WOW!! I'M ACTUALLY UPDATING!! Heh. I'm doing what I can for "Insert Irrelevant Title Here", but it's slow going. Busy and all that. You know, Darth Real Life strikes back. (shrugs) Well, guys, have fun with this. I'll see what I can do to keep this moving. MANY THANKS TO ALL WHO REVIEWED!!
"The Plot goes ever on and on, down from the brain where it began…"
Jandalf groaned and grabbed a random pillow, wrapping it around her ears in an attempt to block out the off-key singing.
"…and we must follow it if we can…"
"Rrrrrrrggghhh," warned human Han. "If you don't shut your word port…"
"You're gonna do what?" asked Isolder perkily, having finished singing. He was bouncing up and down, as caffeine was still coursing through his stupid system. While the company had been waiting outside the castle of Edoras (as the guards found they had gotten locked outside and were trying to get one of the men in through a window to open the door) the guards had invited them to take a short coffee break with them. Most of the company had agreed readily, but two of the members, namely Chelsegorn and Lindo, had declined on the coffee part of it, preferring to have hot chocolate and the donuts that were supplied to everyone.
Obi-Wan stared miserably into his half-emptied styrofoam cup of coffee. Although his pact with Lindo and Chelsegorn only had two more pages to go, the Narrator was writing at such a slow pace, it seemed he'd be a wizard-slave forever.
The terrible two came up behind him and smacked him on the head again. "MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!"
Meanwhile, Watto was busily engaged in a debate with one of the guards, arguing about how he could have possibly ridden in on a horse.
"It's in the script! You should-a take a look, I think, uhhh?"
"Impossible, for a creature of your anatomy. You're clearly built for hovering and not for riding horses."
"But how did I get here, then, uhh?"
"I don't know—mayhap the Narrator poofed you here."
"Poofed?"
"You know, when things mysteriously appear or misplace themselves."
"Aaahh, you mean 'kavammed'. But I still came in on horseback!"
This argument carried on far longer than the Narrator thought interesting, so she moved her focus back on some other characters.
"Now if you really want to sing something good," Jandalf was saying to Isolder, "you should memorize 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Queen. That is one amazing song, I can tell you."
"How does it go?" asked Isolder, scratching his head.
Obi-Wan gasped. "No, don't get them started—"
But alas and alack, it was far too late. Jandalf and Lindo both stood up and began belting, "IS THIS THE REAL LIFE…IS IT JUST FANTASY? CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE, NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY! OPEN YOUR EYES…LOOK UP TO THE SKIES AND SEEEEEEEEE!" Along with Chelsegorn, they began to giggle, collapsing to the floor helplessly.
Obi-Wan groaned.
"Come on, Obi," gasped Jandalf. "You know the rest."
"Absolutely not," he said sternly. "The day that I'll—"
"SING, WIZARD-SLAVE!!!" screamed Lindo.
"This is only your last page of debt," added Chelsegorn.
Obi-Wan fumed, having no choice, and gravely stood up as the trio of Lord of the Clings characters collapsed into helpless laughter once more. "I'm just a poor boy…I need no sympathy…"
"BECAUSE I'M EASY COME!" screamed Lindo.
"EASY GO!" yelled Jandalf.
"LITTLE HIGH!!" returned Lindo.
"LITTLE LOW!!" replied Jandalf, and the three began giggling again.
Obi-Wan sighed, and continued to sing, having not a bad voice at all. Anyone who's watched Moulin Rouge knows what the Narrator's talking about. "Any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter, to meeee…to me."
"KEEP GOING!!!" yelled Chelsegorn.
Obi-Wan cast a despairing look upon the rest of the company, and the Edoras guardsmen, who were doing a very bad job of choking down their laughter. "Mamaaaa…just killed a man…put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead… Mamaaaaa…life had juuuust beguuuuun…but now I've gone and thrown it aaaalllllll awaaayyyyyyyy!! …Mama… Oooo-oooo…didn't mean to make you cry…If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on…carry on…as if nothing really matters…"
Jandalf and Lindo supplied the short piano interlude with little "dooo" noises.
