"Everybody Hurts"

Rowan Arkenson

Summary: Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

Disclaimers: I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. The verse at the end of this is from "Maya" by Sugababes.

A/N: sob last chapter. Well, technically, second last chapter, but the next one's just a prologue. I'm gonna miss you all!! And I'm gonna miss my James, and my Sirius, and my Lily, and my very own November…. cries BUT woo please love me and add me to your alerts if you haven't already cause you love me and I'll probably start another hp story you can read :D lol. Now, before you do anything else, go find your old corrs albums or downloading system (naughty, lol) and listen to "Lough Erin Shore". It's BEAUTIFUL and reminds me of where James is somewhen during this chapter… Pretty Scotland. Loch Tay is actually a real place and can be searched for on google under images and "loch tay", surprisingly. lol.

I'm breaking my all James thing. This chapter is split into different POVs. But it's still all ok I think.

Please review and enjoy the nearly last chapter.

(OH MY GOD IT'S FINISHED!!! Wow…the end of an era… next chapter: proper prologue, proper conclusions, not a smidgen of angst, and a lovely round up to this lovely ending :D)

-rowanx

Chapter Seventeen – In Flames and In Snow

Lily sat by the embers in the fire. To anyone else watching she would have appeared to be fast asleep, her gentle eyes closed and her body wrapped up into itself on the arm chair defensively. But as soon as November walked into the common room, Lily's eyes snapped open with awareness, and she looked towards her best friend. "Well? Did you talk to him?"

With a shrug and a shake of the head. "I couldn't find him," she replied, taking off her jacket and throwing it over a chair.

"What?" Lily sat up suddenly, letting her legs drop from the chair to the ground.

"I couldn't find him," November repeated. She sat opposite Lily. "He wasn't by the lake where you said, he wasn't at the tree. I checked the quidditch pitch, the great hall, the hospital wing, the astronomy tower, even the library – no surprises he wasn't there."

Lily stood up, her pulse rate evident in her stricken expression as her heart raced. "And that doesn't worry you?! The fact that you couldn't find him anywhere?" Lily started up to the boy's dormitory.

"Well, I hadn't really thought about it…" she heard her friend call.

Lily threw open the door. No one was around. Everything was exactly where it should be. She didn't really think James could be up here, she'd ran straight up to the common room after they'd fought.

Running back down the stairs Lily saw November standing and twiddling her fingers together. "He might be in Hogsmeade," she said quickly.

"I know, but we could be looking all day," Lily said practically.

A thought struck her.

"Sirius," she said. And ran to the fireplace.

"Sirius?" November echoed.

Lily picked up the floo powder. "If anyone knows where James will have gone, Sirius will."


At noon on Christmas day the air was a bitter cold, scraping against James' skin as he climbed the mountain. It had stopped snowing, but the wind was even worse, ripping against him as he stumbled forward, tears ever apparent at his eyes, through all the physical pain and all the dead emotions spilling through him. James frowned at the ground, blaming the grass and stones and dirt beneath him for all the worries and insecurities that were flying through his head that seemed so trivial – yet so life destructing.
Sirius was sat by the fire, a warm comfort to his shivering body. He had no idea where Remus and Peter were. Christmas morning and he had no idea where his friends were. Or the parents for that matter. He looked at his watch. Around 12 noon. He was in the spare room, having taken his bed covers over to the fire and wrapped them around himself, feeling cold on the carpeted floor. It was cold. He wondered if he should shut the window but apathy and a certain amount of self-hatred stopped him. Maybe he didn't deserve to be warm on Christmas day. He glanced to the fireplace and waited patiently for the flickers of painful memories to pass quickly. He remembered taking his arm in one hand and wondering how much it would burn. If it would catch aflame or simply hold still and grow black. Remembered wondering if it would hurt desperately or just bring a quiet sort of salvation that he was getting what he deserved. Sirius flung the covers off of himself and stared at his arm for quite some time. Lifting the sleeve of his left arm and there was immediately a knock at the door. Sirius looked up instantly, looking unruffled by the disturbance. He pulled his sleeve down again and opened the door wide, adjusting his face to hide any emotions.

"Padfoot! Did you just wake up?" Peter searched Sirius' face.

He nodded and rubbed his eyes for effect. He yawned and laughed at the same time. "Now where's my presents?" he asked straight-forwardly and made for the front room.

Remus looked up as he came in and grinned. "Merry Christmas," he said, looking contendly at the mountains of presents beneath the tree.

He grinned and lunged in what he thought would be a rather Sirius-like manner at the presents. The effect he'd wanted was created, and everyone laughed as Sirius and Peter tried to find their presents and Remus went to fetch his parents from the kitchen.

