Yay!!!!! A grand total of four people that bother to review this crappy fic!!!!!
I feel so special!!!!!
Okay, I'm done wallowing in self-pity and humble awe.
Now read this glorious masterpiece that I have so deigned to post upon this deserving site!!!!
A note to statisticians: My above comments balance themselves out, right? That means I'm a completely normal and healthy person.
…YEAH, RIGHT!!!!!! LOL!!!!!
Now for some shout-outs!!!!
Elf: Too much like the last? Are you sure? Hmmm…I'll work against that, I promise, but I've already got the next few chapters written out, so…we'll see what happens. Oh, btw, what's up? (knowing giggle)
Galadriel-in-disguise: That's right; he's back so soon because I got bored, as I inevitably will. It happens quite frequently. And as to Isolder…well, he won't remain a sloth forever, but I think I'll pull a few strings just for you somewhere in the next few chappies…mwahahahaaa!!!! But he'll get turned into something else yet in this chapter.
Anyway, this is obviously the longest Author's Notes that I've bothered to put up so far, but I feel the need to put a word of warning right here: WARNING! IF YOU, THE READER, HAVE NOT AS OF YET READ MY SPOOF WHICH IS STUPIDLY TITLED "LORD OF THE CLINGS", DO SO NOW OR SUFFER HORRIBLE HORRIBLE CONFUSION IN THIS NEXT CHAPTER BY THE MULTIPLE APPEARANCES OF—
Ahem. Sorry, had to cut myself off or I'd provide you with a spoiler. But chances are, if you've already read LotC, that you know what I'm talking about…
Mwahahahaaa.
So here's a longer posting to compensate for my incessant rambling.
***
Lalalalalaaaaa…okay, we're baaaaack!!!!!
Well, as things go, Isolder ferreted around in their raft, as ferrets will, and found an inflatable tent that went with it.
"Good," said hobbit Han, snatching it up. "I wonder how many it holds?"
They all looked at Obi-Wan.
The wizard sighed. "Why can't you lazy bums blow it up yourselves?"
They kept staring at him.
"Fine. What rhymes with pump?"
"Hump."
"Lump."
"Uh…mump?"
"Kibbles!!!" shouted Wedge, who received an even nastier kick from Obi-Wan.
"Okay…um…Kibbles and Camel Hump, A Case of Lumpy Mumps, Appear Before Us an Industrial Air Pump!"
*kavamm*
A huge air pump suddenly appeared on the ground. Chewie put the opening of the tent to the end of the little air tube, and Obi-Wan turned it on.
The tent began expanding ridiculously in less than five seconds.
"Turn it off! Turn it off!!!" yelled hobbit Han frantically (reference: beginning of ESB), fighting his way past the overgrown tent to the off switch.
Luke and Wedge's eyes widened.
BOOM!!!!!!!!!! (A/N: Just pretend the "boom" was about 10 sizes larger, okay? And a lot louder. MWAHAHAHA!!!!)
***
Many hours and duct tape rolls later…
Chewie finished blowing the tent up manually. They had destroyed the air pump with the force of the explosion, and poor Luke was still recovering, sitting dazedly by a tree, his ears ringing.
Obi-Wan wrapped the last of the duct tape around a fracture in his staff. "Right. Does it come with built-in beds?"
Chewie looked inside. "Hrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnn."
"Good." Obi-Wan made his way into the tent and collapsed.
Anakin, who had already started to recover from a mild concussion, had no doubt been…surprised…by the violent explosion of the tent, and was rolling around moaning things about Italian salad bars. This, in turn, made the hobbits very hungry, and they began looking around for edible shrubbery.
Except for poor hobbit Han, who had been right next to the tent when it blew. They had had to drag him out of the water. He was also rolling around and moaning, except he was moaning about obscure European cartoon characters, for a reason the Narrator can't really figure out.
Suddenly, Wedge heard a muted *kavamm* noise, and saw the water was beginning to blossom orange close to the shore.
Luke saw a cloud of purple poof up in a tree.
Chewie noticed blue smoke rising from one of the bushes.
Chelsegorn hacked her way out of the bush, Lindo fell out of the tree with a "Wheeeeeeee!!!!" *thump*, and Jandalf dragged herself out of the water, her orange robes streaming orange dye all over the shore, yet somehow remaining just as orange as before.
"Great," she muttered. "Just great. Why do I ALWAYS KAVAMM MYSELF INTO THE WORST SPOT????!!!!????"
"It's not that bad," came the muffled voice of Lindo, her head stuck in an unusually large gopher hole.
