Part 3
She wakes to light streaming into her face. Her head is killing her. Putting a hand to her forehead, it comes back covered in blood. She stares at it, uncomprehending.
How did she get here?
She starts to shiver, in spite of the heat of the mid-day sun. It is only then that she realizes that she is lying in a pool of water. Sitting up, she groans, her head aching even more intensely than moments before.
She manages to look around, stares at the trees around her, frowns slightly. Where is she? She can hear running water nearby, staggers to her feet and finds herself on a river bank. No memory stirs. She does not remember the river, nor why she is next to it.
She searches her mind for an explanation. It is only then that she realizes there is nothing there. All she knows are the following things: she is wet, her stomach is growling, she can smell something burning and she can hear a bird chirping in a tree nearby. She knows for certain it is a sparrow. She remembers going on a bird-watching expedition when she was in sixth grade, that her teacher loved identifying the different calls.
How can she remember this when she cannot remember her own name?
***
Beth sighs heavily as she places the key in the lock to the apartment she shares with Zan. She knows that he is working tonight, and that she will have the place to herself for a while. She is glad. As much as she loves him, she is tired, and needs some time alone. She has deliberately waited to come home so that he will be gone. She cannot bear the concern he seems to wear permanently these days.
She is worried enough herself. She doesn't need the pressure of constantly reassuring him right now. Before pushing the door open, she allows herself to lean her forehead very briefly against the door frame, feels the wood scratch her skin, knows that it is real.
In the beginning, her five senses saved her. She still knew something. She remembered what pizza smelt like, was sure that she liked listening to music, was certain that the taste of Tabasco made her gag, remembered that being able to see the stars in the sky was magical, knew what it was like when someone's fingers lovingly brushed the palm of your hand.
Even now, when she is upset, she returns to her five senses for security. She reaches out to the world around her and concentrates on what is, and not on what was.
Why? Why now? Why have the dreams started again?
She used to have them all the time. When she found Zan - when she fell in love with him - they gradually disappeared, as she began to feel safe and that there was a place for her in the world after all.
He was the first person she remembered. Although, it wasn't a memory at all, was it? Because they had never met. Not before. She dreamed him into existence. Or so he tells her.
And, yet, she thinks that this may not be true. That her dreams are not memories at all, but premonitions of a tragedy still to come.
She needs to know. She needs to know what came before.
Before. Before and After. After.
There is no "in between."
Only before the accident. And after. Only before Zan and after.
She lives in 'after.' She wants to stop yearning for 'before.'
If she cannot remember 'before' alone, then she will accept help. There is no choice now.
Tonight. Tonight she will finally eradicate 'before.' She is determined. This has to end. She can no longer allow the uncertainty; can no longer hurt Zan.
She needs to know.
She needs to know why, if she has found him, does she still dream of finding him?
She will sleep now. She will sleep and Lonnie will come and she will know.
And when Zan returns, it will be over. Lonnie will help and, finally, she will be able to live in 'after.'
***
It is not to be.
When she enters the apartment, she cannot call Lonnie because Zan is home. He has not gone to work. Beth stares at him, uncertain. Why has he chosen tonight of all nights to call in sick? Does he not know that she needs to do this alone?
Of course, he knows nothing. How can he know? She has not told him. She has planned to call Lonnie on her own, not wanting to get his hopes up.
But not tonight. It is too late. Because he has a surprise. They are going out.
She cannot help it. She is happy. She is relieved. She does not yet have to give up on 'before.'
"Where are we going?" she asks, teasing him, trying to get him to give in. But he will not.
"It's a surprise," he whispers into her hair. "Go get dressed."
"Casual or dressy?" she demands, kissing him lightly.
"Casual/dressy," Zan replies, grinning. Beth smiles back. They share the private joke.
At one time, Zan and dressy would not have mixed. Zan and casual/dressy would not have mixed. In fact, he is still mostly 'casual.' He is no longer 'punk,' like he once was, but he always needs a shave, and sometimes Beth wishes he would cut his hair a little shorter. But, he is Zan, and he now knows what casual/dressy is. She has taught him this because he wanted to learn it for her. How she knew enough to teach him, she is unsure, but it is one of the things she does know. Since the moment they met, Beth knew who Zan could be.
