"Everybody Hurts"
Rowan Arkenson
Summary: Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...
Disclaimers: I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.
A/N: Woo thanks to all new reviewers for reading this. And Emrisah, I love you. You always come back to me :D cheers to other faithful reviewers as well, I love you all. Two chapters to go? Three chapters to go? Depends how bored I get. Let's do a poll!! Guess how many chapters to go after this one. GUESS. 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 1,569.2? Any number. It'll be fun. You know you want to. All guesses include the chapter that's actually a prologue. The poems in this are by ME. They're all MINE. I wrote them. (Go see my fictionpress account, under the same name.) So there. This chapter is officially dedicated to little pink sock for being a new reviewer and giving me a lovely long review, and hence for inspiring me to write a long chapter :P and for giving me an idea to include a little pink sock. Hehehe. xx (Gah. Manhood is such a lame word for men's…place. However. Yeah. I apologise for its use.) I wrote this chapter in a WHOLE DAY. As in like, ONE day. Be nice to me :D I am especially proud of myself, hehe. Review!! :D -rowanx
Chapter Fifteen – Her Little Pink Sock
It was Christmas, finally. After all the hush everyone seemed to remember the time of present-giving and rushed around madly, buying presents, causing as much trouble as possible in the corridors (as a present to Filch of course. He loved having people to punish) and spraying annoying fake snow everywhere.
James wasn't going home. He told his parents he was spending Christmas with Lily, which, in a sense, was true. He was staying at Hogwarts because she was – and everyone else was going home. He didn't understand it, but he knew that he had to talk to her or he'd go insane. James hadn't spoken a word to Lily for weeks now, and he couldn't breathe.
"You can still change your mind, Prongs," Remus was saying. James rolled his eyes but grinned all the same. "Come and stay at my house." Remus was too protective over him. It was almost cute.
"Yeah Prongs it'll be fun," Sirius said, grinning slightly too widely.
James raised an eyebrow. "Yeah…well, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not play the "let's see who Sirius can take the most clothes off of while they're sleeping" game."
"Aww, and here I was thinking you enjoyed that," pouted Sirius.
Peter looked scared. "Moony, can I sleep in your parent's bedroom??"
"Eww, no why?!" answered Remus, scrunching up his face.
Sirius laughed.
So apart from the group, James patted them all on the back in turn, ready to turn away from them for the coming weeks. But Sirius pulled him back and embraced him. The discomfort of being alone ever apparent even in their supposed closeness. Sirius pulled away and smiled. A genuine, brotherly smile, but one not empty of sadness and regret. James returned the smile, and watched as his friends left the castle; watched, until the last doors were shut, and then lay back down on his bed, and breathed.
James went to the Great Hall for breakfast. As he entered he looked around him to see who else was staying for Christmas. It wasn't many this year. Snape and most of the other Slytherins were vacant from the Slytherin table, which was a pleasant surprise. He looked to the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables – about ten in total were gathered at random ages. And at the Gryffindor table…Lily. His Lily. And…November. That was all from seventh year. And from sixth year for that matter. The other five or so were of names and ages he didn't care to try and remember.
Ah November. He hadn't spoken to her since, since she kissed him. Suddenly guilt rose up into his chest. She was his friend. And he hadn't even realised he hadn't spoken to her since…since he kissed her back.
Now not even thinking of how he'd wanted to talk to Lily alone, he approached them at the Gryffindor table with November on his mind. Breathing in one last time, he sat down opposite them both and smiled.
James did actually wonder if he had a huge mole growing on his forehead at that point. Both Lily and November took to staring at him, still frozen in their previous conversation, and then November looked away as Lily moved again and smiled back, something that was obviously hard for her to do. "Hey James."
"Morning Lily," James said, managing not to die from just hearing her name on his lips again. "Morning November," he added, pointedly looking to her. She said nothing, and his heart broke.
Lily glanced at her and bit her lip, flicking her hair over her left shoulder, making James melt. "So, I guess you didn't go home with the guys then?"
James shook his head, offering no explanation. He was looking at November. Her straight black hair was lying partially in front of her face, so he couldn't clearly make out her expression. But he did get the hint that she didn't want to talk to him. Well. Not that she had a choice.