Chelsegorn pulled at her ankles until Lindo popped out, a large angry gopher clinging to her hair.
Jandalf swung at the gopher with her orange staff.
*smack*
The gopher fell onto the ground, dead.
Lindo produced a cooking pot.
Chelsegorn made a fire.
Luke, Wedge, Chewie, and Isolder stared with their mouths hanging open.
"Minions of Xendor. What rhymes with dry?" Jandalf muttered, beginning to shiver.
Obi-Wan came out of the tent. "That's my line! I do all the rhyming around here!"
Jandalf stared daggers at him. "No, I invented it, you imposter!!"
"Imposter!?!?! No one who's dead can come back except if they're a real wizard!!"
"So? I've been dead much longer than you have. And I'm still taller than you," Jandalf smirked.
Obi-Wan grimaced.
[Great,] Chewie remarked. [Two wizards, together in the same group. I can tell we're going to get along just fine.]
Jandalf and Obi-Wan glared at him and said simultaneously, "Who asked you, furball?" Then the two wizards stared at each other in surprise.
"It's actually not that surprising," remarked Lindo. "You guys were in the same grad class."
"And mortal enemies, at that," added Chelsegorn helpfully.
"Thanks for reminding me," said Obi-Wan ominously.
"No problem," said Chelsegorn, and took out her pennywhistle.
"The Shire! The Shire!" shouted the hobbits hopefully.
She complied with their request. They sat happily listening to their favorite-est song in Middle-earth, while Obi-Wan and Jandalf glared at each other.
Since Isolder and Anakin didn't have anything else to do, Isolder took out his deck of cards and they began a game of poker.
"Hey," said Han the Squirrel, "can we play sabacc?"
Anakin slowly rolled his sloth eyes. "We don't have a deck of card-chips, nor an interference field, nor a randomizer. So how in the galaxy can we play sabacc? Hmm?"
Chelsegorn and Lindo stared at him, without any idea of what he was talking about.
Han the Squirrel began explaining the game of sabacc to them.
"Aaaaaahhh," they said after he was done, now understanding (if you the Reader want to know how sabacc works, ask me. I'll give you a printout or something).
"Of course," grated Obi-Wan, "the last time I played sabacc was on campus."
"If I recall correctly," remarked Jandalf, "I not only won three hand pots, but the sabacc pot as well. Naturally, that was after I bombed you out with the Idiot's array, after everyone else had the smarts to fold."
Now everyone looked confused. The wizards just shrugged and told them to forget about it.
Han the Squirrel thought. "So…is it that game that made you two hate each other?"
The wizards glanced at each other.
Obi-Wan coughed. "Umm…"
"Let's just say it didn't help matters any," put in Jandalf. "Actually, he was the one that taught me how to play sabacc in the first place, so it was indirectly his fault that he lost, for teaching me so well."
He scowled. "All I did was give you a printout."
"It was very detailed."
All right, you guys. That's enough. You have to quit arguing and stuff now, because we have to get on with the story. Which brings an interesting point to mind: WHAT ARE YOU THREE DOING HERE????!!!???
Chelsegorn blinked. "Uhhh…playing my pennywhistle?"
Besides that.
I noticed that Lindo was busy trying to summon up her dog Taffy with Jandalf's staff.
"Hey!" Jandalf grabbed it back. "What do you think you're doing?"
Lindo shrugged and grinned, and pointed to a purple cow with pink polka dots that was standing nearby. "I couldn't get Taffy, but I did get a space cow."
"Ooo." Chelsegorn sneaked up on the space cow and tipped it over. It mooed plaintively, sprawled on the ground.
"Ground beef!" Lindo and Chelsegorn yelled. "Ground beef!!! Heeheeheeheeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
Obi-Wan stared. "Are they all right?" he whispered to Jandalf, momentarily forgetting their animosity in the insanity of the situation.
"Never have been." She inspected her staff and sighed. "Minions of Xendor. Then again, it all depends on your own point of view…"
He glared at her. "Quit it!"
"Quit what?"
"Stealing my phrases. I should put a copyright on my 'point of view' lecture. It's mine!!!!"
"And I recall you using 'minions of Xendor' more than once on campus, if you remember. You owe me for that."
"Oh, really?"
They stared at each other coldly while the Narrator got more and more ticked off at them, because THEY WERE THE ONLY REASON THE STORY WASN'T MOVING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I, being the SUPREME NARRATOR OF THIS STORY, decided to make the Uruk-troopers, the creation of Darth Vader the White, attack.
"What?"
