Disclaimer: Marvel's not mine. If it were, Romy would be the main chars and Jott would DIE, DIE I tell you! Sorry. Touchy subject. Oh yeah, and I don't own Wierd Al either.
(An: Ok, yep, it was requested and so it shall be done. My only reviewer on , EviltwinAlix, requested that Logan go crazy again and fall in love with Rodney. I have to change the name, it will be -dun dun dun- RodNA instead of a male because I (for all my Logan torturing) wish to keep him straight, thank you very much. ETA is a very good Romy writer, and unlike all you ppl here, she has come up with suggestions that will keep me busy-busy for a good bit yet! -insert evil laughter- Now, as for you ppl on EE: Suggestions! I'm beggin y'here! ETA may be vair vair useful, but she's not all-powerful! Neither am I but that's not the point! Sugestions! And I would like feed-back on what you guys find funny, so I can RULE THE WORLD, uh I mean make this fic funnier, savvy? Eh heh heh.)
=THE SEWERS, WHERE WE LAST LEFT THE X-MEN= (and the annoying cretin known as Evan)
The X-band members were lost. Lost lost lost. They had no idea where they were, except for the obvious fact that they were somewhere beneath Bayville.
So, being the amiable and somewhat stupid-at-times mutants that they were, they decided to follow Evan instead of poking their heads out of the nearest manhole to find out their locations like, oh say, SANE people. Er, mutants.
"Well guys, we may as well start walkin'," said Evan, getting up.
"Ok, whatevah," said Rogue. "It's not like we're gonna make it outta this with our minds and/or bodies intact, ya know."
"I don't know why you guys are so paranoid," said Evan breezily, "it's not like the author is twisted and sadistic or anything." (-ominous music is heard in the background-)
"Evan! Shut up!" screeched Kurt and Sam.
"Do you really want to end up in her basement?!?"
"What are they going on about?" whispered Evan to Rogue as he slowly inched closer to her.
"Grrr," muttered Remy as he pulled out a few cards.
"Moving," squeaked Evan. (And THAT, my dear kidlets, is my stasis on Evan/Rogue pairings. EW EW EW!)
"Well, see Evan, tha author IS twisted and sadistic, we're just not supposed to know that but we do, due to the first installment of the X-band, also which we're not supposed to know about. But we do, since the author hasn't figured out how to work her mind wipe machine. And considering that she has just added you in and is being decent to you, you're going to end up dieing after being tortured by someone you care about in a long, drawn out torture sequence."
"Wow, that was oddly specific and untainted by your accent Rogue," said Evan.
"Yeah, well, Ah've been readin' tha script more than usual."
"There's a script?" asked Remy.
"But why would they bring that up anyway?" asked Evan.
"Because we're stuck in a running gag, how many tahmes do Ah havta tell ya?"
"Um, okaaaay," said Evan, slowly inching away from Rogue.
"See, Evan, now we're reallah in for it 'cause the author's overplayin' mah accent and she's done a number of bad jokes which will, at best, result in spit takes among her readers. So now we must mentallah prepare ourselves for the real shit."
"You scare me."
Rogue patted Evan's spiky shoulder. "Ah know, Ah know, we're all scared at first. Ya get used to the madness aftah a while, as long as you're not Scott or Jean," said Rogue, shaking her head sadly as she indicated the simpering messes that was Jott. Kitty and Kurt had finished breaking it to them, yep, that's right, they're the author's punch-bunnies in the sequel as well. Of course, they had told that to them at the beginning of the story, but being the poor idiots that they are, it took them this long to figure it out. (Goddammit! I can't stop doing long sentences! -bangs head against the wall- That walls going to have SO many dents by the time I finish this fic.)
So, after that page-long bit of length-a.k.a.-stalling banter, they decided to start walking just then, even though Evan had suggested it at the beginning.
After about 15 or so minutes of walking, Sam heard something... strange, to put it nicely. "Hey," he said, "who's strangling a cat while a chicken's layin' an egg down here while a rabbit gives birth?" (I have been lucky enough to never experience two out of those three things, but listening to a rabbit squeal, oh god it's horrid.)
So anyway, after the X-men digested that curious statement (give 'em time, this is a show directed at 9-14 year olds, it's been dumbed down quite a bit), they realized they understood nothing of what Sam had just said. ". . ."
