Part 8
Zan stays with her for another hour. There are too many questions, so she asks none of them. Instead, they stay silent, and she revels in the fullest sense of security she has felt since waking up on the river bank over two years before. Before he leaves, he squeezes her hand, and tells her that he will explain everything when she leaves the hospital. In spite of the years she has waited for him to return, she is satisfied with this explanation.
No nightmares come that night. She sleeps in true peace for the first time since she arrived in New York.
It is only in the morning that she even begins to question how it is possible that the knife has not done more damage. She stands on the edge of the bath tub in her hospital room, lifts her gown, and stares at the perfect skin on her abdomen. There is no bandage, nor is there a mark. It as though there was never a knife at all. She frowns.
When Zan returns to accompany her home, she is sitting in a chair near the window, staring out. She does not turn her head, knowing that if she meets his eyes, she will not have the courage to ask him what she must. "Why am I here?" she demands quietly. "I know it's not because of what happened in the alley."
"No," Zan agrees. "It was because you wouldn't wake up. We were worried that you hit your head when you fell."
"We?" She remembers that yesterday he also implied that he was not the only one who brought her to the hospital.
"My sisters and me."
She remembers one of his sisters from that day in the bus station. It reinforces to her just how much he has changed since then. She finally turns to look at him. "You sound different." She knows that it is a strange thing to say at this moment, but it is true. His accent is nowhere near as pronounced.
Zan looks down for a moment, then shrugs. "I've been working on it. I'm in school."
She frowns slightly. "Really?"
"Yeah," he continues. "That night...with Ava...I just didn't want her to feel like she had to do that anymore. I want a better job, and to make more than minimum wage, I need school."
She knows that he means the night at the bus station, but she asks anyway, because she can't quite believe it. "You decided you wanted a better job after that night?"
"Yeah."
His honesty reassures her for some reason. She decides to go with her gut instinct and will trust him. After all, in the two years since the river, instinct has not failed her yet. She feels that he will explain the mystery of the alley when they are alone.
She is right. The instant she closes the door of her small apartment behind them both, he turns to her and says, "You must have a lot of questions."
Beth simply nods, trying to decide what to ask first. Who am I? Why am I not dead? Why have you haunted my dreams? Why do I feel this way, when I barely even know your name?
"I'll start with the easy one," Zan says, after she continues to stare at him helplessly, incapable of choosing. "I found you in the alley. You had lost a lot of blood, so I took you back to where I live, to let you rest, and to make sure that you were okay. When you wouldn't wake up, my sister, Lonnie, told me I should take you to the hospital."
"Why didn't you take me right there?" she asks. "I must have been close to dead." She remembers the way the blood felt, as it oozed out. She knows that he is right. She lost a lot of it, quickly. The cut was deep.
He grimaces slightly, then says, in a rush, "You weren't. I healed you."
She knows that this revelation should be shocking, but it is not. For some reason, she is not at all surprised. But, since he seems to expect it, she asks, "What do you mean?"
"I can heal things," he says, shrugging. "You weren't going to make it to the hospital, so I had no choice." She can tell also that he feels that he has no choice but to tell her the truth. She wonders at it. Would it not have been easier for him to have just taken her to the hospital, and then never seen her again? She never would have known the difference at all.
And, yet, here he is, telling her that he has healed her. Nor is she surprised to hear him say it.
She asks instead, "How did you find me?"
His shifts uneasily. "I sometimes hang around that neighborhood. I saw you go into the alley, and when you didn't come out, I went after you."
"You follow me?" She wonders why this does not frighten her. She knows that it should, but, instead, it makes her feel safe, to know that he has been like a guardian angel.
He swallows, then laughs a little, obviously embarrassed. "Only for a couple of days. I saw you on the street. I found out where you worked and I was trying to get up the nerve to come in to talk to you." He sighs. "We didn't exactly meet under the best of circumstances last time. I was afraid that you'd..." He trails off, not uncertain exactly, but careful.
"Not want to see you?"
"I guess."
She wonders how it is possible that he can be nervous around her. She feels anything but in his company. But, then, for two years, her dreams of him have been her touchstone. He cannot know this. It is clear, from his behavior, that they do not know each other, that they never did.
And, yet, she knows him anyway.