"November?" he said, ignoring Lily's attempt at conversation. No response came from November other than a grab of her spoon to dip into porridge. "November, look, we really need to talk." At this November looked up. She glanced at Lily but stopped, almost wincing. James knew her train of thought. Love triangles were always the most fun part of life. "November, I'm sorry," James said softly, practically forgetting there was anyone else around but them. "I know things have been…crappy, between us, but…"
"Don't even worry about it Potter," Em replied softly. "We were never good friends anyway."
She started to rise from the table, but Lily, surprising James with both the move and her presence, grabbed her friend's arm and yanked her down again. She gave her a stern look and nodded her head towards James. "Be nice. In case you haven't noticed, he is trying to apologise for being a jerk." Lily smiled at James and he was helpless not to grin back.
"Please 'Em. Come on, please. Forgive me, I was an arsehole that day…I was." He looked to Lily quickly before averting his eyes back to November. He hoped she saw that he was trying to apologise to her as well. "And I've been a jerk not talking to you for so long and not apologising sooner."
November looked at him. Her eyes were darting over his face, probably seeking truth, maybe just to look at him as she hadn't for a while. James wondered if she still had feelings for him, but then decided he'd rather not know. Eventually November's mouth split into a smile. "Ok then."
James grinned. "So are we friends again?"
"Sure." November nodded and smiled. Lily sighed overly-loudly.
"Finally," she said with a light air about her. She stood up. "Now that we can all be friends, LET'S GO SHOPPING!"
November grinned and James protested lightly at the idea, but he grinned and stood up as well anyway, and as they all left the great hall, he gulped down confusions about whether Lily meant the friends thing to be about him and her as well…
Hogsmeade was covered in icy snow. James grinned. It hadn't snowed up at the castle yet, but he supposed it would be layered in the thick wintery beauty when they returned later. The beautiful little town was even prettier, if that was possible, due to the almost fairytale-like buildings covered in the pure white as yet unspoiled and undirtied snow. James, with November to his right and Lily somewhere to 'Em's right, walked through Hogsmeade, enjoying the views of the winter wonderland whilst listening to the girls talk about glistening robes they'd just seen in a shop and would it suit November but then maybe the green wouldn't go with her hair and look at that midnight purple one that would be perfect for her and then a drag on James' arm as he was steered into the shop.
It was obviously a shop for girls. James couldn't think of a single boy he knew who would wear pink robes. But even as a boy he could appreciate the beauty of some of the robes and dresses hanging around him. He watched as November and Lily fingered the material of some robes and caught Lily's eye as November threw a dress to her. She smiled shyly at him, as if afraid to do so, as if afraid to give anything away… James smiled back and leaned against the wall as she and November drew themselves away into changing rooms.
James waited, rolling his eyes occasionally at how long they were taking, tried to hide from an ex-girlfriend in Ravenclaw who laughed to her friends and joked about his sexuality and the size of his…friend. James didn't mind though. He had treated her terribly. And she'd never even seen his – manhood.
Eventually, November came out. Lily had been right, the dark purple dress looked amazing on her. James let his eyes widen and stroll down her body. "You look really nice," he said, carefully. Complimenting girls was hard. They got so difficult about it.
"Thanks James," November said as she clipped some black robes around her. James sighed in relief.
"Lily, come out and tell me what you think," called November into the booth Lily was in.
"Just coming," Lily called back.
As soon as she got out of the changing rooms, James' mouth actually dropped open.
It may have been a most uncomfortable moment in which he couldn't find the perfect words to describe how beautiful she looked without her reading too much into it, if November hadn't at that precise moment said, "Lily…you look hot. Man, if only I were a lesbian."
Lily burst out laughing with November and it was all James could do not to grin at them, making them laugh even harder.
Walking out of the shop forty minutes later (James practically ran), November had a new dress and new robes. "It just sucks you couldn't buy that dress, Lils."
Lily shrugged, but still looked beat up about it. James grinned. Girls were so cute about clothes. He looked down at his own worn dark blue jeans and black t-shirt. He didn't really get it. He doubted anything he wore could make him look tall dark and handsome. You had to be handsome to look, well, to look tall, dark and handsome.
