Yay! The next chapter is finally here! Sorry I kept you waiting so long, but life has accelerated, it being that time of year and all, and I have also been busy betaing Audreidi's Jedi Dawn…blah blah blah.
Next Chapter.
Oh, yeah, and a BIG THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE REVIEWED, WHICH IS ACTUALLY A VERY SMALL NUMBER BUT THAT'S OKAY AS LONG AS YOU GUYS AND SOME NEW PEOPLE REVIEW!!!
Also, I will be making a rather large reference to the Dune series in this chapter, especially the book Children of Dune, but if you don't know it, that's okay because there'll practically be a basic outline of the events of the book anyway…heh.
~~~***~~~
Sooo…back to the others.
The Uruk-troopers had just about run themselves to exhaustion. Fortunately for them, they had missed out on the part where they camp beside Fangorn Forest at night, and had not been slaughtered mercilessly by Exar Kun and his panicked Rohirrim. Therefore, hobbit Han and Chewbacca had not been able to escape, and were just realizing something must have gone wrong when they passed through the gates of Isengard.
"Chewie. I don't think the troopers were supposed to make it this far."
[…Oh. You could be right on that. Hey, Uruk-dude!]
The Uruk-trooper that carried Chewie on his back grunted at Han. "What he say?"
"We want to know why we're here. We were supposed to have escaped."
The Uruk-troopers that carried Han and Chewie halted in confusion, backing up the rest behind them. "What?"
"Take issue up with Darth Vader," snarled the lead Uruk-trooper, who had been renamed Og after the other Og died. Uruk-trooper leaders were always called Og, for no particular reason. "He work something out."
"Ja, ja," the rest of the Uruks said, making Han and Chewie wonder if they had any German blood. "Ja", by the way, is pronounced "yah", for those who don't know that a "j" in German makes a "y" sound. There, you just had a German mini-lesson. Now you're ready to tour Deutschland! But not before reading however much this spoof has left at this point.
But anyway. The two hobbits were dragged mercilessly up the stairs and into the room with the doors, in which Obi-Wan had previously received his beating, which was back on page eleven, quite a while ago.
They were shoved to kneel on the floor while Darth Vader himself walked into the room, and stared at them, rather surprised. "What are they doing here?"
The lead Uruk-trooper scratched his head in confusion. "You order we nab hobbits. We nab hobbits, bring them here. You like?"
"Uh…sheet. I don't know. Just a moment." Darth Vader pulled his script off the shelf, dusted it off, and scanned through. "It never says anything about me interrogating or capturing a pair of hobbits."
This confused the Uruk-trooper so much, he left the room before his head blew up.
Han and Chewie remained on the floor, hoping things would go their way.
Vader kept staring at his script, not really paying any attention to the hobbits.
Chewie got up off the floor when he saw a cool-looking rock on top of a stone pedestal. [Hey, what's that?]
Han stared at it. "Wow. I dunno. What do you think it does?"
[Maybe it's like that Force-sensitive rock Qui-Gon gave Obi-Wan for his thirteenth birthday.]
"You read too much."
[Yeah, I know.] Chewie walked up to the palantír and stared into it. [It's all swirly.]
Han got up to have a look, curiousity driving him. He poked it once. Nothing happened. Chewie prodded it gently. Still nothing.
They looked at each other.
"You thinking what I'm thinking?"
[I'll set up the pins.]
When Vader finally tore his attention from his script, he saw his two small captives playing a game of bowling with some random pins set up at one end of the room, and the two hobbits at the other. Han was in the middle of a delivery, and Vader saw the pair had actually gone so far as to drill three hobbit finger-sized holes into one side of the palantír.
"SHEET!!!" Vader yelled, and swiped the seeing stone away. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROCK???!!!???"
Han and Chewie stood forlornly.
"It already looked like a bowling ball."
[Can we keep it?]
"NO!!!! Now go back outside and tell Og to bring you back to their camp near Fangorn Forest, and that he has to drop you two off there."
Han and Chewie exchanged glances. [That's it?] Chewie asked.