"I wanted to," she says, hoping to put him at ease. He looks up at her, smiling in that slightly lopsided way that sets her heart racing. "I've never forgotten you."
They stare at each other for a long moment. Finally, he says, "Don't you want to know how I healed you?"
It is odd that she has forgotten about this. "Do you want to tell me?" Because, she realizes, if he does not want to tell her, she does not mind. She does not understand why she is so willing to ignore what is normal where he is concerned.
"I want you to know everything," Zan replies, sounding amazed that this is true.
And, after that first night, she does.
***
"Have you done this before?" Isabel asks.
They are lying in separate beds in the bedroom of Maria's hotel suite. Alex and Maria are waiting in the other room, not wanting to make either of them nervous by watching them. Beth feels her heart thunder in her chest, knows that Maria and Alex are the least of her worries. They have been nothing but supportive, and she feels completely comfortable in their company. The real problem is that she has no idea how to fall asleep. She is so eager to do so, she knows that it might be many hours before she actually can.
Her brain is working a mile a minute. There is too much to process, too much new information. Even though she has told them not to tell her anything more about herself until they have found Max - she does not want her mind to become any more jumbled than it already is - what she knows already is almost overwhelming. How is she ever supposed to calm down enough to sleep?
"No," Beth replies. "Lonnie never tried. I asked her not to."
There is a long moment of silence, and then Isabel asks quietly, "And you believed her? You believe that she never did?"
Beth frowns up at the darkened ceiling. "Of course I believed her. Why?"
"I just know what I would have done," Isabel replies.
"Lonnie's not like that," Beth says, feeling a little annoyed.
"Not like me?" Isabel asks, sounding slightly amused. It is the first time Isabel has bent at all in Beth's presence. Since the moment they have met, she has felt that Max's sister is more pained than anything, by her return. "You've always been too trusting, Liz."
Beth smiles in spite of herself. She recognizes the irony. Isabel's comment has also made her wonder, for the first time, if Lonnie has not, perhaps, taken an uninvited wander through her mind, once or twice. Because, after all, Beth's friend and Isabel are the same.
"Is that how you knew you could trust me? You dreamwalked me?" She still does not know exactly how she first found out that Max, Isabel, Michael, and Tess are aliens. It is one secret that will be kept until Max is found, so that she can stay focused on the task at hand. But she feels that this question will not reveal too much.
"No," Isabel replies. There is a long pause, and then she continues, "Max always felt like he could trust you."
"And that was good enough for you?" This amazes Beth. She remembers how angry both Lonnie and Rath were during the first months after Zan let her in on their secret. She frowns again. They did eventually learn to like her. Is this more proof that perhaps Lonnie has dreamwalked her, after all?
"Of course not," Isabel is saying. "But he connected with you, and it confirmed it. I believed him then."
Beth is confused. "Connected?"
There is another long silence in the darkness, and then Isabel says, "You've never connected with Zan? Didn't you say that he healed you, and that's how you found out?"
"Yes." She still does not know what Isabel is getting at.
"He has to have connected with you to have done that, Liz. He saw inside you. He saw your thoughts."
She feels like an idiot, but she still has to admit, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"It's the only way our gifts work. We have to connect mentally with the other person. I mean, that's obvious with me and Tess, but it's true of the guys, too. Like, Michael can randomly blast people, but if he wants to actually kill them, he needs to be inside their head. The same was true of Max when he healed. When he heals," she amends quickly, the past tense obviously anathema to her, now that she has hope that her brother is alive.
"As far as I know, Zan's never done that with me," Beth replies, frowning again. Is this something else he has kept from her? Has he seen inside her head and never told her? Is this just more proof that he has known who she is all along?
"That's not the only way to connect, Liz." Isabel sounds tentative, as though she doesn't really want to know what she is about to ask, but she goes ahead anyway, "You guys...I mean, haven't you...?" She cannot finish her question, but Beth knows what she means.
She swallows, feeling a flash of guilt. Because, of course, by confirming this, she will be admitting to Isabel that she has betrayed Isabel's brother. "Yeah," she whispers.
"Then, this makes no sense at all," Isabel says, sounding brisk, as though she can dismiss Beth's admission. "When you're making love...it just happens. That's just the way we're made. There has to be a reason you haven't connected with him."
