"Everybody Hurts"

Rowan Arkenson

Summary: Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

Disclaimers: I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

A/N: Hey there, sweet things. Sorry for confusion in last chapter, but it really was meant to be that way to be honest. When you're unconscious or dying or sleeping and you're hearing or dreaming or thinking about things – it's not gonna make any sense to you is it!! Just think of those flying purple bananas that are eating your best friend's head that you see in your sleep…eh? Hope you like the chapter. Ooh how I love angst. But hopefully this one has lightened up a bit. Sorry in advance if the next chapter takes ages to get out. Technically I'm supposed to be spending all my time at the moment revising for exams and working on coursework. Writing this now is cutting into my sleep time see? lol. :P But yeh I will try and get it out within…two weeks, I reckon. Love you all, review please. -rowanx

Chapter Twelve – A Moment or Two

"Sirius?" James said, yelling rather loudly, for the hundredth time.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Prongs I already told you – HE'S ASLEEP. Leave him alone." James pouted and went to sit back down. "Aren't you supposed to be sleeping as well anyway?"

James rolled his eyes. "I'm fine. I was only unconscious for a few hours or something. Pomfrey overreacts.

"Potter!" Pomfrey's voice rang out across the hospital wing. "Get – your – self – back – into – bed!"

"But I'm not…"

"Professor Dumbledore's orders!" Pomfrey walked in bossily, and physically shooed James to a bed near Sirius'. She glared at him until he was under the covers and then walked back out again, stopping momentarily to glance back evilly. As soon as her office door was closed, James threw the covers off and sat with his legs crossed on the bed, staring at Sirius.

Peter saw this and said, trying to sound very wise, "Prongs, a watched iron never boils."

James and Remus stared at Peter. James said, after a while, "…Ya what?"

"Don't you mean 'kettle'?" said Remus.

Peter thought about this for a moment, then pouted.

"But he's right. Sort of," Remus said, confusing himself. "Sirius won't boil if you keep watching him. …Or something."

James sighed. "It's not fair though. I haven't seen him awake yet. You two have. I just want to know he's ok."

Peter and Remus exchanged looks of glee. "Good to know," Remus said, leaning back comfortably.

"What do you mean?" James asked with a frown.

"Well, and don't take this the wrong way, but we were a bit worried that you might not…that you might not care," Remus said slowly.

James raised an eyebrow. "You mean because of the argument?"

"And because of the punch up, and that whole Lily-betrayal thing…" Peter added.

Remus kicked him.

James looked away. "Just because I was mad at him, that doesn't mean…" He stopped, knowing he didn't need to say anymore. Remus nodded and continued to play with his fingers. "So, what happened when I was unconscious anyway?" James said, changing the conversation quickly.

"Well, I heard you yelling from upstairs," said Peter. "So, I came up and you were slumped against Sirius on the floor and you were both…" he hesitated.

"Ha," Remus laughed somewhat over-happily, "he thought you'd killed each other."

"Well what was I supposed to think…" Peter mumble, embarrassed.

Remus grinned. "He came to get me, and I knew that neither of you were dead, so used my wand to get you to the hospital wing."

"Was I really unconscious for a day?" James said, incredulously. Remus nodded. "And – and were you guys here for the whole time?"

Remus looked down for a moment, and brushed something off his robes. After a short pause he said, "Peter was. I went to do something at one point, but yeah pretty much." He looked back up again. "Why do you ask?"

James shrugged. "I had a lot of weird – dreams." Peter looked at him questioningly. "Well, I'm not sure if they were dreams or not. I think a lot of them might have been…um, me overhearing things…"

Remus sat up. "Like what?" he asked, sounding calm, but looking slightly worried.

"Well, I'm not sure exactly," James said with a frown. "I only remember bits. I'm sure I was talking to Sirius about angels…and then, it was scary, I had a dream where he was – dying. But, he also came back in that one – that's when I woke up. I knew he wasn't dead." Remus nodded and James realised he'd been babbling. "Oh, and, I heard - lily's voice. Saying sorry and….things."

"You did?" said Remus quickly.

"Yeah…I must have been overhearing her speaking to Sirius though while she was unconscious," said James, making it try not to sound too much like a question.

Peter nodded slowly. "Yeah…yeah, she did come for a while." He looked at Remus.

"What else did you hear?" Remus asked.

James shrugged. "I can't really remember…oh, yeah there was one bit where I heard you two talking, about – I don't know, two girls I think it was…do you know what I'm on about?" he asked sincerely.

Remus shrugged and Peter nodded simultaneously. James frowned. "Oi, no lies," he said with a grin. "Be nice to me, I'm an invalid!"