"I mean, it seems kind of weird that you would just let us go like that," offered Han.
Vader stormed into a different room and slammed the door shut behind him, leaving the two hobbits in the room with the way out left wide open. They walked out and blinked in the bright sunshine.
Og was nowhere to be seen, along with his troops.
Then the pair saw the small storehouse off to the side, nestled against the wall. They grinned at each other and raced for it.
***
A maiden stood forlornly on a palace at the top of a town on the very top of a high hill that overlooked a lot of boring shrubbery. This particular maiden was forlorn because she was bored. Looking at shrubbery all day will do that to a maiden. If you are a maiden and are curious as to how this works, find a boring shrubbery-laden area of Middle-earth and try it yourself. If you are not a maiden, chances are it will work anyway. If you cannot find your way to Middle-earth, try the portal underneath your bed, or perhaps the backing of a wardrobe next to the one that leads to Narnia.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Depa Billaba stood there forlornly, wondering if her brother Exar Kun was ever going to come back. True, he was somewhat eccentric, but he was better company than a bunch of shrubbery. Besides, he had forgotten his grammatical guide at home, and she knew he tended to repeat himself without it.
A/N: Depa Billaba, in Star Wars, is Mace Windu's Padawan. Well, she was his Padawan. Then she became a Knight, then a Master, then she got a seat on the Jedi Council…you get the picture. Look her up in the databank while you're there for Exar Kun.
Depa saw something. Some people were coming over the horizon on horses. She squinted and made it out to be seven people. She couldn't see much besides that, so she took out her macrobinoculars.
First she saw a massive mechanical foot lifting from the snow. She zoomed out, and the huge metal frame turned out to be an Imperial AT-AT…
Oops. Wrong planet.
She zoomed in on the Group of Seven and found them painting a particularly nice area of Ontario shrubbery…
Oops. Wrong group.
Okay. Maybe I'll get it right this time: She zoomed in and focused on the motley group, seeing a human, an Elf, a wizard, a human, a Dwarf, a human, and a wizard. In that respect, she was much like her brother.
So Depa put away her macrobinoculars and watched them approach for a while, then headed inside, hoping she wouldn't find that shrubbery had infested the Golden Hall. It had been a few hours since she had been there, after all…
***
The horses picked their way over spindly shrubbery.
"There it is," said Isolder reverently. "Edoras."
Han rolled his eyes, got off his horse, and knocked at the gate. "So much for Elf long-sight."
"Come in," someone yelled from inside.
They looked at each other, opened the gate, and rode in.
There wasn't much to see except for a few houses rising out of the shrubbery. All the people were dressed in a cheerful bright yellow, and waved at them as they came in.
"Don't see why they're so happy," muttered Han. "This place bores the Force out of me."
"You aren't Force-sensitive," Chelsegorn reminded him.
"Yeah, thanks. I really needed that right now."
Lindo whacked Obi-Wan on the head and demanded more chocolate. Half-conscious, he complied miserably, wondering when it was ever going to end.
***
"Ohhhhh," groaned hobbit Han.
"Hhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnn," groaned Chewbacca.
The pair lay on the floor of Vader's storehouse, completely and utterly stuffed.
"That," grunted Han, lighting a pipe, "was an amazing meal."
[This,] said Chewie, also lighting a pipe, [is some amazing weed.]
"Got that right."
They lay in silence for a while, smoking their pipeweed.
"You know what," said Han, "I'm getting this strange urge to go into Fangorn Forest and make friends with a tree."
Ent. Make friends with an Ent.
"Sorry. With an Ent."
[What's an Ent?]
Han looked perplexed. "I have no idea. But I really like this weed."
Chewie nodded his agreement and sent up another ring. [Maybe we can go find this Ent thing after we're done smoking.]
Han paused. "The whole barrel?"
[…Sounds good to me.]
"Okay."
***
Darth Vader was bored. He needed a vacation.
I've heard More-Door is particularly nice this time of year, he thought. Besides, it was time for his annual report to his master.
Mwahahahaha.