And, yet, she knows that, though he likes who he is now, he will never change entirely. He will always be a little rough around the edges. She deals with it, although there is something that feels wrong about it. Just like last night, when she could not allow him to comfort her after her nightmare, there is always something a little [I]off[/I] about Zan.
Beth stares into the mirror over her dresser, frowns a little.
She is a bad person for even thinking such a thing. He loves her. She knows that she loves him. He is literally the man of her dreams. It is why she has finally decided to go to Lonnie for help. She can not stand living with this wrongness any longer. She knows that when 'before' is gone, it will all feel right.
They are on the back of his motorcycle, and well on their way, before she begins to suspect where they are going. She realizes that she never had a chance to be alone tonight, that he has planned this for weeks. Because the concert has been sold out for that long, since the day the tickets went on sale.
He is taking her to see her favorite singer. The one whose voice speaks to her soul in a way she has never experienced before. The new star whose latest hit is at the top of the charts, but who, for Beth, sings to her alone.
It is like him to have done this. He has dedicated his entire life to making her dreams come true, since the day he saved her two years ago. Ava once told her that he was always waiting for her, that they all knew it, and it was a relief when he finally found her. That they knew she was the one from the very beginning, because Zan changed entirely, as soon as he met her.
Before Beth, he was sullen, moody, restless, but mostly he was afraid. Always afraid. Afraid that she did not exist. Now he is content, at peace. They are all happier since she came, because she has helped Zan become the man he was meant to be.
Or so Ava says. Beth sometimes wonders if Ava really believes it. She sees the way Ava looks at him, the love that shines from her blue eyes for the man she calls 'brother.' It is not sisterly, this love, is not like what exists between Lonnie and Zan.
But tonight is not about Ava and, so, she pushes her friend from her mind. Tonight is about Zan and what he has done for her. Not just the concert, but everything. He has given her a home; he has given her love. The least she can do is let him know how much it all means to her. She lays her head against his back, wraps her arms more tightly around his waist.
Zan manages to squeeze his bike into a parking spot near the entrance to the Garden. Excitement is in the air. Beth can feel the electricity of it come over her. It is as if the entire world is waiting. She laughs slightly to herself that she should feel so energized by a concert. Maybe it is because this feels new. She expects that she has been to concerts before, but she does not remember. In 'after,' this is her first time.
Zan is eager too. She can feel him trembling slightly when he takes her hand, starting to pull her through the crowd, toward the gate. Beth feels a flash of affection for him. He does not like the same kind of music as her. He is excited because she is. It is why he bought the tickets, even though they really can't afford them. He knew how much this would mean to her. How much it does mean to her.
Their seats are good ones. They are near the front, but up off the floor. He knows her well, knows that she would not like to be among the crowded masses below. It was why he had taken her hand outside, too. She does not do well in large groups of people. She has never shared her fear that she will be confronted by her past - that in a large crowd, someone who knows her may jump out at her, bringing reality back to her life before she is ready. But he has always understood her.
He, of course, does not know that she is finally ready. That, at last, she wants to deal with 'before,' so that they can move on in 'after' without the haunting fear that this cannot last.
Zan's arm is around her, as the lights go out in the arena. Beth nestles more closely into the security of his embrace, closes her eyes briefly, waiting for her idol to emerge, to take her away with the purity of her voice, with the deep feeling and mystification of her lyrics. Beth does not know why they speak to her so, but they do, as though they were written for her.
She is ready for one last night in the unknown. Tomorrow 'before' will no longer be a mystery. For now, she is happy to have Maria Deluca provide the enigmatic soundtrack to her life.
Tomorrow it will all change. There will be no more need for the songs that have sustained her. She will, finally, know.
Later, looking back, Beth knows that it was Zan who noticed them first. She doesn't realize it at the time, but it is the reason that he tenses under her. Her eyes snap open and she looks at him curiously, but her attention is attracted back to the show. A lone searchlight is sweeping the stage, then jumps back into the crowd. It is being followed by a camera, the faces of the spectators, under the light's glare, projecting across a giant screen at the back of the stage.