Beth feels slightly nauseous, unable to even register what Isabel is saying. When they find Max, how is he going to react to this, if Isabel can barely acknowledge the truth of how far she has committed to Zan? She does not remember what it means to know Max - he is still only someone who exists on the dream plain for her - but, somehow she is aware that he will be devastated. She feels devastated, and she has no memory of what they meant to each other. But, then, when it comes to Max, she is already learning that memory means little. She simply knows. And it means everything. She remembers all that she has shared with Zan, and it is no longer as comforting and sweet as it was only a day ago.
"He won't care."
Beth blinks into the darkness. "What?"
"Liz, if he's alive, trust me. He will not care. He loves you." Isabel has recognized Beth's tortured silence, and the other woman is kind enough to offer comfort, even though, inside, she must be angry. Because, how can she not be? Beth knows how Lonnie would react if she ever cheated on Zan.
She chooses not to reflect on the fact that, in many ways, simply by being here with Isabel, about to go in search of another man, she has already done so. It is just too complicated. At this time, Max is the one who needs her, and she cannot desert him again. Zan, and everything to do with him, including even thinking about him, will just have to wait.
So, instead, she returns to thinking about the connection in general. "So, I did connect with Max?"
Isabel snorts slightly. "All the time." Beth wonders why she sounds annoyed, although it seems to be mixed with affection. "I swear, half the time you two were having private conversations in your heads. All you had to do was look at each other, and you were goners."
Beth feels warm, a blush creeping up her cheeks. She wishes she could remember! She clears her throat, then continues her line of questioning, trying to bring the bud of understanding that has opened in her mind to full flower. "So, you connect with Alex?" The question is actually a private one, nor does Beth particularly want to know, but she needs a few full, clear facts on this "connecting' business before she will voice her hypothesis.
"Yes, Liz," Isabel replies, sounding amused again. "I "connect" with Alex. We've been going out for over five years."
"Can you connect with other people?"
"Sure. Michael, Tess..." She trails off, as though realizing where Liz is headed. "Do you mean other humans?"
"Yes."
"I can dreamwalk them," Isabel replies.
"But do you "connect" with them?"
"No," Isabel whispers. "How could I have forgotten about this? Langley told us all about this. I guess it makes sense though. We've tried to forget we ever knew him. But no wonder Zan has never connected with you."
Beth thinks that she has already worked out what Isabel is remembering. "It's because Max did it first, isn't it?"
"I guess it is," Isabel replies, sounding a little amazed. "Wow. I never really believed Langley about anything, but he was obviously right about this." Beth hears Isabel shift on the bed and, moments later, the light flips on. Beth blinks against the glare, but soon can see that Isabel is crying.
Beth sits up quickly, staring at the other woman in consternation. "What's wrong?"
"Until this moment, I didn't quite believe you, but now I do," Isabel replies, smiling through her tears. "Langley told us that once we connect with a human, as long as that human lives, we will never be able to connect to another. And the same thing applies the other way. So, basically, you've just confirmed that Max is alive." She shakes her blonde head. "It still doesn't explain how Zan was able to heal you without connecting to you, but who cares about that right now?" She meets Liz's gaze head-on. "We need to find him. Liz, we have to find him."
"I thought that's what we were here to do," Beth tells her, confused. She is not nearly as elated by all of this as Isabel, because she has known all along, since the moment his name was mentioned, that Max is still alive. She feels mildly upset that Isabel did not believe her.
"You were," Isabel says, sounding a little guilty. "I can't say that I really was. I wanted into your head to see if you were really Liz, actually."
"What?" Beth exclaims.
Isabel sighs. "I'm sorry, Liz. You have to understand, though. We've thought you were dead for five years. We know for a fact that shapeshifters are running around on this planet. After what happened..." Isabel's eyes fill with tears again. "It's really hard to trust anything anymore."
Beth feels her heart go out to the other woman. Again she is filled with remorse that these people have spent five years mourning her death, while she still cannot even remember why they should have done so. "It's all right," she says, hoping to comfort Isabel. "Are you really ready to do this now?"
Isabel reaches out and clasps Beth's hand. "I am. I'm absolutely ready to bring my brother home. Thank you."
Beth stares at her. "For what? I haven't done anything yet!"
"Yes, you have. You've reminded me what hope really feels like. I'd forgotten how you always did that. Some things don't change, I guess."