I said I would make the Uruk-troopers attack, Obi-Wan, since my characters were not helping me very much AT ALL.
"Oh, crap."
Arrows flew at them from the underbrush.
Jandalf yelled, "BY ALL XENDOR'S MI—" and was abruptly cut off by a flying lemur that struck her head and rendered her unconscious.
Obi-Wan blinked in surprise, then gasped as he looked up and saw another lemur in a downward trajectory that would soon collide with his own skull.
Thud.
The Uruk-troopers wheeled in another lemur-catapult behind the bushes and began firing off the animals at the hobbits.
"En guarde!!" shouted Han the Squirrel, wielding his sword Elendil, which was a bit…smaller…than usual, and still broken off not far from the hilt.
The Uruk-troopers laughed at this and sent in two to dispatch the puny squirrel.
152763 Uruk-troopers later, they finally got the picture and charged the squirrel Ranger.
Well, not all of them. Anakin was busy looking for Luke, who had suddenly run off as soon as the pennywhistle song had ended, and was thus distracted while hobbit Han and Chewie were captured by a group of Uruk-troopers.
He turned around and saw the hobbits in the Uruk-troopers' vile clutches.
"Dude!" he yelled. "Where do you think you're going with those hobbits? Huh? Huh?"
The Uruk-troopers were a bit thrown off by this, and paused for a moment, then ran off, dispatched by their leader.
Anakin stared up at the hulking Uruk-trooper. "Uh……hi."
The beast snarled at him and raised its sword-thingie.
Anakin, defying his slothyness, dodged quickly and drew his own sword.
***
Luke stumbled through the forest, panting. He had heard the sounds of battle and was a little scared, to say the least, but he decided to go down carefully and take a peek anyway. In a scene not mentioned previously, Owen had given Luke his old sword Sting, which he had gotten from the trolls' plunder a long time ago or something to that effect. Luke promptly drew this sword as he heard someone coming closer.
And stumbling. "Mr. Luke!! Mr. Luke!! Where are you?"
"Wedge?" Luke whispered loudly.
"Mr. Luke?"
"Ssshhhhh. You're going to attract attention."
"Oh. That's bad, right?"
"Right now, yes. I think."
"Oh. OK."
They tiptoed through the forest until they came to the raft that was still beached on the shore.
Luke gazed at it for a moment, then started walking back toward the forest.
Wedge was confused. "Mr. Luke? What are you doing?"
Suddenly Luke turned around, began sprinting madly, and launched himself at the raft, which absorbed his momentum and likewise launched into the water.
After a moment trying to comprehend the relevance of the above paragraph, Wedge blinked as it all sank in and ran towards the water. "Mr. Luke! Mr. Luke!"
Luke took out a paddle and headed away from shore.
Wedge took out his surfboard, cueing a ten-second clip insert of "Surfin' USA" by the Beach Boys. "Duuuuuuuuuude!!!" He ran in and flopped down on the board, and began paddling himself to the raft.
Luke sighed in exasperation and turned to face Wedge. "What?"
"I'm coming with you, Mr. Luke!"
"But Wedge, I wanna take the Ring to More-Door by myself!"
"That's right, Mr. Luke, and I'm coming with you! Together we'll be alone that way…uh…did that sound right?"
They were so confused by this that they decided to just get on with the trip, and crossed the lake together, all by themselves.
Or whatever.
***
Han the Squirrel had slain an entire legion of Uruk-troopers and was looking for more when he saw Anakin lying by a tree, pumped full of arrows, and the head Uruk-trooper doing a dorky victory dance.
Han took out his little Squirrel wineglass and his little Squirrel spoon, and clinked the spoon against the wineglass to get everyone's attention.
The Uruk-trooper turned in surprise as Han put his wineglass and spoon away.
"Ahem. I hereby declare that you, the above mentioned Uruk-thingie, are rather guilty, as it appears, of pumping this the sloth Anakin full of arrows, thereby ungracefully committing a homicidal act, which would appear to be murder."
The Uruk-trooper stood there, confused. "Huh?"
"Okay, Og, I'll spell it out for you. You killed him, you stupid mynock."
The Uruk-trooper now looked angry. "Og not mynock. Og like kill. Og kill Squirrel. Og hungry."
Han paused for a moment, wondering why anyone would want to eat squirrel. Then he realized that, one, his opinion in this matter was a bit biased, and, two, Caveman here looked like he could eat uranium and not get indigestion.
Han stood in his ready stance. Which looked kind of ridiculous: a Squirrel, with a sword the size of a toothpick, standing ready. Hmm.
