"Everybody Hurts"

Rowan Arkenson

Summary: Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

Disclaimers: I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

More Disclaimers: One part of this was taken from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the title is in a song by a band called Will Haven. I won't say what part of the chapter is Buffy-stolen though, just don't sue me if it comes up, you see.

A/N: I have but a few important things to say. 1.) Yes this chapter is short but for good reason. It's not a staller, I have plenty more to say as day by day my writer's block is slowly vanishing. (ps, after writing the chapter it isn't actually that long, but it's still not a staller, SO THERE.) 2.) Yes this chapter is meant to be confusing. Enjoy working each bit out. I did. 3.) Read. And I apologise now if the first bit is painful. I haven't written it yet, but I should imagine it will be. 4.) YYYeah there's a quite horrible bit in here but I think it's ok. Made me cringe and hate myself for writing it and it made Emma cry, but you'll live through it I feel. 5.) I PROMISE THAT CHAPTERS WILL TRY AND LIGHTEN THEMSELVES UP A BIT. It's been a bit heavy recently, I know…and I apologise. But hey, you knew this was angst getting into it.

Please review, and don't hate me for what you read. I love you all. And I love Sirius. Bloody hell it sucks. WHAT AM I DOING TO THEM ALL?!?!?!?! :'( I really did almost start crying writing this chapter, and I think I did cry in the last one! Harsh, it's harsh…anyway, I'm going to stop trying to excuse myself for my actions right now and let you go ahead and REEAD. -rowanx

Chapter Eleven – Embrace The Discomfort of Being Alone

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Sirius looked down at his arm, feeling the hunger to scratch into it, to cause the pain that made every other pain feel so much better.

It was almost light. He stood up with his aching hands in his pockets, and gazed up at the sky, taking in every slow and deep breath he could of the first airs of Monday morning. He stared at the faraway hills in awe until the sun finally crept over them, creeping back behind clouds on the cold November morning.

It was now November the 19th. A Monday morning, the most beautiful of Sirius' life. But he didn't think on it. He didn't acknowledge anything more as he flew away from the forest-covered hill top he had been sitting on, where he'd thought about far too much for far too long.

Flying through the breeze, he gulped in more deep breaths, letting himself appreciate the peaceful, still setting around him. He flew down to the lake, taking his broom right under and up again quickly. Grinning and shaking with the fresh feel of freezing water drops clinging to his robes, he flew towards the sun, wondering if he could catch up to it that evening.

He flew down to the Hogwarts grounds. He shivered as he landed, and dropped his broomstick on the ground, leaving it there, uncaring. Why would it even matter. That was the last time he would ever fly. But he didn't think on it.

Lessons were as he expected them to be. Filled with the longing of the day to end, he spent most of them listening as much as he could, learning everything he could possibly learn, without having to move or speak to anyone. He itched his arm, scratching at it thoroughly, counting away sheep through his brain so that he wouldn't have to think about worse matters.

He could sense James staring at him in Potions, and indeed in most of their lessons; though he ignored it. James would only be staring at him to try and find creative inspiration into how he could yell him further. Sirius scorned at this, and turned his tears into angry contempt. James would no longer have to endure him. Nor would Lily any longer have to pretend to like him.

Sirius smiled. None of them would have to put up with the trouble he always seemed to cause anymore. And his parents would have a field day; no more silly contracts and paper work to fill out about publicly deciding they didn't like him.

Lucky them.

And Sirius would no longer have to hate himself. Have to hate James and not understand why, and hate Lily for confusing him and situations which could have been simple had Sirius been allowed to explain.

Now they would never know.

Let them live a life knowing they didn't care I left, Sirius thought bitterly. I'd want to hate me too, if I were them. I can hate me without even being them, so it couldn't be too hard.

Finally dinner came.

Sirius walked past the mob of children rushing to fatten themselves.

He walked past the blind blood-covered and eager Gryffindors making their way to compete in harsh, pointless training.

He walked past the teachers moaning about a job that enabled them to teach ungrateful little snobs how to kill people and show off that the rules of the world don't and won't always make sense.

Sirius thought all this sourly, knowing that he'd prefer to feel hate than any of the other emotions he had the choice to feel.

He walked into the common room. Empty and red, all reminding him of his secret pleasure; alone, with nothing but the blood, no one there to stop him…

Reaching into the fireplace with his wand, he set it alight and felt it tickle hot at his forearm. Scrunching up his face, he endured the pain, grinning through it all. His arm was shaking and he had to hold it in with the other hand to stop it from pulling out against his will. He felt nothing, and everything. He could hear the thoughts of everyone who had ever spoken to him, jolting along the blood of his burning arm. He could feel a life-time of mistakes come running back at him, as he screamed aloud at the fire catching to his flesh.

Finally he shuddered back, falling over. He gripped his arm and beared his teeth, shaking all over.

Damn, he was going to faint.