"Sirius!"

Peter and Sirius turned around, jumped, as Lily's whole body appeared from the fireplace. Sirius was stunned and took a step back but Peter moved forward.

"Lily? What are you doing here?" he said, welcomingly.

Lily brushed soot down from her arms. She looked up, and smiled quickly at Peter. "Merry Christmas, guys," she said with a quick flicker at Sirius. Sirius looked away from her.

"Bags I get the biggest present." Remus walked in with a grin but stopped suddenly. He saw Lily and walked up to her. "Lily! What – " He stopped, half way towards her, a foot literally suspended momentarily in the air. "Where's Padfoot?" he asked quickly. Sirius looked up. "Where's November, what's wr-"

Remus' parents walked in. Remus took one look at them, looked at Lily and walked back again. "Parents," he said gravely, "I'm afraid I must inform you that we must return immediately to the castle for uh…for a…"

"Leg waxing."

Sirius looked at Peter, who shrugged pathetically.

Mr. Lupin raised an eyebrow. "A…leg-waxing?"

"Oh yes, darling," said Mrs. Lupin, nodding her golden head positively. "Used to be quite a ritual in old pagan times." She smiled at her son. "Just make sure you're back for dinner. We've got a nice turkey in the oven."

Remus stared at his parents in disbelief. "Ok then…cool. So uh, I guess we'll just go to our…leg waxing?" Mr. and Mrs. Lupin smiled down at their son.

"O…k then so we'll be off."

Lily went back through the fireplace first, closely followed by Peter. Remus had just grabbed the floo powder pot when Mr. Lupin called out, "You be careful with that razor, son. We don't want it going near any…" he coughed, "special places.

Remus was shaking his head in utter disbelief and making his way through the flames when he heard his mother say, "Oh no dear you've got it all wrong. You're meant to shave up there…"


Stumbling through the portrait hole, Remus said, "I can't believe my parents know what leg waxing is."

November stood up. She looked panicked but then stopped. "Wait, why were you talking to them about leg waxing?"

"It was Peter's fault," mumbled Remus.

Lily stood herself between November and Remus, with Sirius and Peter stood somewhere awkwardly in front of her. "Ok can we save this til later? Surprisingly I didn't call you down here to discuss leg waxing."

Sirius collapsed into a chair, still not meeting anyone's eyes and Peter came forward.

"Oh yeah, yeah Lily – what happened?" he asked.

Lily was careful not to immediately look to Sirius at this one. Instead she stared straight into Remus' eyes. "We think…we think that James has gone."

"What?" Sirius had stood up quickly. "He's gone what do you mean he's gone?"

"In that we can't find him," said 'Em by way of explanation.

Sirius bolted up the stairs to the dormitory. "I think we already looked there!" Lily yelled, annoyed.

"He's taken the photo," Sirius said to Remus and Peter. Both boys nodded in a sudden desperate understanding.

"Wait what photo, what?" asked Lily.

"When did you see him last?" rushed Sirius, walking straight to Lily.

Momentarily shocked by his forced eye contact, Lily stuttered. "I – well, last night, he – we…"

"They had sex last night," November filled in.

Everyone stared at her, and then at Lily.

She rolled her eyes. "We did not. We just fell asleep together." She stared determinedly at a lip-biting Sirius. "That was all," she said, hoping the promise shone through her voice. Though she didn't quite understand why it was important to her that Sirius knew that. James was the one with the problems.

"Ok, and then what happened?" asked Remus, breaking the silence.

"Well…" Lily looked apologetically at November who shrugged with a small smile. "Well, November walked in, and…sort of…"

"We all know I fancy the fuck out of James right?" November laughed shortly. She looked out the window. "No shock there. No worries there." She shrugged again, half to herself. "I got upset and walked out and Lily followed me."

"James had said that…" Lily stopped, suddenly worried about how much she could say. She glanced at Sirius.

He shrugged. "Go ahead, whatever, me and Prongs have scrapped enough already I probably already know what he said about me."

Lily looked at him, suddenly angry. "Look, he said that he wouldn't go out with me – because of you." Sirius stood stock still, staring at her.

"…What?"

"We kissed, and it was amazing, and then we fell asleep together, and one of the first things he said when we woke up was that he couldn't be with me because of you," she said, pointing a finger right in Sirius' face. "Because he couldn't stand losing you again, Sirius, and because he couldn't stand the thought that you might…" She stopped, breathless. She didn't need to finish the sentence. She looked away, arms folded. After a while, she said, quietly, "Have you any idea where he went?"