"James looks deep in thought," pointed out November. "Let's poke him."
"No." James pulled away and grinned. "There shall be no poking."
"What were you thinking about?" Lily asked.
James shook his head. I was just thinking about how I'd never even have a chance with anyone as beautiful as you… "Nothing." A pause. "Listen, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet – "
"James!!" November hit him. "I did all my shopping a month ago."
"…Ow maybe?" James said indignantly.
Lily laughed. "Come on, we'll help you. Who do you need to buy for?"
"Well, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Priscilla, my parents…" he stopped. "Actually, I better go off and shop on my own." He groaned. "I hate buying girls things…" he mumbled.
November laughed. "Don't worry, we don't expect much."
"Why don't you go off now and we'll meet you at The Three Broomsticks at…1pm?"
James nodded, waved, and headed off. November was hard…Lily, however, he knew exactly what to buy for.
Things seemed to be ok between James and Lily. He hadn't much seen her on her own yet, but as a three, him, Lily and November got on really well, with no mention of love or kisses or misunderstandings. Which was quite perfect; in the spirit of Christmas, everything was peaceful and quite perfect.
Christmas Eve and they were playing chess in the common room. Not that they ever played anything else. November had suggested spin the bottle with a small giggle, but as an uncomfortable silence had followed, it was decided chess was definitely the safer option. James was watching November and Lily play, whispering hints into Lily's ear every now and then, and receiving painful pokes from November in retaliation. He grinned. So this was what it felt like not to care. Not to be reminded every few seconds of how painful everything was, around Sirius, when he wasn't around Lily. Things didn't have to be so painful…
James looked down. Now he felt shit. He'd just thought that life was better without Sirius. How was that even possible? How…
He looked out the window absently. Lollypops and sunshine, he thought. Lollypops and sunshine…
"Are you ok James?"
It was Lily. James looked at her and smiled gently, but said nothing. The easiest answer. He didn't have to lie and she didn't have to push. November didn't notice anything. She was concentrating on not losing her king. Eventually she stood up. "Ok I'm bored now."
Lily laughed. "Only because I was winning."
"Only thanks to me," James pointed out.
Lily laughed. "Fine," she said, standing. "What now, 'Em?"
"I'm hungry. It must be dinner time soon. Want to go for a walk outside first?"
"Sure. James?"
James shook his head. "Nah, I think I'm gonna go up to my dorm for a bit."
Lily nodded slowly and then shrugged lightly. "Ok. But," she added when November had walked a little way away, "if anything is up, you can talk to me, ok?"
James nodded thankfully, a true smile on his face. He watched Lily as he walked away. Felt the depression fade in as he had to watch her walk away again. Nearly sprang after her, as he could never bear the pain of being apart from Lily. He sighed, and stayed where he was, sinking back into the chair he'd risen out of. He was so weak.
After about twenty minutes of fun staring into space, James dragged his gloomy, depressed self up and up the stairs to his dorm. He sank into his bed and drew the covers up and over his head.
Who ever heard of an insecure man?
Who ever heard of a man in despair
Over an insecure beauty?
James woke up suddenly. He looked around him. He woke up suddenly like you do when you've just had a nightmare. But all he could remember were words, whispered to him...
James leaned back, rubbing his hands over his face, forgetting it. He looked at his watch. 8:04pm. He'd missed dinner. Not caring too much, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and wondered how he had managed to sleep for three hours. He tried to blame stress, and then laughed at himself. Teenage angst wasn't stress. It was….angst. He was just in love. Just in love. Just in love.
He tried to tell himself that he was just in love, but, if anything, it made him feel even worse.
Just in love wasn't an obsession you had that made you fall out with your best friend time and time again.
Just in love wasn't carrying around pain with you every second of the day that you couldn't be with her, but was forced to think about her.
Lily wasn't his just in love.
She was love.
James rubbed his face again. I think too much, he thought, and then laughed to himself, quietly. He got up, smoothed out his top and ran his hands through his hair. What now?
