can I be the small animal of my choice?"

"All right, just hurry up."

Isolder thought. "How 'bout an elephant?"

"Sure, if you want to swim."

"Oh. Uhhh…then I'll be a rooster."

Everyone snickered nastily.

"Fine! I'll be a towel."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Isoldeeeerrrrrr…"

"A turkey?"

"No!!

"A…um…a…a parrot."

"Right. What rhymes with parrot?"

"Carrot."

"Merit."

"Ferret."

"WAIIIIIIT!!!!" Isolder shouted. "I WANNA BE A FERRET!!"

"FINE," barked Obi-Wan. "KIBBLES AND A CARROT, PARROTS WITH MERIT, TURN THIS ELF PRINCE INTO A FERRET!!!!"

*poof*

Isolder blinked. Being a ferret felt much different. "Hey, this is weird."

Han threw an acorn at him. "Duh."

Anakin pouted. "Why couldn't I be the small animal of my choice?"

"Because you'd likely want to be something like a fire ant," Obi-Wan answered, "and I do not tolerate stinging insects. Right, everyone, get into the raft."

They piled in quietly. The raft was obviously too full for Watto, the last one to board.

Obi-Wan gave him a wicked grin. "Choose quick, or I'll turn you into a two-quart mason jar."

Watto thought hurriedly. "Um…I'll be a womp rat."

"Too big."

"A mynock?"

"Too disgusting. Hurry up."

"A—"

*poof*

Watto the two-quart mason jar sat forlornly on the rock ledge next to the boat. Obi-Wan picked him up and put him in. "Next stop, Khazad-dûm."

Han the Squirrel started filling Watto up with acorns.

"Wheeeeee!!" shouted Isolder the ferret.

Everyone took out their oars and started thwacking each other, because that's what they thought oars were for.

"STOPPIT!!!!!!!" screamed Obi-Wan. "WE CAN'T VERY WELL PADDLE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF MORIA IF WE'RE ALL DEAD!!!"

"But you're gonna be dead anyway," said Luke.

"I NEED SOMEONE TO CARRY ON FOR ME!!!!!"

"I will," volunteered Han the Squirrel. "I'm gonna be a king soon. Good practice."

"You're a stupid squirrel," snickered Anakin. "You can't rule a kingdom."

"At least I'm not a sloth," Han commented, still in a good mood despite all the oar-inflicted bruises. "I mean, have you ever seen a king who looked like a sloth? The concept is absolutely ridiculous."

Anakin glared maliciously at him. "At least sloths have bigger brains than squirrels."

"Maybe, but your processing speed is so slow and sloth-like, I naturally have the advantage."

Isolder grinned at them. "Then how about me?"

They considered this.

"Well," said Han the Squirrel, "your natural field of stupidity would prevent anything productive from happening, even in another body."

"It's the way the world works," added Anakin.

Isolder pouted.

Obi-Wan sat at the back of the raft, as steersman. The four hobbits took on the job of paddling, since Han the Squirrel's arms were too short, Anakin's arms too slow, Isolder too stupid, and Watto…well, duh. Two-quart mason jars can't row boats any more than oranges can grow hair.

Hmm. Interesting mental picture.

Luke peered ahead and saw the passage would soon widen. "Hey, guys, look. It's a big cavern of some sort. With lots and lots of pillars."

The enormous hall's floor was covered with three meters of water. Pretty-looking pillars rose up to the far-away ceiling. The whole place gave off a rather mysterious impression.

"Ooh," said hobbit Han, who watched too much TV. "Mysterious Mysteries would like this." He took out his Camcorder and began recording.

Obi-Wan snatched it away and tossed it into the water. "No out-of-place objects, Han. You know that."

Han felt like crying over his beautiful Camcorder, but suppressed it and kept rowing, for fear that Obi-Wan might turn him into a…(shudder)…politician.

Despite his being a ferret, and despite him being stupid, Isolder still had his Elf long-sight. He pointed up at the ceiling. "There's something crawling up there."

Everyone looked as hundreds of Orcs came swarming down the pillars. Once the Orcs reached the water, they blew up their respective inflatable rafts and set sail towards the Fellowship.

Obi-Wan looked about desperately. Luke looked at the Ring.

The Orcs were almost there when everything went silent. The Orcs all looked back apprehensively.

A wall of glowing red slowly moved towards them.

"Oh, look," said Random Orc #152763, "It's the Balrog."

They sat for a moment, contemplating the meaning of life. Then everyone panicked.

"Run away," shouted one Orc, and all the others complied, dragging their inflatable rafts up the pillars.

Obi-Wan stared at the glowing red wall that was closing in. "Stupid ancient evils. Always ruining it for me." He turned back to the others. "ROW!!!"

They rowed as they had never rowed before. They went so fast, the g-forces plastered poor Watto the mason jar to the back of the boat.

"Wheeeee!!!" shouted Han the Squirrel, clinging to the bow of the raft.