Sirius looked at his feet, eyebrows creased. He walked over to the window and stared out of it, over the hills. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I might have some idea." He left the portrait hole with no further words, his friends following after him quickly, leaving the fire burning in the hearth to kindle away at their lingering paranoia over James…


Loch Tay was frozen over in the deep cold. James thought he could feel the ice reaching up to his spine, giving him constant shivers and running the guilt and pain through his mind over and over again. He felt red hot in his brain, with so many doubts crossing it again and again. What was he doing? Why was he here? On top of this hill, staring at the lake, on Christmas day, when right back at the castle, Lily was…

He'd stood up several times, vowing to go back, and then had stopped himself and forced sitting down. He couldn't. All he did was ruin people's lives. Couldn't be a good friend to Sirius, or to Lily…couldn't be good for anything to Lily…

James, shivering through his thin jumper, reached a hand into his jean pocket and drew out a photo frame. Gold, and silver, and far from tacky, it held a picture of his Lily. Stood against a background of a Wintery Hogsmeade, it had been taken exactly a year ago, on Christmas day. All of Sixth year Gryffindor had, unusually for once, all been staying at Hogwarts over the holiday, and all went to Hogsmeade together. This photo had been taken by someone, and James can't even remember how he'd managed to get hold of it. Maybe he'd taken it himself. Lily wasn't looking at the camera, so he supposed he could have done. They probably weren't talking back then.

Snowflakes in her hair, a thick coat on, Lily was turned to a shop window, in an extremely unglamorous manner that made her so glamorous and captivated simply everything that James loved about her. That smile on her face that made him remember she'd been laughing. The eagerness to which she stared at a dress in a shop window; that admiration of beauty that didn't stop her from seeing the beauty in everything. She wore a strange expression on her face, that didn't make her look the prettiest James had ever seen her, but he loved her even more for it; it was a reminder she wasn't perfect. She was human, like him, and she wasn't perfect. Which was perfect for James. Perfection was lost on trophy winners. He just wanted…he just wanted Lily.

"Nice photo." James didn't looked up, simply paused. Slowly, he put the frame back inside his pocket. "It's been a year, great it's still in such good condition, despite the amount of times you've handled it."

Sirius sat down next to James on the snow and shivered. "Man it's freezing up here. A guy could die waiting up here forever." He looked at James, whose vision line was still fixated on the lake below. "Or perhaps that was the point?" Sirius shrugged. "If it was me and I'd copped out of running away to Hogsmeade station, a one-way ticket to wherever thank you very much, I wouldn't wait for the cold to get me. You know there's a much easier way to do it. If you just know how to handle your knife, but…actually," he said with a little laugh, "that didn't actually work for me too well did it? Though to be fair it did certainly make life a lot easier for us. You know, being able to pretend we didn't hate each other. I can't imagine you'd want to leave without telling Lily how much you love her though would you? Maybe you could take her with you, leave me like I left you? Revenge?"

James was staring open-mouthed at his best friend. He frowned and stood up suddenly. "What the fuck Sirius?" he said, literally fucking shocked. "What did you just say?"

Sirius shrugged, not looking all that sorry. He stayed on the floor, stretching his legs out. "I just said what you just needed to hear." He looked up at James and then stood. "It's all true and you know it." James looked away but Sirius grabbed his shoulder, forcing him back. "No. If I can say all this, surely you can." He waited, but James said nothing, just staring at him with a powerful hatred. "James. James, I tried to kill myself. Just say it." Another pause. Sirius pushed James to the ground. "Fucking say it."

James forced himself upright. "You tried to kill yourself!" he said, practically yelling. "There, does that make anything better?"

"Yes! It does actually! Fuck, aren't you sick of all this lying? All this denial? James, we hated each other for a while. We fought over a girl, we hated each other, and I tried to kill myself."

"Dude is there a fucking point to this or have you just gone insane?"

Sirius stared at James, arms folded.

James flung his arms up in the air. "You're insane. We fought over a girl, we fought over Lily, we hated each other, yes, and you tried to fucking kill yourself. You tried to kill yourself. And if it wasn't for Peter, you would have succeeded. If it wasn't for me, if it wasn't for Peter…" he stopped, mid-sentence, suddenly feeling breathless. He looked away from Sirius. "If it wasn't for Peter…"

Sirius walked towards James gently. "How much do you love her, Prongs?" he asked, softly.

"What?" James asked.

"How much do you love her?"

James blinked. "I never loved her more than…I mean, I would never chose – "

"I know. It's ok dude, I know. We're like brothers, right?" Sirius grinned. "We fight, we ignore each other, we tease each other. But, brothers always love each other really, right?" James nodded, smiling. "And I know you wouldn't chose Lily over me. But you don't have to chose me over her either."