Sirius stood up, and fell back down. He clung onto the armchair and hauled himself up, feeling angry. He shouldn't have done that. Wait for later, when it will actually work…

Tears sprung to his eyes, and he ignored all sense to run to the hospital wing, or at least to find water. The flames had stopped, but his left forearm was a mass of black rust. Feeling an overpowering sense of pain, Sirius' eyes felt weak as he struggled to see up the stairs. He struggled over them, still holding on to his dead arm, the nails biting in but bearing no more hurt to what already had no hope left.

Sirius shoved the door closed behind him, and crawled into the space between his bed and Remus'. He felt sorry that he had to leave Remus and Peter, but he knew they were better off without him. He was just trouble, forcing them to choose between him and the James that would never be able to forgive his harsh and unnecessary betrayal. He felt misunderstood, but knew that even his reasons for dating Lily could not excuse him dating her.

Tears fell of a different nature. Sirius rolled up one trouser leg, seeing old scars on his thigh, and touched them compassionately. He thought of James as he drew out the knife from his pocket. He was doing this for James. Taking himself away so that James would have to feel no more anger. Surely he would understand that, and eventually be able to give him.

Sirius dug into his leg and cringed, looking away, this time not being able to bear what he was doing. He still had that definite resolve though, knowing no other way, no other conclusion to make his best friend, his brother, be able to live happily – peacefully. Free of anger, hate – free of him.

Moving quickly, wanting to make sure it would work before he blacked out from the screaming inside his chest and his mind, Sirius moved the knife to his already hurt arm. He dug in, fresh and sharp, again closing his eyes and picturing before him James, Remus, Peter, Lily, Priscilla, November, the Gryffindor team, his parents, his son of a bitch brother, his disgusting house, Headmaster Dippet, his teachers, Hogwarts, the grounds, the sunsets, the breakfasts, the owls, the trees, the buildings, the streets, the love, the hate, the magic, that he would never ever see or feel ever again.

Sirius slumped to the ground, whispering a name amongst his blood-thirsty lips: "James…"

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"Talk to me about angels, James. Tell me about angels. Tell me how they fly above us."

"Um, I... I don't know..."

"Teach me how to live, James. I want to live like the angels. I want to be free."

"How do you know? Maybe this is heaven, right here."

"Tell me God loves me..."

"God loves you Sirius. And so do I." James kisses Sirius on the forehead before his friend slips into unconsciousness.

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"What did Priscilla say?"

"Well I couldn't hear everything through the door, but it was fairly obvious she was talking about him, and I definitely heard his muffled name a few times. And then there was silence for a while…

"I can't stand it, I can't stand not having him – I'm not even sure I want him, I just… I need him. …to tell me what's going on. I just feel so confused, and it hurts so much."

Silence.

"I know it's horrible now, but it'll get better."

"What did Lily say?"

"No, I think horrible still has to come. Right now it's worse. Right now I'm just trying hard not to die…" Tears pour down from breaking eyes. "I can't breathe, Priscilla. It feels like I can't breathe…"

"Ouch."

"I wonder if that's what it's like for James…"

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"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to break like that…I just don't know what I want anymore. Well, maybe I do. I thought I did, but then… maybe I just don't know who I want anymore. But I never meant it to be like this. I…love you… oh, wake up, please wake up!!"

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Embrace the discomfort of being alone.

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Around him stands tall, overpowering black. He slipped into it, crashing and falling. And a hand reaches out, trying to stop him, but he can't stop now. Falling forever, you'll fall forever and you'll never stop. Breathing in is to wish for air, the air that slipped away. Falling, just like you, crashing and falling…never to stop. They can't bring him back. Gone forever, don't cling on. You can't. no one wants you to. The hand, it is a secret. A secret they'll keep back. You don't want to go back there. Crashing and falling, you'll fall forever.

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"They can't go on like this, that's for sure."

"I know, but neither's likely to give in are they?"

"And for good reason…"

"Well yeah ok so maybe both are to blame – but what are we going to do if they don't make up again?"

"I don't know."

"…No, really. What will we do?"

"I wish I knew, but this time I feel lost of thoughts…"

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I'm sorry too. I love you. I always did love you. And I never meant it either. It was stupid. A stupid fight over stupid trivial things. I love you… I can't do anything without you. You're practically me. I know it doesn't make sense but nothing seems to be making sense in here. Look, you can't go. You can't. I never said you could. I never said goodbye, I never said sorry, I never had a chance to tell you it didn't matter, that I forgave you, that there was nothing to forgive. Do you understand? So, you can't leave me, you see. I won't let you. You die, I die with you.

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Crashing and falling, forever and ever…you can't come back. They don't want you to. Neither did you last time I took note…

FUCK. YOU. Things change. Maybe it will change. I'm going back. Stop. Never to fall. Stop. I won't go there. I won't. I'm going back. I want to go back. I don't want to leave them. Wake up. Wake up Sirius.

WAKE UP.

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That's it now, embrace the discomfort of being alone… And may you kill it and send it to hell.

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