"Everybody Hurts"
Rowan Arkenson
Summary: Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...
Disclaimers: I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.
A/N: James and Lily James and Lily James and Lily FINALLY I hear you scream and grin. That last chapter was lush to write. But yes. Hate me for this next chapter. So, it's all coming to an end. I know this chapter is short but I didn't want to continue it where I've stopped it. So there's this chapter, then one more, and then eighteen will be the prologue, and I think that's it. Listen to Tori Amos, Radiohead, or Johnny Cash's "Hurt" if you want a recommendation of what to listen to while you read this chapter. smiles my inspirations. Love you all. I'm gonna miss this story so much when it finishes :( but no, I'm not doing a sequel. It would ruin the whole thing I feel. Review please. -rowanx
Chapter Sixteen – Perfectly In Love
He opened his eyes before she did, but it was her eyes that regained their focus first. She smiled, and reached out to stroke James' hair that had fallen to his eyes. He smiled back at her, quietly. Not reaching for his glasses, he left them where they had fallen into the bed and let Lily move her hand over his eyes and down his face. She leaned forward and kissed him gently, closing her eyes and letting herself fall into his embrace again. James tried to remember his dreams. They had come in a flash and had left just as soon as the sun had flittered through an open window to wake James up. He shook his head lightly. It didn't matter. He leaned forward and kissed Lily on her forehead.
James realised now that his favourite thing to do was to wake up lying next to Lily. It felt so natural, as if he were waking up in a king-size bed all to himself after a twenty hour dreamless sleep. It was perfect.
Perfect… James frowned. Perfect. So perfect…that… He shook his head again but this time couldn't stop the doubts flittering through.
So perfect, could it really be trusted?
Things were perfect with Sirius before James found out he was cutting himself again. That he'd been cutting himself whilst James had thought things had been perfect.
Ah. Sirius.
Sirius…
Did he still like Lily? Was this wrong? Against the rules James had said he would have always kept for Sirius?
Slowly, James let himself become untangled from Lily as he moved away.
She opened her eyes again. "Good morning," she said, with a smile on her face as she let herself sit up properly.
James smiled back, unsure. "Uh, yeah. G-good morning…" What now? Were they going out now? They'd kissed…several times. Heaven; the best place he'd ever been was last night in Lily's bedroom, with Lily.
But what now?
What about Sirius?
James slid off the side of the bed and stood up, feeling stiff from wearing his clothes to bed. Again.
"James?" Lily asked, getting out as well. "What's wrong?"
She knows me too well, James thought. When did that happen?
"Uh, yeah." James scratched his head. "Is the part where we need to…ya know, talk about things, or can we happily let the talking not happen?"
Lily smiled sympathetically. She sat on the side of the bed. She linked her fingers into James' and gently pulled her down next to her. "I know the talking sucks but we can't just ignore what happened last night can we?" She looked at James for some kind of sign as to how he was feeling but he wouldn't meet her eyes. "Tell me. What are you thinking?"
When James still wouldn't look at her or say anything, Lily smiled and opened her mouth to think.
Had James known she was about to say something perhaps he wouldn't have mentioned what he said next at all. "Sirius."
Lily stopped, mouth open in mid-air. She shut it quickly as James turned to her.
He stood up. "I don't think I can. …S-sorry."
He walked quickly, going over to the door, and opened it.
To see November standing outside.
James moved backwards, embarrassed, running his hands through his hair.
November opened her mouth, and saw Lily in bed, under the covers, for all she knew with no clothes on. 'Em was holding two small square present, both wrapped in blue paper with reindeers on it. James watched as tears welled up in his new friend's eyes as she dropped, or rather threw, the presents onto the floor.
"Great," she said sarcastically, sounding more hurt than angry. "Merry Christmas to you too." Turning around, she walked away slowly, as if knowing James wasn't about to go after her.
Lily, though, stood up, hands over her face, banging her head against the wall several times.
James couldn't stand it. He walked over to Lily and pulled her away from the wall, hugging her and letting her lean her head into his shoulder.
After a few moments he whispered into her hair, "You'd better go after her."
Lily looked up at him, exhaustion in her face. Holding his hand until the last possible second, she let go, and walked out of the room. James didn't let himself watch her leave.
James was standing in his dormitory. His hand was rested on a post. A present covered with blue wrapping paper was held loosely in his other hand. He stared at the floor. He wasn't even thinking. Just staring, blankly. Deciding he hated it all. The usual teenage angst. The usual hatred of a Christmas that's never as perfect as you feel it should be.