Remus smiled. "Yeah, we were talking about Priscilla…I overheard her talking about something…I – I don't know what though."

James nodded. "Ok. Cool." Inside his heart was beating quickly. Did that mean that Lily hadn't been talking to Priscilla about him then? He recognized their voices easily, as soon as he woke up and tried remembering it all. He knew Lily had been crying…but he couldn't figure out if it was over him…or Sirius. But it was Sirius, had to be. She'd been there earlier, crying to Sirius about how much she loved him. Unless… No. James shook his head. Of course not. That was ridiculous.

He thought about the dream he'd had talking to Sirius, and wondered if that had really happened or not. Then it came to him. The summer before 4th year – James had spent it at Sirius'. It was the defining moment for James; from knowing Sirius' parents only as people who were hardly ever at home and not to be worried about, to detesting them with every single bit of hatred he had inside him. One summer evening he went down for dinner to see Sirius lying in a corner, blood on his head, looking pale and shocked. James had thought he was going to die from his father's beating. Sirius had gone slightly delusional, and had started asking James what Heaven was like. It was really disturbing for the thirteen year old. Then Sirius blacked out and James took him by floo powder to St. Mungo's, where he shakily told them it was just some magic from an older brother gone wrong.

Every other summer after that was spent at James' or one of the other Marauders'. James barely left Sirius' side again, feeling protective over the only brother he ever felt he'd had.

James leaned forward, curling into himself with his legs up on the bed. His eyes didn't pull away from Sirius for one second. Later, he realised he hadn't noticed Remus and Peter leaving; at the time he was just too dissolved in his own thoughts. He remembered now himself talking to a dying Sirius, almost yelling at him not to die. Did he say that before he blacked out? He couldn't remember. He yawned, feeling sleep try to take over him, and looked at his watch: 7:08pm. He'd spent all of yesterday unconscious, apparently, and all of this day dedicated to not moving from Sirius' side. He'd ignored Dumbledore and Dippet's word that they would fetch him as soon as Sirius woke again. They said he'd woken momentarily the day before, and had mumbled a few things before falling back into sleep again. And James had missed it.

He moved down from the bed, gazing at Sirius' bandaged arm and kneeling next to his bed. He touched the bandage gingerly, stroking up and down it, mesmorised. Looking up to check Pomfrey was still in his office, he unclipped the bandage and began to undo it. Remus had said that Pomfrey couldn't start to heal the arm until the leg was healed. Apparently she could only do one at a time or the magicks would mix...or something, thought James. He shuddered as the unraveling bandage revealed a black mass. James winced. There were long and harsh scars scattered across Sirius' blackened arm, looking messy, and this time not spelling out anything. He touched one of the scars gently, and glanced at Sirius. His friend didn't move. James traced his finger along of the scars, and, feeling lost in Sirius' hate and depression, moved forward almost in a trance. He leaned down and kissed Sirius on his arm, where the deepest scar lay. A tear leaked out of his eye, and he brushed it away, hating himself. It was all his fault, he knew that, but he wouldn't give in to the tears. It wasn't for him to cry; that should be Sirius' privilege. But he knew his friend wouldn't cry – would probably do nothing except make stupid jokes and try to pretend he'd never tried to commit suicide.

James's eyes flittered and he yawned again. But he wasn't going to leave. He'd never leave Sirius ever again. Leaning down, he lay his arms and head down on the side of Sirius' bed, and fell into sleep.

---

"SHITTING ARSE MONkeys…!…" James awoke, startled, and looked around him. Sirius was sitting up in bed, looking rather amused and pleased with himself.

"Heh. Monkeys, James? I thought you had more taste than that," he said, retreating a suspicious-looking arm that James knew he'd just pushed him with. He grinned and tried to stand, but his legs gave way. "Yeah well what do you expect from sleeping kneeled down all night." Sirius grinned.

Pulling over a chair and sitting heavily into it, James looked at hi watch and said, "You been watching me sleep again?"

"You know it babe," Sirius said, laughing, sounding weak.

James nodded, vanishing his grin and refusing to meet Sirius' eyes. He stared at his knees for a moment, feeling Sirius' patient eyes burning into his head. When he looked up his mouth open but no words came out. He couldn't apologise. Apologies seemed almost trivial to him at that point; they weren't even needed. Instead he stared seriously and slightly accusingly at his friend, and the words that escaped his mouth were slightly harsher than intended: "How's your arm?" he asked, his words shaking.

Sirius' expression didn't change. He didn't say anything, but he didn't look away from James either. They stayed like that for an eternity to James' eyes. He stared at his friend, and didn't want to ever look away. Afterwards he realised that that had been his longest time ever without thinking of Lily. He couldn't think about her right now.

