"Everybody Hurts"
Rowan Arkenson
Summary: Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...
Disclaimers: I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.
A/N: Hopefully this will be a long chapter, lol, because I have lots of stuffs happening. Yay. By the way, people who are still reviewing, thank you for still reviewing! Just because I'm not writing this quickly doesn't mean I'm not writing it at all!! Oh, and by the way, if you're worried about this chapter's title, then, well, you should be. :P -rowanx
Chapter Ten – Part Three: To Die, In Love
"Are you sure you're alright?" Remus said, leaning forward.
Priscilla laughed. "Yes! I'm fine ok? Pomfrey said I'll be fine and back to lessons tomorrow. Other than that my legs ache a little, but I'm fine." She smiled. "It was nice of you all to come and see me though! I'm so bored and I've only been in here a few days. Have I missed anything?!" James gulped and looked away. Peter shifted uneasily in his chair with a little squeak and Remus smiled heavily.
"Well, we got a huge essay from Kiel out the misuse of the Dragon's Potion we learned about last month," Remus said with a grin.
Priscilla groaned. "Oh great. I'm so glad to be getting better then." Peter and Remus laughed. James dropped to his feet from the side table and stood with his hands in his pockets, leaning against it.
"Sirius and Lily are going out," he said calmly.
Priscilla's face lit up. "Oh that's fantastic! Sirius and…" she stopped. The light from her face emptied as she said "…Lily… Oh," she added quietly. She stared at James. "Oh…" she said again.
"Yep, lucky them," Remus said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
As Priscilla stared at James he knew that she had guessed he liked Lily ages ago, just like the Marauders had said she had. Just like they had told him everyone had known; apart from him and her, that is.
"And…you're ok with that, James?" Priscilla asked him with an eyebrow raised.
"Nope," said Remus, leaning back in his chair and looking at James with a small smirk, a hint of both admiration and worry in his face. "He beat the crap out of Sirius."
Priscilla gasped. "Oh James you didn't!"
James shrugged. "No teachers found out if that's what you're worried about."
"Sirius hit you too, James," said Peter, pointedly. "'Cept you have a spell that cleared that up and he doesn't. I think he told the teachers he walked into several doors in quick succession," Peter added to Priscilla.
James sat back on the table, staring at the wall next to him.
There was a short silence. Then Priscilla groaned again and turned to Remus. "So how long is this essay?" she whined.
He grinned. "…Lonnnnnng."
Peter laughed and James just sat in silence, willing away the hours; wondering how long he would have to ignore it for…
Going to class was fun. Over the next week James was lucky enough to see Sirius in every single lesson he went to because, funnily enough, as best friends for 17 years they were very alike, and had chosen all of the same subjects. Each time they saw each other James wanted to kill himself. Or kill Sirius. He didn't know anymore. They met outside a History of Magic lesson, Sirius with Remus, and James with Peter. The two had just stared at each other, and then had lunged forward quickly and Remus had stepped between them, pushing James back and Peter dragging Sirius into the classroom. James had felt shaky. He didn't want to start on Sirius again. He just thought that if he didn't feel angry, he would feel miserable instead; and he didn't want to feel like that anymore. At least with his anger he had someone to take it out on. But wallowing in his own misery was his own fault. He wished he could explain this to Sirius, but then remembered that it was Sirius' fault in the first place. He hated missing his best friend.
Now not only was James without his Lily, he was without Sirius as well. And they were with each other. It was horrible. Every time James saw them together, and they were together for half his lessons and most of the evenings in his presence, she was on his lap, or they were hugging into each other, kissing, right in front of him, as if on purpose. James even wondered occasionally if they were in this together and were intentionally seeking out to get back at him. This thought of course only lead to more hatred – his own…
"Maybe if I hadn't just been ignoring them both loads this wouldn't have happened," James was saying aloud to Remus.
"No way, this can't be your fault mate," Remus replied angrily, standing up and walking over to the fireplace. "I just can't believe Sirius. He never even said anything about…" At that moment Padfoot himself and his lovely lady walked into the common room. James turned away, refusing to look, refusing to watch them like he had forced himself to watch them, almost obsessively, for one week now. How much longer would he be forced to watch them for…
"Night Sirius," said Lily. James could practically feel her turn away from Padfoot, her breathing moving from behind his chair across the room to her dorm. "Goodnight Remus," she said pointedly.
"Huh! How mature…" James muttered, standing to face Remus.
