Several hours later, there was no sign of the promised portal as Peter re-examined the map for the hundredth time.

"How many roads must a man walk down, before he will admit he is lost?" sang Julianne.

"Shut up!" snapped Peter. "I'll work it out in a minute!"

"Hey, a signpost," said Ria.

"What does it say?" asked Peter eagerly.

"Letterham, 7 miles," replied Ria. "And it's pointing that way."

"Great! That means that it's just up here..." Peter trailed off when he saw the enormous mountain in front of them. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Oh man."

"Let's get climbing," muttered Julianne resignedly.

"Where are we going next?" asked Ria, puffing as she climbed up the incline.

"A nursery rhyme called 'Simple Simon'. There are signs that the Bookworm is, or has been, there," replied Peter.

"What signs?" asked Julianne inquisitively.

"Well, for one example," began Peter, "it now reads:

'Simple Simon met a Pieman

Going to a fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,

"My! What have you got there?"

Said the Pieman unto Simon,

"Pies, you dickhead."'

"Ah, I see the point," conceded Julianne. "Oooohhh, is that the portal?" She pointed at a shimmering gateway set into a tree trunk at the top of the mountain.

"Yes. See, I told you I'd find it in the end!" said Peter.

"I never doubted you for a minute," said Julianne, raising her eyebrows at Ria and Elizabeth.

"I saw that," said Peter huffily, typing their destination into the portal keypad.

"Well, I didn't exactly do it subtly," said Julianne.

"Whoa! Let's not have any arguments here," said Ria, stepping between them. "Shall we get going?"

Soon after this, they were standing on a long country track surrounded by trees and fields.

"What do we do now?" asked Elizabeth.

"We wait," said Peter, sitting down on a nearby tree stump. "We can't do anything until either Simon and the Pieman or the Bookworm shows up."

"Great," muttered Julianne, sitting down beside Peter and kicking off her shoes.

"You think the Bookworm's still here?" asked Ria.

"Well, the D.D.D.D. is showing quite high levels, so either the Bookworm's here or we're getting interference from a rebellious Generical," replied Peter.

"A what?"

"A Generical is a book character, without the character. It's the basic template for making a character before the personality and individual traits are added," said Peter. "And if one starts playing about, then we're in trouble. It takes a long time and lots of paperwork to sort out any problems caused by them. Luckily, most potential troublemakers are weeded out at ," said Ria, her mind reeling.

"Shall we start on the food?" suggested Elizabeth, proffering the bulging hamper.

"Oooohh, yes!" exclaimed Ria, seizing the hamper and lifting the lid. "Wait a minute...salad? Biological yoghurt? Soya cake? What is this?"

"Food," said Elizabeth, taking a bite of soya cake.

"Not in my book," said Ria despondently, handing the hamper back to Elizabeth.

"I wonder if there's a Maccy D's around here," said Julianne hopefully. Ria gave her a look. "What?" asked Julianne indignantly. "I'm hungry, and I want to know where I could find a poor-quality cheap fast food outlet that can supply me with low-grade meat and limp fries!"

"There isn't," said Peter, not looking up from the book he was reading.

"Why are you so sure?" asked Julianne.

"Since the whole of the rhyme is situated on this section of road, this is the entire universe. This small length of road is all there is," replied Peter.

"No way!" said Julianne, pulling her shoes back on and running off into the distance. Suddenly, at the exact moment she disappeared over the horizon, she immediately reappeared at the other end of the road. "What the hell? Oh man," said Julianne, trudging back to the group.

"Gum?" asked Peter, proffering a stick of spearmint Wrigley's.

"No thanks," said Julianne despondently. "It'll just make me hungrier."

"Can you hear something?" said Ria suddenly, sitting up straight.

Everyone listened. Sure enough, the sounds of approaching voices could be heard – and they seemed to be having an argument, which continued as two men came into sight and headed towards the group.

"Don't call me a dickhead!"

"Then don't ask stupid questions. If I'm called the Pieman, what am I likely to have in my basket? Squid?"

"You could have done..."

"Well, on the balance of probabilities, what am I likely to have, considering that I have 'Pies' stamped on the back of my jacket in giant block letters?"

"Excuse me," said Peter, stepping out in front of them.

"What?" asked the Pieman irritably, pausing in the middle of administering a sound beating to Simon who, it transpired, was not called Simple for nothing.

"Peter Casablancas, L.G.E.P.," said Peter authoritatively, attempting to flip open his badge and once again only succeeding in throwing it at the feet of the Pieman. Ria picked it up wordlessly and handed it back to him.

"Have you seen a new character around here anywhere..." began Peter, anxious to save face, but Julianne barged in front with a manic look in her eyes.

"How much for the pies?" she asked desperately, rooting around in her pockets for spare change.

"Um...a penny each," said the Pieman.

"I'll take them all," gasped Julianne, shoving fistfuls of coins at him.

"What's this? Toy money?" snorted the Pieman.

"No...It's a fifty p piece," said Julianne.

"A what?" asked the Pieman.

"He uses old money," hissed Peter.

"Oh. So you don't take this sort of money?" said Julianne.

"No," said the Pieman, crossing his arms.

"Well, how about this – you give me the pies, or I'll shove your head where the sun don't shine," said Julianne threateningly.

The Pieman gulped and handed over the basket to Julianne, who immediately began wolfing them down.