Then it happens. The spotlight is panning across the section in which they are seated. For one, brief, moment it stops directly on them. Beth closes her eyes against the glare, but she cannot help but smile. It is as if she has been sitting in the dark forever, and the spotlight is like being pulled out into the sun.
As the light moves away, Beth realizes that she is, indeed, literally being pulled to her feet. Zan has her firmly by the upper arm. He is, in fact, hurting her, as he drags her past the others in their row, and onto the stairs leading to the exit.
"Zan!" She does not understand. What has happened? The concert is only beginning. They are going to miss Maria's entrance. In fact, she can hear the crowd cheer, as the singer they love takes to the stage, breaking immediately into her most recent hit.
As always, Beth is transported by the haunting lyrics. She fights against Zan, turns on the stairs, and takes in the superstar, Maria Deluca, who is even more ethereal and beautiful in real life than she appears on the cover of her C.D., than she seems in her videos. The singer is standing alone in the middle of the giant stage, the single spotlight now trained on her alone.
Gone, but not forgotten, You left us alone. You were the best of us, always. Your loss still hurts to the bone.
We know you're gone forever, But we'll see you again someday. Even though it cannot happen in this world, We still wish it could and pray.
Beth feels her heart crack down the middle, as it does whenever she listens to "Gone". She is frozen on the steps. Zan is still tugging on her arm, but she wrenches away from him, taking two steps back toward their seats, her entire attention focused on the singer.
The song is so much more raw sung live. It is, in fact, a living thing, tearing into Beth, making her weak in the knees, so that she simply seats herself on the stairs.
She knows the story behind the song, of course. Everyone does. She has seen Maria interviewed enough times about the lyrics, knows that it is dedicated to two friends who died in a car crash in high school. One of the victims was Maria's best friend, the other, the best friend's boyfriend. The loss the singer reveals in the song pierced Beth's soul from the moment she first heard it. She has known loss too, if in a different way. She has lost everything that existed before the accident, just as Maria lost her friends. The singer expresses Beth's own innermost despair, in a way Beth has never been quite able to understand.
The song is about hope, too, though. It is about going on. It was the deaths of her friends that prompted Maria to pursue her singing career, knowing that life was short. That it had to be lived. It was this song, even before it became a hit single, which prompted Beth to take a chance with Zan. After everything that has happened to her, after being alone for so long, she was able to trust again.
She feels her heart enter her throat as the song continues.
We have survived without you, In spite of all our pain. We would give it all up to see you, For even one instant in the rain.
You would not have wanted tears. You would not have wanted grief. You would be happy that we are living, Because your lives were all too brief.
"Babe, please. We need to go."
She feels Zan's gentle hands under her elbows, helping her to her feet. She allows him to lead her out into the concourse, too weakened by the power of the song to resist him any longer.
Later she knows that she was mesmerized for a reason. It was fate stepping in, fate giving them a chance to make their way through the crowd, fate bringing her back to them.
She does not know this now. All she knows is that she and Zan are abruptly confronted by a small group of people, all of them staring.
Taking them in, Beth realizes there are three who should not be staring as though they have never seen them before. After all, she just spoke to Ava on the phone several hours before. She, and Lonnie, and Rath, knew that they were coming to the concert.
Why are Rath and Lonnie at a Maria Deluca concert, anyway? They hate the singer, tease Beth mercilessly about her, until Zan steps in and makes them stop.
But it is not Rath, nor Lonnie, nor Ava who speaks. Instead it is a tall, dark-haired young man. He steps forward, looking as though he has seen a ghost. It is only later that she understands that he has.
He reaches out a shaky hand, touching her face gently. She knows that she should take a step back, that he is being far too familiar, but she does not. She feels at peace, does not feel threatened. Suddenly, she understands why. Because he speaks, his voice cracking slightly. He calls her by a name that tells her all she needs to know.
This young man knows who she really is.
And, finally, so does she.
"Liz."
