"Everybody Hurts"
Rowan Arkenson
Summary: Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...
Disclaimers: I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.
A/N: Well look at me with my quickness. But only cause chapters 8, 9 and 10 are kinda just three parts of one chapter, but I wanted to split it into three. See? And I love you all so much! Why are you so nice to me? I don't deserve such great reviews, I really don't. But hey, it's fun to be loved, I'm not gonna complain! :D And I better get cookies for updating this quicker than usual! Love and huggles, -rowanx
Chapter Nine – Part Two: To Fight For Love
"James?" Remus shook his friend's shoulder, hard. "James, wake up."
James opened his eyes, shivering. He could feel the cold deep inside him, and curled up to himself for warmth.
"Have you been out here all night?" James didn't say anything.
Remus helped James up delicately and walked with him to the castle. As soon as the pair got inside the front doors, James stumbled into the warmth, a prick of shock jolting into his body. He hadn't realised how cold he was until he felt how warm he could feel.
"Are you sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital wing?" said Remus with a frown.
"No, I'm – fine," mumbled James hoarsely. He glanced sideways at his friend as they walked up the stairs. Remus was looking straight ahead; a closed expression James couldn't read. "So I suppose you know then," James said quietly, concentrating all his efforts on walking up the steps without tripping.
Remus was quiet for a moment. "It wasn't me who – "
"I know."
Another pause. "I don't know why he would…"
"I hadn't thought you would."
The awkward conversation between the two obliterated as they reached the portrait hole. James' insides crumbled. He couldn't face them. Lily was still angry with him, of course she was, though he still didn't fully understand why. Maybe this was just her way of getting back at him. So then what was Sirius' excuse? They'd been best friends for years. Longer than James had been friends with Moony or Wormtail for. Then James had a sickening thought. Maybe Sirius was just trying to get back at him too…for not noticing, not being there to…to notice.
"Prongs?" James looked up. Remus was standing at the open portrait hole, waiting for him. "Maybe we should just go down to breakfast, or to the library, or…"
James smiled. "Just because…things have happened, it doesn't mean I'm gonna want to go to the library anymore Moony." His smile vanished. "I'm fine. Why should this effect me in anyway. If he wants her, he can have her. I'm done."
James stalked passed Remus, almost convincing himself by the words. He wouldn't be effected. He wouldn't let either of them think they'd hurt him in anyway.
The common room was alive with the buzz of Gryffindors just woken up and too early for breakfast. Sirius and Lily were sitting together in the corner of the room. James stopped. She was sitting on his lap. Hands locked. Faces laughing. Lips, so close…
Tears pricking at James' eyes, he walked in the opposite direction towards a table. He sat down, breathing heavily; he could feel Remus standing close behind. They were all just waiting for James to break down. He could sense everyone in the common room staring at him, whispering, laughing, could see Lily and Sirius in his head, being intimate together, mocking him, could picture Remus and Peter standing, laughing at James' own stupidity…
"Moony, how about a game of chess?" James reached out his hand and conjured his chess board towards him, without opening his eyes. He could hear gasps and ducks as the board soared through the air from his luckily open dormitory. It smacked into his hands, and he ignored the pain, setting it down in front of hm.
When James opened his eyes, and Remus was sitting in front of his obediently, staring intently at the chess board, same as James, as if he too was longing to stare at the couple in wonder. And anger.
James looked around. No one was laughing at him. No one was whispering. No one was even looking. It's good to be loved, James thought with a smile.
"I'm black, you're white?" James said.
"Hmm?" Remus looked up. "Oh, yes, yes, same as usual."
They started playing. Just a quick game. Breakfast was soon. James knew Remus was letting him win. He didn't care. They were kissing now. Slowly, gently, carelessly. They were kissing, and James wanted to scream.
Suddenly James stood up, knocking the table and bringing some chess pieces down. Remus stood up too. "Breakfast?"
"Sure." James walked out of the common room hurriedly, ignoring them. He would just have to ignore them. Ignore everything – block it out.
"Where's Peter?" James asked casually but quietly and they headed towards the Great Hall.
"Prongs, maybe we should talk about this with him…"
"Did he go down to breakfast?"
"I could talk to him for you…"
"Shut up." James could feel anger rising inside. "Shut, up, Remus. Just, just shut up. Ok?"
Remus looked shocked, but nodded slowly and walked inside the hall. James saw Peter sitting by himself, reading the Daily Prophet. He looked up as the two walked towards him and smiled nervously.
Prongs and Moony sat down opposite Peter. There was a small silence. Peter said, "So, um, have you seen Padfoot this mor…" Peter stopped and winced as Remus kicked him under the table. James stared hard at the plate of toast. He didn't eat anything, but waited patiently as the others ate, noisily, hungrily.
Finally Sirius came into the hall, grinning loudly. James squeezed his eyes tight shut, and when he opened them stared only at his plate. Sirius sat down next to Peter. "Gooood morning, and what a beautiful one it is I might add."