The present glittered temptingly in James' hand. He looked down. Slowly, he dropped his right hand down to it and began to tear off the reindeers until he uncovered a photo frame that made him wince inwardly and have to look away. The photo was one of him and November and Lily. It must have been from just a few days ago. They were in the common room, messing around by the fire. They all looked so happy together, even though they'd been pushed into the newly found friendship that came from everyone else leaving them.
He couldn't bear to look at it.
Had he lost all of his friends?
James opened the door of his dormitory, stepping out slowly. He contemplated walking down the stairs. He thought about going back in his room. He turned back, and stepped forward again. With an indecisive decisiveness he walked calmly down the stairs, his breathing and his heart going mad. November and Lily were sitting together on the sofa, talking. November was positioned slightly away from her, head looking down. As soon as James' feet touched the bottom of the staircase both girls looked up.
James didn't know what to do. Should he smile? Crack a joke? Apologise profusely for…whatever it was they were both mad at him for?
Instead he simply looked at them both, mouth open a little, ready to say something, when nothing came out. He looked away, frowned, and then walked straight past them, feeling extremely out of place, hands in pocket, walking out through the portrait hole.
It was when James had walked half way round the lake when Lily caught up with him at a run. She walked beside him for a while. He was glad he had his hands in his pockets, or he would be worried about whether he should hold her hand or not. They walked in silence, James staring at the ground before him, Lily staring at the frozen over water.
James was feeling annoyingly stubborn, and decided that since Lily was the one to come and find him, she could be the one to talk first.
But as it turned out, the second that one word filled the cold air from Lily's mouth, James realised there was a ton of things he wanted to say.
"James…"
"Ok look Lily it doesn't even matter ok?" James didn't look at her. "It doesn't even matter."
Lily stared him. "What doesn't matter? Last night doesn't matter?"
"No, no I didn't…"
"Fine Potter if last night was just another of your usual times with those girlfriends you throw around then fine. I thought…" she stopped, breathing out and looking away. "That maybe…"
"I felt something for you?" James finished for her, stopping and turning to her. She looked up at him, eyes icy cold and looking irresistible and she shivered in her robes. James just managed not to wrap his arms around her. "It doesn't matter," he said again. "It doesn't matter if I like you, it doesn't matter if I ever liked you. It would be nice if you liked me," he said with a wry smile, "but it wouldn't matter, because I can't anyway."
"Can't what?" Lily put her hand on James' arm as he tried to walk on. "Can't be with me, couldn't ever love me?"
James smiled again and looked away. He ran his hand through his hair, and looked up at the falling snow for a few moments. Lily stood, patient, waiting. "I already do love you," James said quietly. Lily didn't say anything. "I already have loved you forever," he said, smiling. "As forever as it hurts to do.
"James…"
"No, don't bother." He started to walk away. "We can't anyway."
"Why not?" Lily ran up to him and placed herself in front of his foot steps so that he couldn't run away. He couldn't look at her. Looking at her meant not to breathe, and he needed all his breath to be able to say no to her.
"Sirius, November…what about them?"
"That's not your fault, James. And it's not mine either," said Lily desperately. She moved to brush a hand against his cheek. "You can't help who you fall in love with."
James grabbed her hand and gently pushed it away. "I know. But Sirius loves you and I love him." He shook his head. "When you two went out, it was…the end of the world for me." He looked up at the sky and then over to the sea, biting back the tears. "We argued, we fought…it was my fault he – it was my fault he tried to kill himself…"
James sunk to the ground, sitting right at the edge of the lake and staring out over it. He still wasn't looking at her but he could feel Lily sitting down beside him.
"No, no it's not your fault," she said softly. "No way is it your fault. You were mad at him and…I can understand that you, you probably had every right to be. But his parents were awful James. It wasn't just me or you or anyone – he was just…"
A smile from James shut her up. "Don't try explaining it, Lil. It was partly everything. And partly me." To this she had nothing to say. James could feel his words choking up and he closed his eyes. "What if…he'd…….died………."
James put a hand over his face. He stood up, ignoring the fact that he was practically crying in front of Lily. "I can't, ok. I can't love you I can't go out with you I can't be with you.
"James, you can't babysit Sirius. If he ever wanted to – do it again – there'd be nothing you could do to help – "
"Shut up." James stared hard at Lily, angry. "Shut up ok don't even – just – just go away."
Lily nodded slowly. She looked away and then back again. "Fine. I was just trying to help. But fuck you. I never loved you either."
She walked past him, not touching him, her hands folded, and ran back up to the castle. James didn't take his eyes away from the spot where she had been standing. He closed his eyes and collapsed to the ground, lying there and shaking for a very long time.