***
A cold wind drifted through the dingy mountain range as the Narrator attempted to drag herself back from her latest reading of the TOTALLY AMAZINGLY COOL book, "The Phantom Tollbooth", by Norton Juster or somesuch. I think that's his name…then again, it might be the illustrator's… Ah, well. If you have never read it, pick it up after you're done reading this spoof, I urge you. It's cool for all ages, unless you were born yesterday, in which case you wouldn't be able to read…
Sithspawn, I keep getting distracted. Gets sort of annoying after a while. Anyway. So there was this cold wind in the dingy mountain range, the eerie noise it made covering up the scrabbling sound of a small creature.
"Nasssssty hobbitsessss," it muttered to itself in a gravelly voice. "Stole it from us, they did. Wants it back, we do…Precioussss!!"
"Find your own salad," Wedge muttered in his sleep while Luke snored loudly.
They both woke up all of a sudden because it seems to be an important plot device. I mean, it would kind of suck for them if they all of a sudden got strangled in their sleep by some little green dude…
The above mentioned creature launched himself from the cliff face to land on Luke's head. Luke started screaming while Wedge tried to pry the creature off.
"Get off Mr. Luke!!! Off, I say!!! OFF!!!"
The creature turned its attention to Wedge briefly, long enough to shove a random red crayon up his nostril.
"OWOWOWOWOWWWW!!!" Wedge tried to pull the crayon out. Not succeeding in this, he returned to the task of prying the creature off Luke's head.
Ten hours later, the creature fell limply off Luke's head, exhausted, while Wedge collapsed in a heap, the red crayon still stuck in his nose. Luke tottered over to their spread-out blankets and flopped down for a nap.
"Precious," the creature mumbled, and lapsed into snoring.
***
The next morning, the creature woke up to a different sort of tune. He noticed the rope tied around his neck, and looked up to see Luke standing there, indecisively holding up his blade, a panicked look on his face.
"Right," said Wedge, the red crayon still firmly lodged in his nose. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"
"Help you I can, yes."
Luke blinked. "I don't need your help. I'm looking for a Jedi Master."
Luke. Wrong script.
"Oops. Sorry. Um…yeah, we could use a bit of help."
Wedge looked shocked. "But Mr. Luke…we don't even know who he is yet."
"Um…Gollum. Yes, that was it. I think Obi-Wan told me he used to be called Yoda or somesuch."
"My name," Yoda whispered melodramatically. "My name. Yoda. Hmmm…suffering from Alzheimer's, I am. Forgot to pay my landlady last week, I did, and gave me the boot she did. Homeless am I, without a home, wandering alone, so sad, so sad…"
"Oh, spare us," scowled Wedge, tugging at the crayon vainly.
"Okay," said Luke. "Since the Narrator seems to be particularly indecisive today, I'm going to make Yoda lead us to More-Door."
Wedge thought about the whole story so far, and how it seemed to be leading to nowhere in particular. "Hey, Mr. Luke, how about we join up with the others again?"
"But I wanted to go aloooooooone," Luke whined.
Wedge shrugged. "That doesn't seem to be working so far."
Luke considered. "Good point. Okay, all we have to do is find them. Yoda, can you help us?"
Yoda thought about it. "Hmm… Help you I will, if the precious you give me when finished."
"Yeah, okay."
Wedge tugged at Luke's sleeve. "Um, aren't you supposed to make sure no one else gets the Ring?"
Luke shrugged. "A deal's a deal. Besides, it's only a hunk of metal. That's not what this story's really about, and everyone knows it."
Wedge could only shake his head at Luke's poor stupid ignorance.
Yoda clapped his hands happily. "Good, good. Take you to them, I will. Yes, yes."
***
"Thbbbppppphhhh."
[Heeheehee.]
"Hey, this one's going to be even better…okay…okay… Thhhbbbbbppppphhh."
[Heeheeheehee!]
Hobbit Han and Chewbacca were attempting to entertain themselves. Every time Han burped from their previous large meal, he would try to force it through his lips. Chewbacca found this infinitely amusing.
