"The Famous Five knew that they were going to have an absolutely wonderful summer, with lashings of ginger ale and top-quality string," read Julianne. She loved the Famous Five, and was an avid reader of their stories. This week: 'Adventure at Craggy Cliff.' All seemed to be as usual, but...
"The summer would be extra-fun, because Julian had told them about a new local bar and they were going out boozing that very evening, before going to an illegal rave...That's not right," muttered Julianne pensively. "Since when were the Famous Five hell-raiser alcoholics?" A quick leaf through the rest of the book revealed several even more disturbing changes, and she phoned up her friend Ria for advice.
"Are you sure it's different? Maybe Enid Blyton just felt like trying out a few new ideas," said Ria reassuringly.
"But throughout the book Anne constantly makes innuendo-laden smutty jokes based upon Dick's unfortunate name," insisted Julianne desperately. "And then in Chapter 12, they meet in the clifftop cave to smoke marijuana!"
"But still..." said Ria, clutching at straws.
"They're planning on going to a local bar for a booze up!" said Julianne, her voice getting more high-pitched by the second.
"How? They're only ten!" said Ria, amazed.
"Oh, don't worry – Julian ran off some fake IDs for them on his secret pornography printing press!" shrieked Julianne hysterically.
"Ye gods," muttered Ria, shocked. "Maybe something is up after all."
"But what can we do?" asked Julianne.
"Hmmmm...maybe we should refer to the Human Dictionary," said Ria contemplatively.
"You mean Elizabeth?" said Julianne.
"Yeah, she knows everything," replied Ria. "She'll be able to tell us what's going on."
They repaired to Elizabeth's house and knocked on her front door, disturbing her reading and annoying her considerably, although she mellowed slightly upon being told of the problem.
"It sounds to me like a case of a Bookworm," she said slowly, eyeing them over the top of her glasses.
"A what?" asked Ria tiredly.
"A Bookworm. A marauding saboteur who travels through stories in the interest of observing the action first-hand, but who always – intentionally or not – ends up disrupting the narrative, sometimes irrevocably," said Elizabeth. "You must follow the Bookworm through the books, putting right his indiscretions and returning the plot to normal, before eventually catching up with him and removing him from literature."
"Sounds complicated," whined Julianne.
"And don't forget, there could be more than one," pointed out Elizabeth. "Although they are rather rare, it has to be said."
"So how do we get into the books in the first place?" asked Ria.
"You use a portal," said Elizabeth simply.
"Of course! Why didn't we think of that?" said Ria sarcastically.
"Which we can get where?" asked Julianne.
"Why don't we try ebay?" suggested Ria. "I bought a motorised garden vacuum cleaner from there only last week!"
"Why?" asked Julianne.
"It was reduced, because it didn't have the motor any more," replied Ria. "But ebay has everything!"
"Including motorless motorised garden vacuum cleaners, it would
seem," said Julianne.
"Well, what else could we try?" asked Ria irritably.
"Way ahead of you," said Elizabeth, pulling out a large ring of keys. "As luck would have it, I happened to pick one up at a boot fair recently!" She pulled open the cupboard doors she had just unlocked to reveal a shimmering archway inside. A small plasma screen at the top revealed the destination, and currently read 'Pride and Prejudice: Mr Darcy in the bath scene.'
"And why were you in Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth?" asked Ria innocently. "What could be your possible interest in observing that particular scene?"
"Ummm...it must be broken," blushed Elizabeth, resetting the screen to read 'The Famous Five Adventure At Craggy Cliff". "Now, when did you first notice something was awry?"
"In Chapter 2, when Julian had told them about a new local bar and given them the new fake IDs, as well as several counterfeit copies of Penthouse," said Julianne.
"OK," said Elizabeth, keying the relevant information in. "Right...there we go," she said as the information flashed up on the screen.
"Ready to go!"
"How long is this going to take?" asked Julianne.
"Don't know. Anything from an hour..."
"That's not so bad," said Ria.
"...To an eternity," concluded Elizabeth.
"Heavy," muttered Julianne.
"So perhaps we should pack some food," suggested Ria.
"Good idea," said Elizabeth, bustling off into the kitchen and returning a couple of minutes later with a fully stocked picnic hamper.
"Whoa Elizabeth, how much have you got there?" asked Ria incredulously.
"Just enough to last for a week or two at a stretch," replied Elizabeth, chucking it through the portal. It shimmered in mid-air for a second before vanishing. "There we go. Come on!" said Elizabeth impatiently, jumping through the portal after it. Ria and Julianne looked at each other with not a little trepidation, before stepping through the portal after her.
