Part 5

She hitches a ride. She knows that it is not safe, but she cannot believe that the young couple in the Honda Civic are more dangerous than Pierce. Even his name implies what he will do to her should he find her.

The girl in the passenger seat turns her head, then shifts her whole body around so she can look at Liz over the seat. "Are you from Roswell?" the girl asks. "You look familiar."

"No," she replies curtly. She does not want to admit that she does not know where she is from. "Is that where we are?"

The girl looks at her boyfriend, frowning slightly, then answers, "Close to there."

"I'm from Albuquerque," she says quickly. She knows that Roswell is in New Mexico, and that it is famous for aliens. She also knows that Albuquerque is the closest big city, that it will be the best place to lose herself for a while. How she knows all this, when she does not even know her name, she still cannot answer.

Of course, this is the next question out of the girl's mouth. Or at least it is implied that she should know her own name when the girl introduces herself. "I'm Lisa, this is Jake."

She swallows, frantically searching her mind. Why can't she remember? Finally she settles on the most innocuous name she can think of. "I'm Beth."

And, from that moment on, that is who she becomes. She adds Perkins at the women's shelter, where she spends her first night, directed there from a homeless shelter. She lies to get in, saying that she is eighteen, and that she is running from an abusive boyfriend. She does not feel that it is an untruth, exactly. She might be eighteen. She has no idea how old she is. And they believe that she was abused, based on the state in which she presents herself on their doorstep. Somewhere deep inside, she knows that, though she has not been the victim of any boyfriend, if she allows herself to be found, her fate will be even worse. She somehow understands that her life depends on staying hidden until she can figure out a way to get out of the state. She needs to put as much distance between herself and Pierce as she can.

She needs money. The shelter gets her a job at the university. She works as a file clerk in the back of the office of the Dean of Students. Her coworkers understand that they are not to give her name to anyone, not that anyone would know Beth Perkins anyway. She keeps to herself at the shelter, and at work. She does not think that they suspect that she has no idea who she is. This is important. She must remain unknown until she can find a way out of the city. A girl with no memory would not remain anonymous for long.

Within a month she has enough cash to buy a ticket to some far-off destination. She decides on New York City, because she remembers that she has always wanted to go there. She feels frustration at this. Why does she remember such things? Why can she not remember who Pierce is? Why can't she remember what he wants with her?

She leaves for New York, on the bus, two months after she woke up on the river-bank. She does not remember who she is, suspects that she never will, and decides that it is time to start a new life.

When the bus crosses the state line, she does not look back at New Mexico.

***

"Max." Beth says it without thinking, stands up, the truth of it so obvious, she can't believe that it took her so long to realize it. He is the one. He is the one she needs. She has lost her memory, but she knows this to be true. He is the only one who can help her. He is the only one she wants.

She needs to find him.

"Do you remember him, Liz?"

"No," Beth says quietly. She sees Isabel wilt slightly, as though this is a disappointment she cannot bear. It is as if the thought that Beth does not remember Max has killed him all over again. But Beth knows that none of it matters. Isabel will understand soon enough. She continues urgently, "I don't remember him, but I don't have to." She glances at Zan, knows that if she pursues this, she will be irrevocably changing everything between them.

This seems to upset Isabel even more. "Because you've replaced him?" she snaps, moving forward slightly, almost threatening. Beth does not move, just stares at her. "He's dead, so you just replace him with another model?"

"Isabel," Alex says, moving to hold her back, but Michael has beaten her. Max's sister collapses again, this time into the Rath look-alike's arms.

"I..." Beth is overwhelmed by the taller woman's grief. She can no longer understand it. Not after what she realizes her dreams have been telling her. She has not known that she has been grieving Isabel's brother for five years, but now she understands that she doesn't need to. She also knows that she doesn't need to remember him because she never forgot him. Not really. Finally, she simply blurts, "He's alive."

She turns her head, meeting Zan's eyes. He is staring at her dully, the light that she has always seen in his gaze when he looks at her, extinguished. "He's alive," she whispers. "He is alive and he is not you."

***

Maria insists that Beth spend the night with her at her hotel, and Beth gratefully accepts. She feels safe with this woman, is sad to realize that she no longer feels that way with Zan. She knows that, by not going home with him, she is running from her problems again, but before she can decide about him, she needs to know exactly who she is. She needs to know what happened to her.

She also wants to know the truth about the doubles. It seems clear that the Roswell aliens have known about the New York foursome for years, although no one says this, nor explains how. Beth does not quite understand any of it. She knows how lonely Zan, and Ava, and Lonnie, and Rath have always been. It would have been good for them to know others like them.