No one said anything. "Well what's up with you three this morning? You should all be haaaaaaaaappy – "
"Sirius what the fuck do you think you're playing at?" Moony said suddenly, using his best friend's real name and surprising James.
Sirius frowned. "What?" he said with a voice covered in such sickly innocence, James wanted to throw up.
"Um, I think he's talking about Lily, Padfoot," Peter said quietly.
"What? I haven't done anything wrong?" Sirius frowned. "What you mean the James thing? Prongs, look mate, you weren't going for her, and you never said anyone else could –"
"He shouldn't have to say that Lily's off limits Sirius!" Remus yelled. A few people looked up so he lowered his voice. "You don't even like her."
"How do you know that? How do you know anything about me anymore? It's all about James and Lily James and Lily – no one else gets a say in anymore."
Peter looked up from his shyness. "That's not fair."
Sirius stopped, "Ok, so maybe that's not exactly the truth, but he doesn't care anyway right? All this time he's been going on about needing to get over her –"
"And that gives you the right to her?" said Remus angrily.
"Well she didn't want him at any rate!"
James was still staring at the table intensely, ignoring the raging battle above him as he collected his thoughts together and tried really hard to concentrate on not punching Sirius.
Sirius turned towards James. "Look, mate, you don't mind right? I mean, I like her too you know…and you weren't going for – "
James stood up and walked out of the hall.
Staring intensely into the fires, James was sat at an armchair, looking as though he were half asleep, but refused to be. Sirius walked over to James slowly. By now, a whole ten hours after that morning's conflict, the totality of the common room had heard of the best friends' existing tension, but no one knew why it was there, and everyone fell unnoticeably quiet, trying to sneakily eavesdrop on the pair.
"Prongs? Mate? Can we talk?"
"…Where's Lily?" James said spitefully, without looking up.
"She's seeing Priscilla. Who's getting a lot better by the way." There was no spite or bitterness in Sirius' voice. "Can we talk?" he said again.
James didn't answer. His hands gripped the armchair, hard. Sirius saw this, and sunk backwards into a chair. "Listen, I'm not going to apologise for going out with Lily. This is stupid. We like each other Prongs. Can't you just accept this? You're being childish."
"You don't like her," James said quietly, rage and hurt all entwining inside him. Confusion was bottling his brain, smashing glass inside an eternity of friendship.
"What? How do you know? Yes I do, James. I…"
"Why are you doing this to me?"
Sirius looked as if James had just slapped him. "Bloody hell, Prongs. I'm not doing this deliberately. Not everything's about you, surprisingly."
James closed his eyes, breathing in and out. Always remembering to just breathe. "Why…" he repeated, but failed to get the rest out.
"James – I want her same reason you do…"
A laugh. "No you didn't." James turned towards Sirius. "You want her because you've already had everyone else. I want her because – because there is no one else you fucking son of a bitch." James lost concentration, and forgot to try anymore. He punched Sirius, hard in the chest.
Padfoot went flying off the small chair, and landed on his back. He didn't have time to look confused, because James knelt on top of him, punching him once in the face. Sirius managed to reach his wand, and James fell back a little. But after the moment's hesitation, James grabbed Sirius' hand and the two scrappled for it, finally knocking it a few metres away. Sirius turned James over and stood, kicking him in the ribs. But from below Sirius' feet were pulled under him and James managed to scramble to the advantage again, repeatedly hitting Sirius in the face.
Eventually, someone yelled at them to stop. A fifth year called for Remus and Peter to come down. Remus hurried down the stairs, and lunged forward, pulling James up and off of Sirius. Peter gasped as he stumbled down into the common room besides his friends. He'd never seen Prongs and Padfoot looking so murderous before. James shrugged Remus off and glared at Padfoot, down on the floor.
Sirius slowly stood up, looking bruised and weak, and started walking towards James. Remus stood by helplessly, but ready for another fight. Sirius looked deadly: eyes glaring, head down. "You fucking little shit," he said, talking as he might to a Slytherin, but never to a best friend. Everyone was stood as if in a trance, watching this horrific life-changing piece of still life exist, just for a moment, the heat and anger drifting dangerously between the best friends.
James lunged for Sirius again, so quick even a bolt of lightning couldn't have struck between the fight. Remus didn't have time to react, as James pushed Sirius up against a wall, punching him again and again.
Suddenly James stopped. He couldn't have said at the time what made him stop just then, but afterwards he knew it was the Deja Vue that made him hesitate. Pricks at the back of his mind, which warned him of the stillness in the room. Stepping back, he knew Lily was standing behind him before he even turned round.
Sirius dropped to his knees, coughing bitterly, hand to his throat. Lily flew to his side, touching and caressing his shoulders so gently it made James feel weaker than Sirius did.
And then Lily looked up, black eyes never to match his own, disgust never to match his desperate love. And then she said, "You haven't changed," with what sounded like hurt from her own voice. And then she gently helped Sirius to his feet, walking him out of the common room. And then he was walked into his dormitory, away from accusing eyes. And then he fell against the door, and broke into a thousand sharp pieces. To fight for love, to cry for death.