She wakes to light streaming into her face. Her head is killing her. Putting a hand to her forehead, it comes back covered in blood. She stares at it, uncomprehending.
How did she get here?
She starts to shiver, in spite of the heat of the mid-day sun. It is only then that she realizes that she is lying in a pool of water. Sitting up, she groans, her head aching even more intensely than moments before.
She manages to look around, stares at the trees around her, frowns slightly. Where is she? She can hear running water nearby, staggers to her feet and finds herself on a river bank. No memory stirs. She does not remember the river, nor why she is next to it.
She searches her mind for an explanation. It is only then that she realizes there is nothing there. All she knows are the following things: she is wet, her stomach is growling, she can smell something burning and she can hear a bird chirping in a tree nearby. She knows for certain it is a sparrow. She remembers going on a bird-watching expedition when she was in sixth grade, that her teacher loved identifying the different calls.
How can she remember this when she cannot remember her own name?
***
Beth sighs heavily as she places the key in the lock to the apartment she shares with Zan. She knows that he is working tonight, and that she will have the place to herself for a while. She is glad. As much as she loves him, she is tired, and needs some time alone. She has deliberately waited to come home so that he will be gone. She cannot bear the concern he seems to wear permanently these days.
She is worried enough herself. She doesn't need the pressure of constantly reassuring him right now. Before pushing the door open, she allows herself to lean her forehead very briefly against the door frame, feels the wood scratch her skin, knows that it is real.
In the beginning, her five senses saved her. She still knew something. She remembered what pizza smelt like, was sure that she liked listening to music, was certain that the taste of Tabasco made her gag, remembered that being able to see the stars in the sky was magical, knew what it was like when someone's fingers lovingly brushed the palm of your hand.
Even now, when she is upset, she returns to her five senses for security. She reaches out to the world around her and concentrates on what is, and not on what was.
Why? Why now? Why have the dreams started again?
She used to have them all the time. When she found Zan - when she fell in love with him - they gradually disappeared, as she began to feel safe and that there was a place for her in the world after all.
He was the first person she remembered. Although, it wasn't a memory at all, was it? Because they had never met. Not before. She dreamed him into existence. Or so he tells her.
And, yet, she thinks that this may not be true. That her dreams are not memories at all, but premonitions of a tragedy still to come.
She needs to know. She needs to know what came before.
Before. Before and After. After.
There is no "in between."
Only before the accident. And after. Only before Zan and after.
She lives in 'after.' She wants to stop yearning for 'before.'
If she cannot remember 'before' alone, then she will accept help. There is no choice now.
Tonight. Tonight she will finally eradicate 'before.' She is determined. This has to end. She can no longer allow the uncertainty; can no longer hurt Zan.
She needs to know.
She needs to know why, if she has found him, does she still dream of finding him?
She will sleep now. She will sleep and Lonnie will come and she will know.
And when Zan returns, it will be over. Lonnie will help and, finally, she will be able to live in 'after.'
***
It is not to be.
When she enters the apartment, she cannot call Lonnie because Zan is home. He has not gone to work. Beth stares at him, uncertain. Why has he chosen tonight of all nights to call in sick? Does he not know that she needs to do this alone?
Of course, he knows nothing. How can he know? She has not told him. She has planned to call Lonnie on her own, not wanting to get his hopes up.
But not tonight. It is too late. Because he has a surprise. They are going out.
She cannot help it. She is happy. She is relieved. She does not yet have to give up on 'before.'
"Where are we going?" she asks, teasing him, trying to get him to give in. But he will not.
"It's a surprise," he whispers into her hair. "Go get dressed."
"Casual or dressy?" she demands, kissing him lightly.
"Casual/dressy," Zan replies, grinning. Beth smiles back. They share the private joke.
At one time, Zan and dressy would not have mixed. Zan and casual/dressy would not have mixed. In fact, he is still mostly 'casual.' He is no longer 'punk,' like he once was, but he always needs a shave, and sometimes Beth wishes he would cut his hair a little shorter. But, he is Zan, and he now knows what casual/dressy is. She has taught him this because he wanted to learn it for her. How she knew enough to teach him, she is unsure, but it is one of the things she does know. Since the moment they met, Beth knew who Zan could be.