James looked confused.

"I think you were right. I don't think I was ever hugely in love with Lily, Prongs." Sirius looked away. "Maybe it was partly to get back at you. I was so mad that… But never mind all that." He shook his head. "It doesn't matter. But I'm sorry." He looked up at James who just shrugged.

"I would have done it too," he admitted. He looked at Sirius for a while and then smiled gently. "How did you know I'd be up here?"

Sirius grinned. "This is part of a brother's job isn't it?" He shrugged. "It's where I would have gone. A resonating peace, just the birds up here, just the cold, just the thoughts, maybe it would have been enough to send you to a peaceful death without actually having to murder yourself…"

James pulled Sirius to him and the two friends hugged, clinging onto each other, for the first real time in weeks; all distances and fires between them gone; faded in an instant.

All tension gone, they pulled apart and James laughed lightly. As the two began to make their way back down the hill, side by side, Sirius said, "So what were you gonna do coming up here anyway?"

Shrugging, James admitted, "Well I did go to Hogsmeade station first…I guess I just didn't know where to go. I figured coming up here might at least clear my head."

"Of…Lily?" Sirius teased.

James didn't say anything.

"So what's going to happen between you two?"

"I don't know." James grinned at Sirius. "To be honest I'm just glad we're friends again at the moment."

Sirius looked insulted. "Hey, when were we not friends?"

James pushed him over. Laughing at the rejected look on his friend's face he turned himself into the stag and started galloping down the icy hill, hearing a dog bark from behind all the way.


It had started to snow again. But back at the castle, the fire was roaring and James and Sirius felt an inner warmth as well that was almost contagious. Neither had got the other a Christmas present, and it didn't seem needed or necessary anyway. They simply sat in the old arm chairs by the hearth and laughed together. Over such stupid things that perhaps wouldn't have been so funny if they hadn't felt the need to just laugh together.

The portrait hole swung open and four people made their way through it. They stopped short at seeing Sirius and James together and the leader made her way forward, hitting Sirius on the arm and going to hug James.

"Sirius!" exclaimed November. "You could have told us you'd found him!"

James pulled away. "Found me?" He looked to Sirius, puzzled. "What do they mean?"

"No idea, mate." Sirius grinned and chinked his wine glass towards James', both taking a huge gulp and then laughing hysterically.

Remus couldn't help but grin. "Well I'm glad you two have been enjoying yourselves while we've been out in the freezing cold."

James stood. "Have my chair, my friend. I offer it to you in your hour of need." He bowed and went to sit on Sirius, who made a huge thing of protesting about it.

As Peter moved forward to join in the well-being, Lily was stood at the back, feeling awkward, and almost angry, and completely left out. James saw her look at him dangerously and he stared back at her for a moment before standing and walking up to his dormitory. Lily followed him. The noise in the common room grew strangely quiet.


James leaned against a bedpost, staring at the floor. Lily looked at him intensely, simply standing, as if waiting for an explanation. But James didn't really know what she wanted him to say.

"Lily, I…" he stopped. "I – it wasn't…"

Lily stepped forward. "Let me help you out here. You had one bad night of a mistake, and instead confronting me honestly, you pretended it was because of Sirius, even thought it would be obvious to anyone else that Sirius doesn't exactly like me anymore, and then you run off instead of waiting for me and dealing with it."

James was appalled, and watched as Lily left the dormitory, slamming the door behind her. Wait. That wasn't… he looked at the floor for a moment, looked up, frowned, and ran after her.

He found her conveniently in the middle of the common room and caught her arm. "Wait…" he said quietly, not wanting the others to hear, even though it probably would have been hard for them to miss it, staring at him in silent anticipation and all.

"James, I can't be bothered," Lily said exasperatedly, and turned to go.

James looked at Sirius, who put a gun to his own head. James rolled his eyes. But Remus seemed to be urging him to go after her, which the seemed the more sensible solution, so James followed it.

"Lily I love you," said James, forcefully, after a moment's hesitation.

Lily paused. She turned back, and studied him for a few seconds. Then she said, "James, you said that last night. What makes you think I'm going to believe you now?"

"Because – because you should," James said pathetically. He looked at Remus, who just shrugged. Helpful. "Because we're friends," he tried. "Because, because, like you were saying, I always look away from things." He walked up to her. "But look at me." He stared deeply into her eyes and she looked back, hope and a little bit of fear sparkling up at him. "I'm not looking away now, am I? I love you. And I just told you that. And I didn't look away. You make me want to face up to everything, to never look away from anything. Or at least never from you."