Beth glances down, guilt weighing down upon her again. "But a lot has, Isabel." She thinks about how she is soon going to be forced to make a choice, about how this moment of closeness with Isabel might not last. Because, what if Max comes back and wants nothing to do with her? And, if that happens, can she just turn back to Zan, as though nothing has happened? She doubts that either of them will be able to do that. She doubts that Zan will want to be second best, and she does not think that she can settle for it any longer either.
Everything has changed. Everything will change. And, finally, Beth understands why she has feared finding out about "before." The past is a frightening proposition. Pursuing it makes the future even more of one.
"Liz." Beth raises her eyes to meet Isabel's. "Some things don't change. My brother's feelings for you...They won't have. I promise."
"Isabel, how can you know that?"
"Because you're Liz," Isabel replies simply. "Everything has changed, you've changed, but you're still Liz. You are all he has ever wanted - ever."
"But..." Beth feels tears fill her eyes, reflecting Isabel's. "After everything...I mean, I've been living with Zan!"
"No, Liz, you haven't," Isabel tells her. "It is so obvious. Every single one of us sees it, including Zan. He knows it, Liz. He's known it since the moment he set eyes on us and realized that we knew you. You haven't been living with Zan. You've been living with Max. In your heart, he has always been Max. You might not have called him that, but that's who he was. To you."
The worst part of it all is that Beth does not feel reassured by Isabel's words, even though she knows that Max's sister means them to be comforting. They only make her feel worse. Because she knows that Isabel is right. And, she also knows that the truth of it means that she there is only one road open to her. She has no choice now, and she dreads what has to be.
Because, whether her heart thought that Zan was Max or not, her head chose to ignore this fact. Her mind, feeling safe and secure for the first time since the river, allowed herself to have a relationship with him, even though her heart told her in every way - through her dreams, through her doubts - that it was wrong.
And, even if her heart knew the truth, Zan's did not. Zan loves her, and his heart has nothing to do with Max, or with Beth. She cannot control the way he feels and she knows how he feels. It has not changed. And, so, the worst thing of all is that, whether she ends up with Max or not, she is going to break Zan's heart - and there is absolutely nothing she can do to stop it.
Zan stays with her for another hour. There are too many questions, so she asks none of them. Instead, they stay silent, and she revels in the fullest sense of security she has felt since waking up on the river bank over two years before. Before he leaves, he squeezes her hand, and tells her that he will explain everything when she leaves the hospital. In spite of the years she has waited for him to return, she is satisfied with this explanation.
No nightmares come that night. She sleeps in true peace for the first time since she arrived in New York.
It is only in the morning that she even begins to question how it is possible that the knife has not done more damage. She stands on the edge of the bath tub in her hospital room, lifts her gown, and stares at the perfect skin on her abdomen. There is no bandage, nor is there a mark. It as though there was never a knife at all. She frowns.
When Zan returns to accompany her home, she is sitting in a chair near the window, staring out. She does not turn her head, knowing that if she meets his eyes, she will not have the courage to ask him what she must. "Why am I here?" she demands quietly. "I know it's not because of what happened in the alley."
"No," Zan agrees. "It was because you wouldn't wake up. We were worried that you hit your head when you fell."
"We?" She remembers that yesterday he also implied that he was not the only one who brought her to the hospital.
"My sisters and me."
She remembers one of his sisters from that day in the bus station. It reinforces to her just how much he has changed since then. She finally turns to look at him. "You sound different." She knows that it is a strange thing to say at this moment, but it is true. His accent is nowhere near as pronounced.
Zan looks down for a moment, then shrugs. "I've been working on it. I'm in school."
She frowns slightly. "Really?"
"Yeah," he continues. "That night...with Ava...I just didn't want her to feel like she had to do that anymore. I want a better job, and to make more than minimum wage, I need school."
She knows that he means the night at the bus station, but she asks anyway, because she can't quite believe it. "You decided you wanted a better job after that night?"
"Yeah."
His honesty reassures her for some reason. She decides to go with her gut instinct and will trust him. After all, in the two years since the river, instinct has not failed her yet. She feels that he will explain the mystery of the alley when they are alone.
She is right. The instant she closes the door of her small apartment behind them both, he turns to her and says, "You must have a lot of questions."