There was a stillness in the air as James prepared himself not to attack Sirius, Remus prepared himself to stop the attack, and Sirius stood looking purposeful.
"Prongs, can we…"
"I think I'm gonna go to bed," James said loudly. "Lots of homework to do tomorrow, I still haven't finished that Potions essay yet…"
Remus laughed uneasily, shortly. "Even with that extensions Kiel gave you that was almost a week's worth of detention?"
Sirius frowned and walked forward. "Look you can't just ignore me forever Pr…"
"No, I haven't. Can't think why but I've just felt too distracted lately. Can't seem to do anything," James said, feeling immature himself now. He walked towards the dormitory stairs, but Sirius was there, blocking his path. James looked away. "Get out of my way," he said, avoiding Sirius' gaze.
"James at least fucking look at me!" Sirius said suddenly, surprising James and Remus. James walked a bit away. "Ok, fine," said Sirius angrily. "Moony then, maybe you can talk to this drama queen for me?"
But Remus shook his head. "No, Sirius, I'm not getting involved here."
"What do you mean you're not getting involved, you've already chosen sides!" yelled a furious Sirius. "Any time you even speak to me anymore it's about how you want me to think about what I've done, asking me why I did it. Yeah, thanks for hearing me out, both of you."
James paused. "Fine," he said, "Then explain. Fucking try to explain this." He still wouldn't meet his best friend's eyes.
Sirius hesitated. "Ok," he said. "Ok…well, what do you want to know?"
"I don't know! You're the one who wants a chance to redeem himself! Why don't you tell me what I want to hear!"
"Ok then. Lily loves you, not me, I never had any feelings for her and I love you James, I'll never do anything ever to annoy you because it's always you we have to look after and protect!" Sirius shouted, moving closer to James and sitting down in a wooden chair.
Remus was standing nearby, looking anxious, but James simply replied, "Since when have I ever said it all had to be about me, Sirius?" Padfoot opened his mouth, but James cut across him. "No, just because you've been having a shit time at home and refusing to let us even talk to you about it, and just because I don't ignore my friends trying to help me, not entirely anyway, does not make me want it to 'all be about me'."
"Yeah? What about as soon as that…stuff," Sirius said simply, painfully, "happened with me, you had to start going on about your own heaven-sent parents. You can't stand someone else being in the lime light."
"Is this why you're going out with her?!" James said incredulously, staring at the wall and kicking it. "To pay me back for all these things you're accusing me of? 'Cause if you are then that's just really shit of you, Black."
Sirius fell silent at the change of his name, but tried not to falter. "No, of course it isn't." He paused, watching James intently for any sign of recognition that James noted Sirius even existed. James refused to change the expression on his face. "I really like Lily, she's really nice. She's beautiful. She's…she's perfect, James."
"You're telling me this now?" James said, rubbing his head for want of a better thing to do, feeling helpless.
"Yes! I am! I like her as well as you! You'll just have to deal with this! If it had been someone else going out with her now, you wouldn't hate them all of a sudden would you?"
"But you're my friend…" James said, breaking half-way through the sentence with such anguish that he couldn't stop a tear from escaping his eyes. He turned away as they filled up. He breathed in and then turned around, sharply, staring for the first time straight at Sirius. Sirius stood up in shock, almost defensively. "If she liked me, and had asked me out, I would have said yes," said James heavily. "But if I had known you liked her too, I would have backed off. You know I would have," he added at the look of protest from Sirius' face. "Just because you like her too, doesn't justify… You don't even know what love feels like, you have a new one every week!"
Sirius sighed, and moved forward cautiously. Remus moved with him. "James, I know what this must seem like, but out of everyone I've ever gone out with, she's the first one I've felt this way about..."
James shook his head. "No, no she isn't. The only reason you want her is because you've already had everyone else. I want her because for me, there is no one else, you son of a bitch. Whatever you imagine I've done to you, you were still always my best friend. I would never do this to you. Why the hell… Why are you even going out…" he asked for the thousandth time, still not understanding any of it. He stared at Sirius intensely, wanting nothing more than to hurt him.
"James, I asked her out, but I wouldn't have if…"
"Maybe I don't care why you fucking asked her out!" James erupted suddenly, making Sirius jump. "Maybe I don't care why she said yes! Maybe I don't even care that she said yes! Maybe I don't care that we're no longer friends!" Sirius melted backwards. "Maybe I don't care about fucking you, or fucking her!" he turned to walk out of the common room but as he reached his stairs he saw Lily at the foot of them, shock and confusion filling her face.