"Go on," Chelsegorn prompted him.
Obi-Wan sighed again, and launched into the next verse. "Too late, my time has come, sent shivers down my spine, body's aching all the tiiiime, goodbye, everybody…I've got to gooooo…" His high notes made everyone dissolve into laughter again. "Gotta leave you all behind, and faaaace the truuuuuuuth… Mama… Oooo-oooo…I don't wanna die… I SOMETIMES WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL!!!!"
Lindo and Jandalf exchanged wicked glances, and hopped up beside him for the next part after supplying the next and longer interlude with some more musical "dooo"s.
"I see a little silhouette-o of a man," grunted Obi-Wan at a poke from Jandalf.
"SCARAMOUSH! SCARAMOUSH! WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO!!" screamed Jandalf and Lindo.
Then all three: "THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING, VERY VERY FRIGHTNING…ME!!"
Lindo: "Galileo!"
Obi-Wan: "Galileo!"
Lindo: "Galileo!"
Obi-Wan: "Galileo!"
Lindo: "GALILEO, FIGARO!"
Jandalf: "MAGNIFICO-OH-OH-OH…"
Obi-Wan: "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me…"
Lindo and Jandalf: "HE'S JUST A POOR BOY, FROM A POOR FAMILY!! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY!"
Obi-Wan: "Easy come, easy go, will you let me go…"
Jandalf and Lindo: "VEZ-MIL-LA! NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!"
Obi-Wan: "LET HIM GOOOO!"
Jandalf and Lindo: "VEZ-MIL-LA! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!"
Obi-Wan: "LET HIM GOOOO!"
Jandalf and Lindo: "VEZ-MIL-LA! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!"
Obi-Wan: "LET ME GOOOO!"
Jandalf and Lindo: "WILL NOT LET YOU GO!!"
Obi-Wan: "LET ME GOOOO!"
Jandalf: "WILL NOT LET YOU GO!!"
Obi-Wan: "LET ME GOOOO!"
Lindo: "Never, never, NEVER LET ME GO…OH! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH…"
Jandalf: "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!"
Obi-Wan: "Oh, Mama-mia, Mama-mia…"
All three: "MAMA-MIA, LET ME GO!! BEELZEBUB HAS A DEVIL PUT ASIDE FOR ME…FOR ME…FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
The guardsmen and the rest of the company cheered at the high soprano that Lindo hit, and were having such a good time by now, they all took out their equipment and set up a band, and began to ROCK!!! Lindo, Chelsegorn and Jandalf began to headbang, and Obi-Wan, quite caught up in the song and forgetting himself, followed suit, then began to sing the next part as the music carried on. "So you think you can stop me and spit in my eyyyyeee…so you think you can love me and leave me to diiiiiee!! Ohhhhh, baby…can't do this to me, baby…just gotta get out…just gotta get right out of heeeeerrre…"
More headbanging followed suit at the next interlude, before Obi-Wan carried on, accompanied by Lindo and Jandalf. "Ooooo, ooooo, oooooooooo…oooh, yeah, ooh, yeah!"
Then Obi-Wan hit his last solo after a short guitar interlude. "Nothing really matters, anyone can see…nothing really matters…nothing really matters…to meeee…"
The piano struck the last few notes as all three sang softly, "Any way the wind blowwwwws…"
A cymbal clash, and then it was over.
"YAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!" screamed Isolder in the dead silence. "DO IT AGAIN!!!!"
Obi-Wan smacked him upside the head and sat down in satisfaction.
"Well," commented Jandalf hoarsely, sitting down next to him, "that wasn't so bad, now was it?"
He threw a dry look at her. "I am never singing that again. By the way, is my debt over now?"
Han checked the pages of this story. "Yeah…it ended when you guys started singing the 'Galileo' part."