Obviously, it did not have Han's desired effect on the hulking Uruk-trooper, who bellowed and charged into the nearest tree for some reason the Narrator cannot figure out. By some freakish accident, the tree fell on our friend Og, thus making him go squish.
Han was a little too repulsed to gloat in his victory, and by the time he got over it, he noticed Anakin. Because Han had taken too long in annoying the Uruk-trooper into smashing into the tree, Anakin had died before he could utter his last words.
Han grimaced and thought, Crap, that would suck. Fortunately, this was not a plot line in which the Reader would expect anything cheesy like that to happen, even if it is somewhat touching, because the Narrator doesn't really care. It's too risky to get emotionally involved with your own characters. People would begin to think you were weirder than you already were, which is rather dangerous.
As Han looked at the pathetic sight of a sloth pumped full of arrows, Anakin began to change back into a human, like the kind of thing that happens when someone dies in a fairy tale. As it was, both Han and the Narrator thought this was also rather cheesy, but Han watched in fascination anyway. Soon Anakin was back to his normal human self, except for the fact that he was dead.
Though Anakin had been rather annoying, as Skywalkers are, Han felt somewhat sorry for him. Though it was already page 43 in Microsoft Word, in the 10-sized font Verdana, Anakin hadn't really lived in that much of the story, seeing as Fellowship had only just ended.
Han considered the fact that he needed to somehow drag Anakin back to the shore. This was theoretically impossible, as Han was a Squirrel, and Anakin back to a full-sized human, and rather tall at that.
Han decided to go ask the others about it. Then he received a startling revelation: He now belonged to a company of four, since he had no idea where hobbit Han and Chewbacca were. Probably carried off or something. This new party consisted of a Squirrel, a Ferret, an unconscious dead wizard, and a two-quart mason jar.
Interesting, he thought, and started to cry.
***
Finally, after he had shot down all the Uruk-troopers in his immediate location, Isolder puzzled over his mysterious quiver. It never seemed to run out of arrows. I mean, he wasn't complaining about that or anything, it just seemed a bit…odd. And impossible.
"No! Only in your mind! You must feel—"
Shut up, Yoda.
"Hmmmpphhh."
OK, then. Back to the story.
Isolder looked around and saw Han the Squirrel approaching.
"Any idea where Obi-Wan went?" asked Han.
Isolder shook his head. "But, those two are still here." He pointed to Lindo and Chelsegorn.
The above two mentioned, after finishing laughing about the ground beef, had begun to make sand castles the entire time that everyone else was fighting. Chelsegorn was now putting the finishing touches on the turrets, and Lindo stuck in a Jolly Roger flag on the top of the highest tower.
"Yaaaaayyyyy!!!! It's done!!!!!" they yelled, and trampled it.
"Must be some kind of exotic tradition," muttered Isolder to Han, who promptly slapped him in the face.
"Uuunnnnhhhhh," groaned Jandalf, just waking up from her concussion. "Hold the onions."
"HI JANDALF!!!!" Lindo and Chelsegorn screamed, and ran around in circles.
Around, in fact, what appeared to be a white wizard's staff sticking out of the ground.
And slowly sinking.
Han and Isolder gasped. "OBI-WAN FELL INTO QUICKSAND!!!"
Chelsegorn and Lindo stopped running around the sinking staff, looked at it, and started pulling on it.
"MINE!!"
"NO, IT'S MINE!!!"
"MINE, I TELL YOU!!!!!"
"MINE!!!!!!!!!"
With their combined effort, they gradually (amazingly) pulled up Obi-Wan, staff and all, out of the quicksand. He gasped as soon as his head appeared out of the quagmire.
"Aaahhhhhh…thank you…"
"Nuts," scowled Jandalf, and flung a small rock which hit Obi-Wan in the head. "You guys just had to go and rescue him."
Obi-Wan glared at her. "Did you push me in?"
"No, of course not. It was your own stupid luck. That lemur probably propelled you in. Either that, or you rolled in all by yourself. That would figure."
Lindo and Chelsegorn skipped in circles around Obi-Wan. "We saved him!! We saved him!!"
Han the Squirrel shrugged. "You do owe them, Obi-Wan. Strange as that thought might be."
Obi-Wan groaned, then nodded. "What do you two want?"
"GIVE US CHOCOLATE!!!!!!" yelled Chelsegorn, still skipping. "LOTS AND LOTS!!!!!!"
Lindo stopped skipping and grinned maliciously. "BE OUR SLAVE-WIZARD!!!" she yelled.
Jandalf smirked. "Sounds fair to me."