Hobbit Han and Chewie looked back fearfully and saw that the glowy red wall was still catching up. "It's still catching up!!"

Obi-Wan thought furiously. "What rhymes with motor?"

"Floater."

"Notre."

"Promoter."

"KIBBLES!!!" barked Taffy, appearing out of nowhere, and vanishing just as quickly…but not before Obi-Wan could kick him.

"Right…The Kibbles Promoter, a Floater of Notre, Appear In My Hands a Fast Boating Motor!!"

*poof*

Obi-Wan quickly attached the motor to the back of the raft and revved it up.

They sped off through the pillars. Obi-Wan grabbed one of the hobbits' paddles to steer with.

The glowy wall somehow saw this, got mad, and sped up.

The raft shot through the door at the end of the huge cavern.

"YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they all screamed as the raft hurtled down the river that even more inexplicably followed the staircase and did not spill off over the sides. It took the turns and shot over a missing piece of the staircase, much to everyone's horror. Finally the raft slowed a little and they all agreed that was the freakiest ride they had ever been on.

Miscellaneous Orcs started to shoot at them. Isolder the Ferret took out his little ferrety bow and miraculously shot all the Orcs down with arrows only three inches long.

They approached the bridge over Khazad-dûm. The river kept on its course, flowing several feet deep over the bridge, still not spilling over, even though there were no wall thingies to keep it in.

The big red glowy wall stopped and transformed into a big roaring fire-demon-thingie (heck, how am I supposed to know what it looks like? Besides the fact that I saw the movie).

"Go across the bridge!" shouted Obi-Wan over the big noise. "I'll hold it back!!"

They all nodded sadly. Obi-Wan was the best company they'd had on this trip. They all thought everyone else was stupid (except for the hobbits, who always stuck together).

Obi-Wan, waist-deep in water, raised his staff. "GO AWAY!!!!"

The Balrog simply roared at him, and spouted some fire.

Obi-Wan splashed it with water. "I SAID, GO AWAY!!!!!!!"

The Balrog roared in malice at having been splashed, and spat lots more flames at the wet wizard, who promptly raised his staff even higher and made it all glowy. "STUPID ANCIENT EVIL!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!"

The Balrog paused, noting the unusual sight of a wizard this mad.

Obi-Wan threw a pebble at it.

The demon howled, holding its eyehole, and accidentally tripped, falling off the bridge into the abyss.

Obi-Wan hesitated. He hadn't expected it to be so easy.

A little crayfish at the bottom of the river pinched his toe.

"OWOWOWOWWWW!!!! DEMON CRAYFISH!!!!!!!" Obi-Wan drew his foot up out of the water, lost his balance, and tumbled into the abyss.

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Luke.

"WAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!" yelled Anakin in panic. "I WANNA BE A MAN AGAIN!!!!"

But it was too late. Obi-Wan was gone.

~~~

This is the part where the reader sobs uncontrollably.

Oh, come on. You're not that callous, are you?

Oh, well. Moving on, then.

The hobbits made camp that night at the bottom of the mountain, on the side of the river.

Luke fell into a fitful sleep.

Luke.

"Huh?" he said groggily.

Luke.

"Hi," he said uncertainly. "Who's talking in my head?"

Luke, it's me.

"Obi-Wan?"

Yes, Luke.

"You don't have to say my name every time."

Fine. I guess I'll just leave, then.

"No, wait!! Stay!! I wanna talk to you!!!"

Okay, okay. What did you want to talk about?

"How are you talking to me? Why did you fall? Are you going to turn half of the Fellowship back to their original species? Is—"

Whoa, whoa!!! One question at a time!!! Just because I'm dead…sheesh. Okay. First, I'm a dead wizard. We can do stuff even when we're dead, because that's how it works. Also, I do this to you in Star Wars. Secondly, I fell because I got distracted by a stupid demon crayfish…man, that was really embarrassing. Thirdly, I'll see about turning the rest back. I have to leave now, Luke; it's my turn to make supper…

"Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan!!!!"

Luke grimaced. This sucked.

~~~

"Ohhhh, she'll be comin' round the mountain, she'll be comin' round the—"

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone yelled.

"Sheesh," Han the Squirrel sulkily replied. "I thought I had a good enough voice. Better than yours, anyway," he added, turning to Chewie.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

The forest by the side of the river was growing thicker by the minute. So thick, in fact, that some trees had to grow on top of each other, which looked really odd…

Anyway, Han the Squirrel soon figured out that they were nearing the place with the big statues and the waterfall…and the places on top of hills where there are thingies that are called stuff like Amon Hen. The Narrator thinks she remembers that as the place where people sit in the tower and they can hear or see better or something…

OK. They floated into the bay thingie, which entrance was marked by huge statues of ancient…um…squirrels? Hey, guys, this isn't in the script.