Beth simply nods, trying to decide what to ask first. Who am I? Why am I not dead? Why have you haunted my dreams? Why do I feel this way, when I barely even know your name?
"I'll start with the easy one," Zan says, after she continues to stare at him helplessly, incapable of choosing. "I found you in the alley. You had lost a lot of blood, so I took you back to where I live, to let you rest, and to make sure that you were okay. When you wouldn't wake up, my sister, Lonnie, told me I should take you to the hospital."
"Why didn't you take me right there?" she asks. "I must have been close to dead." She remembers the way the blood felt, as it oozed out. She knows that he is right. She lost a lot of it, quickly. The cut was deep.
He grimaces slightly, then says, in a rush, "You weren't. I healed you."
She knows that this revelation should be shocking, but it is not. For some reason, she is not at all surprised. But, since he seems to expect it, she asks, "What do you mean?"
"I can heal things," he says, shrugging. "You weren't going to make it to the hospital, so I had no choice." She can tell also that he feels that he has no choice but to tell her the truth. She wonders at it. Would it not have been easier for him to have just taken her to the hospital, and then never seen her again? She never would have known the difference at all.
And, yet, here he is, telling her that he has healed her. Nor is she surprised to hear him say it.
She asks instead, "How did you find me?"
His shifts uneasily. "I sometimes hang around that neighborhood. I saw you go into the alley, and when you didn't come out, I went after you."
"You follow me?" She wonders why this does not frighten her. She knows that it should, but, instead, it makes her feel safe, to know that he has been like a guardian angel.
He swallows, then laughs a little, obviously embarrassed. "Only for a couple of days. I saw you on the street. I found out where you worked and I was trying to get up the nerve to come in to talk to you." He sighs. "We didn't exactly meet under the best of circumstances last time. I was afraid that you'd..." He trails off, not uncertain exactly, but careful.
"Not want to see you?"
"I guess."
She wonders how it is possible that he can be nervous around her. She feels anything but in his company. But, then, for two years, her dreams of him have been her touchstone. He cannot know this. It is clear, from his behavior, that they do not know each other, that they never did.
And, yet, she knows him anyway.
"I wanted to," she says, hoping to put him at ease. He looks up at her, smiling in that slightly lopsided way that sets her heart racing. "I've never forgotten you."
They stare at each other for a long moment. Finally, he says, "Don't you want to know how I healed you?"
It is odd that she has forgotten about this. "Do you want to tell me?" Because, she realizes, if he does not want to tell her, she does not mind. She does not understand why she is so willing to ignore what is normal where he is concerned.
"I want you to know everything," Zan replies, sounding amazed that this is true.
And, after that first night, she does.
***
"Have you done this before?" Isabel asks.
They are lying in separate beds in the bedroom of Maria's hotel suite. Alex and Maria are waiting in the other room, not wanting to make either of them nervous by watching them. Beth feels her heart thunder in her chest, knows that Maria and Alex are the least of her worries. They have been nothing but supportive, and she feels completely comfortable in their company. The real problem is that she has no idea how to fall asleep. She is so eager to do so, she knows that it might be many hours before she actually can.
Her brain is working a mile a minute. There is too much to process, too much new information. Even though she has told them not to tell her anything more about herself until they have found Max - she does not want her mind to become any more jumbled than it already is - what she knows already is almost overwhelming. How is she ever supposed to calm down enough to sleep?
"No," Beth replies. "Lonnie never tried. I asked her not to."
There is a long moment of silence, and then Isabel asks quietly, "And you believed her? You believe that she never did?"
Beth frowns up at the darkened ceiling. "Of course I believed her. Why?"
"I just know what I would have done," Isabel replies.
"Lonnie's not like that," Beth says, feeling a little annoyed.
"Not like me?" Isabel asks, sounding slightly amused. It is the first time Isabel has bent at all in Beth's presence. Since the moment they have met, she has felt that Max's sister is more pained than anything, by her return. "You've always been too trusting, Liz."
Beth smiles in spite of herself. She recognizes the irony. Isabel's comment has also made her wonder, for the first time, if Lonnie has not, perhaps, taken an uninvited wander through her mind, once or twice. Because, after all, Beth's friend and Isabel are the same.