Sam rolled his eyes. "Alright, what's that awful sound then?"
Remy blinked. "It jus' somebody singin'. Don't anyone else understand it?"
". . ."
"Ve may as vell keep valking. Ve'll meet this arcane plot device vhen ve have to," said Kurt, as indicated by the accent. (Oh dear god, shoot me, just shoot me now! -sobs quietly-)
So they kept walking. As they got closer to "the arcane plot device", as Kurt, a.k.a., the evil and sadistic author, had put it, the noise got louder. And as it got louder, it became easier to pick out words among the tortured sobs and frightened screams.
It appeared to go something like this (if they had only heard it once they wouldn't be able to understand a word, and believe me, this song WILL make at least a moderate amount of sense to the plot. (I use "plot" extremely loosely.). At least, the first line will, anyway. But whoever was singing (ditto) was singing it over and over and over!
"Ooooh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hampster pal
But the sanitation workers didn't really approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story!
Well the very next year he met a dental hygenist
With a spatula tatooed on her arm
-on her arm-
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm
And he spent his life savings on a split-level cave
20 miles below the surface of the earth
-of the earth-
And he really makes a mighty fine jelly-bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth
-for what it's worth-
Then one day Al was in the forest
Tryin' to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on tv
So he gives Al a contract and what do ya know,
Now he's got his very own Wierd Al sho-ooooooow!" (BTW, that song is officially titled "The Wierd Al Show Theme". Yes, my little chiclets, at one time Wierd Al had his own show. Thank God it's out of syndication. But the theme song is strangely addicting. I, thankfully, am too young to remember anything from it except Wierd Al in lederhosen in-you guessed it- a vat of sour cream. It's a rather striking image, really.)
So anyway, as they walked, not only did the words become recognizable but the voice did too. "Oh. Mah. Gawd," said Rogue as she turned a corner.
"What'sa matter, che-" began Remy before he too saw the horrible horrible sight spread before him.
"Logan?" Rogue whispered. "Is that you sugah?"
Yes, you poor tortured soul you, it was Logan. He was sitting there, right beneath an open manhole, sobbing loudly while singing the above mentioned verse. He was surrounded by several bottles of tequila and burboun, and held a guinea pig in his hands. It appeared to be dead. It itself was clutching a tiny bottle of burboun. Logan looked around wildly.. about a minute after Gambit spoke. "Whazzat?" he asked, clutching the guinea pig tighter. "Did you hear somethin' Rodna?"
"Oh mah Lord, Logan! What happened?" Rogue asked.
"I got smashed darlin', ain't that obvious?"
"Grrrrr...," muttered Remy.
"Yoah bein' pretty articulate shug, are ya feelin' alright?"
"Oh yeah, I'm fine, but I'm not so sure 'bout poor Rodna. She hasn't been singing along," he said sadly. "I think she passed out."
"Um, Logan?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I see, er, Rodna for a second?"
Logan glared at her and gathered Rodna to his chest. "No way," he slurred. "Rodna's my love, MINE!" There was a easily-recognizable snikt sound.
"Uh, okaaaay," said Rogue.
Remy tapped her on the shoulder. "Jus' back away slowly, chere, dat's what I do when de badger gets like dis."
"You mean you've seen him like this before?!?"
"We drinkin' buddies, 'member? He musta had a lot," said Remy, eyeing the dozen or so empty bottles of each formerly-mentioned-liquid.
"Let's get outta here befoah anyone else sees 'im, poor soul," said Rogue. "Guys, the next tunnel is caved in."
"But none of the tunnels-" protested Evan before having Rogue do her patented "glare-of-death" at him.
"It's CAVED IN."
"Yes miss boss lady," said Evan.
"Good boy. Ah suggest we give this up. We're not going to find our way to the Morlocks."
"Yeah but-" said Evan.
"We're NOT."
"Ok."
So, the X-men ended up extremely disappointed because not only did they not get to practice, even if they would have they didn't have any instruments, so ner.
(So that was that. I think it might've been longer then usual, but that's because I'm so happy with ETA, savvy? I love you guys on EE but you're NOT helping. Which is bad. Oh, and speaking of ETA, there will be more of Rodna! I leave you with this zany quote: "Release your hold and become one with the nougat sneeze."