"So what?" said Han the Squirrel, proud of his ancestry. "I'm supposed to be a king, remember?"

Uh…yeah. Right. So it was marked by huge squirrel statues. Which I will change as soon as Han is turned back into a human.

"Goodness knows when that'll be," he remarked cheerfully.

The company looked up in awed panic at the gigantic stone squirrels, which faced back the way they came. The Squirrel Kings gazed out in the same direction, their huge stone paws extended.

"Oooooooo," said Han the Squirrel in awed panic, however that works.

"Just a couple of dumb statues," muttered Anakin, who received a rather unsubstantial slap from Han the Squirrel, because, of course, squirrels can't slap hard enough for sloths to really notice. So Han solved this problem by getting Chewbacca to bite Anakin.

"OOOOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!#$&* *#^&*#%%&*@*#^@&%$^#*!!!!!!!!!!" Anakin's blue streak, of course, only earned him a whack in the head from, again, Chewbacca. This promptly rendered him unconscious.

Everyone cheered except for Anakin, who was unconscious, and Watto, who was still a two-quart mason jar and thus somewhat unable to utter a sound.

After a little while more of paddling and trying to figure out how to use the boating motor, they beached and wearily got up.

"Oh," groaned Wedge. "I'm sooo sore."

Hobbit Han snickered and said, "Schlemmsach," which means, literally, "whiny bag" in Low German. Of course, only he, I, and you the Reader, would know this. Everyone else stared at him in confusion, not including Anakin and Watto for reasons stated three paragraphs ago.

After dragging Anakin and Watto onto the beach, the company rested for a while, swapping jokes about lawyers and parrots.

They jumped up, however, when they were startled by a strange low thrum coming closer from over the forest somewhere.

"Sounds like the world's largest hummingbird," said Luke, half believing himself.

Everyone else (who could) gave him a good slap, and kept listening.

The thrumming grew louder and louder. The trees started to sway in a wind that hadn't been there a few minutes ago. Then, the noise disappeared over the hilltops and they were left alone in stillness.

"Odd," remarked hobbit Han, voicing everyone's thoughts, except for Anakin's and…oh, you get the picture.

They sat back down on the beach. Chewie was about to tell this great joke about a policeman and witnesses that no one would have understood anyway, when a bright white light appeared from in the forest.

They shielded their eyes, trying to catch a glimpse of the idiot who was flashing his halogen light around, when they decided that probably wasn't it, and panicked.

"Hey, guys," rang out a familiar voice from somewhere inside the light.

"Obi-Wan?" Luke shouted. "What's going on? Where's that light coming from?"

"Oh…right. Sorry." They heard a loud click, not unlike a lamp switch. The light faded and in its place stood Obi-Wan the White.

The company blinked rapidly, struggling to piece together what had just happened.

Luke decided to voice his thoughts, much to the relief of everyone else, who didn't really want to. "Obi-Wan? But…you're dead…You're wearing white? Since when?…What was that noise? How did you make that light? Wha—"

"Luke," the wizard interrupted, "shut up."

"OK."

"First: yes, I'm dead. Well, I was…and kind of still am…but…uh…whatever. Secondly: As a rule, people…uh…let me rephrase that. Good people, as a rule, wear white when they're dead. At least that's what I've been led to believe. However, I did see a dead wizard that was wearing orange…ah, well. Enough about that. Thirdly: the noise was my helicopter. I didn't feel like walking. The Lands of the Dead Wizards are really far away. And for your fourth question: …well, I really don't know. But I can turn it on and off." He turned and showed them the little switch implanted in the side of his neck.

"Ooooo," they said.

Obi-Wan!

"Yes?"

You're not supposed to come back so early!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU????!!!???

"Uh…I, uh…" He tried to hide under a rock.

Obi-Wan, that's not going to work. The rock is the size of your thumbnail.

"Well, it worked with my last Narrator."

Lucas is busy enough to overlook things now and then. You know that.

"And you aren't?"

The reason I'm writing this at all is because I have way too much spare time.

"Oh."

So, explain to me why you came back so early.

"Uh…There are a few people here who need to be turned back to their normal selves, in case you hadn't noticed, and…well, I missed my old job."

So you think you can get away with this, especially after messing up the topography of two major areas of Middle-earth, and hanging around with the Fellowship too long. Get out from under that rock.

"Aw, darn. I…I, well…that is to say…uh…" Obi-Wan fidgeted.

"We miss him," blurted Luke.

"Yeah, we do," added Wedge.

Han the Squirrel regarded himself in a pocket mirror he had somehow come up with. "Well…I do like myself better as a human."

"Uhhhhnnn…me…too…" mumbled Anakin, just waking up.

*sigh* Ohhhhkay, then. Obi-Wan, you can stay.

"Yesssss!!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED WHEN THE NARRATOR COMES UP WITH MORE IDEAS AND HAS ENOUGH SPARE TIME TO TYPE THEM IN…