"Is that how you knew you could trust me? You dreamwalked me?" She still does not know exactly how she first found out that Max, Isabel, Michael, and Tess are aliens. It is one secret that will be kept until Max is found, so that she can stay focused on the task at hand. But she feels that this question will not reveal too much.
"No," Isabel replies. There is a long pause, and then she continues, "Max always felt like he could trust you."
"And that was good enough for you?" This amazes Beth. She remembers how angry both Lonnie and Rath were during the first months after Zan let her in on their secret. She frowns again. They did eventually learn to like her. Is this more proof that perhaps Lonnie has dreamwalked her, after all?
"Of course not," Isabel is saying. "But he connected with you, and it confirmed it. I believed him then."
Beth is confused. "Connected?"
There is another long silence in the darkness, and then Isabel says, "You've never connected with Zan? Didn't you say that he healed you, and that's how you found out?"
"Yes." She still does not know what Isabel is getting at.
"He has to have connected with you to have done that, Liz. He saw inside you. He saw your thoughts."
She feels like an idiot, but she still has to admit, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"It's the only way our gifts work. We have to connect mentally with the other person. I mean, that's obvious with me and Tess, but it's true of the guys, too. Like, Michael can randomly blast people, but if he wants to actually kill them, he needs to be inside their head. The same was true of Max when he healed. When he heals," she amends quickly, the past tense obviously anathema to her, now that she has hope that her brother is alive.
"As far as I know, Zan's never done that with me," Beth replies, frowning again. Is this something else he has kept from her? Has he seen inside her head and never told her? Is this just more proof that he has known who she is all along?
"That's not the only way to connect, Liz." Isabel sounds tentative, as though she doesn't really want to know what she is about to ask, but she goes ahead anyway, "You guys...I mean, haven't you...?" She cannot finish her question, but Beth knows what she means.
She swallows, feeling a flash of guilt. Because, of course, by confirming this, she will be admitting to Isabel that she has betrayed Isabel's brother. "Yeah," she whispers.
"Then, this makes no sense at all," Isabel says, sounding brisk, as though she can dismiss Beth's admission. "When you're making love...it just happens. That's just the way we're made. There has to be a reason you haven't connected with him."
Beth feels slightly nauseous, unable to even register what Isabel is saying. When they find Max, how is he going to react to this, if Isabel can barely acknowledge the truth of how far she has committed to Zan? She does not remember what it means to know Max - he is still only someone who exists on the dream plain for her - but, somehow she is aware that he will be devastated. She feels devastated, and she has no memory of what they meant to each other. But, then, when it comes to Max, she is already learning that memory means little. She simply knows. And it means everything. She remembers all that she has shared with Zan, and it is no longer as comforting and sweet as it was only a day ago.
"He won't care."
Beth blinks into the darkness. "What?"
"Liz, if he's alive, trust me. He will not care. He loves you." Isabel has recognized Beth's tortured silence, and the other woman is kind enough to offer comfort, even though, inside, she must be angry. Because, how can she not be? Beth knows how Lonnie would react if she ever cheated on Zan.
She chooses not to reflect on the fact that, in many ways, simply by being here with Isabel, about to go in search of another man, she has already done so. It is just too complicated. At this time, Max is the one who needs her, and she cannot desert him again. Zan, and everything to do with him, including even thinking about him, will just have to wait.
So, instead, she returns to thinking about the connection in general. "So, I did connect with Max?"
Isabel snorts slightly. "All the time." Beth wonders why she sounds annoyed, although it seems to be mixed with affection. "I swear, half the time you two were having private conversations in your heads. All you had to do was look at each other, and you were goners."
Beth feels warm, a blush creeping up her cheeks. She wishes she could remember! She clears her throat, then continues her line of questioning, trying to bring the bud of understanding that has opened in her mind to full flower. "So, you connect with Alex?" The question is actually a private one, nor does Beth particularly want to know, but she needs a few full, clear facts on this "connecting' business before she will voice her hypothesis.
"Yes, Liz," Isabel replies, sounding amused again. "I "connect" with Alex. We've been going out for over five years."
"Can you connect with other people?"
"Sure. Michael, Tess..." She trails off, as though realizing where Liz is headed. "Do you mean other humans?"
"Yes."
"I can dreamwalk them," Isabel replies.
"But do you "connect" with them?"
"No," Isabel whispers. "How could I have forgotten about this? Langley told us all about this. I guess it makes sense though. We've tried to forget we ever knew him. But no wonder Zan has never connected with you."