James stepped backwards quickly, and looked away from her. He ran his hands through his hair.
"Lily…" Sirius said, fake-happy, looking awkward.
"Why are you two fighting about this?" Lily said desperately. "I don't understand…" James knew she was talking directly at him, even though she was looking to Sirius, but he didn't answer. He couldn't answer. What would he say?
"I'm sorry Sirius," Lily said quietly. "But I can't stand this. I don't want to be with you when you're fighting with James all the time."
Sirius looked panicky. "But, Lily…"
Lily walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek. There were tears on her cheeks. "I really like you Sirius, but I can't take it. I'm too confused about…about everything..." She backed away, "I'm really sorry…" and ran out of the common room. James stared at Sirius, then looked away and walked out of the common room to his dormitory, letting the door shut softly behind him.
James didn't sleep that night. Sirius hadn't come to the dormitory, so James had assumed that he wasn't sleeping either. Neither was Remus, tossing and turning and eventually staring up at his bed top. Peter was sleeping occasionally, after having heard the story whispered from Remus' bed, and not having the full experience of hearing so many hearts breaking in the same room.
All awake, but none of them spoke; nothing worth saying.
Feeling his throat raspy and sore after his argument with Sirius, James put a hand to his throat and rubbed it, as though that would help at all. He had never before shouted so much at his best friend. It broke his soul to hate and yet miss Sirius more than he ever thought possible.
Of course James wondered that night if Lily breaking up with Sirius had anything to do with him; and he couldn't ignore the fact that of course it did. She clearly said so. She couldn't stand them fighting. What wasn't said that really, she couldn't stand them fighting over her. James crinkled his eyebrows. So what did that mean? Did she like him? No, she told Sirius she was confused, not in love with someone else…unless she was confused about how she felt for someone else – James?
Thoughts blowing a tornado around his head, James stayed awake watching the sun rise, and he gently arose, seeing Peter already up and Remus rubbing his forehead. It was early, but none of them were going to get more sleep.
The Marauders had never been more divided and less aware of how to solve a division before. James sighed heavily as he put on his robes.
During the next day no one saw Sirius at all. Remus said he was probably out in the grounds, thinking or working on homework. But James knew that if Sirius was anything like himself, he'd have way too much to think about without remembering or calculating anything.
On Monday during lessons James watched Sirius more intently than he ever had done, and if he was staring in a kind and worried nature, he may have noticed the creases under Sirius' eyes, the set resolve in those eyes that barely moved from their position staring straight forward, the words that didn't come out of his mouth, not to one person, and that one, repetitive, slow movement of Sirius' monotonous day: a scratching movement, back and fourth, over the sleeves of his arm, as he didn't listen to the teachings given to him. James didn't notice; he didn't care enough to notice, didn't care enough to realise that he did still care, didn't notice enough to realise he wanted to notice, wanted to help and care and act.
Stuck in a loop, he couldn't have stopped the inevitable even if he had noticed enough to act.
James stuck to Remus most of the day as his shelter; Remus and Peter sitting between the two during double Potions, James and Sirius sitting at opposite ends of the greenhouse during Herbology, manging to work without talking when they were unfortunately paired up in DADA, purposefully chosing completely different animals to study in Care of Magical Creatures, and managing not to work in Transfiguration while they were forced to sit by the other but turned in the opposite direction for the entirety of the lesson.
James wondered if Sirius had been right with what he had said on Saturday night. With Remus immediately taking James' side? James looked at Remus as they headed back to the common room to do some catch-up homework before dinner. Remus looked worse than James felt. He had never thought before that catching Moony up in all this was really bad. Someone needed to be over with Sirius; at least, to tell him how wrong he was, James thought quickly.
"Moony, you alright?"
Remus looked up. He grinned. "Sure why not," he said in a happy, Remus-like way.
James frowned. "Yeah right." Remus' grin faded. "You always get it out of me when I'm down; tell me. What's wrong?"
"Well, I just…it's just, Padfoot is…I don't know. Everything all seems so shitty that's all."
James nodded. "Yeah. I know…"
"No, it's not just that." Remus stop walking, and James followed suit. "Everything all seems so shit, and… When was the last time you looked at your calendar Prongs?" James frowned for a moment, and then remembered.