Well, obviously, it was probably the perfect time to talk to Lily.
Not that he could even remember why he had wanted to talk to her in the first place. It seemed a stupid idea now. He had just wanted to apologise for not talking to her for ages, for them not seeming to be friends anymore. But the last few days had fixed all that…hadn't it?
But still James felt he owed it to his past self to go see her at least. With hope that November wasn't there. And with hope that he'd suddenly and magically find the right things to say.
James walked the length of his dorm, fighting the urge to kick Sirius' bed several times, as his usual remedy, and went down into the common room. Only a couple of small kids were around, laughing by the fireplace. Probably giddy about Christmas. James turned around to walk up to the girl's dormitory. He stopped. He couldn't walk up there. But Lily's Head Girl room was just to the left of him. He wondered if it was slightly more wrong of him to just walk into her own room than a room she shared with two others, but he had to find her, so he, for the first time ever, knocked on the Head Girl room, and slid inside.
No one was in there, naturally. But while he was there… James looked around. The walls were covered in posters of muggle rock bands and photos of her friends. James grinned when he saw a recent one of him and her, taken a few days ago by the lake. While Lily looked off the screen James grinned in her direction suggestively. Real James shook his head but smiled. It was quite a small room, but fine for just one person. A bed in the middle, a four-poster, just like the ones in the dorms, with purple bedsheets. There was a small table next to it, a chest on the floor at the foot of her bed, and a wardrobe shoved into her corner. James looked around, wistfully, when he spotted something on Lily's bed.
It was a sock. A little pink sock. James sat down on the bed and picked it up. He smiled. A little pink sock, odd, randomly sat on Lily's bed. It was small, and James imagined Lily's feet must be around size 4. He grinned. She had cute little feet. He remembered the foot war, and laughed outwardly. It was a few months ago. His Marauders against Priscilla, November and Lily. James hadn't joined in, for fear of Lily stalking off, but he had watched in amusement as each team tried to tickle the other team to death by their feet. Lily's feet were so small and barely ticklish, she had won her team the match.
James laughed again, happy he could remember stupid things like that about her. Even at a sad time, when they hadn't been talking, he was glad he could remember things like that.
Feeling a bit of a pervert and a stalker, James leaned down to the sock and sniffed it. He'd been wondering if it smelled like she did today – like peaches.
It did.
James grinned.
He decided he'd better leave before Lily came bursting in with questions about why he was sniffing his underwear. He walked over to her bedside table, where he could see another pink sock sticking out of the drawer. Not wanted to invade her privacy, James closed his eyes, opened her underwear drawer, dropped the sock in, and closed it again quickly before he was tempted to look.
Opening his eyes before he had a chance to look away was a bad idea.
On top of the table was a notebook.
It had scribblings all over it, and looked almost like a diary…
He couldn't.
James had turned a whole half a step away before he stopped. He turned back again. He looked to the diary. On it read "Lily". Simply, and beautifully, Lily. With a small flower next to her name, and then scribblings and doodles over the cover.
He couldn't. He most definitely shouldn't.
James turned away.
He wouldn't.
This time James had made it towards the door before hesitating, hand hovering somewhere near the doorknob. He turned back and walked purposefully towards Lily's bedside table. He carefully lifted up the diary and held it in his hands, trembling. A quick look, full of guilt, at the door, and he flicked open the first page. It had Lily's full name on it, and even more doodles. James turned to the next page and realised that what he was holding wasn't exactly a diary – flipping through the pages he saw poem after poem of Lily's handwriting.
Realising he shouldn't but that it was too late anyway he went straight to about half way through the book, to the very last entry. None of the poems had titles above them. He found the last poem and read it.
I want to hold you till I die
Tell me you'll lie with me forever
We'll sit before the stars
We'll whisper far and wide
With Promises of a translucent fate
Never to wake or to cry
Lie with me as I die…"
James' heart felt a strange sink as the poem ended. Lily had written that? He sunk onto her bed. Lily had written that? It was so…not her. So out of character that James was almost certain she hadn't written the poem. But, it was so beautiful…just like Lily. But so…
James stopped thinking for a moment. His eyes had widened in an effort to take in the words better. No way had Lily written that.