And, yet, she knows that, though he likes who he is now, he will never change entirely. He will always be a little rough around the edges. She deals with it, although there is something that feels wrong about it. Just like last night, when she could not allow him to comfort her after her nightmare, there is always something a little [I]off[/I] about Zan.
Beth stares into the mirror over her dresser, frowns a little.
She is a bad person for even thinking such a thing. He loves her. She knows that she loves him. He is literally the man of her dreams. It is why she has finally decided to go to Lonnie for help. She can not stand living with this wrongness any longer. She knows that when 'before' is gone, it will all feel right.
They are on the back of his motorcycle, and well on their way, before she begins to suspect where they are going. She realizes that she never had a chance to be alone tonight, that he has planned this for weeks. Because the concert has been sold out for that long, since the day the tickets went on sale.
He is taking her to see her favorite singer. The one whose voice speaks to her soul in a way she has never experienced before. The new star whose latest hit is at the top of the charts, but who, for Beth, sings to her alone.
It is like him to have done this. He has dedicated his entire life to making her dreams come true, since the day he saved her two years ago. Ava once told her that he was always waiting for her, that they all knew it, and it was a relief when he finally found her. That they knew she was the one from the very beginning, because Zan changed entirely, as soon as he met her.
Before Beth, he was sullen, moody, restless, but mostly he was afraid. Always afraid. Afraid that she did not exist. Now he is content, at peace. They are all happier since she came, because she has helped Zan become the man he was meant to be.
Or so Ava says. Beth sometimes wonders if Ava really believes it. She sees the way Ava looks at him, the love that shines from her blue eyes for the man she calls 'brother.' It is not sisterly, this love, is not like what exists between Lonnie and Zan.
But tonight is not about Ava and, so, she pushes her friend from her mind. Tonight is about Zan and what he has done for her. Not just the concert, but everything. He has given her a home; he has given her love. The least she can do is let him know how much it all means to her. She lays her head against his back, wraps her arms more tightly around his waist.
Zan manages to squeeze his bike into a parking spot near the entrance to the Garden. Excitement is in the air. Beth can feel the electricity of it come over her. It is as if the entire world is waiting. She laughs slightly to herself that she should feel so energized by a concert. Maybe it is because this feels new. She expects that she has been to concerts before, but she does not remember. In 'after,' this is her first time.
Zan is eager too. She can feel him trembling slightly when he takes her hand, starting to pull her through the crowd, toward the gate. Beth feels a flash of affection for him. He does not like the same kind of music as her. He is excited because she is. It is why he bought the tickets, even though they really can't afford them. He knew how much this would mean to her. How much it does mean to her.
Their seats are good ones. They are near the front, but up off the floor. He knows her well, knows that she would not like to be among the crowded masses below. It was why he had taken her hand outside, too. She does not do well in large groups of people. She has never shared her fear that she will be confronted by her past - that in a large crowd, someone who knows her may jump out at her, bringing reality back to her life before she is ready. But he has always understood her.
He, of course, does not know that she is finally ready. That, at last, she wants to deal with 'before,' so that they can move on in 'after' without the haunting fear that this cannot last.
Zan's arm is around her, as the lights go out in the arena. Beth nestles more closely into the security of his embrace, closes her eyes briefly, waiting for her idol to emerge, to take her away with the purity of her voice, with the deep feeling and mystification of her lyrics. Beth does not know why they speak to her so, but they do, as though they were written for her.
She is ready for one last night in the unknown. Tomorrow 'before' will no longer be a mystery. For now, she is happy to have Maria Deluca provide the enigmatic soundtrack to her life.
Tomorrow it will all change. There will be no more need for the songs that have sustained her. She will, finally, know.
Later, looking back, Beth knows that it was Zan who noticed them first. She doesn't realize it at the time, but it is the reason that he tenses under her. Her eyes snap open and she looks at him curiously, but her attention is attracted back to the show. A lone searchlight is sweeping the stage, then jumps back into the crowd. It is being followed by a camera, the faces of the spectators, under the light's glare, projecting across a giant screen at the back of the stage.