Eventually James leaned forward and pulled Sirius into a hug. They held on to each other tightly for a moment and then drew back, Sirius with a small grin. "Hey, did we just have a moment there?"

James didn't return the smile. "I don't know. How's Lily?" he asked, spitefully. As soon as he said the words, he regretted it. Sirius' face broke, and he looked down. It broke James' heart. But before he could audibly take his words back, Sirius spoke.

"I'm sorry, it was stupid of me to think you could just forgive me. Well, I didn't know I'd be here to be forgiven, so I guess it doesn't even matter."

"No," said James forcefully, shocking himself more than Sirius. His friend looked up questioningly. "It does matter. And it's stupid. And – can't we just forget it all?"

"Prongs, I don't want you to forgive me out of pity. I tried to kill myself," Sirius said quietly, making James wince.

"Don't, you don't have to – "

"Yes I do." He paused for a moment, then went on. "James, last night I would have been glad for just a fucking Advra Kedavra. But I couldn't have done it myself." James looked away. "But you have to understand: right now, I'm glad it didn't work."

James looked up. "I don't get it." He stood up, feeling a small anger grow inside of him. "You wanted to be dead and now you don't…aren't they quite shaky grounds on which to kill yourself?"

"Well it wouldn't have mattered would it," Sirius said. "I'd be dead. I wouldn't care if it had been a mistake…"

"Well what about me?!" James yelled angrily. "We have one argument, and…" he stopped. "One girl to dump you, that's all it takes?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It had nothing to do with Lily. Look, you don't understand…"

"Yes I do. So what, every time I'm mad at you you're just gonna bugger off like this?"

Sirius clicked his tongue, stalling. "It wasn't just one time, dude. You being mad at me back there was several times, in just a few days."

James came back and sat down. "So? You're still…it wasn't like…fucking hell Sirius." He ran his hands through his hair awkwardly and laughed again. "I don't fucking care what happened," he said, finding he really didn't. "I don't care about Lily. Just – don't do that to me again alright?" he said, smiling shakily.

Sirius grinned. "I think that'll work. And you do care about Lily – but thanks anyway."

James smiled.

"So anyway… How are those monkeys doing?"

"Yeah, they're good, it's nice of you to ask."

"Little one still being…monkey-ish?"

"Yeah, aww, cute little tyke. He rolled over today! That one's making real progress."

"Especially for a monkey."

"And at that young age…"

Lily paused at the doorway. Sirius and James saw her appear and looked at her blinkingly for a moment. "…Are you two talking about monkeys?" she asked after a moment or two, one eyebrow raised.

James grinned. "They're doing so well."

"And they grow up so fast," Sirius added, wiping away a tear.

Lily didn't get it. "…You two have monkeys?"

James laughed. "Lily, sit down will you?"

"But I don't… Sirius, are you alright?" she said, rapidly changing the subject and putting on her motherly expression.

James saw the strain it took in Sirius' face to smile and say, "Yes, thank you. Are you?"

Lily frowned and came forward. "I'm being serious. What did Pomfrey say about…"

"Lily, I don't think you're quite getting it here," James said with a large smile. "Sirius is fine. Stop with the mothering!"

Sirius laughed. "I know, what is she like eh?"

"I bet she was even worse when you two were going out. Very over-protective."

The two boys grinned but Lily just looked appalled. "Look you two can pretend all you want but it's not just – "

"Lily. Shut up." This came from James, a set expression on his face. Then he smiled. "Come, join us. Sit, relax. We were actually thinking of taking a trip out to see the little darlings this weekend at monkey land. You can come if you want."

Lily stared at James for a moment, and then at Sirius, and then back to James. Finally she sighed and shook her head, but with the sigh she seemed to release all anxiety and, giving in, laughed and came over to sit on a chair. "You two are absolutely mad," she said, smiling, and Sirius and James grinned happily together, almost like brothers.

---

The next few days were agony for James, but he guessed they were even more so for Sirius. Dippet came often to the hospital wing to see Sirius, to see how he was doing. But the two boys (James never leaving Sirius' side, not even for lessons or food) kept up the false sincerity and humour that Sirius was fine and they wondered why everyone was acting so strange around him. Dippet went along with it though, smiling and nodding and agreeing. James hated what they were doing but knew if he treated Sirius and everything that had happened differently, his friend would fall apart.

On the fourth night James had spent in the hospital wing though, refusing to leave for his dormitory and his teachers helpless to protest, Dippet came in to speak to Sirius. James, truth be told, hadn't slept since that night when Sirius had woken him up. He usually waited until Sirius fell asleep and then got out of bed and stayed awake all night. Easy enough; James probably couldn't have slept anyway. The first night he had fallen asleep by Sirius' side, he'd had disturbing dreams; countless times he had watched Sirius kill himself in horrible and terrifying ways behind his eyelids. James couldn't sleep without knowing he wasn't going to…without knowing that nothing was going to happen to him.