He read it again, this time, aloud, just to hear the effect of its whisper on his lips…
I want to hold you till I die
Tell me you'll lie with me forever
We'll sit before the stars
We'll whisper far and wide
With Promises of a translucent fate
Never to wake or to cry
Lie with me as I die."
James shook his head wonderingly. He flicked back a page, eager to read another one, desperate to solve some kind of mystery. He didn't know what though. It was Lily's hand, simple as that. Lily's thoughts…
Suddenly James felt incredibly guilty. He was prying into Lily's deep and private thoughts. He had absolutely no right…
James read another one, the second last page to be filled.
"So alone,
Cold inside.
Freezing up my bones,
Splitting apart my lungs,
Aching to my heart.
…It's been so long
Since I felt…
Since I felt life,
Since I felt purpose,
Since I felt such a smile
That would put one to your face.
It's been so long…
And still I look
Away.
Avoiding life's gaze
I walk in the shadows
Distant
Far away…
My bubble follows me everywhere
Does anybody care?
Does anyone care
That this life's gone wasted
That my misery
Feels indestructible…
Does anyone even notice?
Misery
Pushes me down
Closes my unwritten book…
Is there no one who would write it for me?"
Stun took James over as he finished the last line. "Hauntingly beautiful" were the only words that entered his mind. Along with the image of Lily's happy, smiling face… He guessed he wasn't the only one to put out the falsity occasionally. He heart ached for Lily. Was this how she felt? Uncared for, unloved? Not noticed by anyone? At that moment all he wanted to do was to find her and hug her and never let go.
"What the hell, James?"
At first he thought Lily's voice was all in his head. He looked up, and jumped off the bed, dropping the book to the fall. No chance of hiding it now.
Lily's face wasn't of anger, just of shock. She saw the book on the floor and her face became expressionless.
"Uh, hey Lily…wasup?" James said weakly.
Lily looked at him. "Have you been reading my poems?"
James hated himself. "I'm sorry Lily, I know I shouldn't have. I came in here to find you tex'cause I wanted to…to ask you something, and I saw the book and…and I'm a bastard I shouldn't have read your book I'm so sorry."
He paused, waiting for her to get angry, to get upset, to throw things at him, to yell at him, but none of it came. Instead she walked forward slowly and delicately picked up her notebook. She walked up to James. "How many did you read?" she asked, peering up into his face.
James was confused. This didn't feel right. Shouldn't she be really angry with him? "Only two," he said quickly. "The – the last two."
Lily flipped to the last two poems and nodded. "What did you think?" she asked.
Again, confusion. "They were – brilliant," he breathed out. "Beautiful, but…"
"But what?"
"I…never knew there was that kind of side to you. It was a little…scary," James admitted, embarrassed. He ran a hand through his hair.
Lily smiled slightly. "Yeah, well, we all have secrets…" she said ambiguously. James was about to speak when Lily added, "Do you want me to read you one?"
James blinked. "What?"
Lily shrugged. "Just wondered if you wanted me to read you another one. But it doesn't matter – "
"Oh, no, no, of course, I'd love to hear another poem, I think you write beautifully…" James said, all in one breath, desperate to hear more, just, if anything, to hear Lily speak to him without being angry.
Lily smiled, looking nervous yet confident all at the same time. "Ok. I wrote this one kind of recently." She held the book closer to her, and read aloud, as if just in one whispered, shaky breath.
"Looking
Searching
Searching your eyes for something else
Wondering
Thinking
What is behind those beautiful pearls of hazel?"
Lily looked up at James and then her eyes flickered down to the paper again. James' heart caught in his throat.
"Worried
Scared
Do you like me, as much as I like you?
As much as I like your eyes?"
She stopped and took a breath.
"As much as I love
Getting lost in those endless crystals
Feeling the power as my nerves tingle
Seeing your soul
Seeing your mind
Loving your every gazing thought
And then –
Close to tears as you turn your head
The gaze is broken
The moment lost
Close to tears
I hate the way
You turn from me
I hate the way
There's nothing to say
I hate the way
I lost sight of those perfect, pure hazels
Now gone
I hate the way
I can forget them so easily…"
James thought Lily's voice was choking up. He reached a hand out to touch her shoulder, but it reached her hair instead. He stroked it, softly, wonderingly.