"Why…what do you have to do with this?" Obi-Wan sputtered.
"Well, I'm the one who brought us three here in the first place, and if they hadn't been here, you would have died. I mean, be realistic. How much can a squirrel and a ferret do in that sort of situation?"
"Roast marshmallows?" suggested Isolder, who received another smack from his Squirrel counterpart.
Han, much to Obi-Wan's dismay, agreed with Jandalf. "She's right. You owe all three of them."
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! CHOCOLATE AND STUFF!!!!!!!" screamed Lindo and Chelsegorn.
Han and Isolder stared at Obi-Wan expectantly.
Obi-Wan ground his teeth together and nodded reluctantly.
"And," added Lindo, "You have to keep up your end of the deal for at least fifteen Microsoft Word pages, in the 10-sized font Verdana."
"It's only fair, you know," put in Chelsegorn, and then she widened her eyes in horror. "Unless of course…you don't honor your word."
Obi-Wan fumed. "No one can say I don't honor my word."
Jandalf smiled brightly. "It's settled then. But before we get on the move, I'd like to take the liberty of turning the Squirrel, Ferret, and Mason jar back into their normal selves."
Han and Isolder beamed. Watto couldn't, really, nor could he hear this…but anyway.
Obi-Wan fumed some more.
Jandalf turned to Chelsegorn, Lindo, Han, and Isolder. "What rhymes with man?"
"Tan."
"Fan."
"Van."
"KIBBLES!!!" shouted Isolder. Lindo kicked him.
"Right…Kibbles By A Fan, A Tan-Colored Van, Turn This Squirrel Back Into A Man."
*kavamm*
"Yay!" shouted Han, now back to his normal human self.
"My turn," volunteered Isolder, since Watto was quite unable to.
"Okay, what rhymes with Elf?"
"Kelf."
"Melf."
"Drelf."
"But those aren't real words!" cried Jandalf.
"We couldn't think of anything else," said Chelsegorn.
"Use 'em anyways," suggested Lindo. "Maybe it'll work."
"And KIBBLES!!" shouted Isolder, getting another kick from Lindo.
"Fine," said Jandalf, "but if Isolder turns into anything else, I'm not to be blamed. Um…this is really weird…OK. Kibbles In Kelf, A Drelf Strangling A Melf, Turn This Ferret Back Into An Elf."
*kavamm*
Isolder turned into a dictionary.
Jandalf groaned. "Talk about cruel irony. Oh, well. Is he a rhyming dictionary?"
Han checked. "Nope. Just a normal one."
"Darn. Okay, then, we have a dictionary until I can get my hands on a rhyming one. While I'm at it…does anyone know of any real words that rhyme with Dwarf?"
"Morph?" suggested Chelsegorn, after some thought.
"Yeah, that's one."
They sat and thought for a while.
"…Barf?"
"NO, Lindo!"
They sat and thought some more.
"Worf?"
"Well…" Jandalf thought. "Under any other circumstances, I'd say no, but right now it'll have to do."
They thought and thought and thought and thought, but just couldn't come up with anything else.
Jandalf sighed. "I never thought it would come to this, but…" She reached into her pocket and drew out a phone booth with a funny little antenna on top.
They gasped. "You stole it from 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure'?"
She shook her head. "They gave it to me for a birthday present. Now, we're going to have to get someone to go back in time and get Watto and Isolder as they used to be, and bring them back here. It's risky, but we'll have to try. Who wants to go?"
Silence.
Lindo and Chelsegorn snuck up behind Obi-Wan and coughed simultaneously.
"Right," said Jandalf, "Thanks for volunteering, Obi-Wan."
"What? But I—"
Chelsegorn and Lindo pushed him into the phone booth. Jandalf dialed the number on the phone, shut the door, and all three waved at him.
*whoosh-kazoo-zap-poof*
***
Obi-Wan hurtled down the weird tube-thingies that took people to places. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. If you don't like that movie, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING READING THIS SPOOF??!!??!!! Ahem. Finally, one of the tube thingies opened up and he sailed down in the phone booth to a very familiar-looking place. It was just after the waterfall in Moria, and he exited the phone booth just in time to hear himself say, "FINE!!!! KIBBLES AND A CARROT, PARROTS WITH MERIT, TURN THIS ELF PRINCE INTO A FERRET!!!!"
*poof*
Isolder blinked. "Hey, this is weird."
Han threw an acorn at him. "Duh."
Anakin pouted. "Why couldn't I be the small animal of my choice?"
"Because you'd likely want to be something like a fire ant," Obi-Wan answered, "and I do not tolerate stinging insects. Right, everyone, get into the raft."