Beth thinks that she has already worked out what Isabel is remembering. "It's because Max did it first, isn't it?"
"I guess it is," Isabel replies, sounding a little amazed. "Wow. I never really believed Langley about anything, but he was obviously right about this." Beth hears Isabel shift on the bed and, moments later, the light flips on. Beth blinks against the glare, but soon can see that Isabel is crying.
Beth sits up quickly, staring at the other woman in consternation. "What's wrong?"
"Until this moment, I didn't quite believe you, but now I do," Isabel replies, smiling through her tears. "Langley told us that once we connect with a human, as long as that human lives, we will never be able to connect to another. And the same thing applies the other way. So, basically, you've just confirmed that Max is alive." She shakes her blonde head. "It still doesn't explain how Zan was able to heal you without connecting to you, but who cares about that right now?" She meets Liz's gaze head-on. "We need to find him. Liz, we have to find him."
"I thought that's what we were here to do," Beth tells her, confused. She is not nearly as elated by all of this as Isabel, because she has known all along, since the moment his name was mentioned, that Max is still alive. She feels mildly upset that Isabel did not believe her.
"You were," Isabel says, sounding a little guilty. "I can't say that I really was. I wanted into your head to see if you were really Liz, actually."
"What?" Beth exclaims.
Isabel sighs. "I'm sorry, Liz. You have to understand, though. We've thought you were dead for five years. We know for a fact that shapeshifters are running around on this planet. After what happened..." Isabel's eyes fill with tears again. "It's really hard to trust anything anymore."
Beth feels her heart go out to the other woman. Again she is filled with remorse that these people have spent five years mourning her death, while she still cannot even remember why they should have done so. "It's all right," she says, hoping to comfort Isabel. "Are you really ready to do this now?"
Isabel reaches out and clasps Beth's hand. "I am. I'm absolutely ready to bring my brother home. Thank you."
Beth stares at her. "For what? I haven't done anything yet!"
"Yes, you have. You've reminded me what hope really feels like. I'd forgotten how you always did that. Some things don't change, I guess."
Beth glances down, guilt weighing down upon her again. "But a lot has, Isabel." She thinks about how she is soon going to be forced to make a choice, about how this moment of closeness with Isabel might not last. Because, what if Max comes back and wants nothing to do with her? And, if that happens, can she just turn back to Zan, as though nothing has happened? She doubts that either of them will be able to do that. She doubts that Zan will want to be second best, and she does not think that she can settle for it any longer either.
Everything has changed. Everything will change. And, finally, Beth understands why she has feared finding out about "before." The past is a frightening proposition. Pursuing it makes the future even more of one.
"Liz." Beth raises her eyes to meet Isabel's. "Some things don't change. My brother's feelings for you...They won't have. I promise."
"Isabel, how can you know that?"
"Because you're Liz," Isabel replies simply. "Everything has changed, you've changed, but you're still Liz. You are all he has ever wanted - ever."
"But..." Beth feels tears fill her eyes, reflecting Isabel's. "After everything...I mean, I've been living with Zan!"
"No, Liz, you haven't," Isabel tells her. "It is so obvious. Every single one of us sees it, including Zan. He knows it, Liz. He's known it since the moment he set eyes on us and realized that we knew you. You haven't been living with Zan. You've been living with Max. In your heart, he has always been Max. You might not have called him that, but that's who he was. To you."
The worst part of it all is that Beth does not feel reassured by Isabel's words, even though she knows that Max's sister means them to be comforting. They only make her feel worse. Because she knows that Isabel is right. And, she also knows that the truth of it means that she there is only one road open to her. She has no choice now, and she dreads what has to be.
Because, whether her heart thought that Zan was Max or not, her head chose to ignore this fact. Her mind, feeling safe and secure for the first time since the river, allowed herself to have a relationship with him, even though her heart told her in every way - through her dreams, through her doubts - that it was wrong.
And, even if her heart knew the truth, Zan's did not. Zan loves her, and his heart has nothing to do with Max, or with Beth. She cannot control the way he feels and she knows how he feels. It has not changed. And, so, the worst thing of all is that, whether she ends up with Max or not, she is going to break Zan's heart - and there is absolutely nothing she can do to stop it.