"And forget how they looked
When you stared
When you saw through my locked doors
When for a moment…"
She looked up at him, deep into his eyes, and he stared back, Lily reading the rest memorised.
"…I allowed you to see
And you understood
Your kindness and wisdom
Shining brightly through your shiny jewels
You make me feel safe
You made me feel warm
Lost in an eternity of a second
Time has stopped
Frozen in your eyes…
I saw truth
And almost understood…"
Lily broke away and tucked a stray hair behind her hair, pulling away from James. She looked back down at her notebook.
"But time is endless
And never stops ticking
As the clocks go forward
So do our lives
So do your eyes
As you turn from me
I blink
It's gone
I turn away
And life goes on."
James was breathless. Lily gulped sightlessly and closed the book, still not meeting James' eyes. "Yeah, well, it's not very good, I just wanted to…"
A thousand thoughts were whizzing through James' mind, and his heart was hammering behind his chest, and he gently put a hand to Lily's cheek, and she looked up at him. Frozen, eyes locked together, finally, eyes locked together, Lily and James stared at each other wonderingly. Wondering if they dared, after so long without wondering; with straight denial…of what?
He couldn't do it. He couldn't. Even locked in a moment he was too afraid. James looked away but Lily took her turn to hold his head in her hand. She turned him back and stared at him, a smile playing around in her eyes. She slowly leaned forward, and let her lips brush against his.
It wasn't a kiss. Not really. Not long enough to count. But James felt it, and let his whole body turn towards his Lily, reacting to her every move. He brushed his lips against hers, his eyes closed. They hesitated, waiting, feeling the silence, feeling each other's breath against their own, James' hand on Lily's waist, the other hesitant, Lily's two hands both against James' head.
They could feel each other, and they were barely touching, liking the teasing air that still lay between them.
James broke the silence, and moved towards her again, letting his lips react to the touch of hers. Lily kissed him back. He let his other hand come up to her waist, and stroked it up her side, feeling her hands in his hair. They were being gentle, both so afraid of destroying something so delicate and important to them. Not wanting to hurry what they had been waiting so long for.
Suddenly, after teasing each other to the point of desperation, James suddenly couldn't stand being apart from Lily, even though he'd been doing it his whole life. He moved towards her with such a force that she hit the wall behind her. James was about to pull away, worried he was being too rough, when Lily pushed towards him with the same force. They were kissing, holding each other, arms wrapped around the other afraid to let go. In a hungry desperation they kissed, they lips brushing with a powerful force, James' lips parting hers, playing with her, teasing her.
And then Lily laughed. It was a happy sound, empty of mockery. James could feel her lips smile against his and he kissed her even harder, pressing his whole body against hers. She stopped laughing, and let her hands roam over his back as he did the same. He pulled her backwards onto the bed and they collapsed together, oblivious of any location or matter to what they were doing. James needed her with such a longing he could feel several thousands of butterflies in his stomach and in his throat and his mind was ringing alarm bells but he ignored all of it, all of it, because he was with Lily, and nothing else mattered. None of it. He was with Lily, and she was with him.
They were kissing. On Lily's bed. She was lying on top of him, her body pressing hard against his.
He didn't know…should he…was he supposed… James couldn't stop the thoughts flying into his head.
"Lily…" he said softly against her lips. Lily brushed his lips again and stopped, breathless, still just a breath away from his face.
"Don't. You don't have to," she whispered. She slid off him and under the blankets. He did the same. She moved close to him and hugged him, snuggling against his body, kissing him again, and again, and a third time, feeling the taste of him next to her. "Don't think," she said softly, letting her eyes open and stare into his. "Just…hold me. Sleep next to me."
James nodded, loving the sight of her eyes, so close to his. He kissed her, twice, and then let her lie near him, his arms wrapped around her, still breathing heavily. He didn't think about anything, nothing at all, just let the knowledge of his Lily finally lying by him send him into an easy and perfectly peaceful sleep.