"So, as I was saying," said Peter, "Have you seen any unusual characters around recently?"

"Yeah, actually. Saw a guy on a maroon motorcycle. Stood out like a sore thumb, you see, because it's usually just me and this moron," replied the Pieman, gesturing in Simon's direction. Everyone looked at Simon, expecting fireworks and retaliation, but he merely smiled placidly. Eventually, Peter decided he'd waited long enough.

"So, who was this man?" asked Peter.

"Don't know," replied the Pieman. "Cool bike, though."

"Hey...he just insulted me!" said Simon, looking shocked.

"I think the penny's finally dropped," murmured Ria.

"You don't say," said Elizabeth sarcastically.

"When did you last see this man?" asked Peter.

"About five minutes ago," replied the Pieman, throwing an empty pie case at Simon, who promptly caught it and put it on his head to wear it like a hat.

"He's probably still here," Peter whispered to Julianne, rolling his eyes at Simon. "Go and have a look through the forest, see if he's hiding in the undergrowth."

"What are you going to do?" asked Julianne.

"Set the rhyme back the way it was," replied Peter. "We can't have generations of children being traumatised by gratuitous swearing in a seemingly harmless rhyme, can we?"

"I suppose not," said Julianne grudgingly.

"Right," said Peter, rooting around in his bag and pulling out a small black enamel case, before opening it to reveal a red and a blue pill. "This is your last chance. After this there is no going back," he said, swatting away Simon who was reaching for the pills with a look of wonder on his face. "You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your own bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes."

"What?" asked the Pieman.

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's for a different story," said Peter, putting the pills back in his bag. "What I really meant to say was...LOOK OVER THERE!"

"Huh?" exclaimed the Pieman, spinning around and looking around frantically. Peter quickly whipped out a syringe and injected its contents into the back of the Pieman's arm. The Pieman froze on the spot and a blissful smile spread over his face.

"Problem solved. He'll not remember a thing by the time he's back to normal," said Peter, stashing the syringe back in his bag and starting back towards the portal tree.

"What about Simon?" asked Ria.

"What about him?" asked Peter.

"Well, shouldn't we do something about him? He might remember something about this and screw up the storyline more," said Ria.

"Doubt it," said Peter, looking pointedly at Simon, who seemed to be chasing an object visible only to him around the road, giggling manically. "And even if he did, who'd believe him?"

"Well, just in case," insisted Ria.

"OK. Fine," sighed Peter, picking up a rock and throwing it at Simple Simon. It bounced off the back of his head and Simon grinned momentarily before crumpling to the ground in a heap. "There. Done and done. Nothing like a good old-fashioned head injury to get rid of those troublesome memories!"

"That wasn't very nice," said Ria disapprovingly.

"Well, duh," said Peter sarcastically. "Julianne! Any luck?"

"No," said Julianne, climbing out of the undergrowth. "He must be long gone by now." She suddenly noticed Peter staring at her. "What? Quit it! Why are you staring?"

"You have a twig in your hair," said Peter, reaching out and untangling it. "See?" He held up the twig to show her.

"Oh. Thanks," said Julianne, smiling slightly.

Peter smiled back. Suddenly, the D.D.D.D. in his pocket began beeping.

"What's that?" asked Julianne.

"The D.D.D.D. levels have skyrocketed!" exclaimed Peter, twiddling all of the dials on the console. Suddenly, the sound of a revving engine appeared in the distance.

"The Bookworm!" shrieked Ria excitedly.

"Only if he's on a maroon motorbike," cautioned Peter. "It could just be a harmless L.G.E.P. agent on patrol."

"We'll find out soon enough," said Ria, watching grimly as a dust cloud appeared on the horizon.

Suddenly a motorbike emerged from the cloud and barrelled past them in a swirl of earth and grit. Peter immediately took off after it, running as fast as he could after the fast-disappearing cloud of dust.

"That's him!" yelled Ria, coughing. "It's a maroon motorbike!"

"I don't know, that's really more of a burgundy," said Elizabeth.

"He runs really strangely," said Julianne contemplatively, pointing at Peter. "It's as if he hasn't quite grown into himself yet."

Ria and Elizabeth looked. Peter did indeed run slightly strangely; he was very tall and thin with long arms and legs, so that the effect achieved by his running was akin to that of watching a cranefly having some kind of violent seizure.

"He is slightly ungainly," conceded Ria, who was very ill disposed towards criticising anyone.

"I think he's lost him," said Elizabeth, pointing. Peter had stopped running and turned back, and he was trudging back towards them clutching a piece of crumpled paper.

"What's that?" asked Julianne as soon as he reached them.

"The Bookworm dropped it," said Peter excitedly. "And now I know where he's going next! Look!" He held out the piece of paper, on which seemed to be written a meaningless series of numbers.

"What's that?" asked Julianne.

"It's the Entry Code for 'Pride and Prejudice,' said Peter. "It's what you type into a portal to get into the story!"

"Oh, wow," breathed Ria. It sounded as if her homework assignment, 'write a diary of 'Pride and Prejudice' from the point of view of a major character,' had just gotten a whole lot easier.

"Come on!" called Peter, who had completed dialling the code into the portal and was now waiting impatiently. The girls quickly scooped up their possessions and jumped through it, closely followed by Peter.