But, then she remembers that she suspects Zan knew about Michael, and Isabel, and Tess, all along, too. That Zan has kept this knowledge quiet because, perhaps, he knew that she belonged in Roswell, and not with him.

Michael, their general, seems to suspect this as well, because he demands to accompany Zan back to meet the others. Tess will go with him. Zan accepts this without argument, although Beth can tell that he knows that they are suspicious of him, that they want more information about how long he has known her. Kyle decides to go, too, but Isabel and Alex will stay with Maria and Beth. Max's sister wants to know more about Beth's gut feeling that her brother is alive. Beth senses that, for Alex, the reason for staying behind is much more simple. He doesn't want to leave her. Not when they have just found her again. It makes her feel warm inside.

Before he leaves the hotel, Zan asks to speak with Beth alone. In spite of the fact that she now knows she has been wrong to trust him, something in his face makes it so that she cannot refuse him. She accompanies him into the hallway.

"I never knew for sure, you know," he says quietly. "I swear I didn't."

"But you knew about them? You saw them on the big screen at the concert, and you knew they'd recognize me, too." Which is almost as bad. Because she has always told him that she feels like she has known him forever. She has told him that the first time she laid eyes on him, she almost recognized him. He has to have known, somewhere inside, aware of the duplicates' existence - aware of Max's existence - that it wasn't him she knew. That he was not the right person. "You tried to hide me from them."

He does not answer the last, because it is obvious. Instead, he says, "Our protector told us about them." He sounds bitter. "Before he left."

"Do you think they knew about you?"

"Since he deserted us for them, I'm thinking they probably knew," Zan replies. "Their protector was killed somehow. Looking after them was a promotion for him. He couldn't get out of here fast enough."

"A promotion?" Beth is confused. Both by the existence of the doubles, and by the idea that one set might be more important than the other.

"He told us that if anything ever happens to them, we will take their place. But that it was his job to make sure that was never necessary, because we were such failures." Zan's jaw is clenched. She can tell that their protector's disdain hurts him still. Because, after all, whatever they lacked before had been entirely because their protector had not 'protected' them at all, but had left them largely to their own devices. She feels a tremor, remembering the first time she met Ava...and Zan. She pushes it aside, because now is not the time for sympathy.

For once, it has to be about her.

She returns to her questions. "Take their place?" she asks. "Take his place, with me? Why?"

"No, not with you." He looks at the ground. "I didn't...I mean, I hoped that it wasn't like that." He swallows visibly, and Beth feels her heart go out to him in spite of herself. She knows that he loves her. She has always known it. And, she does love him too. Of course, she does. She has lived with him for two years.

But she still cannot go home with him tonight. Nor can she say anything to reassure him.

"They have the granolith," he adds, seeming to want to change the subject. Somehow they are both aware of the fact that, until she knows the absolute truth about who his double, Max, was to her, they cannot discuss anything about their relationship.

"What does that even mean?" Beth asks. She has overheard Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath discussing the granolith, but they have never explained it to her.

"It means that he was the real king," Zan snaps. "It means that I'm just the sub waiting on the side-line, in case something happens to him. That's why Langley left. He wanted the real deal, not the copy."

Beth decides to ignore the implication that he thinks that she must feel the same way, now that she knows that there is another. She refuses to allow him to make her feel guilty. She can not feel guilty - not for being who she is. She does not know anything about Liz Parker, but she does know that she wants to find out. And she has every right to.

"Did you know that they thought he was dead?" Beth demands. "Isn't there some way you should have known? I mean, if you are to replace him, shouldn't there be some kind of signal between all of you? Or at least between you and him?"

"You'd think," Zan mutters flatly. He then looks up. "How are you so sure he isn't? Dead, I mean," Zan demands.

"He's not," Beth replies. "You know he isn't. You've known it all along, and you didn't do anything to help me find him." The words escape her lips before she can stop herself. She sees them pierce him, like the daggers she somehow knows she has meant them to be. She feels instant remorse, but it cannot be taken back.

She cannot change that she has always felt that he was wrong. She cannot change that he has always known it. She cannot change that they both now think they know why.

She cannot change that what has happened has changed everything.

"I didn't know for sure," Zan replies, his voice even. He is not angry. He is good. He knows that she did not mean it. He also knows that there is no going back. Not now. So he goes forward and says what they have both been trying to avoid having to say. "I swear I did not know that you and he were..." He trails off, as though, suddenly, he loses his nerve, and cannot acknowledge what must have been.

"I don't know either," Beth reminds him. She gestures behind her. "That's what I'm here to find out."

For a long moment, their eyes meet. Finally he says, "You know."

With that, he turns on his heel, and walks away.