"WAAAIIIIIITTT!!!!!" shouted Obi-Wan, rushing up.
Obi-Wan stared at himself. "What am I doing here? I mean, my other self. What the…I have another self?"
"No, I've just come from the future—"
"I KNEW IT!!!" shouted Isolder, who received a slap from all four hobbits.
The Obi-Wan who had just traveled in time strode up, grabbed Watto's arm, and dragged him into the phone booth.
*whoosh-kazoo-zap-poof*
***
The three waited impatiently, then Chelsegorn spotted the phone booth falling from the sky.
"There he is!!"
*thud*
Obi-Wan and Watto got out dazedly.
"YOU FORGOT TO GET ISOLDER??!!!???!!!!??" yelled Jandalf.
Obi-Wan blinked. "Oh. Yeah. Isolder. Ummmm……"
Okay, guys, look. I don't want to have to type about Obi-Wan going back again and getting Isolder, so I the Narrator shall now make Isolder the Ferret turn back into an Elf-prince, and the mason jar disappear.
*poof*
"Yay!!!" cried Isolder, his former self having returned to him, unfortunately without any extra intelligence. Little did he know, though, that at the request of one of the Narrator's reviewers, he was doomed to return to his ferrety form…but that's a bit later in the spoof. You must keep your attention here and now, where it belongs, young Padawan.
"Now," said Obi-Wan, continuing with the present, "we have to go look for hobbit Han and Chewie. The Uruk-troopers have gotten a fair head start—"
"Wouldn't that technically be an evil head start, noting who you're talking about?" interrupted Jandalf.
Obi-Wan glared at her. "Now that they've gotten a head start, it'll be more difficult for us to track them."
"Well, duh," everyone said in unison, even Isolder.
Obi-Wan sighed, wondering why everyone had turned against him all of a sudden.
Chelsegorn broke out into song. "We're off to see the winders, the wonderful winders of Zo. And so, and so, and so, and so, that's where we go. That's where we're walking in a row…doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doooo…'cuz we're off to see the winders, the wonderful winders of Zo!!!!"
In case you have no idea what that was about, perhaps I will nag Chelsegorn to put up her Wizard of Oz spoof up on Fanfiction. Or if you are one of my local friends, just ask her for her full printed copy. It's pretty long, so you might want to read it with some refreshment, like iced tea.
Lindo muttered darkly and drank some random iced tea that popped out of nowhere.
Jandalf eyed her. "Did you make a copy of my staff, or something?"
"Behold the powers of confusion!" yelled Isolder, and promptly received a smack upside the head from everyone within reach.
"Right," said Obi-Wan. "Now, what's the next leg of the trip?"
"We must save hobbit Han and Chewie from the foul clutches of those most vile Uruk-troopers!" cried Isolder dramatically.
"Riiiiight," said human Han, currently the only Han present. "Hey, I've got a great idea. Why don't we split up. Isolder can go east, Watto south, and I'll head north. We're bound to run into something helpful!"
Obi-Wan grinned nastily. "In your case, Rivendell, right?"
Han glared at him. "I—I never said Rivendell…"
"Ohhh, but that's what you meant."
"Someone's waiting for Hannie-Wannie…" sang Isolder, and received a very substantial smack upside the head from Han.
"I have a better idea," said Obi-Wan. "We'll all go together."
Jandalf grinned wickedly. "Oh, I don't know. What do your masters think?"
Obi-Wan sighed and turned to Lindo and Chelsegorn. "We're all going together. What do you think about that?"
Chelsegorn frowned and went deep into thought, tapping her chin and scuffing a hole into the ground with her foot.
Lindo scratched her head, furrowed her brow, and stared down at the ground, kicking around a small pebble.
Then both their heads popped up at the same time and they said in unison: "Okeedokee!"
***
"Uuhhhn," groaned hobbit Han.
"Hrrrrrrrnn," groaned Chewbacca.
They were slung across the backs of two running Uruk-troopers, and had tangible proof that their captors had never taken baths.
"What is bath?" grunted one of the Uruk-troopers.
Han explained. "It's when you take a big tub of nice warm fresh water, and a bar of soap, and you jump into the water and scrub all the dirt off with the soap."
"What is soap?"
Chewie wrinkled his nose. [Well, that explains a lot.]
"Do you think they'll be following us?" Han quietly asked Chewie.
"Urf."
Han looked down at his leaf brooch. It was a really cool brooch, and he wanted to keep it, but the thought of getting lost and dying wasn't. So he pulled it off with his teeth and spat it out on the ground. Miraculously, none of the Uruk-troopers noticed it.
