Chapter 4: Author's Bad Day

OK...fourth chapter...meh...here goes nothing...well actually it is something...so here goes something...

...enjoy!!!


Sheen looked at Hermione. "Why are you battering your eyelashes? Are you like cookie batter or something?"

"No..." Hermione began.

Suddenly Jimmy took an onion covered with dog doo and swallowed it whole.

"That thing reeks!" Harry said.

"I know! And it tastes gross too," Jimmy said.

"I was gross once. Because I was the highest grossing film!" Harry said proudly.

Everybody ignored him.

"Why did you have it in your pants? And why'd you eat it?" Ron asked.

"I dunno!" Jimmy said. "Well you're the genius!" Sheen demanded.

Jimmy yawned, and a disgusting smell came out of his mouth.

The kids shrieked and covered her vulnerable noses.

"Your breath seriously stinks!" Carl cried.

Just then Jimmy grabbed Hermione and smooched her on the lips.

Hermione let out a bloodcurdling scream. She shouted, "The pain! The stench! The horror!" Right then Hermione fainted and collapsed.

"There must be something wrong with the writer today!" Harry said.

"OH WRITER? Why did you make me eat a canine feces-covered onion and kiss that weird Her-Hinee girl?" Jimmy called into the sky.

Suddenly Hermione got up from the floor. "My name is HERMIONE! Not Her-Hinee!"

Carl giggled. "But you still got a pretty big Hinee!"

Suddenly a loud low voice bellowed: "ALL OF YOU STUPID FICTIONAL CHARACTERS! SHUT UP! THIS IS YOUR AUTHOR SPEAKING! I GOT A BAD DAY TODAY, GOT IT? SO I'M GONNA TORTURE ALL YOU STUPID CHARACTERS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Nice evil laugh!" Harry called upwards.

"THAT IS NOT MY EVIL LAUGH! THAT'S MY REGULAR LAUGH! THIS IS MY EVIL LAUGH: TEE HEE HEE TEE HEE!" (basically an infant's giggle.)

The writer continued: "FOR MISTAKING MY NORMAL LAUGH FOR AN EVIL ONE, I WILL MAKE YOU SMELL EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE TO SMALL RODENTS!"

Suddenly Harry smelled remarkably like Swiss cheese, and tiny mice, huge hairy rats, adorable wee chipmunks, and fuzzy furry squirrels started attacking the young wizard.

The others watched Harry squirm and scream, rodents all over him.

Hermione let out a little giggle. For some reason, she was enjoying this.

The author bellowed yet again: "YOU, HERMIONE! YOU ARE LAUGHING! I DON'T LIKE LAUGHERS! ONLY I CAN LAUGH! THEREFORE I SHALL TORMENT YOU WITH STRANGE ROMANCE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Oh no! I hate romance!" Hermione cried.

"I SHALL MAKE YOU DATE CLAY AIKEN!"

The spunky funky singer appeared. Hermione squealed.

Clay slicked back his red hair. "OH MY GOD! You are the cutest hunk in the world! Come on! Let's go! McDonald's? Wendy's? Burger King? Or do you prefer a more romantic French atmosphere, like Chez Le Amour? Oh THANK YOU GREAT AUTHOR! Come on Clay! I'm just 'Aiken' for you!" Hermione cried as she slipped her palm into his.

Carl ran up to Clay. "Oh my goodness, Clay Aiken! I'm your biggest fan! You totally should have won. I loved your song! But you know what song you should have song if you really wanted to hit it big and beat that fat sandwich Rueben?"

"What?" Clay asked, a little scared that this kid was acting so gay.

Carl ripped off his pants, revealing checkered boxer shorts.

"I'm too sexy for my shorts...oh yeah!" Carl sang.

"Oh writer, why do you subject us to such...gayness?" Jimmy shouted in anguish.

"I TOLD YOU, I'M HAVING A BAD DAY! NOW HERMIONE, SINCE YOU FIND CLAY SUCH A HOTTIE, I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO MAKE YOU DATE NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM!"

Clay disappeared, and Neville arrived in his place. Hermione shrieked and ran away, Neville crying as he followed her, "Hermione, come back! I have a toad for you to meet!"

The author decided to go on:

"NOW CARL, BECAUSE YOU HELPED YOU ME WITH MY TORTURE BY DOING YOUR LITTLE BALLAD FOR US, I WILL REWARD YOU BY ALLOWING YOU TO JOIN THE FAB FIVE ON QUEER EYE 4 THE STRAIGHT GUY!"

Carl giggled, clapped his hands, and disappeared in a puff.

Jimmy, Sheen, Harry, and Ron were left. "OK, let's go before we get in trouble," Sheen said. The others agreed and were about to leave the common room when they heard someone outside the fat lady's picture.

They opened to door to find a pretty handsome man with reddish-golden locks, with a bag of locks and keys.

Harry and Ron suddenly gasped. "Lockhart!"

"Yes, I do believe that is my name! Lockhart's locks and keys at your service! My dear friend Dumbledore told me that I suffered from some sort of memory loss! So I have decided to go into the locksmith business! So are any of you fine young men interested in getting something opened? Or maybe the key to a girl's heart? I have some wonderful poems to give to the love of your life! Here, come and listen:

I am in love with a girl

She does not make me hurl

She is pretty

She is a human, not a kitty

She is a babe

And I think she is hot.

Even though she is not.

Sheen wiped a tear away. "Oh my gosh that is the most spectacular poem I have ever heard! I must buy ten of your poems!"

Jimmy, Harry, and Ron left Sheen behind while he listened to the awful poetry.

The three boys were walking in the hallway when the author decided to start talking to the characters again.

"YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING. JIMMY, YOUR HEAD IS WAY TOO BIG FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. I THINK I'LL GET MY OLD FRIEND TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME..."

Just then Professor Snape appeared in the hallway. "I've gotten a call from my friend to do a special spell on one of you..." he said in his cold and raspy voice.

"Who the heck are you?" Jimmy asked.

"Your worst nightmare!" Snape cackled.

Harry and Ron screamed as they ran and hid in a small corridor, watching the scene.

Snape moved his arms in a circular motion and said some strange words that sounded like a forbidden Island Spell.

Suddenly Jimmy's head shrunk to the size of a baby's butt. His head was so small that his voice sounded high and squeaky like a bug. Also, his brain size shrunk too, making him as stupid as a Carl.

"Hey! My head is tiny! I like sunflower seeds! Someday I want to marry Amanda Bynes! Ha! My voice is so high you can't hear me! So I can reveal my darkest secrets and you can't hear me! Ha! I'm not really smart at all! Goddard invents everything, I just play along! I bought Goddard at a flea market! In my spare time, I love doing aqua yoga! Hee hee!" Jimmy said.

"You know, Jimmy, we can hear you. Your voice isn't THAT high," Ron said.

"Yes it is!"

"No it's not."

"Yah hah!"

"If it is, how do I know you just said Yah hah?"

"How do I know, you're magic! Hey! I'm going to play with my Barbies now!"

Jimmy sat down and took two Barbies out of his pocket. He moved them up on down, making one Barbie say: "I love your blonde hair Barbie!" The other Barbie then said: "I love yours too!" The Barbie said: "Let's go shopping!" "OK!" the other said. Jimmy's small head giggled.

"Wow. That was weird. Let's go eat," Ron said. Harry and Ron left Jimmy and went down to the Great Hall.