Then it happens. The spotlight is panning across the section in which they are seated. For one, brief, moment it stops directly on them. Beth closes her eyes against the glare, but she cannot help but smile. It is as if she has been sitting in the dark forever, and the spotlight is like being pulled out into the sun.
As the light moves away, Beth realizes that she is, indeed, literally being pulled to her feet. Zan has her firmly by the upper arm. He is, in fact, hurting her, as he drags her past the others in their row, and onto the stairs leading to the exit.
"Zan!" She does not understand. What has happened? The concert is only beginning. They are going to miss Maria's entrance. In fact, she can hear the crowd cheer, as the singer they love takes to the stage, breaking immediately into her most recent hit.
As always, Beth is transported by the haunting lyrics. She fights against Zan, turns on the stairs, and takes in the superstar, Maria Deluca, who is even more ethereal and beautiful in real life than she appears on the cover of her C.D., than she seems in her videos. The singer is standing alone in the middle of the giant stage, the single spotlight now trained on her alone.
Gone, but not forgotten, You left us alone. You were the best of us, always. Your loss still hurts to the bone.
We know you're gone forever, But we'll see you again someday. Even though it cannot happen in this world, We still wish it could and pray.
Beth feels her heart crack down the middle, as it does whenever she listens to "Gone". She is frozen on the steps. Zan is still tugging on her arm, but she wrenches away from him, taking two steps back toward their seats, her entire attention focused on the singer.
The song is so much more raw sung live. It is, in fact, a living thing, tearing into Beth, making her weak in the knees, so that she simply seats herself on the stairs.
She knows the story behind the song, of course. Everyone does. She has seen Maria interviewed enough times about the lyrics, knows that it is dedicated to two friends who died in a car crash in high school. One of the victims was Maria's best friend, the other, the best friend's boyfriend. The loss the singer reveals in the song pierced Beth's soul from the moment she first heard it. She has known loss too, if in a different way. She has lost everything that existed before the accident, just as Maria lost her friends. The singer expresses Beth's own innermost despair, in a way Beth has never been quite able to understand.
The song is about hope, too, though. It is about going on. It was the deaths of her friends that prompted Maria to pursue her singing career, knowing that life was short. That it had to be lived. It was this song, even before it became a hit single, which prompted Beth to take a chance with Zan. After everything that has happened to her, after being alone for so long, she was able to trust again.
She feels her heart enter her throat as the song continues.
We have survived without you, In spite of all our pain. We would give it all up to see you, For even one instant in the rain.
You would not have wanted tears. You would not have wanted grief. You would be happy that we are living, Because your lives were all too brief.
"Babe, please. We need to go."
She feels Zan's gentle hands under her elbows, helping her to her feet. She allows him to lead her out into the concourse, too weakened by the power of the song to resist him any longer.
Later she knows that she was mesmerized for a reason. It was fate stepping in, fate giving them a chance to make their way through the crowd, fate bringing her back to them.
She does not know this now. All she knows is that she and Zan are abruptly confronted by a small group of people, all of them staring.
Taking them in, Beth realizes there are three who should not be staring as though they have never seen them before. After all, she just spoke to Ava on the phone several hours before. She, and Lonnie, and Rath, knew that they were coming to the concert.
Why are Rath and Lonnie at a Maria Deluca concert, anyway? They hate the singer, tease Beth mercilessly about her, until Zan steps in and makes them stop.
But it is not Rath, nor Lonnie, nor Ava who speaks. Instead it is a tall, dark-haired young man. He steps forward, looking as though he has seen a ghost. It is only later that she understands that he has.
He reaches out a shaky hand, touching her face gently. She knows that she should take a step back, that he is being far too familiar, but she does not. She feels at peace, does not feel threatened. Suddenly, she understands why. Because he speaks, his voice cracking slightly. He calls her by a name that tells her all she needs to know.
This young man knows who she really is.
And, finally, so does she.
"Liz."