A deep but timidly quiet voice sounded out somewhere above their heads. "I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer, the little-death that brings total obliteration—"
"Hey!" shouted Han. "Who's talking?"
"Um…me."
They looked up…way up…and instead of the Friendly Giant, a tree looked down on them.
Oh, but this wasn't just any tree. It was an Ent.
And not just any Ent, either. It was Emperor Leto II.
[Who's that?] asked Chewie.
Read the Dune series by Frank Herbert. THEY ROCK!! EVERYONE DIES!! IT'S SO DEPRESSING!! BUT THEY STILL ROCK!!!
[Um…okay.]
"Hey, tree—" began Han.
"I'm an Ent," snapped Leto. "Even though I have no idea what the heck an Ent is."
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Why are you alive?"
Leto shrugged. "I'm not even sure how I got here. One minute, I was, like, metamorphosing and everything was cool, and I was having this cool chat with Ghani, and the next second, I'm in this forest… By the way, what are you?"
"A hobbit. We're both hobbits."
Leto gasped. "Not human! ABOMINATION!!"
"Huh?"
"Oh, never mind. I freak out sometimes, like all the other Bene Gesserit, except they're all chicks and I'm not, and they freak out a lot over Alia, too, but I guess it's what we get for being pre-born… Want a ride?"
"…Sure."
[Sounds good.]
Han and Chewie climbed up and seated themselves on one of Leto's branches.
Unlike most Ents, Leto had a tendency to talk too much, and was rambling on about his Golden Path while the hobbits sat clueless. "And there'll be millennia of peace, like with no war, and I'll be a way better Kwisatz Haderach than Muad'Dib, even though I'm not really one but it works anyway 'cause I can take the Spice Agony, and it'll be so cool, and I'll be the Emperor over the whole galaxy, and I'll have a total monopoly on all the spice, 'cause I've got these HUGE stockpiles of melange, and it'll be so cool, and I'll have all these Fish Speaker chicks, and the Atreides line'll get so mad at me 'cause I just won't die, and no one will ever find my piles and piles of melange until some Bene Gesserit chick named Darwi Odrade comes across them, and I know that'll happen 'cause the spice and stuff makes me prescient, and it's so cool being prescient, and I'll buy so many gholas of Duncan that I'll lose count, and then I'll squish 'em all, and it'll be so cool, and I'll drink the Water of Life again and again, and all the Fremen will be like, 'Kull wahad!' while I roll around in sandtrout like some prescient freak, and my sister's gonna be all weirded out, and it'll be so cool, and Muad'Dib's going to be, like, so jealous, 'cause I'm going to rule the universe while he's only named after some stupid mouse thing, and even the Guild and CHOAM will be so totally clueless, and they'll never ever be able to stop me, and it'll be so cool—"
"Do you ever stop talking?" interrupted Han, who was getting somewhat fed up at this point.
"Nope," said Leto proudly. "Stilgar got annoyed at me too, but that's okay because he's just a Naib, and what do they know about prescience and stuff? I mean, my dad did, and Ghanima does, and…wait, my dad's still alive, but not for long, 'cause he's going to get stabbed in the chest with a crysknife while the crowd freaks out in the middle of Arrakeen, but that's going to be after that idiot Namri slices the heel pumps on my stillsuit, and that sucked, 'cause I almost died, and then Alia and Duncan will be finished going through this emotional thing that's almost like a soap, but that's all before she's going to jump when she finally figures out that being possessed by that stinky fat old Baron is a bad thing, and she's going to tap her fingers all weird, and that'll give it away to my grandm—"
Leto, if you don't shut up, I'm going to make you sorry I ever incorporated you into this spoof. And shame on you for giving the Reader spoilers like that.
"Well, you can't hurt me, because I'm practically Shai-hulud, and even lasguns can't cut through my skin—"
LETO.
"Sorry." He remained silent for the rest of the trip.
"Lay-toe." Han thought. "That's a weird-sounding name."
[Well, you're named after a Chinese dynasty.] Chewie shrugged. [Who knows where this Herbert guy came up with a name like Leto.]
~~~***~~~
Jandalf needs coffee.