Obi-Wan's face turned white. "You mean I didn't have to sing half the song?"
"But it was fuuuuuuuuuuun," Lindo half-whined, half-proclaimed.
"While you're at it," mentioned Chelsegorn, "you mind getting us a couple more bars of chocolate?"
Jandalf grinned. "Now let's sing something by U2! Unless of course, you're ready to give them chocolate."
Obi-Wan groaned. "I was right, after all. This is never going to end."
"You can do something about that, at least," suggested Han. "I read the Narrator's reviews on this spoof, and—"
"You WHAT??" everyone shouted, standing up.
Han cringed. "What? She let me. I found this one reviewer called Galadriel-in-disguise. Apparently, she wants Isolder to keep being a ferret, and I agree with her."
Obi-Wan paused at this. "Well…that actually doesn't sound too bad." He looked warningly at Han. "But you must NEVER read the Narrator's fanfiction reviews again."
Han sighed, and nodded, while Isolder sat there, looking stupidly confused, and then finally figured out what was going on.
"But why can't I be a towel this time?" he whined, and received substantial slaps from all the guards within reach.
Obi-Wan snickered. "What rhymes with ferret?"
"Merit."
"Carrot."
"Parrot."
"Kibbles!" said one of the guards, who got kicked rather nastily by Lindo.
"But those are the same ones as last time," Obi-Wan complained.
Jandalf rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll do the rhyme. Kibbles in a Parrot, Carrot with Merit, Turn this Stupid Elf Back Into a Ferret."
kavamm
Isolder was once again a ferret. "But…but…" he sputtered while Jandalf giggled nastily.
Obi-Wan found a corner and sulked because the rhyme had been stolen from him. Actually, it wasn't really stolen at all, since Jandalf was the one who had invented the rhymes in the first place. But that's beside the point.
"YOU STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN US CHOCOLATE!!! HURRY UP!!!" screamed Chelsegorn and Lindo at him.
He gave in under the threat of another smack on the head, and gave them some chocolate that mysteriously appeared in the air. "That's the last bit."
Suddenly the grand doors swung slowly open…and lo and behold, Depa Billaba was nowhere in sight. She had been quickly replaced by the Narrator's Padawan, none other than Éowyn Skywalker. But since the Narrator is far too lazy to keep remembering and punching in the alt code for the E, she will call her Padawan Tiana Elass instead.
Tiana was shocked. "Master?!?!?!?"
Jandalf was shocked. "Padawan?!?!?!?"
They hugged.
Obi-Wan looked on and thought, Déjà vu, or what?
Isolder rolled around in the dust, thinking that might get his ferrety fur clean.
Lindo and Chelsegorn were busy devouring the chocolate.
Watto was grappling with a loop of string, attempting to make the cat's cradle.
Han lifted an eyebrow. "You know each other?"
"Duh," Jandalf and Tiana responded simultaneously.
"C'mon in, everyone," Tiana said then. "I hope you'll forgive the poor reception, but we've, uh…we've been having some problems lately."
Jandalf lifted an eyebrow as they walked in. "Such as?"
Tiana gestured wordlessly to the throne.
Everyone in the company gasped. Upon that magnificent chair sat…a monkey.
The animal stared at them, and scratched an armpit.
"What on Middle-earth is going ON here?!" Han shouted; he'd expected to find a king of some sort, not a monkey.
Tiana's bottom lip quivered. "When the storyline of Lord of the Rings was incorporated into the Narrator's plan…well…she just ran out of Star Wars characters and couldn't find anyone to replace King Theoden. You know what a cruel sense of humor she has."
Jandalf sighed. "Well, then. A monkey obviously can't rule a nation."
"But a Ferret can!" Isolder piped up.
Jandalf leaned down and smacked him in the face. "REFRAIN FROM YOUR STUPIDITY FOR AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES!!!"
Isolder scurried off and sulked in a corner.