James was lying in his bed, staring at the wall opposite Sirius. He listened intently to Sirius' breathing. The light was on and his neighbour was sitting up in bed, apparently reading a book. Which was strange. But then Sirius had changed a lot. Or maybe James had changed a lot… Anyway, the point was, Sirius was reading. James had every intention of reading the title and cover of that book as soon as he heard his friend asleep. It must be a good book if Sirius was reading it out of his own free will. The teachers hadn't set him homework – everyone knew, and everyone seemed to be ignoring Sirius completely, tip toeing around him and the subject. For a moment James felt jealous, and ashamed, thinking of his piles of parchment lying in his dormitory, waiting to be filled out for several lessons that he'd already missed work and notes from.

But he'd do anything for Sirius.

He could catch up on work later.

The hospital wing door opened and Dippet's low voice called out, "Mr. Black?"

James heard Sirius' reply: "Yes, sir?"

Dippet walked in, and James closed his eyes, trying to breathe a bit heavier, to make it appear as though he were asleep. "I was wondering if I could have a short word with you…perhaps while Mr. Potter was asleep."

James furrowed his eyebrows. What did Dippet have against him?

"Why?" said Sirius with a small hint of accusation and annoyance, and James grinned at his friend's loyalty to him.

"Sirius, you must know that present events have to be looked at seriously and taken into proper account." James could almost feel Sirius' tense stillness. "I have phoned your parents – "

"What?! No, you wouldn't have – "

"Sirius I know full well of the, shall we say, distance, you have acquired between yourself and your parents over the years, and I know you now live more with Mr. Potter than you do them, but none the less they are your parents, and I felt they had the right to know…"

James sensed Sirius' outrage as the bed sheets ruffled. "They disowned me," Sirius yelled, a little too loud, and James hoped that Dippet didn't think it should have woken him up. "They don't have anything to do with me anymore; they don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. And I don't care! I can't believe…" James pictured Sirius slumping back against the bed and imagined, his heart quickening, Sirius fainting from disbelief and anger. But moments later Sirius' breathing was heard and someone was lightly pacing around the room.

"I know you must feel upset Sirius – believe me I understand. I understand a lot more than you realise."

"No," Sirius said bitterly. "You can't understand how long it took to convince myself I don't care that my own parents can't stand the sight of me. It took me so long to realise what they were. They're selfish bastards and I hate them. Do you know how much it sucks hating your parents and having them hate you? They don't care what I do – so why should I care they know…what I did? I don't care. I don't care that they're going to think I'm weak now. Giving in at the first sign of pressure…it wasn't like that! I can't believe they would think that. I hope they don't think I did it because of them? I wouldn't take a million galleons for them, I would give a million galleons to all the poor people in the world if it meant I never had to see their disgusting, self-righteous, arrogant, stuck-up faces ever again." James realised at this point that Sirius was choking on his words; biting back tears.

Dippet paused a moment and said, "I am sorry Sirius. I had to tell them. You know I did. Whatever the relationship between you both they are the ones that need to know these things."

Sirius' breathing was heavy and quick, and after a while he mumbled, "What did they say when you told them?"

The air was tense. "You know how they reacted, Sirius," Dippet replied quietly.

James could feel the tears falling gently down his friend's face, and fought back the urge to massacre Dippet and the Blacks right then.

"I am sorry Sirius." Dippet's voice became louder as he walked towards Sirius, his feet padding softly on the ground. James assumed the headmaster was taking Sirius' arm in consolidation, and wondered how much the headmaster thought that would excuse his parents' reaction. "There are more things to discuss, but I am sure it can wait until tomorrow. I thought you ought to know though. They may want to turn up and speak with you."

Sirius was silent. No one in the room thought that Sirius' parents would come to see if their favourite son was ok or not.

Dippet walked slowly from the room and as soon as James heard the door creak shut he flung his covers off and walked over to Sirius.

"…Sirius?"

Coming up close, James could see the tear-strained pale cheeks on Sirius' face clearly, and resisted the urge to wipe them clean. Instead he moved forward and hugged Sirius, tightly, not saying a word.

"Thanks, Prongs," Sirius murmured against his shoulder, sounding weak and helpless, like a lost child.

James helped Sirius back into bed and pulled the covers over him. He stroked Sirius' cheek gently, and walked back over to his bed, sitting on it, and wrapping his own covers around himself for warmth. His eyes never left Sirius.