Lily smiled as James' hand stroked her hair. It was a beautiful moment.

Until Peter had the grace to make puking noises. James looked over at his friends and saw Remus rolling his eyes. "Right you lot, upstairs," he ordered, practically pushing Peter, Sirius and November up to the boys' dormitories. James could hear faint whines from Peter and Sirius, with mumblings of: "Aww but I wanna seeee," drifting down the stairs.

James took his hand away from Lily. He smiled gently. "Do you believe me yet?"

Lily bit her lip. "I…yes. I guess so," she said shyly, now looking towards the ground, but grinning.

James laughed. He looked at her for a moment and then said, "Wait here a second, I'm gonna go get something." He ran up the stairs to his dormitory, leaving her there helplessly. As soon as he entered the room, four voices started talking to him at once but he ignored them, grabbing the bundle from under the bed and holding it behind his back as he slammed the door behind him and walked back down to the common room.

He walked up to Lily, grinning. She raised an eyebrow, standing in the same spot where he had left her. "Sorry it's not wrapped," he apologized, handling her the beautiful long maroon dress she had seen in the store. It was strapped at the top, and tight down to the waist, where it started to go out, down to her ankles.

James began to worry, as Lily was simply staring at the dress, not saying a word. Was this a good thing? He coughed. "Um…yeah…do you like it?" he asked nervously.

Lily gaped at her friend. "James! Do I – oh my god James! I love it!!" She hugged him fiercely, but he wondered if she was hugging the dress more, and laughed.

"Oh my god, I have to go and put this on like RIGHT NOW."

James chuckled softly. "Wait," he said, and his grin faded. "I told you, now you have to tell me." Lily nodded slowly. James breathed in deeply. "Do…do you love me?"

The reaction Lily took to James' question was the worst he could have imagined her doing. She bit her lip, and looked away.

James smiled and looked down at his feet, gulping. "Ok, that's fair enough. I guess it's not a very fair question. You can't help it. I mucked things up too much. I guess I didn't really expect you to, not after all this time and all. It's ok." He turned away but Lily stopped him.

"No, James, listen, just wait a sec…

"Lily, what – " James stopped. He wasn't going to get angry. …No, wait, fuck that, yes he was. "What do you want me to say? I've been in love with you for nearly three years now."

Lily's mouth was literally hung open. She stared at James for a while. "…Three years?" she repeated softly.

"Yeah well feel free to mock me," mumbled James averting her intense gaze. "Like I said, I didn't really expect you to…"

"James stop." He did so, but didn't look up. "Ok, I have to explain this to you. And…please try and let me understand it myself before you say anything, ok?" James nodded, miserably, and looked up at Lily. She breathed in deeply, and looked away for a moment before she gazed back at him, and spoke. "James, there are a million ways to describe love; a million songs, a million poems, a million words." She paused. "I don't think I love you." James nodded, dejected, his heart crumpled into sharp pieces. He looked down but Lily touched his face gently and he looked up at her again. "What…what I feel for you, is – so much more than that." James' heart started to thump. "If I said you made my heart soar, I wouldn't be saying it enough. If I said you made my throat dry whenever I talked to you, that still wouldn't be right. If I said I would die without you...not even that. My love for you goes beyond anything anyone could draw or sing or write. My love for you is like the air, like the wind, like the feeling in your heart when you know something is just right, but have no logic to explain it. My love for you throws away all common sense and plunges right into what I know may be wrong but refuse to believe it could be. Because if it's so wrong, then what is 'right'? Maybe I don't want 'right'. Maybe all I want is you. And I believe that because I have to. Because somewhere gone past my brain, somewhere that sends electric signals down my arms when you touch me, somewhere that makes my spine tingle whenever you're near, somewhere that makes me breathe less whenever it seems I need breathe to talk to you, to kiss you...somewhere, inside of me, I know with more certainty than I've ever known something in my whole life, that I can't live without you. I – I couldn't live without you."

James was shocked. He really couldn't find any words that would suit the aftermath of a speech like that. Lily even had tears in her eyes, as she looked up at him, expectantly, worriedly, hesistantly. James didn't know what to say. His brain was still somewhere having a hard time of trying to register that Lily had just said she couldn't live without him.

Natural instinct overtook any thoughts, and James smiled softly. Lily bit her lip and smiled back at him. James leaned in to Lily – his hand stroking her beautiful, soft red hair, another hand touching her delicate shoulder, her breath on his, their souls entwined – and kissed her.


There are worlds within worlds that keep rotating

And so many thoughts that flow through my mind

If this universe keeps on shrinking

We'll be together in time


xx