***
Fortunately for the group, human Han was an exceptional tracker. Unfortunately for the group, Isolder was an exceptional idiot.
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"Do we have any Oreos left?"
"No."
"I want one."
"Shut up."
"Can I drive?"
At this question, Jandalf suddenly stopped walking, causing all the people behind her to crash. "Ooh…what rhymes with 'van?'"
Lindo and Chelsegorn grinned.
"Man."
"Tan."
"Fan."
"Kibbles!" shouted Isolder, who promptly received a kick from Lindo.
"Okay…okay…Kibbles Colored Tan, A Man With A Fan, Send Us A Big Purple Seven-Seater Van."
*kavamm*
A big van appeared before them. A big purple van.
"I WANNA DRIVE!!!" screamed Lindo, who is much worse at driving in spoofs than in real life.
Jandalf swallowed. "Uh, make that orange."
The van turned green. Lindo sulked while Jandalf looked at her staff in confusion, then shrugged.
"All right, everyone. Get in."
The party began to pile into the van.
"Han," called Obi-Wan, "sit in the front. You're the tracker."
Han got into the passenger seat and began pushing buttons on the radio.
Lindo and Chelsegorn sat in the very back and made Obi-Wan kavamm them some chocolate to eat on the way, and giggled together at nothing in particular.
When everyone else had piled into the van, two remaining people stood outside and glared at each other.
"I'm driving," growled Obi-Wan.
"I don't think so," snarled Jandalf, then did the "oh, I'm a cartoonist" thingie that the real-life Chelsegorn and I use on the real-life Lindo, slightly revised. If you wish to do this and never have before, it's very simple. Just pitch your voice slightly higher in a near whining tone (or for guys, use falsetto), and bob yourself up and down slowly while flopping your hands, elbows bent down. For example, if you had a friend (we'll call him Bob) that was really good at, oh, say fixing cars, you would pretend you were Bob, do the above actions, and say, "Ohh, look at mee, I'm a mechanic, ohhh…" The entire purpose is to make fun of someone and annoy them greatly at the same time. Which was what Jandalf was doing at this moment. "Ohh, I'm a pilot, look at meee…"
Obviously Obi-Wan did not share the same sense of humor at the moment. "I get the picture. But I'm still driving."
Jandalf grinned. "I dunno. What do your masters think?"
"MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!" yelled Chelsegorn.
"GET IN THE BACK, WIZARD-SLAVE!!!" screamed Lindo. "WE WANT MORE CHOCOLATE!!!"
"MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!" Chelsegorn added again, very loudly.
Obi-Wan grumbled and went to sit in the back.
"Woohoo!" said Jandalf, and looked at the van's pathetic tires. "Um, guys, what rhymes with 'tires?'"
"Fires!"
"Mires!"
"Buyers!"
"Kibbles!" Isolder got kicked yet again. Heavens knows why an Elf would want kibbles. Then again, with Isolder…
"Um…okay…Kibbles In Fires, Mires Of Buyers, Appear Before Us Some Rugged Off-Road Tires!"
*kavamm*
"Ooh. It's like a monster truck, but a van." Satisfied, Jandalf climbed into the driver's seat and revved the engine.
Han peered into the distance. "Wow. Good view from up here. Umm…left. No, right a little bit. Like, two point five six degrees…that's good. Hey, that's a really nice brooch…Keep going…wait…right a little more…yeah, that's great…LEFT!!! GO LEFT!!!"
Jandalf swerved over. Everyone got crushed against the right side of the vehicle as they narrowly missed a very steep cliff.
She parked, and they gaped at the breathtaking vista.
"NEW ZEALAND!!! WE'RE HOOOOME!!!" screamed Chelsegorn and Lindo.
"No, silly, that's Rohan," commented Han.
"Like you, except with a 'ro?' " asked Isolder, being stupid as usual. He was knocked unconscious, slapped on both sides of his head by Lindo and Chelsegorn.
"Thank you," everyone else said.
"Look," Han pointed down to the hills. A cavalry was riding around pointlessly in circles, trying to occupy themselves, all the while cheering wildly in panic.
"Hold on," yelled Jandalf, and floored the accelerator.
Screaming, some in fear, Lindo, Chelsegorn, and Jandalf in insanity, everyone held on to seats, seatbelts, or anything else remotely stable, as the van flew off the cliff.
It was the longest 2.563001 seconds human Han had ever experienced.