"Full moon," he said, understanding. Remus looked glum. "Don't worry; I promise me and Sirius won't kill each other while you're off. In fact, I could come with you? Be Prongs for a few nights." James grinned, but Remus shook his head.
"No. Hopefully with me gone you and Sirius might decide to be a little more mature!" Remus grinned and walked ahead, leaving James to trail behind him, deep in thought.
Sirius wasn't at dinner that night, nor was he at the emergency quidditch practice that evening. Not that James could blame him. He didn't want to go either; not just because Lily was going to be there, but he also had so much homework to get through he couldn't imagine ever having time to sleep ever again.
The practice went ok, despite the loss of one beater, the lack of concentration from two chasers, and the overshadowing ever-present reminder that they had a quidditch match in two Saturdays' time, and, due to James' hectic life and forgetfulness, they had barely practiced for ages.
So James was proud of his team as they dove down from the cold wind and landed on the sharp grass, walking in towards warmth and comfort.
"Remember, Ravenclaw have two new chasers this year, two 5th years called Grace and Penelope. They're sisters, and I've seen them – they look healthy and confident, so we better watch out for them in the match. Arthur and Priscilla especially – watch out to keep those goals covered and Priscilla, you and Sirius have my permission to be as brutal as you can towards these cute little 5th years!" Everyone grinned confidently and Anne laughed, the whole team feeling inspired and confident about the coming match; everyone feeling a thousand times more so than James, who waited until everyone had changed and left, before going back outside to the now raining dark grey skies above him.
On his broom, James realised that there was once a time when in the cooling breeze, all he could think about was Lily. Now all he was thinking about was Sirius… Maybe he should talk to him…
James nearly fell off his broom in anger as he cried pathetically for the hatred he held to himself. Hating Sirius and not even trying to let go of the hatred. Wanting to forgive Sirius and be his friend again, but never wanting to see the traitor again.
All he's fucking done is love someone. Where's the harm in that?
The harm was to you. He didn't care about that did he?
James' inner voices argued all the way up to the castle until he thought he would faint with exhaustion. James decided he had to talk to Sirius; whether it was to yell more or to apologise and forgive – he just couldn't stand thinking about this all the time. It was getting ridiculous.
Peter was in the common room talking to Priscilla.
James smiled. "How was practice tonight for you?" he asked kindly, kissing her on the cheek.
"Fine," she said grinning. "My leg doesn't hurt at all now." Suddenly she looked worried. "Did you think we were ok? I mean, with all the missed practices lately, and…well…with you and Sirius being all – not talking – do you think we'll be ready??"
James managed a laugh. "Of course we will be! We're Gryffindor, the unbeatables!!"
"Apart from, of course, when you get beaten," Peter said, and Priscilla laughed. James walked away and they returned to their previous conversation; something to do with plants that James held no interest in whatsoever.
From the otherwise empty common room James had concluded Sirius may be in the dormitory. He opened the door and looked around at the darkened room. No one was around. James felt almost disappointed. But no, why should he make the extra effort to find Sirius? He'd talk to him in the morning.
James walked in, closed the door behind him, and froze. After a moment of racing heartbeats he turned slowly back around to stare at the space between Sirius and Remus' beds. There was no bedside table, as both bed's tables were round the other side of them. James stared hard in the tricking half-light from the open-windowed moonshine. There was a shadow slumped against the wall, looking as though curled into itself. James jumped, but then realised that whoever it was, they weren't going to move.
After standing there for ten minutes, becoming more and more afraid of turning the light on, becoming more and more aware of who was sitting there, James turned the light on, and ran to Sirius' side.
"Sirius? Sirius! Wake up Sirius, that isn't even funny," James said desperately, shaking his friend's shoulders. James stared shaking at the knife in Sirius' hands, the deep, long cuts on both his arms, the cuts on his leg, a trouser-leg rolled up for the specific purpose, the blood leaking through every inch of Sirius' hacked-at body, the blood seeping onto James' hands as he shook harder and harder, barely even aware of falling right down and clutching Sirius to him, hugging him hard and yelling his name, being covered with blood of the Blacks, not even aware of saying, "I'm sorry Sirius, I'm sorry! It's all my fault, I didn't notice, you were right, I didn't notice, just don't go, don't die…", crying his friend's name over and over again until he heard a door open, and felt Sirius being prized from his arms as he fell into unconsciousness, hearing an empty scream yell inside his broken soul…