Satisfied, Jandalf turned to face her Padawan. "Looks like you'll have to take the reins of Rohan. Figuratively speaking, of course—"
Obi-Wan elbowed his way up. "Excuse me, but as the initial wizard of this story, it is my duty and mine alone to give counsel to the—"
"This is my Padawan, for PETE'S SAKE!" barked Jandalf.
"Yeah," said one of the guards, who just so happened to be named Pete.
Everyone rolled their eyes at this typical example of the Narrator's idiotic sense of humor.
Obi-Wan fumed. "She may be your Padawan, but this is my place in the story."
"It's up to the Narrator to ultimately decide that," Jandalf pointed out. "Maybe you should ask her."
Eh, what the heck. You guys can duel it out or whatever while I go get something to eat.
"What a negligent Narrator," muttered Obi-Wan. "Well. If she wants us to duel it out, then duel it out we shall."
Jandalf grinned impudently. "Oh, I don't know about that. I'm one inch taller than you; therefore, I can give better counsel as a wizard."
If the Readers had thought Obi-Wan was mad before…well…it wasn't long before both wizards were circling each other in the middle of the hall, lightsabers drawn and blazing.
The company watched while the blue and orange lightsabers swung, parried, jabbed, and whatever else Jedi do when they duel.
Han tugged at the Narrator's voluminous (orange) sleeve. "Uh…just a question. Aren't the colors blue and orange complimentary?"
That's right, Han. Exceedingly perceptive of you.
Han grinned. "So. When complimentary colors are put side by side, they bring out the color in their counterpart, making each look more vivid."
Go on.
"So. Are you planning to—"
We'll leave that to Paint Wars.
Han scowled. "But that means Audreidi won't be appearing in this spoof."
You have a problem with that? I thought you were infatuated with Leia.
Miffed, Han returned his attention to the duel.
It was difficult to say who was gaining the upper hand. While Obi-Wan kept slipping upon 152763 mysterious banana peels that appeared at random, the flowers in the 152763 vases that were scattered about the hall were getting to Jandalf's sinuses, and it was difficult for her to concentrate and actually land most of her blows while she was sneezing continually.
Of course, it didn't help that Isolder was trying to sell popcorn among the assembled watchers. And it didn't help that the Narrator was employing her infuriating number more frequently than usual.
Finally after 152763 grueling hours, Jandalf got Obi-Wan into a solid lock. We all know Obi-Wan doesn't handle locks very well. It was a lock in The Phantom Menace that allowed Maul to shove him over the edge, and it was a lock in Attack of the Clones that Dooku won, swung out of, and seared Obi-Wan's arm and leg. So, of course, the Narrator will keep the fact for the sake of consistency.
To his credit, Obi-Wan managed to hold it for almost a few seconds…then Jandalf pushed him onto one of the banana peels. He slipped and fell right on his back, winded.
"Hah," she said, moving her lightsaber over his throat while everyone in the hall gasped melodramatically.
Then he suddenly scissor-kicked her ankles, and she slipped and fell flat on her back, also winded.
Everyone in the hall was silent for about 0.003275 seconds, then burst out into applause.
Both wizards grimaced, trying to regain their breath.
"I was right," crowed Han to the Narrator. "They're in the same position, now. Nobody won."
Are you sure?
Han was confused by this remark on the Narrator's part, and in response bought a bucket of popcorn from Isolder, who was also pigging out on his own wares.
"Mommy," groaned Jandalf.
"Ow," agreed Obi-Wan. He made a valiant effort to sit up, and almost made it when he collapsed again.
Okay, guys, pull yourselves together. I've arranged for a photo shoot in two minutes.
"You…you cruel swine," gasped Jandalf. "How could you?"
Obi-Wan winced. "We've just been in a duel. A photo shoot? We've got to look terrible."
Well, then, clean yourselves up real speedy-quick. Next chapter, the Narrator shall detail the results of said photo shoot…mwahaha…