Thud-crash-boom-voip-kazoo-poit. They landed with a very strange reel of sounds that the Narrator spontaneously concocted, thus attracting the attention of the Riders of Rohan.
Han rolled down the window. "Wassup, Riders!"
Dazed, they filed out of the van while the Riders, cheering wildly in panic, surrounded them.
The leader of the Riders, whom the Narrator shall replace with a random obscure Star Wars character, surveyed the odd group in a calm panic. "What business do a human, an Elf, a wizard, a human, a Dwarf, a human, and a wizard have in Rohan?"
"You could make it a lot easier," suggested Jandalf, "and say, 'three humans, an Elf, a Dwarf, and two wizards.' "
Exar Kun glared at her, then sighed. "Sorry. Don't have my grammatical guide with me. Had to leave the bloody book at home. Banished under pain of death, you see. Bloody annoying."
She nodded sympathetically. "Do you want to borrow one of mine?"
"Oh. Do I. That'd be great. Thanks muchly."
"No problem. Consider it a gift."
The Riders cheered wildly in panic. Jandalf gave Kun one of her grammatical guides. She currently had 152763 copies on her at the moment.
"You were banished?" asked Han.
"Quite. King can't tell the difference anymore between friend and fiend. But that's the way the cookie crumbles, I suppose. Ho there," he said, turning back to Jandalf, "you wouldn't happen to be the grammatically correct orange apparition, would you?"
"Actually, yes."
The Riders cheered wildly in panic.
Exar Kun nodded, then indicated Chelsegorn. "And her. She wouldn't happen to be the confused blue Kingly ghost, would she?"
"Mmm-hmm."
The Riders cheered wildly in panic.
Exar Kun nodded, then indicated Lindo. "And her. She wouldn't happen to be the insane purple hobbit specter, would she?"
"Yup. Looks like someone's read Lord of the Clings."
All the Riders raised their hands, and cheered wildly in panic.
Lindo, Chelsegorn, and Jandalf grinned, and screamed simultaneously, "WE'RE FAMOUS!!!"
The Riders cheered wildly in panic.
"Would you like to go to the city, Edoras?" asked Exar Kun. "Afraid I can't take you there m'self, but I can show you the way."
"Okay. Where is it?"
"That way," he pointed.
"Thanks," said Jandalf.
"You can have the van, if you want," said Chelsegorn.
"We're leaving it here, anyway," said Lindo. "Come on, wizard-slave."
Obi-Wan pouted.
The Riders cheered wildly in panic.
Han and Watto exchanged glances, dragging Isolder along with them. "Hey, what about us?"
Exar Kun looked over at them. "Oh. You with those three?"
"Yeah."
"All right, I suppose. Go ahead. And by the by, we happen to have a few spare horses on us. Can't really remember if their masters died, or what, but you can have 'em."
They received the seven mysterious horses gratefully, since their van was quite beyond repair, and stuff.
The Riders cheered wildly in panic, and waved good-bye.
***
A/N: If you, the Reader, do not know who Exar Kun is, look him up on the starwars.com database, under "characters". All the information you need. Or I could just tell you right now…
Nah. I'll be nasty.
And don't complain to me that you don't have the Internet. Chances are, if you're reading this, you do. And if you don't, you're one of my local friends, reading the printout, and can easily come over to my house, where I have the Internet.
Anyway. On with the spoof.
***
"Why haven't you talked about us?" complained Luke. "It's been eight whole Microsoft-Word-10-size-font-face-Verdana pages since we appeared last."
Quit griping. You and Wedge wandering about in the mountains isn't quite as entertaining. Well, it wasn't, anyway.
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Wedge.
Ohhh, nothing…
"Riiiiiight." He decided (wisely) to keep walking and stop talking.
Unlike Luke.
"I hate this lembas bread. I'm so tired of it. Stupid mountains. Why couldn't we go around them? My feet are sore. I want a helicopter. Someone should go fetch that Da Vinci guy. I'm sure he'd be able to come up with a good flying machine. I hate walking. I'm gonna get a blister. I hate blisters. It's icky when they pop. I want to stop for a while. I'm cold. I—"
Luke. SHUT UP BEFORE I HURT YOU.
He cringed and kept walking.
Little did the two hobbits know that they were being followed.
"We're not alone, Wedge," said Luke.
Luke. You're not supposed to know that yet.
"Oh. How 'bout in a few minutes?"
*sigh* Okay.
A few minutes passed.
"We're not alone, Wedge," said Luke.
"Oh," said Wedge, not really caring.
***
The end…for now…
Heeheeheee!!!
I'll update soon. Maybe even today. Who knows…
